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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Caught DH on video..... sex experts etc. help.

125 replies

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:26

dressed in women's lingere and moving about seductively. We share a computer but I don't know his password.

However he left it open and I was looking fondly at some pics of the kids and came across it.

I know you're gonna think I'm a troll and take the piss, but I'm honestly not so be kind. I'm away from home atm and have not mentioned it since I found it.

WWYD?

p.s. yes I have changed my name, but that is to protect my DH as I'm easily identifiable from my usual name.

OP posts:

Report

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:34

bump?

OP posts:

HellBent · 27/04/2010 18:37

Why do you care what we would do? I am sure plenty of people live with cross dressing partners and plenty end their marriages over it. You decide if you can live with it or not, oh and have a wee face too!

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:39

Don't be blardy mean. I just found out. It is a massive surprise. There is no way I would end my marriage over it but I'm looking for some ideas on how to figure it out for myself that's all.

Do I tell him I've seen the video or do I try to forget about it? Which one is fairer? Will one choice disturb me or affect our relationship. I have no idea. I really REALLY didn't expect it.

OP posts:

bintofbohemia · 27/04/2010 18:42

I'd mention it - do you really think you could keep it to yourself longterm? Sounds like you both have a lot of stuff to discuss.

HellBent · 27/04/2010 18:44

Sorry I am having a bad day, I'd talk about it with him

TheArsenicCupCake · 27/04/2010 18:46

Well what's done is done.. Just tell him you've seen it and how.. And you like to have a chat about it... all you can do really.

SuSylvester · 27/04/2010 18:47

hmm
ask him what he wants to do

Gigantaur · 27/04/2010 18:49

well obviously you need to talk to him about it.

I think it is good that you are away from home though. it gives you time to sort out how you feel about it first.

It may be that he was just messing about.
but it may also be something that he enjoys. With some the enjoyment is purely there own and it is something they like to do without anyone else watching. for others they would love their partner to be involved.

For many it is just the look and feel of the lingerie, for others it is more deep rooted and may effect their sexuality in some way.

these are all factors that you should consider but not panic about. not until you have found out where he stands.

but I would try and remain calm. it is quite possible that you are the only person in the world that has ever known about this. he is likely to be very embarrassed.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:59

But if he is likely to be embarassed is it fair to even raise it? I know I do things I'd rather my DH didn't know about, although nothing like that.

I also had an affair 10 years ago (before we were married) that he doesn't know about. I lived with the guilt for about 2 years before I eventually forgot about it and never raised it because I was sooo ashamed of myself and knew it would never happen again and it hasn't and still wouldn't. I judged that telling him would be for my benefit only, in that it would alleviate my guilt but hurt him, which I wanted to avoid.

I kind of think that we are all entitled to our secrets iyswim, but it really HAS thrown me. You just never would have thought it of him, - seriously.

I suppose I just wondered if anyone could tell me what it was actually all about. I'm not very sexually adventurous but they he never appears to be either.

OP posts:

RubysReturn · 27/04/2010 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:02

Shocked I think, but not because of the deed itself, just because I would never ever imagine it of him.

I also feel a bit betrayed if I'm honest, because he is a clumsy oaf and yet his stockings were on perfectly and so was his make-up. I can't do make-up as good as that! How comes he has these skills without me ever knowing?

And the wig I definately covet, not to mention the lingere actually......

Gawd, I DO have issues with it don't I?

OP posts:

RubysReturn · 27/04/2010 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:06

Hmm, I don't think it is a hobby I could get into really.

I suppose I could try......

OP posts:

RubysReturn · 27/04/2010 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catinthehat2 · 27/04/2010 19:11

I do not believe the OP.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:12

LOL. I appreciate it. Don't want to be judgemental, but nor do I want to come across as a highly irritating 'caring and understanding' wife if there is no need.

It's just way outside of my experience and made me a bit uncomfortable watching it.

OP posts:

HousewifeOfOrangeCounty · 27/04/2010 19:14

Well if you think about it from his point of view he would probably dread you finding out in case you were angry, upset and likely to end the marriage. If you think you can accept it then you should talk about it with him. He's likely to be very relieved.

I have known a couple of transvestite men (not saying your dh is btw) one of them was a very butch fireman and you wouldn't have known. I didn't know him well, but he was very happy to find someone who he could talk to about it. The other chap was a friends husband, when she found out she told the world and completely ridiculed him - needless to say they divorced.

I'd say talk.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:15

whyever not cat?

What can I say to make it believable? Do you want to test me on why MartianBishop left, who let Mouldies out of the bag, pretty-polly, who Maud is etc etc, the name of CVQ's baby or the girl with the teddy?

Have I qualified? I can assure you my post is true. If it weren't and I was doing it for attention do you not think I'd be giving away more of the delicate details?

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Gigantaur · 27/04/2010 19:17

do you think it would be wise to tect him and say you have seen his video. that you want to talk to him abotu it when he is ready.

then see what he says.
because you have text him he doesn't need to feel cornered. you can then give him time to deal with your knowledge and reply.

he can then choose to either be relieved and spill all about his top hobby, or tell you that its a private thing and that if you dn't mind he'd prefer not to talk about it at all.

overmydeadbody · 27/04/2010 19:18

Why do you need sex experts to help?

Just talk to him. It's the only way you are going to get any answers.

catinthehat2 · 27/04/2010 19:22

You don't need to persuade me about your veracity.

I am but one poster out of '000s. So please continue with the others who accept the story as is, as you need no permission or qualification from anyone else to continue your posting.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:28

overmydeadbody I don't need any sex experts to help, but thought that they might have more insight, knowledge as to where they could signpost me, wrt links etc. I expect they are more liberal about this type of thing than I am used to being.

Seriously, this isn't AIBU, nor is it chat. It is a serious issue for me and that is why I posted it here. I don't know enough about the area to know how to not offend so sorry if I have, but all I am after is a bit of insight and some ideas.

OP posts:

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JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 27/04/2010 19:29

From what I've read, men who dress in women's clothing often find the secret very stressful. So if you can raise it with him, get it out in the open, it may help you both.

Perhaps just an email to him saying "You looked good in the . But seriously, there's nothing you can't talk to me about. Love ALBC"

Because nothing destroys a marriage faster than secrets.

And - also from what I've read - cross dressing isn't really about sex. So sex experts aren't what you need.

link
link
link

These are not porn or fetish or sexy sites. They are meant to help people.

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:30

Well cat, if you can just 'imagine' for one minute that my OP is truthful, can you see why your post might be unnecessarily upseting?

Why not just refrain from posting?

I am TRYING!

OP posts:

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 19:33

I would: have a well-timed conversation, and try not to say HOW LONG'S THIS BEEN GOING ON THEN
It might just be something he likes to do in private. Has no bearing on sexual orientation, or his feelings for you.
Most women I know whose partners CD just leave them to get on with it, and it has no bearing on their ordinary family life

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