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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

help! my partners ex is trying to rule my life.

103 replies

red3112 · 04/04/2016 16:39

My partner has two children who stay with us from Friday to Sunday and when their mother decides that he should have them throughout the week. My partner is ill and unable to work at the moment and is not intitled to any benefits as I work full time. I provide everything for the children while they are at ours. Their mother has been more than happy to let me do this. All I ask is that my partner drive me to work and back. I don't think it's a lot considering my wages pay for everything. No the children mum had decided that he isn't allowed to take the children in his car, which means I have to use public transport. This is going to cost me £40 if not more and I can't afford this added expenses. I've already given up all of the things I that I can so that we can afford to pay for all our bill , food ect. I was wondering if I could insist that she provide food ect for the children when the stay with us? I need to know where I stand legally. I'm at my wits end. She says that I don't count, it is only her and her children that should matter. I really want to reply we if that is the case then my money doesn't matter either but want to check this out before I do. I don't want to give her any thing to use against us with this. Someone please help me before she ruins my life any more! !!!

OP posts:

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DropYourSword · 04/04/2016 16:41

Erm...what's the reason that he can't take the children in the car??

Oswin · 04/04/2016 16:44

No you cannot insist that. It's the fathers responsibility to feed and clothe his children while they are with him. It's nothing to do with her if he relegates that responsibility to you.

Why can't the children go in the car? Unless he has a history of drink driving or dangerous driving she can't insist on it at all. I would ignore.

agapanthii · 04/04/2016 16:47

your problem is not her, it's him. The children are his responsibility when they are staying with him and he gets to decide if he drives them about in his car while on his watch.

He is being unreasonable in making you use pubic transport.

.

agapanthii · 04/04/2016 16:47

public!!!

Fabellini · 04/04/2016 16:52

You can't expect her to pay for food and things when your partners children are with him - and you. But by the same token, she can't stop him taking his children with him in his car. Unless there's a safety issue of course. Is his car roadworthy, with proper seat belts, or car seats depending on children's ages?
Is he insured to drive the car? If so, he should tell her it's not up to her, and drive you to work.
Or, if he's not going to take the children with him in the car, then you could drive yourself to work surely?

MistressMerryWeather · 04/04/2016 16:56

Does his illness impact on his ability to drive safely?

Tiggeryoubastard · 04/04/2016 16:57

Why is she not allowing him? Why don't you drive yourself?

BoboChic · 04/04/2016 16:58

She cannot insist her children stay with you and her ex ad hoc and she has absolutely no say in how the DC are managed when they are with you and her ex.

wheresthel1ght · 04/04/2016 17:01

No you can't make her pay for food, but your Partner can tell her to take a running jump over not driving them. She cannot make such ridiculous conditions unless there is a very good reason - known to drink or drug driving for example

JassyAlconleigh · 04/04/2016 17:04

If she's happy for them to come to your house, eat your food, sleep there and be provided for, then they are also allowed to come in the car with their father unless that puts them in danger.

If it does not, then I think you should ask him to work out with his ex to organise alternative care for her children while he's driving you as he needs to do it to ensure you are earning.

Although, what is the reason you can't drive yourself?

And are the benefits of being with a man who does not work, and for whom you pay everything and help support his children worth it?

Do you want children of your own? Do you have any? Can you get some legal advice now so that the ground rules are clearer going forward?

Otherwise, you really will and up resenting him and his kids and that wouldn't be good.

MistressMerryWeather · 04/04/2016 17:04

Actually, she does have a say if he's not fit to drive.

TheoriginalLEM · 04/04/2016 17:05

Does your partner pay anything towards the upkeep of his children? I guess when you get involved with someone who already has children there are going to have to be sacrifices.

WellErrr · 04/04/2016 17:07

Why won't she let him drive?

JeffersonCrisp · 04/04/2016 17:09

She says that I don't count

I had this and the next time DH's ex wanted me to pick SD up convenient for her I said No, and didn't, she couldn't have it both ways.

I also refused to use my holidays to look after SD because DH and his ex couldn't agree who was doing what.

DH backed me all the way .

Your partner needs to stand up to his ex, she doesn't rule his and your life.

unimaginative1979 · 04/04/2016 17:27

I don't understand why they are in the car with you when you go to work?

red3112 · 04/04/2016 17:29

His illness doesn't stop him driving. His is fully insured. If he refuses she won't let him see the children. They are 8 and 11. She has pull stuff like this before and he doesn't get to see them. I was was learning but had to stop as I couldn't afford to. She has made him sign a contract agreeing to do what she says. Last time his youngest that his dad didn't want him or love him. Someone needs to tell her they are children not wepons

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 04/04/2016 17:30

blimey, all these kids are SUCH an inconvenience aren't they...

red3112 · 04/04/2016 17:31

They are 8 and 11 and are too young to be left on there own. That is why they are in the car when my partner drives me to work. I have also provided money for school uniform and school trips.

OP posts:

unimaginative1979 · 04/04/2016 17:33

I'm still lost. Your DP takes you to work (because you pay for everything)

DPX has said he can't drive with kids in the car.

How does this cross over ? Why are the kids in the car when you go to work?

TheoriginalLEM · 04/04/2016 17:34

My comment wasn't directed at you red

red3112 · 04/04/2016 17:35

They definitely are NOT an inconvenience, their mother is the problem. You really need to read everything I have said original. I just need to know what my rights are as she is affecting mine, my partners and their children's life's for no reason other than she thinks she can.

OP posts:

ArmfulOfRoses · 04/04/2016 17:36

Isn't he allowed to go and pick them up or drop them off then?
No trips anywhere with their dad?

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red3112 · 04/04/2016 17:37

Original sorry I thought it was lol. All this is making me ill. I just want to be able to live my life without someone interfering with it

OP posts:

red3112 · 04/04/2016 17:38

No he isn't allowed to do anything that involves them being driven by him in a car

OP posts:

MigGril · 04/04/2016 17:38

They are 8 and 11 I would say not to young to be left on there own. Most 11 year olds are taking themselves to school and back at that age and where we live the schools will let 8 year old with parenteral consent.

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