Does anyone remember my threads from early in the year? Well...

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

I could do with a bit of advice.

Again.

The short version goes like this:-

DH depressed for 2 years. Became emotionally abusive last year while I was pregnant with dc3. Everything was my fault he would scream at me, headbutt walls next to me, blame me for ruining his life. And so on and on.

I finally had enough and with an awful lot of support from MN asked him to leave - for the sake of my mental health and the children.

He changed his medication, changed therapist and moved back in just before dc3 was born. I told him that if he shouted or scared me once more he was gone. And he never has.

Over the Summer things were shaky and I spent a lot of time away with the children. DH started CBT which had dramatic, positive results. When September came and I was home again he was like a different man.

It was like my old DH had come home and we were a team again. Things were really good. We started dating when we could get a babysitter, and he started doing nice little things for me, and actually thinking about what I want instead of just his needs.

So here is the last bit. In the last couple of weeks he has been slipping again. I've caught him out in some small and pointless lies, he seems weighed down and very low. He admits that he is struggling.

And I can't go through the last year again. It was unbearable. I can't begin to describe how I felt, all the pressure of keeping things normal - I thought my head would pop.

He knows that I will leave him if he steps over the line. I know that he needs my help. He wants to talk about things - which is great and productive and necessary. But I don't want to. The suggestion that he is slipping makes me feel so angry with him.

How dare he let himself go back to that place after everything I did for him and everything he did to me?!

But that's not helpful.

So here is the question:-

How can I help him when his illness makes me feel so hurt?

How can I help him when I am aware that he used my help in the past as a rod to beat me?

How can I listen to him when I feel so angry about having to do this again?

Ok, that was more than one question, but you see where I'm going - the main one really is how can I help him and protect me?

I don't want to be flamed for this. I'd have put this in AIBU if I did.

I don't want judgement for staying with this man either. I believe this could work (and even if I'm wrong I still have to try).

I read through the previous threads I started and I don't recognise him or me in them anymore.

Could someone wave a magic wand please and just make this all better?

TIA

[BecauseImWorthIt]

But if it's depression, he's not doing it deliberately, surely?

Is he taking anti-depressants? If not, maybe it's a good time for him to see the GP for a script to help him get back to 'normal'.

Good luck

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

BIWI, no it's not deliberate. He is on ADs already and they have had an enormous effect.

I think the problem is my emotional reaction to what might happen. I'm probably not explaining it well...

What he did last year can not be excused by the fact that he was depressed - but he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't IYSWIM - so him getting down again makes me scared he will behave the way he did towards me.

It's a fear of what might happen that is making it difficult for me to reach out to him now.

So how can I reduce that fear?

[ginnny]

Maybe you should have some counselling too.
It is not all about him, OK he is depressed but you have emotional needs too - you have been through a lot and it is understandable that you don't want to go back there again.
Fwiw I wouldn't flame you for going back or for how you are feeling. You have been more supportive and forgiving than I many women would be. Take care of you this time.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

ginny thank you. I did have counselling earlier in the year. Which helped enormously. The nicest thing she said to me was "Don't you think you have a right to feel sad and angry" and I just burst into tears because it hadn't occurred to me that that was a normal reaction to what I was going through.

I was wondering about RELATE, but when we tried that earlier this year (when he was still abusive) he twisted it all and behaved so oddly that the counsellor actually told us we had too many issues for her to deal with. So I said we'd be back when he was better

[Fabster]

Maybe it would help if you would just accept it as he is ill without it being depression. You seem to have a feeling he is doing this on purpose and he isn't.

Think how great he has been, how much better your relationship has been, and surely it will be a tad easier this time as you all know what you need to do and he isn't as far down the slippery slope as he has been.

I feel for you but he needs you right now and if you can't help him you might have to rethink your wedding vows and consider who can help him.

I wish you all luck.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

fabster, wow, that wedding vows comment was a bit below the belt.

I'm not really sure what to say to you after that.

[mrsboogie]

He need to get back to the doctors' - he might need an increase in dosage or more CBT - it is common enough for depression to get worse in winter when it starts getting all dark (sounds facetious but it isn't)

You are not his doctor and it isn't your responsibility to make him better, he is ill yes but not so ill that he can't be warned that what you said before still stands. You have a responsility to yourself and your children as well as a duty to support him.

He needs pulling back now before it gets any worse - not your job though - you just need to point him in the right direction if he can't do it himself.

soory this is rushed...

[posieparker]

Perhaps you could both attend his next counselling session and get some valuable professional advice. What about MIND? Can they help?

Resources, get as many as quickly as you can.

[Fabster]

Sorry, you feel that way but it is part of the whole deal of what you signed up for.

If you walked away know could you honestly say you have tried everything?

You seemed happy before and you can be happy again.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

mrsboogie, thank you so much, that is really good advice. I will get him to his GP to see about altering his dosage.

fabster, I'm still slightly reeling from your comment. I know I don't know you, and you may not have read any of my previous threads, but I have done nothing but think of his health for the past 2 years, while he has used his illness as an excuse to treat me like shit.

I've stuck by him, even though he couldn't come to one of my scans or doctor's appointments; I stood by him when he caught me crying in the bathroom and screamed at me that I had no right to make his condition worse. I stood by him when I couldn't leave the house because of my SPD and he couldn't see past himself.

The idea that I am not living up to my vows...

Sorry about the rant. But that takes the f*cking biscuit.

And breath...

[Fabster]

As you can see I have apologised.

[Lemonylemon]

He does need to get himself back to the doctor.

The problem itself was dealt with (ie. his having treatment etc.) but the effect hasn't been dealt with (ie. what it's done to you).

I think that the way you can get help for him and to protect yourself is to get help for YOU first (ie. speak to your GP, organise to get some counselling, put things in motion to help you). Then get him back to the GP to up his meds and to try to get treatment for himself.

The timeframe I'm thinking for this is maybe a week or so between appointments.

Disappointment and frustration can come out as anger.....

But you need to be the one to set the ball rolling regarding helping yourself to help him.

HTH

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

Fabster, yes. I can honestly say that in the past year I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING!

So perhaps my cupboard is running a little low on selflessness. But I think I learnt that the hard way.

[Fabster]

I also didn't see the bit about treating you like shit so I would ask if things are so bad do you want out?

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

posie, I will, thank you.

Lemony, that is good advice. I think I do need some help. I want to feel differently. But I don't want to be made a mug of again.

fabster, apology accepted. I'm just a bit fragile today.

[doggiesayswoof]

Fabster I am not sure if you read the OP.

What about HIS wedding vows and the abuse?

OP I am sorry that you're going through this. I'm in a different situation but I do recognise that sinking feeling - when you think - we've done this and it was all ok, now here we go again...

1st step - he needs a GP appt and perhaps increase his does of ADs or access some other sort of help. Because as others have said you can support him but you can't make him better.

Can you talk to him about your fear of the abuse starting again? How would he react if you tried to have that conversation?

[doggiesayswoof]

oooh sorry tons of x-posts

I am too slow

[NicknameTaken]

Mrsboogie talks sense.

I wonder if a light box might help? www.sadbox.co.uk/

But as mrsboogie says, it's not your job to save him at the cost of your own welfare.

Is there a possibility of asking him to move out temporarily while he gets himself together? You're not ending the relationship, but you're making it clear that it is his job to sort this out, not yours.

Disagreeing strenuously with Fabster. Wedding vows do not involve signing up for abuse.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

I don't want out, I want to be with him. I'm just terrified that he will get so ill that he thinks it is ok to hurt me again.

I want to keep my DH this time. But I can't do it for him.

[Fabster]

OK I missed the bit about him abusing the OP.

Do you what you need to do.

I will leave you to it as I am not helping.

good luck.

[Deadworm]

You really are entitled to feel hurt and angry. The depression explains, mitigates, but doesn't take away or excuse the fact that he is hurting you.

I haven't any helpful advice but thought it worth reinforcing your sense that you are right to insist from him a certain threshold level of concern for your welfare throughout all this.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

Thanks nickname and doggie. I spent the last year being told his illness was all my fault. It took a lot of work to accept that it isn't. I'm a bit defensive on that front, and at any suggestion that I have not tried.

A light box might be a good idea. I'll look into it.

doggie, it's that feeling exactly. like you thought everything was fine and then the carpet is whipped away from under you and you can't see why.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

deadworm, it may not seem imnportant, but I really needed to hear that!

I will talk to him this evening. I know I can broach these subjects now, or at least with the man he has been in the last couple of months. I guess I'm scared he isn't that man anymore, that he's slipped into being the one who gets angry at me trying to discuss things with him.

[NicknameTaken]

Good luck, YouKnow. Let us know how your talk goes.

[posieparker]

Perhaps it would help if your DH had a physical illness, well not actually had one but if you can imagine his illness as a little physical growth in his brain that presses upon him and pushes some of the niceness out.

Please make sure you get some restbite too, on my bad days DH can coe in from work and all I have to do is kiss my dcs goodnight. I can spend all night on MN, I can pop to the shops, I don't but I can. I could even go for a 3 hour walk and know my dcs are safe and that my DH won't be going crazy at me upon my return. You need some if this.