have you seen BW's new thread and update from Thursday 9th July: here

I agree, Hoochie. And if her DH is living back in the family home, it's much better that she's spending the time talking to him than telling us. I think Mumsnet is good for filling a void when you've got nobody in RL to talk to - but if she's got the option of sharing her feelings with DH instead, that's obviously a million times better. I really really hope she's now in a place where she doesn't need this thread any more and that's the reason she's vanished.

Still hope to hear from you when you are ready BW. Stay strong and live well, the best balm for broken hearts.

Would imagine if all is currently OK then this thread is probably a painful reminder of an incredibly dark time.

i had an email promising to update me and the thread but nothing yet. Just hope she is keeping busy and enjoying life again.

Someone has started a thread asking about BW too.
There was talk that she was a troll , but other MNers who have been in similar situations have explained that they didn't come back for a while.
Am hoping that rl is good for you BW

Me too. Happywoman, have you heard anything?

I check every day too, wish BW would let us know how she is!

I check every day but no news yet.

Really hope your ok BW. Do pop in to say hi, would like to know how your feeling. I hope your happy.

Boilerwoman - Pleased for you, I presume no news is good news????????????

Long time lurker on this thread. Hope all is well BW. Always check if you have updated and hope you will soon.

Wishing you all the best BW x

Hoping all is going well for you BW.
Trust your silence is a code for everything being put back together for you, and
understand that you want to put all this behind you.

Good Luck, let us know when you can.

Hello BW. Numal is right. I am sure that there are plenty of us still thinking of you and keeping an eye on the thread for any news from you. I so hope and pray that day by day you and DH are rebuilding your relationship and your poor broken heart is slowly healing. I wish you both well for your Relate appt on Monday.

Do stay in touch with the Durham Mumsnetters and hopefully you will also begin to build a network of friends for you and your family too.

I hope your DD is recovering and feeling better too.

We haven't all gone away BW. Those of us who have supported you through these last 9 weeks still wait to hear that you are well.
When you can, please let us know that you live to fight another day.

You are still in my thoughts bw, its just one thing after another for you at mo' isn't it? Praying for you both.

Still thinking of you, BW. Poor DD, hope she feels better soon. Lots of cool baths and cold calamine lotion are in order!

I, erm, suppose DH has already had the pox? <Sends spores his way anyway>

ooh, nasty pox in the heat.
Thanks for update Happywoman, hope BW is OK

Thanks for the update HW.

Oh of course - I forgot the others might get it too. Chicken pox in this heat - how horrible.

So glad she is OK

Thanks Happywoman.

I have posted a couple times as my dad did the same as bw h did. But I always check to make sure BW is ok.

BW

I hope your dd isn't suffering to much in this heat and hope she better soon.

have had email - her dd has been ill with chicken pox - hopefully bw will update soon.

I have to admit to being a bit worried after 'panadol night'. I googled 'mother of five suicide' earlier - nothing came up thankfully.

No i havent heard either - nor any reply to my email.

I suspect he is following the script - he is the victim and cant bear to be reminded of his failings and yet still feels so bad and so continues to see ow. He projects his guilt onto BW saying that if she talks about it, it makes him feel bad and so has persuaded her to just carry on - meanwhile bw understandably feels confused and untrusting and yet dare not say anything for fear of him rejecting her.

Unless/until he really realises what he has done he will continue unfortunatly . Once he does he will willingly read the thread and do everything he can to make amends.

BW if you are still there i truly hope you are not so lacking in self esteem as to not feel able to do what you know is right for you.
I am hoping that he has changed his ways and is still on the floor begging and begging for your forgivness and has arranged childcare and whisked you off somewhere for the well deserved rest and pampering your so deserve.

Hope she's OK and moving forward, in any case.

Hoping all well with BW.

Getting a bit worried now. Happywoman, have you heard? do you have her 'phone no?

I sent an email and haven't heard either. My guess is that she has given an inch and he has taken a mile.
Hope you are ok BW, we are still thinking about you.

Sod him!!!!!

If he has read it I hope it has hit home what an out and out shit head he has been.

I'd just like to hear from BW again, just so we know she's ok.

Where are youuuuuuu BW?

I hope her DH hasn't read the thread and asked her not to come back on here ...

Hi BW, hope that all is going well for you x

...Or even: We're listening...

Hope you can come back some time and let us know how you are doing BW. <adopts best Frasier Krane voice> ^We're listening^...

BW - you OK?

I feel you've left us forever BW

Hello BW I hope that your weekend was okay and that you and DH are slowly moving forward together. Still thinking of you as I am sure everyone else is. x

Hope you're OK BW.

Hia BW - thoughts are still with you, hope everything is settling down, and you are both beginning to work through the problems.

Is it relate tomorrow?

Morning all, and BW. Hope it's all going well for you.

Good morning BW. There is some very good advice on this thread from WhenwillIfeelnormal about a book by Shirley Glass. I quote "she says that often, unfaithful spouses justify their affairs by claiming that they weren't getting enough (attention, affection, sex, respect etc.) when in Glass's opinion, the reality is that they weren't giving enough."

One to bear in mind I think? I don't know if the quote is from this book but it's well reviewed and might be of benefit to you?

BW be very careful now - if as he is telling you, she is a bit unhingned (and i think a lot of men do this) then he should be terrified that she will turn up and tell you her side of the story. Has he tired to fill in the gaps to 'protect' you from this by talking to you now?

It is convienient for him to paint her as the mad woman now.

For your own peace of mind i think you need to ask him for as many facts so that you can verify every word he says.

If he is truly sorry he will want to talk to you and not hide anything from you.

BW - make sure you do not let your gaurd down just yet and take strength from the fact that you are brilliant and could cope alone if you had too.
Dont settle for second best now - you deserve everything from him now.

Good luck and take care and feel free to email me if you need to.

Yes, I hope you haven't forgotten how bloody fantastic you are BW1 .

HappyWoman - are we sure it did go into the rubbish? I know I referred to him retrieving it, but that was just my overactive imagination!

Odd that it went into the rubbish - surely he would WANT to be open and honest now and so showing you would re-inforce that.

BW do try and get the sim card if you can - although my gut says he will have got to it already.

You dont have to show him the threads - but he does need to understand what you have gone through at least. I also think it may do you some good to have a read through too - to remind you just how bloody fantastic you are and what a really lucky man he is.

I did wonder whether the SIM card was retrieved ... by him . I truly hope not.

I'm sorry, no time to post all I'd like to BW, but I did post a long one on your last thread, about the recovery process.

However, am I the only one on here to hope desperately that the rubbish hasn't been collected and that the SIM card is still retrievable? I'd be reading it with bells on!

BW, what did he tell OW about his reasons for coming back to you?

Glad to hear that ds is getting better.

I can understand why you wouldn't feel ready to show him these threads yet. Keep them in reserve for if/when it feels appropriate to whip them out.

Good stuff boilerwoman - glad you are going through with Relate.

I am at work today, DS is much better. There haven't been any new spots since yesterday and the ones he has are mostly dried over now, so hopefully he can return to nursery next week (their rule is five days after last spots dry out, at least it was the last time I checked...).

DH was on nights last night.

I really am in two minds about showing him these threads, I am. As you all know only too well I bared my soul on more than one occasion and I have said things I have never said before. I think I want to wait just a little bit longer before siting him down and saying, oi, read this. Maybe after our first Relate session?

We are definitely keeping that appointment. I am nervous about what exactly will happen but I think it can only do good.

on the flip side about showing him the thread - are you sure you want him to know all your innermost thoughts just yet?
I mean i think its good to do if you feel you can trust him, but are you sure he's back for good yet?

Maybe you want to keep your guard up a while longer

(i'm not sure what you should do btw, I just wanted to give the other point of view)

I agree with stars - after all, he needs to "own" his behaviour if you're going to go forward as a couple. If it would shock him - well and good actually. Anything less and you're protecting him from his own behaviour.

As far as the sex thing goes - I suspect what he means is that after 25 years of marriage, the sexual dynamic between you wasn't the same as in the first flush of romance. That's all. You didn't do anything wrong, he just wanted the ego-boost that goes with the initial stages of a relationship. He can rationalise away to himself, and try to convince himself that the fact you weren't ripping each others clothes off of a night meant there was something amiss, but he's being ridiculous. Of course it wouldn't be. But what you get instead is something infinitely more valuable - which is why he's back, after all...

Just checking in BW, please do show him the threads the longer you leave it and the more 'normal' or at least settled things become the harder it will be

I totally agree with the other ladies here. If your wife isn't initiating intimacy, surely you'd run her a bath, give her a massage, tell her she's beautiful, all the normal romantic stuff... not take yourself to a bar and fuck some tart in the back of your car.

These 'excuses' he's making aren't just poor excuses for leaving you, they're poor excuses for avoiding his entire family. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were ill and crying out for me, DS, but you see, it was utterly unavoidable... your mother wasn't initiating sex." It's pathetic.

I'm sorry, that's probably a bit harsh and blunt and unhelpful. I'm glad you've decided to forgive him. There really is only one way from here and that's forward. Keep the relate appointment, don't be persuaded into thinking that just because he's started making crap excuses opening up, you no longer need them.

I really think copycat has hit the nail on the head. If he didn't scoop you off your feet, and didn't ever tell you he wanted you to do that to him, how were you ever expected to know?

Please don't take the responsibility for whats happened on your shoulders. You hadn't realised there was a problem, but he had. He then didn't communicate the problem to you. Seems to me that most of the responsibility must, therefore, be his.

But I am really glad that you are sorting things out, if that is what you want. I just hope he realises how lucky he is to be given this chance.

BW - it is good that you feel you want to forgive him and move on. But please as others have said keep your relate appointments. It will be painful to open up to someone else about your marriage.
Just the way your post questions things makes me feel that YOU need to explore yourself a bit more and the relate sessions will help you do that.

I also think it is no bad thing to make him see the hurt and pain he has caused you and if showing him this thread does this that is good. Dont protect him from his own twattish selfish behaviour - how will he learn to never ever do that again - and also will you ever believe him if you do not think he has really reformed?

BW please please please make sure you both keep the Relate appointments. The counsellor will put questions to you both that you may never have thought to ask. Just both of you communicating in a structured way with a trained professional jay definitely be the way to start the healing that will be necessary to resume your marriage but also importantly your sex life.

Take time, be kind to yourself, don't allow any subtle shift of blame onto yourself - you not jumping his bones when he walks through the door is not a reason to shag someone else

Really think Relate can help him to gain some perspective and you to gain some validation of your feelings, and for both of you to move on as a couple if that is what you choose.

Hello BW, good to hear from you. I hope you don't have too much to catch up on at work.

Glad DS is feeling better. I hope the girls don't get it now.

It is great that you and DH have a Relate appt booked. Does he still plan to go on his own before this joint session? Perhaps these counselling appointments will give you the opportunity that you haven't yet had to tell DH how much his actions have hurt you (not just his 2 year affair but also by his selfish, cowardly behaviour since leaving you and his DC). Maybe you could read him some of the things you wrote on the earlier pages of this thread to help give him (and the counsellor) an insight into the devastation he caused.

I hope DH isn't trying subversively to put the blame on your 'supposed' lack of appetite and enthusiasm for spontaneous sex? Whether he is or isn't, please don't take the blame on. Did he ever scoop you off your feet and passionately throw you on the bed whilst showering you with kisses and compliments. No, in the later years of your marriage probably not - for the same reasons (like Botty lists) you weren't able to do the same. Did he ever talk to you about it? Did you go off and have an affair because your sex life had mellowed and adapted to family life? NO! If he never shared his disappointments in your sex life with you, how could you have known BW? Of course it hurts like crazy to hear how he felt but don't blame yourself for not having read his mind. There is no excuse for the way he has treated you.

Gosh I'm lecturing again. So sorry. Sincerely hope that day by day your trust builds and your hurting heart heals. x

Bl**dy hell - of course she slung him into bed when he walked in the door.

a) she didn't have much time as they weren't living together
b) she hasn't got five children to look after and probably isn't as busy as you
c) she probably could do the above, without 10 little eyes watching her!

You sound as though you are doing very well BW. I hope he can manage to reassure him and to trust him again sometime.

the SIM has gone - he took it out in front of me and threw it away. He says he only ever had one phone, and, rightly or wrongly, I believe him. He hasn't had any contact with the OW since last Friday - can't remember if I posted this but he had a number of texts and calls from her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend threatening all sorts, so he admitted texting the OW to say call the daughter/boyfriend off or he would involve the police. Nothing has been heard from any of them since.

He says he wants to concentrate on me and the DC.

It's still hard to talk properly, obviously DS has been poorly, and now I am back at work. DS is a lot, lot brighter, although he still looks very scary!

I don't know how well I am dealing with It. The OW, who has been christened Slaggy McSlagbag by DD1, swings from being the vilest whore imaginable, to a complete sex goddess with whom I just can't compete. I wonder if DH and I had sex again if this would help me get rid of this feeling, but I am afraid in case I "can't" have sex, at least not yet. Does that make any sense at all? I have told him how I feel.

And he has admitted that he felt like I never initiated sex with him. He said he can't remember a time when I did. That really hurts (I thought I couldn't hurt any more). I don't know exactly what he means by that - if he means I didn't reach for him and kiss him and touch him then that isn't true. If he means I didn't jump on him when he came through the door and throw him on the bed and tear off his clothes, then it is true. I never did that. The OW obviously did and that is an issue I have to come to terms with. Maybe it's a subject for a whole new thread.

I feel like I am going to forgive him, given time. I don't think I can move on from where I am now unless I do forgive. It doesn't ever mean forgetting though. And I still don't think he has quite grasped just how devastating this has been for me. I think he may be afraid to believe it, because it will force him to realise just how desperate I was at times. The same goes for showing him this thread - I think he would be shocked to the core to realise what I went through.

Morning Boilerwoman. Totally understandable that you would feel edgy. Is he doing everything possible to reassure you? Are you telling him how you feel so he knows he needs to reassure you? I agree with kalo, he should hand over the phone and SIM.

It's to be expected that you would feel suspicious and edgy, BW - it's not as if he's been exactly truthful or reliable, has he? He's broken his promises a number of times, so he's asking a lot for you to trust him now, as there's zero trust left. You're both having to work from scratch to build a new relationship. It will be tough work, but if you manage it, it's likely that you'll be stronger than ever. Good luck.

BW - take things at your pace - and expect to feel 'odd' for a long time to come.
Also expect there to be times when you feel worse again. All perfectly normal.

Is he doing all he can?

Hi BW, IMO what you feel is perfectly normal. He let you down massively, you don't trust him.

He has to earn the trust back, it may take a long time, you trusted him implicitly.

Glad you've posted, good to hear from you and I'm glad your DS's a bit better.

Keep in touch.

hi BW
I think you have every right to feel suspicious and edgy, trust has to be earnt, its not a given and he has made you feel justifiably suspicious.

I would ask for his old phone/sim so that you can read the messages from the ow and daughter. Why should he have two phones/ two numbers?

Glad to hear all is going well, BW.
Yes, you are bound to feel suspicious and edgy for a while, at least, only natural.
Glad DS is better as well.

DS is a bit better today, at last.

I am back to work on Thursday because DH is on days off.

We are going to Relate a week on Monday.

I am just taking things very slowly for now. I am surprised at how suspicious and edgy I feel but suppose that is only to be expected, for a while at least?

As ever, thank you all x

Phew, not her. Hope you are OK BW.

Hi islandlassie - really sorry to hear you're starting this nightmare too. There are loads of people here who will support, guide and advise you if you need it, but you might get a better response if you start a new thread and give a low-down of your circumstances. This thread is so fast-moving that your posts might get lost or overlooked.

Sending thoughts and hugs your way. I don't suppose you got much sleep last night. x

I think she is a saint! I couldnt have put up with what she has had to!!

I think Islandlassie is another poster.

Are you OK Islandlassie?

thanks - just that as we havent heard i was worried that he just upped and left again - not being able to handle the hurt he has caused.

No........... dont think it is BW, the 2 am post has a profile and BW didnt!!

is that you BW - has your h left again??

Well, what the title says

He has left me, ten mins ago

2am!

BW - Well done, keeping your cool, I can only add my best wishes, and hope you can both make very slow steps forwards.

Would it be wiser to start relate in a few weeks time after you have both had time to settle a bit. May be easier to retain control of emotions.

Saying that, bet it takes that long to get appointments!

You may be take 1 step forwards and 2 steps backwards, alot of emotions to deal with together and talk about.

Good luck!

Splendid news, Silkcushion. Hope it's going ok, BW.

Hi BW, just checking in

Congrats Silkcushion

I agree with your post as well, do you think that your husband knows/understands the hurt he's caused, BW?

I hope that your DS feels better and that things are OK with you.

thanks for the congrats

BW - it seems a positive step to me that you feel able to follow yr emotions in dealing with dh's return this time. You simply can't being treading on eggshells the whole time wondering whether he'll up and leave again.

Do you think he has any comprehension of the hurt/distress this ahs caused you?

Many congratulations silkcushion.

Hello bw. Well done, you sound cool, calm and collected even if your emotions are still doing somersaults! Caution is both appropriate and wise under the circumstances and it is necessary to protect and guard your heart against further disappointment as far as you can. It would be intolerable if you begin to trust him and he were to hurt you again.

I so so hope that he is on his hands and knees, so to speak, voicing genuine remorse and recognising the destruction he has carelessly wrought upon his family. I'm sure you won't be too quick to forgive him - at least until you are certain that he is having no contact at all with OW. Having said all that, I am really happy for you and the DCs that he is home. When is he due to see the Relate counsellor?

Poor DS I hope you can share lots of cuddles with him today and that he feels better soon.

Congratulations Silkcushion . Glad you are OK BW

Sorry for the confusion everyone - I did indeed post on the wrong thread about fb!

BW Hope you're OK and taking it all slowly and doing what's best for you...

When my DS had cheeky spots, the doctor recommended tepid baths and a rub over with tee tree lotion which helped....

Did he ever make a promise that he will not see the ow again?

Hi BW - great that you posted and are feeling ok. Good that you are both talking too, and that he is in the spare room.

I hope the counselling sorks well for you both. I am sure it may be uncomfortable at times, but I guess that some uncomfortable things will need exploring so that you can both move forward.

Others have mentioned that he may have 2 phones - I wonder if you could cut up his old SIM card (with his knowledge/ok) so that you know it is really gone?

Morning BW,

I hope you are feeling more in control now. What he has done is a huge thing and he really really does need to change for things to work. Take this chance to make some changes for you too.
Someone suggested a fresh start and if that is possible it may be worth a try.
The course you are now taking is not an easy one either and there will be lots of challenges along the way, make sure you are ready to start this and stick to it before you let your gaurd down again.

You will not feel the same about him for a long time and i hope he is prepared for that - dont ever let him put any of the blame on you now and dont feel bad about the fact that you will have changed either.

My best advice is talk talk talk - until YOU are tired of talking about it (he will not want to do this as he will want to forget it all now), but if you do not understand it now it will niggle in your mind for a long time to come.

There are still things that i wish i had asked at the time - i still get the pangs of panic from time to time and the flashbacks of it all - dates and places can bring it all back. Dont feel that it is up to you to 'protect' him from how hurt you are when this happens. He will learn to accept that and that is why relate is so good - he needs to learn to find new ways of understanding you.

Good luck

Yes, big congratulaions to silkcushion too.

Morning BW. You sound like you're holding up well, all things considered. Poor DS - I know it's milder the younger they are when they get it, but I hope for the sake of your sanity that the younger DDs don't get it just yet!

He seems to be slowly recognising what he's done to you with the B&B and Relate appointment. Alarm bells would ring for me about the phone change though - he could be telling the truth, but equally, it's entirely likely that he's had two phones all along, or wants to keep his old phone a 'secret' so he can keep contacting OW. I hope that's not the case but don't drop your guard just because he seems to be trying to do the right thing. Also, with Relate, he says he wants to get a feel for what the counsellor is going to ask him... rather than how helpful the counselling is likely to be?! That seems a slightly skewed priority to me. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it.

P.S. Congrats silkcushion!

Hey BW, nice to hear from you

Glad your being cautious, keep it up and good luck.

I am being very cautious....

DH is at work now - he moved into the spare room yesterday. None of the DC appear to have noticed but if the older ones do I will tell them why.

Whe I was at the GP last week she asked again about an STD check. I bottled it and told her I had my period (I'm sure I used that excuse the first time). DH swears that there's no need, but.........

I will be very honest here - the first time DH came back I was all over the place. I didn't know how I should have acted around him. This time feels different. I have decided to just to what I feel rather than what I think I should, if that makes any sense. I asked him if he thought it was a case of neither of us being ready at that time to let him back.

I asked about Relate too and he said he just wanted to get a feel for what sort of things the counsellor would ask about. He said he will be absolutely honest with the counsellor and with me, and that if I would rather we can just go to all the sessions together. TBH I am very nervous about what they may ask us too.

Poor DS is not himself at all. Lots of his spots have scabbed over but there are fresh ones everywhere too. With my luck he will get over it ony for DDs3 and 4 to go down with it too..

Morning BW - sorry I've not been around. Was off having a baby

Poor little ds with his chicken pox hope he's on the mend.

Good luck with dh

Lovely to come back and see that things are moving on for you now.
Like HW advises, be a little cautious.
Will check back soon and see how you are all doing.
hoping here too, that you get some peace.
night night.

BW - dont make him any promises at all. If he is genuinely sorry and wants to make a go of it again he will understand that this is not going to be a walk in the park.
Let him know ANY contact with ow will be met with you not having him back.

If you are enjoying having him close - keep it to that - you dont have to go any faster than you are ready for.

Also do make sure he is open with you - it may be that the ow did not want him after all (despite what he is telling you) - maybe he is chasing her now and her DD is telling him to get lost??? And he wants you to 'defend' him now. I hope he is letting you see the texts.

Anyway - always here for you if you need me.
Take care and i really hope you get some peace now.

BW, hope your DS feels better soon.

Totally agree with Mrsboogie:

"Just remember one thing BW - your husband left fadingaway and has returned to Boilerwoman!"

We don't know the ins and outs of what has happened, I am just happy that you are finally reaching some sort of conclusion and can now all work on moving forward.

BW (maybe a future namechange to FAB Woman?! Love it!) I hope you've had an OK weekend and that you're finding some peace at the very least knowing where he is.

I really really hope you insist on his following through with the Relate appointmens as it's easy to make promisises then go off the boil.

I think if you are both totally honest in your Relate sessions (and assuming he is really, genuinely repentant) that you have a good chance (with the professional assistance of ending up with a better marriage than before, where you both feel more fulfilled. In any case, you need more time for yourself and your own interests, and to allow yourself a social life independent of him.

Still rooting for you, still feel compelled to sign off with a very unmumsnetty ---> xxx

Your poor DS, it's such horrid illness. Hope he's feeling slightly better.

I hope your weekend is ok with your H back at home, hard work I would imagine, that along with the chicken pox, bet your shattered. Keep your chin up.

As for the OW's DD, I don't blame her one bit, I think sending your H dodgy messages to his phone is mild. If it was my Mum he'd deceived I'd want to lynch the bastard.

Sorry BW but that's what I see him as. If I'm really honest I'm amazed you've had him back with such ease.

Sorry, here to support you as always, but I'm just being honest. I don't trust him not to do it to you again.

Your supporters here may jest about moving down south - a superb idea, let me say - but in all seriousness, you're within your rights to insist on a move either back to where you were before, or to a new place where you can start again together. Food for thought, at least.

Just realised that if you add FA to BW, you get FAB Woman!

Just remember one thing BW - your husband left fadingaway and has returned to Boilerwoman!

Eurax cream or lotion is brilliant for itchy chickenpox. We used it for both of ours and it really did help stop the itching. Baths with Bicarbonate of soda added are also helpful anf cooling.

Yes, the STD tests probably at some point - but let's not forget this has been going on for two years so perhaps isn't the first thing to do. Better to get Relate established first?

Piriton too, helps with the itching later

It looks good, he seems to want to make the changes, good luck x

Hope your ds improves soon BW. Agree aqueous cream with calamine is fab - also potato flour dusted in the blisters.

Yes, move South BW

Oh poor DS. I hope he feels better soon. Will your boss be okay about your having time off to look after him or does DH's shift pattern allow him to be at home with DS this week? Anyway I hope he isn't too miserable. How are the girls?

A new mobile number may be a good idea for DH - although I guess he had two phones anyway? Of course he could just turn his phone off and ignore texts from OW and her DD. That's how he treated you.

I hope you have a peaceful Sunday BW. x

BW - I think you should move South - you have a ready made friendship group!

Agree with MadameCastafiore re the STD clinic; the sort of woman who has sex with a married father in a car .... I don't need to spell out the rest.

Hopefully with her daughter behaving like that, he will begin to see her for what she is.

Hope DS is improving. Have you discovered aqueous cream with calamine lotion in it yet? Mine suffered dreadfully from chicken pox. DS couldn't sleep afterwards and kept waking for 4 hours at a time - we took him to the cranial osteopath who sorted it.

Oh dear he really has messed around two women hasn't he? What a plonker.
Really hope you can create a brand new improved relationship after this hideous experience. So ggod that he made the Relate appointment! That's pretty amazing for a bloke. Good luck i hope you can be happy again. But whatever you do-get yourself some friends and a social life and hobbies outside DH-it'll make for a much healthier relationship and you'll appear so much more attractive to him if you get a life! I'll be your friend! I've got Rhematoid Arhritis too! But I live down South unfortunately.

Just checking in quickly. Poor DS is not having a happy time of it with his chickenpox.

DH is changing his mobile - apparently there were messages on it from the other woman's DD threatening all sorts.

I will come back when DS is away to bed - chickenpox is horrible, isn't it.

x

BW Havent had a chance to catch up yet - but hes back.

take is slowly and remeber you are still on that rollercoaster and you head will be spinning for a while yet.

Take care and email me if you want anytime.

thinking of you both.

Very good point MadameCastafiore! BW make sure he does this, you health is very important. I don't care if he says he used protection either, there are things you can still catch even with protection. Look after yourself x

Maybe get him to head off to the STD Clinic too on his way to relate?

Well, if he wants a solo session before couples counselling, maybe you should do the same. That way you'll be starting on an even footing.

Really good to hear from you x

Glad to hear your news BW.
Don't be tempted to brush things under the rug to be dealt with later because ds is sick.
I think if dh wants a chance to go to counselling alone let him even if you and he keep going separately as well as a couple. He may have issues to discuss that he feels will be too hurtful to you, you both have a lot to work through. You're right to be cautious and angry with him but if you want to make this work, if he sticks around this time, be careful the anger and resentment don't ruin your chances of reconciliation. Seething about it is always going to do you more damage than anyone else. Not that I'm advocating being a doormat! It may do some good to let go of that control enough to show him the full extent of the hurt he has caused because he means so much to you. I'm sure in there somewhere is the man you married. Praying for you both.

Hello BW, I've been a daily lurker, but only posted once. I'm so pleased for you, I hope it all works out. You are so strong, if he is as willing as he seems, you can rebuild it.

Many many good vibes and wishes to you.

BW - hope this is the beginning of a new life for you, it will be completely different, and may take a long time to gain that trust again, and quite rightly.

Your dh worries me a little that he is still the one in control, deciding on relate (by himself) and more importantly booking into a b&b, was that so he could be with OW and have you!

I agree with you, 'spare room' if he doesn't want to, you know its all a sham 'again'

Good luck, and I really do hope it works for you all, its our silver anniversary this august aswell so I can fully sympathise with your predicament.

Hello BW. That's looking more promising and I'm pleased for you. I have to say you don't sound quite as ecstatic as I think you may have expected you'd feel if he came home? I hope that having him back isn't an anti-climax and that, in time, you will be happy again together. Of course there is still a lot of uncertainty and a long uphill climb ahead but it sounds like DH has started on the right foot so to speak.

I'm not sure what I think about his request to see the Relate counsellor first by himself . I'm sure it's okay but a part of me wonders if he wants to get 'in there first' with his side of the story or to tell the counsellor that there are some things he isn't prepared to discuss in front of you. Is he trying to call the shots again and direct the counselling sessions too? I'm sure the counsellor will 'manage' the situation though - they must be used to every situation.

Do you think he is genuinely sorry for what he has put you (all) through and realises how downright appalling and cowardly his behaviour has been? Do you sense that he really wants to be back with you or that his relationship with OW has run its course and lost its shine? Sorry BW not trying to be negative, just a little suspicious after all that has happened.

Anyway more importantly for the moment how is DS? Poor little fella. I'm glad he has his Daddy around to cuddle him too.

I'm glad that you have spoken with your GP and she knows what's happening. I hope she and the HV can give you ongoing support.

I have all my fingers crossed that this is the start of your new and improved marriage BW. Thinking of you lots. Stay strong and drop that wretched boiler on his toes if he dares to let you down again!

Sounds as if your in control BW, you sound good.

FWIW I think he thinks it's a dead cert that you'll have him back, please don't make life too easy for him. Yes he's started well but so he bloody should do!

Well done BW and lots of love.

Yes Mr BW - I hope you read these threads and see what you have put your lovely wife through - you are very lucky to have such a strong and dignified woman to share you life with.

I too hope you go through with plans to meet up with the Durham lot BW (or attend our southern meet up as a VIP!). Even if your DH is back, you still both need friends.

Hi BW well I hope that things work out for you this time round. I hope he realises just how lucky he is to have you xxx

Glad you're doing ok, and lucky him, that you're giving him another chance. (MR BW, if and when you read this thread, I hope you realise what you've done. You're one lucky b*stard to be allowed another chance. I'm watching you ...)

BW, I really hope you go ahead with your plans to get together with the other Durham MNers. We all need friends, and I just wish I didn't live so far away, or I'd be knocking on your door, brandishing a nice sauvignon blanc and perhaps an enormous block of chocolate. So I hope you get to enjoy some wine, choc and good times with the Durham lot instead. Then the rest of us want to hear reports back of a really good night out!

BW, so glad things are starting to work out.

Hope that you're DS is getting better.

You do sound very calm and in control, remembe how strong you are and don't let your H manipulate the situation, this is about what you want and need as well.

You show him the threads, lets hope it shames him into realising what his jaunt has done to you (and how many MNers would bitchslap him if they ever met him ), you can always namechange afterwards!

Glad that you're OK, was getting worried x

So glad to have news from you BW.

Love and strength to you xx

I really hope you get to talk through everything and that he's genuine about it all. Has he said he's going to sever all contact with OW? Is he going to be open about why he's been so difficult to contact over these weeks?

Things sound so much more positive. It's good that he has taken the initiative to book into a B&B and arrange the relate appointment. It is a shame that he couldn't contact you and discuss these plans with you, but I suppose he needed to finish things with the OW, and maybe he thought it best to present you with a plan already put into practice.
Anyway, I really hope you have a good weekend.

Well done BW. You sound very level headed about it - remarkable considering how exhausted you must be.

If you show him the threads, do you have something set up for if you happen to need support on-line again without his being able to read it? i.e. e-mail addressed of people you feel can help you?

Good to hear from you, BoilerWoman. You don't mention it specifically but I'm assuming he has assured you that he has finished things with the OW and will not be doing a runner again.

Hope DS is feeling better soon.

Bw its good to hear from you.

It is good to see it is not all talk with him and he is taking action in booking the b&b and relate. I hope he has clearly demonstrated that all contact with OW is ceased NOW.

As Dalrymps says make sure he does'nt take charge of things and that you are doing this for the right reasons i.e. not just for the children.

I think you are very brave and we know how strong you are so please make sure you take the time to address his behaviour in full as well as looking at how you can both build a better relationship together.

This is'nt the easy option but I know you will have lots of support on here and relate can be a great help (speaking from experience). I wonder if it would help to show him the threads and then discuss at a future session together?

Hope DS is feeling better soon.

Oh; I am so relieved! I thought all these 'husband left' today threads were from different women.....

Glad you are managing to talk things through with your H. It is oromising that he has booked relate and the hotel although I would just say that you still need to watch that he isn't calling all the shots. He seems to be deciding how everything goes still and it should be you doing that. He doesn't get a choicem he has behaved terribly and put you through hell. What does he have to say about telling lies that you had not answered his texts???!

I think it is a good idea for him to see relate alone as well as with you, as some of the other ladies have suggested, he sounds like he's going through some sort of brekadown. In a way I kind of hope he is as it would explain his behaviour. Otherwise he's just been a utter b*stard for no reason other than being incredibly selfish.

I would definately show him these threads, he needs to know what he has done, what effect his actions have had on not just you but his children!

Glad the docs app went ok, don't be afraid to go back if you're feeling no better in a few weeks. The first time I went to the docs feeling down we decided no ADs but a few months later I was still feeling the same so went back. It's nothing to be ashamed of, take all the help you can get. Really use the relate service for youeself ans well as you as a couple, it could really help.

Stay strong, we're all here anytime you need to chat.

I'm sorry I have been away. DS's earache is now chickenpox, and he is very unhappy. DDs3 and 4 have not had it yet, so I am just waiting.

DH came back yesterday. He told me, before I asked, that he had booked into a fairly local B&B until tomorrow, when he goes back to work. He also showed me the appointment he already has with Relate, and he said that he wanted to speak to someone without me there just the first time, to kind of get a feel about what it was all about, and then we would go together if I was okay with that. I was very surprised that he had both booked into the hotel and sorted an appointment.

We talked a lot yesterday because all the DDs were out at school and DS at nursery.

I am going to show him the threads, when I am up to it.

I haven't decided where to go from here yet, and I have told him that. From Sunday he is at work and both from a practical and fnancial point of view it would be better if he were here. The spare room is ready.

I am surprised that I have been so calm and collected about all since yesterday.

The GP didn't give me anti-depressants. She upped my dose of amytriptiline,which I take because I have rheumatoid arthritis. I talked it through with her and came to the conclusion that I am goig to get through this without ADs.

It's been hard with DS though and in all honesty I am glad DH is back right now, as DS gets double the sympathy when there are two of us here.

I will come back later when I have DS to bed. I wonder if I am doing the right thing where DH is concerned. It feels right at the moment having him ear enough for emergencies etc. but not too close. If that makes sense.

Love to DH BottySpottom.....nah, not quite yet

That's a good excuse idea MrsF <copycat pours a second glass> A genuine toast "To your future happiness BW".

I agree with you Hoochie - I don't think BW can log on.

We will be here waiting BW whatever the outcome.

Love to you, your DH, DCs and stinky dog . Night.

Hi BW. (Love the new name!

Here's another one hoping you are sorting things out. Whatever the outcome for you and your H, I really hope you know we will all be here for you and will support your decisions.

Thinking about you and raising a glass to your future . X

Hello everyone. Hello bw

Just adding my thoughts to everyone else's. Hope to hear from you soon so that we know that you and the DCs are okay. x

If he's back I wouldn't be surprised if we don't hear from BW until she's back at work next week.

BW sending you my best wishes. We're all rooting for you! Hope you are OK.

Hope you are ok.

Still thinking of you BW. I hope if he's back that you're making positive progress, but most of all I hope you're coping with everything and that the DCs are still doing well. We're here whenever you need us.

BW you won't be flamed for taking him back, if that is what has happened.
We are almost best friends as we have all been together on this thread for so long

I just want to know that you are OK, and the DC and dog are well too

Stay strong

Oh where are you BW, hope your ok.

Ah, OK, was getting all paranoid!

Hope alls well BW, do let us know how you are.

Suspect Lemony has got her threads mixed up - there's another long-standing one which now has a spin-off facebook group.

Anyway - BW do let us know how things are going.

Dunno anyfink about facebook, but I hope BW comes back soon to update us!

Really hope she's doing OK.

Hi Bw thinking of you.

Hi BW, am just popping in. Hope all is well.

I think you have lost us all Lemonylemon ...

facebook ?

I'm not, I mean, am on FB, but am not FB mates with anyone on this thread.....

Yet!

Facebook Lemonylemon?

BW - just checking in. Hope that you're OK.

Is everyone now leaving this thread and going onto fb?

Am I allowed to join? <<sob sob>>

thoughts are with you BW - hope the DRs appt went well yesterday and that yr H is behaving better if he's back

Hope you are ok BW

Checking in BW. Hope all is OK with you.

Hope all is well with you BW.

HOw are you this morning BW?

Come back and let us know how you are

Morning BW, how you doing?

morning BW - do try and update us - did you go to the GP and get some help.

Remember you are in control of your life and you dont have to think what is best for anyone but you -you are the one who has held this family together and so you are the one who needs to come first now.

Take care and have a good weekend if i dont manage to get onl to catch up.

BW, hope you're OK, have to go to bed now...
If he is back, then OK, that's great.

We're here lovely, whenever you need us

Yeah - think he must be back. Well, we're here for you. Don't let him mess with your head...

BW am meant to be clearing up supper but have come on to see if you have managed to sneak on and update. I hope all is OK and that if he is back, you are enjoying him back.

Where are youuuuu BW? Hope your ok.

I'm thinking that disloyal bastard has wormed his way back in too....

BUT if he has BW we're all still here for you, I think you'll need us around somehow, don't trust him an inch.

Hope things are what you want, stay strong.

Thinking of you too BW. I do hope that whatever has been happening today the younger DCs have not been upset and unsettled and that you are all okay.

You know that you have our support no matter what decisions you have made BW. We're all on your side! x

BW - dont be frightened if you have taken him back - you will not get flamed and can always email me anytime.

Hope you are ok though.

Thinking of you BW x

Also hoping BoilerWoman is okay, sending her lots of good vibes.

<< taps fingers >>

(long time lurker)

Hope she is ok.

Hope you're okay. Agree with Lizzylou. Thinking of you BW.

Think he is back too

We are still here for support.

Absolutely Lizzylou - BW, hope you are OK.

Well Botty if BW's H is back, let's hope that it is on her terms and he agrees to working things through with counselling etc.

I wouldn't want BW feeling too embarrassed to tell us that he's back. She'll still need support if he is.

BW? You ok? Hope the docs went ok...

Hi BW hope the dr was some help.
Can't get 5 secs to self today but here's 2 websites that might be some help on recovering from an affair, the various stages of emotions etc.www.marriagebuilders.com www.pureintimacy.org. Gotta do school run ...again. Praying for you.

Am still Grrrrrr. The arrogance of this person. Lemme at him!

Thinking of you x

I think he's back or she would have posted by now :-(

How are things this afternoon BW?
Will check in later.
Thanks ladies for DD's birthday wishes.

Good luck BW. I really hope that the GP can help. Don't be afraid to open up. What you are going through is much worse than the usual kind of bereavement.

I could bitch slap your H I really could.

How are you BW?
How was the Doctors appointment?

Good luck at the doctors, I hope it went well....

I am gobsmacked BW.... really, sitting here with my mouth hanging open. I'm still with hitting him with a Solicitors letter that outlines all of his "offences"... leaving, OW, being unavailable, not being true to his word re: coming back when he said he did, shirking responsibilities, financial irresponsibility, etc, etc, etc. You don't have to have decided how you want to proceed with him, I just think he needs a giant stick of dynamite in the form of this letter placed firmly under his arse.

He is taking the piss. Massively. And you and the kids deserve NONE of it. You are not being selfish by thinking of yourself, at the moment, you are their only parent, their only carer, of course you have to look after yourself.

So he sent dd a birthday card. Big whoop. He does not deserve a prize. You all deserve better and he needs a giant kick up the whatsit.

(sorry for being a bit ranty)

what makes me angrier than anything is that he lied to your DD, saying it was you that wasn't communicating. How DARE DARE DARE he! He breaks your children's hearts, you pick up the pieces and then he attempts to deflect the blame for his appalling behaviour on you?

Wait for him to come back, if he does. Ask for proof he's broken permanently with the OW. Then say "what makes you think I'd want you now?".

Bastard.

Oh - and try not to let work go too much. Your boss may be a turd, but you do need that job xx

BW Good morning.....

Sooooooo, another difficult day for you. First off, just to say that you need to get your nerve back and centre yourself before you start to make any decisions.

Now, you say that you wanted DH back for the sake of the children. Well, think about this for a minute - three scenarios:

First, he comes back as he has said and things go back to the way they were before. So, in this instance, DCs have both parents back together - one parent (DH) doing exactly what they want to do. Other parent (you) a nervous wreck and downtrodden, frightened all the time in case DH decides in a few weeks/months that this is not what he wants. So, your DCs have one happy parent (DH) and one miserable, nervous, exhausted parent (you) who is running on empty and can't give them the love and hope that they need.

Second, he comes back under the strict proviso that you both go to Relate and both have counselling which MUST NOT stop after the first session and MUST carry on for what may take months.....

Third, you decide that you need to keep you (ie. your heart) and your DCs (their hearts) safe from the possibility of your DH doing this again and you decide not to have him back. Now, you will need to explain to your DC who are old enough to understand, that this is so not their fault, that Mum & Dad can't live together anymore, and that Dad will still be around and they can see him, he just won't be living with you all. Your children WILL NOT hate you - please stop believing that they will.

There are little bits of fun that you and the DCs can have which don't cost a lot of money - just a little bit of time. I used to do "dinosaur parties" for my DS when we were first on our own. Just get a pack of Bernard Matthews Dinosaurs, a pack of Smiley Faces and some baked beans or peas. Then, a tub of ice cream and pay a visit to the baking section in the supermarket - get some chocolate sprinkles, some jelly shapes or whatever takes your fancy and let the kids make their own mess ice cream toppings.

It's little things like that which do help. You keep that doctor's appointment this morning, and keep shouting out on here - we're all STILL behind you......

Hi Boilerwoman,

Just found your thread and cannot believe what you are going through. I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well in the circumstances.

You have had loads of good advice but I just had two observations that I wanted to add.

Firstly, I have no idea about this so other posters with experience correct me- but is it not really great that you have got these threads as evidence against him when and if you do need to arrange your divorce settlements? They are really detailed and have lots of dates/verbatim texts etc as proof. Don't know, just wondering, might it also be good to make sure none of his answerphone messages and texts are deleted as well.....

Secondly, looking through the whole thing, it does sound like your DH may be having a breakdown of some kind. Not that it excuses his unbelievably bad behaviour in the slightest, just that I find it hard to believe that he can be such a great father/husband and support all these years and then just switch overnight. If this is possible it might at least make you feel like you haven't been conned into loving the wrong man all these years. I'm not suggesting by this that his actions are forgivable in the slightest, just that he may have been genuine in the past.

thinking of you today BW x

at spelling mistakes, trying to type to fast again!

* can't let him do this to you again!

Oh BW, what an absolute twat of a man . IMO, whether you want to take him back or not you have to make it as hard as possible. Don't let him come back when he wants, tell him as another poster said you don't want him to cpme back yet/if at all. You can let him do this to you again. In protecting yourself you're also protecting your dc anyway, they get to see that no one is allwed to treat anyone else like shit, thats a valuable life lesson that will shape their lives.

What an absolute arsehole! Not only did he say he would come back, he broke that promise then didn't speak to you then just 'told' you he's comeing back. Who the fuck does he think he is? He has taken the piss out of your 'ultimatum' by manipulating you so he can do things in his own time. No.No.NO! Don't let him!

Hope your docs app goes ok x

Wishing you luck at the doctors this morning, BW. If he shows up before you leave, please please please just tell him you have somewhere to be and tell him to call you if he wants to arrange a time to talk or see the kids. Don't miss this appointment, your health comes first and that is NOT selfish. It's imperative for you and the DCs.

Good Morning BW.

I think he's having a breakdown. Honestly, this behaviour is bizarre in the extreme.

I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning, and remembering something that happened to me when my XH left me for someone else. I was broken, utterly and completely broken. I wandered around in a fug of grief for 2 months. (Oh, BTW, he refused to talk to me as well, and only ever told me that I was the one who'd broken the marriage by having an affair! which I hadn't)

I loved him desperately, and if he'd have made the smallest move to come home during those months I would have leapt at the chance. He didn't. One morning I woke up, and that rat-panic feeling had disappeared. I felt better, and actually, I wanted to go out and have some fun.

2 weeks later, he was back on my doorstep. Crying and pleading with me to take him back; but the thing was, I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted anymore. (We did get back together after 6 months of dating and therapy, only to split for good another 6 months later)

I want to reassure you. This grief will pass. Honestly, honestly, honestly, it will. And he will have lost so much, and you just won't care. He is a shit of a man BW, and you have proved to us, and hopefully to yourself, that you deserve infinitely more.

Wishing you strength to get through your day, boilerwoman. X

BW - please tell him that you are calling the shots now and you do not want him at home. If he is serious about you and your relationship resuming then he needs to work towards a situation where you can trust him.

If you just let him walk back in then you are allowing him to keep on kicking you to the kerb again and again and you will just end up hurting again.

Hitch a cloak of self respet back over you and tell him you deserve more - because him coming back because he actually wants to and has actually faced his actions of the last month or so will mean there is a chance that he will stay and work at your marraige and you won't be in a state of permanent anxiety waiting for him to do the off again. If you just let him back nothing has changed - he will still treat you with contemp and you will still be in pieces wondering whewre he is and what he is getting up to.

Make him earn your love and trust I suppose is what I am trying to say - BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

And so say all of us HappyWoman, great advice.

BW - dont reply - let him see he cannot treat you like this.

Take the time - and ask him to respect you and stay away for a while - if he wants to see the children let him but go out and have a scream.

He will only treat you the way you allow him to.

Telling him to stay away for a bit is not saying it is over and if he thinks it is then he really is not prepared to even start the hard work that is required i am afraid.

Doing everything you NEED will have to be one of his priorities and not what he wants.

I am shocked at the cheek of the man.

and I hope your visit to the docs goes well BW. You really are doing all this with great dignity and fight....long may it continue

Yes BW, hope that you are OK today.

I agreed with MakemineaGandT's post last night, if you want to save your marriage, I think you can. However, you cannot make it easy for him, he can't just think he can come and go as he wishes and he must know how badly he has treated you and your DC. He has a lot of work to do to earn back your trust and respect.

Hope the doctor's goes well.

We're all here

Hi BW, I was busy busy yesterday and have just dropped in on you.....god he's horrible, I think his actions prove he has no thought for you what so ever. He's vile.

That said, I know you love him so you must do what makes you happy at the end of the day but PLEASE have self respect, self preservation and PLEASE PLEASE don't just let him swan back in at the drop of a text. A text message FFS, he is such a wanker!

Good morning bw. I hope you managed some sleep although I'm sure it was probably far from a peaceful night. You must be so shattered but I'm sure you will find the strength today to hold on to your resolve and make brave decisions to protect yourself and your lovely DC from further turmoil and heartbreak.

Personally I can't imagine loving someone who has treated his/my children and me so diabolically and with such cowardice, disrespect and complete lack of humanity. I don't think I could ever trust him again knowing that he had been deceiving me for two years but you say you still love him and love defies reason. It has to be said though that he is not the man he used to be and the man you believed him to be. Don't lose sight of that bw. Your relationship has been torn apart and you have to consider that it might not be possible to fix it back together ... not without the help of counselling anyway.

I wish you mountains of strength today bw. Stand your ground. I hope your GP is kind and able to offer you all the support you need. Thinking of you. x

Good luck today BW, hope it all goes well at the Drs.

You know you can be strong, you have been so many times before.

Thinking of you today.

I agree with what everyone else have said about him. But

I don't think he is/will coming back to stay today. I think he will do what he did last thursday.

He will start with the 'sorries'

Then

He will come and make you promises

"yes I promise i will stop seeing OW". Followed by

"Yes i will come home to stay and and make our marriage work." Followed by

"Yes I will do whatever you want me to do"

And then the excuses But

"I need to tell OW whats happening and say sorry for hurting her" followed by

"I need to go and get my things" followed by

"I promise i will be back on Saturday".

And then once again he will bugger off and you will not be able to contact him again.

I would not let him see your youngest children today, just to have them upset again.

I would pack some of his belongings and listen to what crap he has to say. Then give him his belonings and tell him he must go and stay with FIL while you decide what the next steps will be. He must talk to you and not to text as you are adults and not teenages and you will not play text tennis and you will have proper conversation.

I hope you are ok, and get the help and support from your doctor and HV.

Good morning BoilerWoman.

Everyone's already said everything that's gone through my mind since reading your last posts, with "how fucking dare he" coming closest to my own sentiments!

Well done for not replying, nothing to be gained from engaging with him via text, especially since you have stated you are not willing to communicate that way.

It is vastly important today that you are not backed into a corner as you were last time he came home, i.e. did it in front of the kids so you had no option but to accede.

Please make sure you do go to the GP, even more so given last night's events. As you have some time off work, can you get the locks changed today?

Best of luck - I think you have learnt a huge amount in the last few weeks about your own capabilities and needs. Things he doesn't know. Now is the time to demonstrate them to him.

Sorry - I have come back before sleep to apologise for that last angry, ranty post - not very supportive.

But for fuck's sake! he is one seriously deluded, selfish bastard and he has put you through hell. Repeatedly.

And I don't believe he's sorry.

Words fail me.

Right now, he probably has his dick in the Other Woman.

He has abandoned his family and repeatedly lied and hidden like a dishonest, cheating coward.

He has disregarded your ultimatum and shown that he has zero respect for you.

He has announced by text like a long-awaited tablet of stone from Heaven that tomorrow, he'll be back. But wait! It's ok, Boilerwoman, because he's given you permission to tear a strip off him when he finally does rock up... If he can manage to keep this appointment.

Oh really?

Night BW.

i think he cant do a hotel...its either BW, or OW...prick

Yes - I think cary on as if you hadn't had that text.

For a start that is no way to communicate in these circumstances.

Do not cancel GP if he turns up - it's important you still go. Maybe tell him you will see him at some cafe or something afterwards - and that is is NOT to just march back home before he has explained what has been going on and then heard you say your piece.

I think a night or two in a hotel wouldnt be a bad thing for him.And then decide whether it is spare room, trial separation or what.

Yes BW maintain yr silence for now - you have made it very clear you will not communicate by text.

Presumably he can't ring you because OW has no idea he's planning to leave her again tomorrow.

I suppose you have no option but to hear him out tomorrow when he arrives. Has he indicated when he is likely to reappear?

Yes, say nothing. That has to be the best policy at the moment.
Possibly just don't reply at all- he hasn't replied to any of your texts, so why does he deserve a reply?
I think you need to just carry on as if he isn't coming home because all this up and down and getting your hopes up only to have them dashed is going to make you ill.

maybe you should say that you don't want him home yet- and possibly not at all- give him a tatse of his own medicine?

Obviously when I said Saturday, I meant tomorrow. <Is 2 days ahead of self>

I am at GP at 10.50am.

I am just sitting here staring into space. The dishwasher needs emptying, the telly is on in the other room, the Enormous Farting Dog needs feeding, and I want a shower.

Up until I got that text message I was okay. Well, not okay, but I knew what was happening for the rest of today, and tomorrow, and so on.

Now I feel like I am in one of those little snow shaker things and he has picked it up and given it a great big bloody shake. Does that make sense?

I want to say come back but get yourself into the spare room and stay there. I want to say sod off. I want to say please come home. I think just for now I am best off saying nothing.........

BottySpottom, I was thinking along the same lines about him coming back when the OW's back is turned - for some reason I have a feeling she doesn't know that he has returned at all. I don't know. The return visits that are always 'scheduled' in advance and the failure to show up on BW's terms... it doesn't seem to add up to me.

BW, I can't believe his text. If I were you I'd be out on Saturday, and make sure all his belongings are in sacks. You are not selfish. You are the only one who has thought of the DCs at all.

Yes Botty maybe you are right although I still things BW's posts are the most eloquent explanation of what he has put her through that he could ever get...

My current feeling is that yes he needs to explain himself, but not from the position of having moved back in. Needs to be on neutral ground in some way, and that he has to understand he is not in any sort of position to just swan back in, expect a bit of a telling off and then carry on as usual refusing to address any of the issues...

Its a tough decision, thoughts and worries of "is he going to disappear again" dc to consider

BW - please excuse my language but ...

how fucking dare he?

You are absolutely right to not respond. It's not that he missed the ultimatum deadline - he said he was coming home and then didn't fucking turn up!!! And didn't have the decency to even speak to you. And now this.

Please stay strong. I'm not suggesting you end yr marriage if you don't want to but I am saying ..

People will treat you the way you let them

You have too much dignity and self respect to be treated like a piece of shit. Don't let him do it again. Please make sure you keep the DR's appointment tomorrow regardless of whether he comes home or not.

You and yr children need you to be well

At the end of the day, he's your h, its your choice, nobody can tell you what to do, it has to be totally your choice.

But, can you meet up without the dc to discuss properly what 'you want' 'your rules'

To be fair, I think he has messed you about sooo much you don't know what you want yourself. Maybe a trial separation with maximum comunication between you both, set daily goals and weekly discussions till you can sort things out.

We will be here to support you, no matter what you decide, so good luck, poor you your head must be in overdrive!

Him reappearing again will only disrupt the children more. That's two disappearing acts with no warning, PLUS not showing up the other day as promised, PLUS not being there on DD's birthday.

At least if he's gone they know he's gone. If he keeps subjecting them to this instability, it only hurts them more in the long run....never mind that it is horrific for you and makes it harder for you to support the DC!

I wish I could take his stupid texting phone and shove it up his arse. Really for you---who treats his wife of more than 2 decades like this???

BW - you are not being selfish at all. The children will not benefit from having a house with stressed, arguing, unhappy parents. You need to protect yourself for your own sake but also for theirs. You are their source of stability and strength at the moment so preserve yourself for them and yourself. His constantly coming back and then leaving you means that you would be in a state of continuous anxiety about it. You can't live like that so - IMHO - you can only take him back in a way that allows self-preservation (taking things slowly preferably with him elsewhere though I know that is not easily affordable) and only if he can give you a damn good reason to give him another chance to prove himself.

What were you planning to do tomorrow on your day off before all this? I would carry on with whatever you were planning to do, don't be sat there worrying about him and being ready for him, get on with your life.

I would also have his stuff ready for him to take. If he comes back and you are out that'll give him a fairly clear message. If he doesn't come back, that's one job out of the way, you can leave it at his work for him next week. If he does come back and you are in you can tell him that you gave him the ultimatum that ran out Monday, he said he'd come back and didn't so you are organising your life without him. Let him do the work to beg and try to convince you that he is worth trying again. But remember the choice is yours and it is him who has damaged the family not you.

No BW--you are not selfish at all. In fact you have been very unselfish throughout this entire time. Even in your bleakest moments you were considering your DC;s

The way you are acting tonight is protecting your DC's. Well done

Katisha - I thougth that, but then it removes from BW her source of support on here. Unless we all move somewhere else ...

You are so unselfish. You have to protect yourself first. You are now in the position where IMO you are better off without him for the immediate future.

Don't reply to his txts. What time is your DR appointment tomorrow?

Grrrr, don't even think about calling yourself a selfish cow! You are anything but BW. It is more important that you are happy than anything else. If you are happy and stable, your children will be.

Is there any pattern to his leaving and coming back? I am wondering if she is on a shift pattern - and maybe he comes back when he can't face her doing nights or something?

Good for you turning off the phone.

Have to go and lock up now but will check back before I go to bed. Take care BW - what a huge decision you have to make (though you can always do what he does and just not make one).

You never did show him the earlier threads did you?

They and this one would make an interesting sheaf of papers for him to read before any negotiation about whether or not he comes home can start...

How much printer paper have you got??

NO NO NO! YOU are not selfish! HE is the arsehole who keeps jerking everyone around!

He had the ultimatum, he FAILED, he just can't come swanning back in like this! What a complete and utter fucker!

Given his behaviour before when he supposedly came back, it is NOT selfish in the least to refuse to have him home now. It is self-preservation, and it's saving the DC from more of his stupid disappearing acts.

I just want to say something else BW - and that is that if you really want to and if your D(?!)H is prepared to put a lot of hard work in, it is possible that you could rebuild your marriage - you shouldn't feel bulldozed into chucking him out permanently if you don't want to. He has treated you appallingly but that doesn't (necessarily) mean you need to write him off for good - lots of people make mistakes and it is possible to get over them. I'm not trying to stick up for him here - I just want to say that if he wants to come back you are holding all the cards, and if you want to have him back then that is a valid way forward - don't feel that you are a fraud or a mug etc etc. This is waffly - what I mean is that you shouldn't feel that you can't have him back if you want to. The key is how though - it is going to take a LOOOOng time.

Of course it could just be that he is a prime tw@t and you are better off without him. Only you know what the right thing to do is.

I haven't replied.

I fact I have taken a leaf out of his book and turned off my phone, and the house phone.

I really can't think straight. If he had sent a message at least apologising, or rang me, but he didn't.

I remember the last time he said he was coming back and all the different things I felt then, and THEN I remember how I have felt since he didn't come back after all.

If he came back again and then just left, I could not bear it.

And all I can think about right now is what to do to keep safe what little of me is left, if that makes sense. I just can't let him do this to me any more.

I haven't even considered the DC's feelings yet. Selfish cow.

Sorry BW havent posted before but been lurking since day 1. You have had so much good advice from MNers l had nothing to add.

However much as you love this twat -he has let both you and your DC's down not once but several times.

If you dont grow a pair of balls --well he certainly doesn't have any--how long do you think he will stay this time before doing a runner back to OW. Regardless of what he says or does you cannot trust him.

Trust and respect have to be earned and not given freely. he has such a long way to go if he thinks he can just pick uo from where he left off.

I really admire the way you have been dealing with this and you have come such a long way--please do not let im beat you down again.

Pack up his things and if he arrives tomorrow tell him if he is serious about wanting to come back--to go live alone for a while and start dating each other again to see if your lives together can be rebuilt.

The man you married no longer exists, this man has a side to him you don't know and perhaps you will see you don't like him after all.

Do not forget you must make a life for yourself with out him--find some RL friends and take some time out from the DC'a

You deserve to be happy but l am not sure that it is going to be with that twat man

Another one here who hasn't posted before on this thread but who has been following it and rooting for you.....

I echo everyone here who has praised you for your strength and courage and your devotion to your children. You are amazing and should feel very proud of yourself.

None of us know your husband or what reasons he might have for doing what he's done - he's an idiot and he probably knows it. If you do choose to have him back he has a LOT of work to do to regain your trust and respect - he simply cannot expect to turn up tomorrow and move back in as though nothing has happened. You must not allow this, no matter how much you want him back.

I just thought I'd share another personal story with you - my father did the same thing to my mother years ago, leaving her with four children and no money. She had been with him since she was a teenager and had no idea how to live without him. It was hard for her (and us children) for a while, but we all came through it and can honestly say it was the best thing that happened to all of us. My Mum really blossomed after Dad left and is so happy (and remarried!) now. She would not be the same person she is had this not happened to her.

You will be fine BW, whatever happens. I promise.

Lizzylou speaks for me too. You deserve so much more. He can't just waltz in tomorrow. Life doesn't work like that. I am so angry with the way he is treating you.

If he does show up tomorrow, please don't let him through the door.

The power has now shifted, you have the house, the DC and the moral high ground. It's payback time. He has to earn his way back if that is even going to be possible. You have changed and grown so much these last 7 weeks. You may not even want him.
Whether he comes or not, you are one brave woman. Look after yourself and your DC.

Gosh, agree with everyone, words fail me, he is such a tosser!
piece of shit,
you didnt answer his texts TOSSER, lying tosser....you are worth SO MUCH MORE...i wish i could make you see.
oh BW...

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Utterly outrageous.

So upset on your behalf.

Texts are the invention of the devil.

Spineless, gutless, arrogant, selfish.

Print out these threads and send them to him.

Absolutely agree Lizzylou

Please at least change the locks so he can't just swan back in while you're at work?

(Oh and I meant to say - I don't know who you talked to, but Sure Start (government run) is completely different to Home Start. The only criteria is that one of your children must be under 5.)

Well I've still got my blunt rusty scissors to hand to give him a sexual adventure he won't forget!

On a serious note BW I hope your are ok and you will be in my thoughts tonight as will only be able to read and not post later as will be on the ipod and have got to go and prepare for DD's birthday tomorrow.

Hope your DD had a good as possible birthday and im sure you will have lots of support on here tonight whatever you decide.

BW, sweetheart, no matter how bad you feel now, can you imagine how much worse you would feel just letting him back?
He needs to fight for you, to prove his worth.
How could you go on wondering if you'll arive home from work to an empty house and a note again?
IF he comes back, it is on YOUR terms, not his.
Please, BW, you owe yourself that much

What a complete arsehole!!!!

I'm so so so with him and I don't even know him.

How dare he treat you like some inanimate object that he can pick up and put down whenever HE pleases.

Firstly, what the hell is he playing at telling DD2 that you don't answer his messages of concern over DS? As if he has been so worried and you are being obstructive. You have done nothing but try to keep the children from hating him for what he has done to you all and in return he is lying to them to make you look like a baddie. If there is one thing I hate it is a liar. What a tosser!!

Secondly, "I'm coming home tomorrow to stay." How dare he assume that he can come home and completely disregard the ultimatum you gave him last week. I'm sorry to say this to you as you are a nice person but the man either has no respect for anything you say or he has short term amnesia.



You deserve better than this.

Absolutely Jiggly - booking their seats on the train as I type!

He is sure of himself isn't he. Knows he can just walk in when ever he wants.

No explanation as to why he chooses to continuously ignore you, no apology, no idea where he lives, no contact except when he chooses and no even asking you if he can come back.

Don't let him keep you where he's got you BW.

Botty can we take the good looking male mumsnetters and make sure they answer the door to him?

Oh my goodness bw He has sent you a text to tell you he is coming home ... again. I'd love to stamp on his wretched phone. Be careful with that iron! I know where ....

I agree with Katisha and Botty. Don't jump just because he has deigned to snap his fingers in your direction. You gave him an ultimatum and he seems to have conveniently forgotten that he did not comply. More than that, he said he was coming home and then neglected to arrive or communicate with you or his DCs for a further three days. He clearly is not taking you seriously. What utter arrogance.

He's got a cheek he really has. The audacity of the man. He obviously doesn't know the new formidable you does he and is assuming you will glady fall at his feet and worship him the moment he chooses to step back through the door. No way! I know you have more self respect than to let him dictate to you as it suits him. For goodness sake what's to say that he may not change his mind again by Friday.

Oh bw he is messing with your head like you are some kind of puppet whose strings he can pull when he gets bored playing with his other toys.

Wishing you self control by the bucket load bw. Stay calm and don't rush into any decisions now. Try to detach yourself emotionally (yeah right) and think things through objectively.
You don't deserve to be toyed with like this

Botty make that 31

I'm in Botty.
Am gobsmacked by the audacity of the man.

Anyone else up for a trip up to Durham on Saturday? That would be fantastic, wouldn't it. He leaves his wife, his wife he thinks is isolated and friendless - and then the door is opened by 30 angry Mumsnetters from all around the UK.

It's ALL about him isn't it?

Don't let him back that quickly / easily / if at all. Tell him the Monday deadline was IT!!! Period!!! Or you'll never get taken seriously again.....

What an arrogant and condescending piece of shit.
Sorry, but that text is so out of order.
He has lied to your DD trying to blame you for him having not been in touch and now he is acting like he has just been late back from the pub.

WTF!!!???
You deserve so much more than this.
He knows it too, ultimately.
I will sit on your sofa tomorrow/Saturday and bloody tell him so.
Am fuming, you're ironing his DC clothes and he's playing wanky mind games????????

Sorry, but please, get angry and sort him out BW. Whether you take him back or not. YOu are a lovely human being (the mother of his DC) who doesn't deserve the torture he has put you through these past few weeks.

coming home are you - i told you monday was decision day - and you didn't contact me - afraid I have contacted a solicitor and wheels are in motion - so i sugest if your nest isn't being feathered you find some where else - i made myself quite clear before

thats what I would say - and i have been is a similar position

The bloody NERVE of the man!!

Pleeeeaase don't let him walk all over you BW -he will keep doing it.

Even if you are willing to take him back don't make it easy for him. For all of your sakes.

And ... 'tear a strip off me'- he makes it sound like he's a naughty school boy and stolen an extra bit of cake, not left his wife and five children twice and failed to have any contact.

I agree with other posters who have said that it's important that he knows this is your decision. And if your relationship with him has a future, it is going to be a brand-new one - therefore needs a brand-new start, not just him slinking back.

Keep being the strong, dignified lady you are.

I don't know what I would really do in this situation, but I hope I would tell him to bloody well book into a hotel, then I'd change the locks and make him negotiate HARD to even get back in the door. If he wants to see the DCs, let it be in a neutral place, not in your house.

im in such shock at the brazen cheek of the man so I hope you are breathing deeply and able to gain some clarity of what you want before responding.

Dont respond by text because you are trying to break that cycle.

Call him if his phones on. I would ask for his conatct details i.e. address in case of emergency for the children and then ask why on earth he thinks he gets to decide whats going to happen. Really put the wind up him!

I would give him the ultimatum to come home right htis minute but as others will probably agree he should not be able to 'move' straight home - is there a manky B&B you could stash him for the night?

And even after everything I dont blame you for saying you would wait indefinitely for him but you have to do this on your terms otherwise he will just continue this agony.

He is tellng you he is coming back tomorrow but DD that he is coming over on Saturday. Keep you guard up BW. Its time for you to call the shots. X

Good grief Boilerwoman. Logged on and read the last texts first, so wondered what in the world had happened.

My first response was 'no you're not bloody well coming home matey' - then I remembered he wasn't my husband and it's not my home . Why tomorrow? Sorry to be crude, but is he fitting in a few more blow jobs first? WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THE MAN - you said Monday was the deadline.

He sounds totally screwed up in that he only wants what he can't have and when he can't have it. You know I'd be so tempted to wait until he had left a note or whatever for the other woman and turned up at your door, and then turn him away, just so he knew what it felt like for a change.

BW, I've not posted before, but have been following and really rooting for you. I second what Slambang just said. All on your terms now. Stay strong - you've been amazing.

Whatever you decide to say don't send anything tonight.

At the very least a dignfied silence is called for here. YOu may want to see how you feel in the cold light of day tomorrow.

And this man has hidden behind a switched-off phone and a couple of texts for a fortnight. I don't think it would at all right to get back to him tonight just because HE has decided the channels of communication are open.

God I feel so ANGRY with this man. It's as if you are a piece of furniture or something and will just carry on doing whatever you do while he decides whether or not to join you.
How dare he just assume he can come back just like that? How DARE he?

Have you got his stuff sorted out? Having it in on view packed up and clothes in bin bags for him to take would give the message that it's your choice whether to take him back (and you might refuse) not his choice to waltz back in again.

Whatever you do you need to make sure that he knows you're serious and he needs to make a pretty good case for himself to convince you.

Text him back now.

"Sorry - not ready to let you back home. If you are serious you need to move to a place on your own where we can have regular contact with you and we can start to build bridges and have some counselling. I will decide later on getting back together."

Another lurker here but had to post.

Please do not let him back YET. Stand up to him and keep him at arms length at least until he has talked to you honestly.

Then have him back IF YOU want.

BW, haven't posted for a few days.
So he's assuming he can just come back tomorrow (assuming he does) and move back in his he?
I think you need to think very carefully about whether you can see yourself being happy at some point in the future with him. He has let you down and left you with no warning three times now (including not coming back last time), it is going to be very difficult to trust him again.
If you think you can rebuild it then I would make sure that he promises to stick to the ultimatum points that you gave him last time (spare room, going to relate, never seeing her again) and gives you a damn good explanation about what has happened this week and why you should trust him now.

oh my god boilerwoman!

first chance to log in and post and i see this!!!!

If you want to see him I would demand he grows a pair and phones you right this minute. IF you are upto I would give him the ultimatum get his arse home right this minute or its going through solicitors and nowt else!

Not been sick. Am going ironing anyway. Am in shock again at even hearing from him, let alone the content.

Haven't responded to text.

Seriously though, I don't know what to do.

I will come back once ironing done.

OH My GOD; my dinner is burning but i had to post!!! Shit! What do we do now. That male escort was a cross [post by the way.
Wow, how bizarre. Tear a strip?! Murder more like!!!
Christ. Got to go get dinner then i'll be back. Stay calm. Don't get happy and excited; just do serious thinking of how to play it.

It's up to dd2 whether she wants to be around to see him, but you don't have to be. Up to you whether you want to go on grovelling (and hating yourself for it), or cut loose. Take ds and dd4 to the park or a play area and stay out.
Don't play silly games trying to make him think there is another man in your life.
And if he is still there when you come back tell him to go. You made up your mind you didn't want him back, now stick to it.

What's the local Mumsnet board for your area? We need to advertise for a man QUICKLY! Though male escort is an option. I think you definately need to do it. Just tell DC's he's an old friend.

OH NO. NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.

I have just had a text:

"What's wrong with DS?

I'm coming home to stay tomorow. You can tear a strip off me then"

Oh no. No. Tell me what to do. I think I am going to be sick.

Sorry. I was in the middle of posting and then DD2 said she had heard from him and so I lost track of what I wanted to say and promptly deleted it all,to post this instead:

He texted her to wish her a happy birthday. He said he would drop her present round on Saturday, what was wrong with DS earlier in the week, because I am not answering his texts. FGS. I haven't had any texts. I told him to be a man and ring me not hide behind texts.

Why is he doing this? This is like something a silly teenage boy would do, not a grown man.

Yes. Everything right now Is Shit. I'd wait indefinitely, of course I would, I love him. But he will never know that. DD2 was planning on going shopping on Saturday with her boyfriend. She's gone out with him now and when she comes home I wil tell her to just go anyway. I cannot even trust that shit to turn up can I? Why should she miss out on a shopping trip and a bit of fun. Which would you rather do??

Has anyone got a man they could lend me, just for Saturday, on the off-chance he does turn up. I would so love to see his face if there was a bloke sat here. I just wish I knew anyone I could ask. I'd even pay (could I get a male escort in?).

And you see he has done it again now hasn't he, he has thrown me because he sent DD2 a text. Part of me hopes he will come on Saturday, and 99% of that part hopes he comes for the DC, but the other 1% hopes he comes for me. I just don't learn, do I?

I am off to do the ironing and hoping for some sage replies when I get back.....

he won't communicate with you because he is ashamed and embarrassed and doesn't know what to say now.

i too think he will be back snivelling to you soon, i think you need to get a bit tough
otherwise he's going to keep thinking yes i'll go back to her after such and such, becasue the ow obviously puts her foot down and he can't quite stand up to her. don't let him keep thinking you will wait indefinately (even if thats the truth)

oh boilerwoman, its bloody shit isn't it? what the hell is he playing at? couldn't he just get a tattoo instead for his mid life crisis.

anyway on the plus side think of how you've opened up and are about to embark on a new social whirl, even if you and dh get back to gether, this has been a massive break through for you. it has enhanced your own personal development, and you have proved what a strong person you are.

Hi BW, Hi Everyone,
On bath topic, useful to imagine a washing off of the negativity, then the flushing down the plug later...
Glad DH (dick-head {sorry}) remembered DD birthday...
my guess to his whereabouts is that he is on holiday, perhaps got someone else to post the card...he will be back as soon as he is back, if you know what i mean.
tosser.
will check in soon, sending big love, strength, power, all that xx

yes bw it is the little things to get you through.

A nice bath with a candle was a good distraction for me. Another technique for clearing the mind is to watch the candle flame and try and focus on only that - nothing else at all, of course all sorts of things come into your mind but soon you learn to just let them in and then go again - all the while watching the flame.
A few deep breaths too that fills your lungs with good and as you exhale all the bad things go.

anyway will try and look in tonight - we have BIL staying for a few days so will have to entertain him.

Hi BW
I came across your thread a couple of days ago and have read all your posts (housework v. neglected!). My heart absolutely goes out to you. I had the experience of getting my heart completely broken by dh actions at end of last year and, although it was over his use of porn and probably sounds so silly and miniscule compared to what you have and are going through, I can identify with the darkness, betrayal and ongoing hurt you are experiencing. You are so brave to even have reached out to MN in the way you have, please remember you may be talking to us through a computer but we are all RL people who care very much. As for being able to keep up with your ironing through such a crisis - you're a lot more alpha mama than many of us.
A few things that kept me going through the darkest days were( strange though they sound they do work)
a) try to visualise how it feels in your head when you are trapped in your thoughts, pain, worry. Does it feel like a massive concrete block on top of you, a ball and chain, chains all around you, a prison cell etc. Mine felt like I was in a small box with darkness all around and all this hurt pressing in from every side. Now realise these are your thoughts so you have the key or the power to break free eg. prison cell - imagine searching for the key, putting it in the lock opening the door and walking out to bright sunshine, blue skies, freedom. Box - jumping up & bursting through lid. I know to start with it feels like nothing you can do will stop the process in your head & heart and obviously none of this changes the reality but it really does help give you a bit of peace. You'll maybe have to through the visualisation constantly to start with but as time goes on I hope you'll find you do it automatically once the endless cycle starts in your head. You will still have to sort through your feelings and all the practical worries rather than blanking them with this technique but when it's all becoming too much maybe it will give you a few minutes peace.
b) Quote from Robocop? (i think) "Tomorrows another day"

I hope you make some sense out of this far too long and rambling post. Please don't dismiss this as hippy nonsense, I'm a down to earth kinda person who rolled her eyes when she first read the above technique but seriously take a few minutes,really try to nail down whatever description works for you and give a try - anything worth a go if it helps.
Best wishes at the doctors tomorrow, maybe you could write down anything you want to discuss beforehand. Praying for you.

I see a trend here - you having to deal with hopeless useless mean (not suggesting all men are like this) ... first your H, then your boss.

What would your boss do if you were on holiday? If he is hopeless and can't cope without you, that's his problem. Tough - you have enough on your plate. Please don't take on his incompetence as well as your H's.

Don't you find it hard not giggling at him now you know he is bad in bed?

Hope you get through today OK, bw. x

Yes, apparently, that is about the size of it..

Now most people would think, Christ she is having a really hard time let's step back a bit, but not him.

And so maybe that means I should do some work now....I shall be back later, as you know, once the little ones are in bed and I am drowning not waving once again.. x

I realised afterwards BW that you were a Legal bod!!!
Glad to see you sounding hopeful and with good humour.
Cannot believe your boss..."Whats the problem today than?"
What a (albeit miniscule) knob.

thank you for such good advice today.

My boss actually came in and checked through what I have achieved today (okay, okay, admittedly it's bugger-all) and said "so what's the problem today then?"

The problem, mate, is that you are a misogynist pig who I happen to know has had an affair with one of your colleagues and she has told everyone else that you are crap in bed.

Actually what I said was that my PC is running slow.

And my SIL contacted me with a website in her neck of the woods which is for people to get together, make friends, relationships, whatever. I had a good look and there seem to be some nice people on there. Not that I am looking of course but it is good to know there are other people in the same boat as me who I might, one day, be able to email and chat with or something.

And thank you for the solicitor recommendations. I had a little chuckle because one of the firms on there is the one that made me redundant last year!

I'm not trying to make light of thing. I am just glad I got through the morning without climbing out of the window...

BW - would you consider getting your solicitor to write to him at his work place if you won't go there yourself?

you don't have to start divorce proceedings - you can threaten it.

You need to make some progress now - you can't wait for him to get sense - you will feel better for it.

Oh BW. It's ok to wobble. I'm not sure if what you describe are panic attacks or not, but either way it's totally what you'd expect. You're extremely run down and running on very little sleep, you're being everything to everyone. I'm certain the doctor will be able to give you something, and in the meantime I know others have suggested Kalms and Bach Rescue Remedy - I would recommend these too!

I'm glad he sent DD2 a 'nice' card (though how it can be that nice when he hasn't bothered to give her anything or contact her in any way for the last week, I'm not sure). The fact that he sent a card so close to the date of her birthday also suggests that he hasn't gone away, so he is just ignoring you all for no good reason. Could you read the postmark on the envelope?

Totally agree with Orangina too. Stay strong - I hope you've got some lovely cake or something planned for DD2's birthday to look forward to!

Here are a list of top rated Family Lawyers in your area:
here

My Mom chose one from her local list and got a great settlement, friendly advice and professional service.

Could be a start?

can i just agree with the other posts?

My best friend issued a decree letter to her DH when they were going through a bad patch- they are still together albeit with issues- but starting the divorce process does not have to mean you follow it through. In your head, i t hink you have to really believe that it is a final step, but legally there is plenty of slack if things turn themsleves around.

Find yourself a kindly possibly femal divorce expert- legal firms have websites now and there is usually a biog. of all the partners- but then you'd know that anyway and may know of someone who can help.

Hello bw so sorry you had another horrible night. I bet your dog was unimpressed at being woken up and taken for a walk at 5am. I wonder if the RSPCA would like to take on the search for your H, hunt him down and prosecute him for trauma to his fat farting dog by default Ah just joking. I'm sure she is grateful for all the out of hours exercise (and H's unclaimed Sunday lunch!).

Oh bw I'm not trying to make light of this awful awful nightmare. Of course I completely understand that you don't want to get upset at work but I don't believe it's yet a sackable expense to cry in the office and maybe your boss and colleagues would turn out to be more sympathetic and kind than you expect. I'm like you though, I hang on to my emotions come what may, and would be mortified if I lost it in public so please don't think I'm being critical. I am just in awe of how professionally you are handling your job and how amazingly well you are coping at home too.

I echo what everyone else is saying. You really are not whingeing, not in the slightest. Don't give yourself a hard time ... please. You are single-handedly managing four children and a full time job whilst trying to contain unbearable grief. You

How do you feel about the suggestions to get a Solicitor's letter to your H at work - or even about making an appointment to see a Solicitor? Does that feel too final to you? Like you've given up hope? Conversely it could help you feel more in control and like you are steering your life again rather than just being churned and thrown around in the midst of a stormy seas with no land in sight.

I know you are seeing the GP tomorrow but why not get something like Kalms to help you through tonight. It may help you relax just a little and take the edge off the fear and emptiness in your heart during the night.

Wishing you lots of strength today and of course many happy returns to dd2.

"Maybe it is something that happens after a death, so maybe it is normal and not a panic attack."

After my Stepdad died, my younger brother developed panic attacks for a while. It was a response to grief. It doesn't mean you're not normal, whatever that is! Don't get hung up on it, you've been getting on with it and coping admirably, but when you bottle it all up it's bound to need to come out sometimes. These episodes sound like a sort of release valve, when the pressure of bottling it up gets too much, your attacks let some of it out.

You need a break, so you look after yourself for a bit BW. Perhaps when you finally find out his address you could drop the kids off on his doorstep and go away for a weekend?

Im also 'lurk' not being able to add anything else which has not already been said by the wonderful MNers on here. I also agree with Orangina etc, get a letter sent to his work froma solicitor. He needs to face up to things now!
I shall continue to lurk and be thinking of you. I always check to see how you are every day BW. Think you have been fantastic.

Lurking every day and not posting as don't know what to say further than what other people have said.

Absolutely agree with Orangina. He needs a reality check now.

High Fives right back atcha Orangina

BW, you can do this, you really can and he needs to face up to things, truly he does.
You have so much support here, so many MNers wanting to meet up with you (and give you Pimms and G&T's ), we're all here and we all know you're hurting.

(high fives Lizzylou...)

Completely agree with Orangina, the Solicitor could contact him through work.
He does need to face up to things now, he can't just run away, you can't can you?
How about financial aspects? Has he given you any money to run the house etc?
I do think it's time to get tough now, he's had enough grace.

BW, I have been following your threads wince your original post and my heart goes out to you... You have been so amazing and strong and absolutely THERE for your dc, which is more than can be said for your (not so d)h....

I think you need to get serious with him and get a solicitors letter sent to him at work stating what you expect from him. He is being so SPINELESS in not responding to your texts and just keeping his phone off. Also, is it a bad thing for the children to know that their father has decided to spend a bit of time away while he makes a few decisions? You don't have to mention the OW at this stage (it SO won't last btw...) but you are taking EVERYTHING on yourself and you need to cut yourself some slack... he should take responsibility for his actions.

Not meaning to sound bossy or anything at all, I think you are being amazing. You are awfully hard on yourself though and yet you are the one who has behaved faultlessly....

(It will continue to hit you in waves I think, rather like bereavement.... its terrible the way it rolls in and hits you just as you think you are getting better, BUT it WILL get better.... and you are getting stronger every day......)

please stop being nice, I can't cry at work!

Sadly I work in a small office now. Had I been in my previous employment I would have been out the door and on the sick. My immediate boss knows but he is absolutely useless. There is no way I could ask to go home early or anything like that. It would just be impossible.

Yes, Lemony you are quite right, I cannot let him dictate to me. I want some acknowledgement that we have five DC, four of whom are at home and want to see their dad (albeit with varying degrees of interest)and who need him, and that something is going to have to be sorted out about that and about money. I am convinced I would not be in this terrible state if I was in contact with him, and could sort out practicalities. I think that's the hardest thing right now. He just will not communicate with me at all, and I don't know why.

BW Yes, what's happening to you is bereavement - as I mentioned on the other thread. You don't keep going on a straight line - it comes and goes in waves. You can have 3 good days, then something very small can hit you and bring you to your knees again. You've lost the relationship you had for 27 years. You've lost the relationship you would have had for the next X number of years. Like I said, it's the what should have beens and the what should be's which you're grieving the loss of.

Honestly, what you've been posting on these threads is quite normal. The only thing that you don't have at the moment, which is very hard, is "closure" (urgh, hate that word, but it is useful). You're in the state of not knowing one way or the other. But, you can't let the rest of your life be dictated by someone (ie. your H) who doesn't know what they want - the effect of that is that you feel skewered.

The only person who is going to be able to put the building blocks of your family unit into some semblance of order, is you. You will do it, you know you will. You will dig down very deep and find a determination to do this for your DCs - because you're a brave woman who loves your DCs dearly.....

BW Happy birthday to you dd

Stay focused, you are doing soooo well. Hope the doctor can sort you out tomorrow.

Morning BW. Sorry you had a terrible night. You aren't wingeing at all - in fact I can't believe how little you are wingeing.

Maybe if you couldn't handle a week at home alone with your thoughts, instead of taking a week off work you could take a few hours a day off. Time to have a bath and a nap and keep still for a bit? Does your immediate boss know what is going on? Can they not see how exhausted you are (though having worked in partnerships myself I know that working people 'till they drop can be part of the culture sometimes!).

I've been watching these threads, I've not commented at all, as the advice you've been getting has been fantastic.

I really, really think you need a week off work. When my XH left me for a COKE ADDLED WHORE, I had to take a fortnight off work. I literally could not get out of bed, I am in awe of you.

Please take some time off. Please.

I thought that once I started to feel better that would be it, that I would keep moving forward and forward. But it isn't being like that at all. Just a simple thing like his writing on an envelope has sent me way back again.

I want to contact him and say come and see your DC on Saturday before you go back to work on Sunday, but of course I can't.

I looked up panic attacks on the web and I don't know if that is what I am having. It's just a terrible feeling of loss and grief that hits me, out of the blue, when I just want him, home, NOW. I don't know if that is the same thing as a panic atack? Maybe it is. Maybe it is something that happens after a death, so maybe it is normal and not a panic attack.

I know that I have to get through this as I have no choice. I am fine so long as I don't think about the last twenty-seven years. If I find myself thinking about him now and what he is doing it hurts, like a real physical pain.

I just have to get on, don't I?

BW, you are not whingeing!
Goodness, you are so strong and brave, but what's happened must have knocked you for six.
Try and make some time for yourself, perhaps when you are off work try and have a massage as Happywoman says, or get your hair done or anything to make you feel nice and soothed.
See what the GP says, if you don't want AD's there are plenty of other things the GP can suggest I am sure (and that MNers have suggested)
I think you're Wonderwoman to be honest

Happy Birthday to Numal's DD too, sorry, forgot before.

You're not whingeing - you're going through a total nightmare. You've had your life turned upside down, inside out, pulled through the hedge backwards (any more things I can think of?) It's a terrible time for you and your DCs - please don't think that you whinge - it's just that those of us on the outside who have followed your journey, can see what's happening. We're not emotionally involved like you are. And panic attacks are awful and, well, make you panic.....

Happy birthday to your dds, Boilerwoman and numal

thank you. I am trying - sorry to whinge again.

BW As I've said in a previous post of mine, you're going through the grief bit, which brings on panic attacks too. You're doing brilliantly. Copycat's post earlier about having all your DCs and FIL over for a little dinner is a brilliant idea - your FIL will see what an honourable person you are and have been throughout this nightmare that you're going through.

The grief will come in waves - you'll have good days and bad days - sometimes right out of nowhere - just accept that this happens and go with the flow. I know how easy it is for other people to say this, but it is true.

I'm on my own with my two DCs and haven't had a full night's sleep since, erm, before August 2007. But I sometimes take to my bed at 8.30pm the next night just to rest when it happens.

Be brave (which you are being), draw strength from all the MNers who are rooting for you and above all, take care of yourself and your DCs.

Just admitting to the gp that you need some help my relieve some of the panic. And just knowing that you can have drugs if you want may be enough too.

How about treating yourself to a lovely massage or reflexology.

Also i found hypnotherapy very helpful.

You are doing so well even though you may feel you are not. hang on in there.

Working today so wont be on much but thinking of you.

Hi BW
So sorry you had an awful night. Panic attacks are very frightening, aren't they? You need to tell yourself that they are not physically harming you, they are a reaction to stress, but not an illness in themselves.

Anti-depressants can help a lot with panic attack symptoms, although they take a couple of weeks before you will have a really noticable effect. Sometimes though, just knowing that you have taken the positive step of medication will help to calm you.

BW- happy Bday to the DC.

I think you have to accept that you will have good days and bad days/nights and not try to get too worried over those.

It's all normal, though not pleasant.
Is there anyway your DC could learn not to wake you up if they are awake,as you seem to be getting lots of disturbed nights with them? Could he be told to stay in his room and not wander?

I reallly would urge you to take the "talking therapy" route rather than the drug route if you see your GP. you may be eligible for 6 sessions f counselling on the NHS- but you need to ask.

IME I have not met anyone who has a good experience of ADs or similar. This includes medics who have taken them themselves! I know too many people who have got hooked, and
realsied that it was only by changing their behaviour and thoughts that they could move forward.

If you are having probs sleeping, have you considered the herbal things you can buy, and other things like lavender oil, warm baths, etc etc?

I would still suggest as Idid before that if you don't want to trun up at your Hs work, you employ a private tec. There must be loads in Newcastle.

i'm glad he sent a card. Hang in there BW. One day at a time. (no sleep here either so feel for you)

thank you to everyone. Happy birthday numal's DD.

I had another bad night, one of the worst yet I think. DS came wandering in at 2.50am and I managed to get him back to his bed about half-an-hour later. Then I was just seized by the most terrible panic and need and want for DH to be there then, right that minute. It was awful. I was shaking and sweating. I was terrified.

I woke up again just after 5.00am. I took the dog out feeling still awful, like I was coming down with the flu or smething.

Managed to get the DC out to nursery and school and so on. I am at work now as am off tomorrow and Friday, but I just feel as though I am not coping properly.

He sent DD2 a lovely card, but no present or money or anything. It's as if he knew I would have had that covered.

I am desperately hoping the GP gives me something tomorrow. I am getting worse as time goes on, not better.

Hi BW - Have sent you an email. Thanks for getting in touch !
xx

Happy birthday BW dd2 and Numal's dd

Morning, BW.
Hope you got some rest and hope that your DD has a lovely Birthday.

Good morning BoilerWoman, hope you managed to sleep.

morning - hope you managed to get some peace with your sleep tonight.

Jiggly in answer to your question - no h was not running up huge bills before i found out - hotel bills etc went onto expenses!!!
However when i found out and he couldnt handle it all - he did move pretty fast and found himself a flat to rent. Fortunately money has never been an issue and he had just had a rather large bonus - but it was still unfair as it was money that legally belonged to both of us. Had we not had the 'spare' cash things could have turned really nasty wrt money. I also think the ow had her eye on it too - h said she was wanting to plan lots of trips away with all the DCs. And there would have been nothing i could do if the pair of them had spent huge chunks of cash on 'treating' themselves.

Morning BW, just found your new thread.

'Night BW. Hope you get some rest.

LOL at us all ranting about your husband BW! Hopefully you're in bed now.

Hope you get a good night. 'Speak' tomorrow.

everything copycat says. Involve your elder DD's, FIL and others in an evening of food, drink and discussion of the bombshell of the last 6/7weeks.
Try to encourage them to open up to everything that has gone on. Express your anger, grief and devastation.
You may feel that sharing some of your grief is cathartic.

There's one sure way to find him and that's to turn up at his work. He will most likely keep it together in front of everyone, and be civil to you.

However, if he won't talk to you, wouldn't it be satisfying to put all his stuff into a suitcase and a couple of big boxes and drop them off at reception. Tell them that since he's left the family 6 weeks ago, you thought he might like to take a few things with him and since he's refused to tell you where he and the skanky whore are holed up, would they be so kind as to pass on his personal effects and post.

I bet no one at work knows what he's been up to, and I'm pretty confident that they won't approve when the find out. Oooh, I want to slap him !

You could always tell US where he works and we could send a deputation of angry MNers around to sort him out. There'd be a few of us!

BW, I've been following but haven't posted before as have been dealing with an unfair situation myself involving a pathetic man. Your emotions have been very similar to mine, although alot of the time you have seemed stronger than I would have thought it's possible to be.

You really are the best example of what a mother should be, please know that every day of unrelenting pain and anxiety you endure, you and you alone are securing a happier future for yourself in which you will be surrounded and protected by your children and eventually grandchildren and even great grandchildren, by getting through each day you will be so respected by future generations of your family for your selfless nature and unbelievable strength, compared to that, what your h will have is meaningless and utterly empty.

When it hits him(and it most definitely will) what he has done and potentially lost, it will be him waking up in the middle of the night sweating and panicking. Best of all your conscience will be clear and you will know you have done your absolute best for your children in the worst of circumstances, Keep going. I'm near Durham and could do with a meet-up myself, so if you get anything organised please count me in.

bw I'd like to say that he has clearly lost the plot or is in the midst of a breakdown of gargantuan proportions (because I can't for the life of me imagine what would cause a formerly loving devoted Dad and H to desert his family so callously and cruelly; to have an affair maybe, but to run away and hide behind a turned off phone ... no way) but the fact that he has organised a card for DD2 smacks more of sane calculation and planning. I'm pleased for DD of course.

You are so right. It is unfair and selfish to the extreme that he can leave you to care for his precious children having wounded you so grieviously. Truly the man must have no conscience. I only hope that he is being ravaged by guilt and has no peace. There is no way to understand his actions bw and you will drive yourself mad going over and over everything for a reason.

Please concentrate instead on drawing together with your DC and encouraging open conversations about how you are all feeling and coping. You all need to reassure each other that no one is at fault and sadness shouldn't be bottled up, and that whether Dad is there or not you will be.

Please don't drift in pain from one day to another ... waiting. Plan some action of your own so that you feel you have control and power over your family, not that he has taken everything away from you.

Make arrangements to meet other MNetters. Go and see a Solicitor. Pack up his clothes so that he can see (when he eventually crawls back with his tail between his legs) you don't want him taking up space in your life anymore. Paint the bathroom. Plan a trip out with the children on Saturday; swimming, park, indoor ballroom. They will enjoy the treat. Ask DD1 and her DP to join you all or to come to dinner Saturday evening. Whilst you are at it, invite Fil too! I know you are exhausted but it will help more than hanging around the house all day on Saturday.

Sermon over now. I'll just stick to praying for you in the future

I do hope that you find that a little flame of hope is flickering inside you bw. You will be happy again and you can rest at night knowing that you have peace of mind and there is no way in the world that he ever will again.

Yes if you had any spare cash PIs can excel in this line of work.

Normally that would sound over dramatic, but in this case I think it's bloody justified! How fucking dare he not be contactable, when he has five children and a wife??

I just keep coming back to that. It's inexcusable. I agree with MrsBoogie - I would definitely be forcing his hand by turning up at his work. Whilst there, I would also demand an address to serve divorce papers to really put the shits up him

BW says- the only ways I can think of to find where he is are (a) for him to tell me, but he won't answer his phone (b) through work. But they think he is here, this is the only address they have for him. How can he have left me if he still uses this address??"

employ a private detective agency- they should track him down pronto!

happywoman - was your h doing that before you found out? If so has he given any indication as to how he was justifying his behaviour to himself?

But BW - do you know for a fact that they don't know where he is? You haven't asked have you?

Even if they don't know he has moved out it makes no difference - not if you tell him you will turn up there and tell them that he has gone mad and run off with some old slapper.

You don't have to carry it out - just tell him you will be at his work next week if he doesn't give you his address and a phone number he can be contacted on by his children and if you don't get this be there waiting outside when he turns up. What have you got to lose?

He should not be allowed to treat you and his children as if you don't exist any longer. He has had his chance and he blew it. Don't sit back and take any more crap. It is outrageous.

Until they go for settlement of the finances they are considered joint.

My stupid twat at the time spent loads on getting himself a flat and setting up - however he was pretty useless and didnt pay a single bill. I was told that i was as liable as he was even though i could prove i never lived there. And i had to really fight to make sure that it was not my name that got blacklisted. (we have the same initial so it is a bit more complicated).
Fortunately my h came to his senses and I managed a lot of shopping trips on the guilt. But he really had wasted a fair amount of money.

oops that should read not in so much limbo.

happywoman - your post is spot on. You can't rely on him to come forward and take responsibility so perhaps you should focus on facing him and demanding this. Have you given any serious thought to confronting him at work? That way if you know when he is next in work you are back in control and in so much limbo waiting for him to contact you iyswim?

Dont be jealous of her BW - if you really wanted to you could do that - you have just choosen not too - and in fact i actually think that reading bedtime stories if a far better way to spend the evening.
Sex is nice but it is not the basis for a lifetime relationship. They both know that and we all do too.
She will never have what you had.And she can never replace all the memories that you two share. It may be painful for you to think of but it will be even more painful for her to think of it.

One of the things that kept me going is the fact that the ow always knew my h was a liar and was prepared to put up with it - at least i can say i didnt know what a liar he was.

The whole of their affair is based on lies and she knows that - what woman would really want that?

You are right, he would not have been able to cope if the boot had been on the other foot.
Take some comfort in your courage and bravery
Try not to think of him with the trollop.
He is probably feeling terrible. You cannot be a faithful husband and an adoring dad for twenty plus years and then just bugger off and have a fun time. I have said before, you BW are going to come out of this in better shape than your H.Bide your time.

BW, it's interesting to me that he has chosen to do this now, now that you have moved from being a lawyer to a secretary. How did he feel about that move? I wonder whether he has always been a bit lazy and willing to live off you as the breadwinner, but you have been too decent and busy working to see it. Clutching at straws probably, but I have wondered a couple of times.

Happywoman I am really shocked by what you say above - I didn't realise he could run up debt to be paid off by BW.

BW how does what Happywoman says make you feel? do you think you will file for divorce? might be worth it to protect your family, you can always stop the process if necessary.

the only ways I can think of to find where he is are (a) for him to tell me, but he won't answer his phone (b) through work. But they think he is here, this is the only address they have for him. How can he have left me if he still uses this address??

I am okay as long as I don't think. When I do think, I am insanely jealous of the blow job queen. I go to bed and wake up panicking while he goes to bed with his arms around her. I look after his children and read them bedtime stories and make them hot cholocate while he is getting serviced.

I just so hope I can get something from the GP. Something to knock me out cold for twelve hours so I don't have to think.

I just can't believe he could do this and not know how it would affect me. If I'd done it he would have broken down within the week.

BW - it is not fair - i feel so cross for you. When you do find where he is please give us his phone number so we can all give him hell too.

Your time will come though and he will see you happy again - and even though you dont believe it at the moment you actually wont care either way. There will be happiness in your life again with or without him - please believe me on this one.

I think it is becoming quite urgent that you find where he is and make him take some responsibility for his children. Get angry and use that. Tell him that you are not doing well and that you are going to involve social services unless he gives you some help.

I worry too that you do seem to be working very hard - if you are the main wage earner you do need to protect yourself - as any debts he runs up with her you will both be liable for until divorce settlement. Dont want to scare you but would hate to think that you will have to pay half of whatever he is giving her at the moment.

And how are you getting on with letting people help you in RL?

It is the injustice of it that compounds your anger. He does a runner ,yet you are the one who has to make everything alright for your DC. At the same time, you have had your own world turned upside down..

It is almost an impossible task. Yet you have been able to reach inside yourself and have become the the strongest, bravest mum. Your time will come believe me when he realizes what he has lost. In the meanwhile, keep moving forward doing what you can to look after your DC and yourself.
Happy Birthday to your Daughter and to mine for tomorrow.
Stay strong.

So its time to get angry BW!! Get angry and stay angry! It is not impossible to find out where he is hiding out with the old boiler.

He will be turning his phone on when he gets a chance and checking his messages, I'll bet you. Just because he isn't replying doesn't mean he hasn't seen your message. Tell him you will go to his boss if he doesn't get in touch.

Don't wait until there is an emergency situation - he has had long enough gone to ground.

He's such a worthless shit, leaving everything to you while swanning around.

Just to let you know, the letter they send to the old address when post is redirected will not necessarily contain the forwarding address. When you fill in the form, there is a box to tick to say you don't want your new address printed on the security letter. He might forget to tick it, so worth a try, but definitely wouldn't count on it as a method of finding out his new address.

I did advocate telling him you'd bin his post if he doesn't sort out a redirection (to ensure he does it), BUT as others have said, would be better to use it to your advantage if there's a way of doing that.

BW, OK, so at least he has remembered your DD's birthday.
Really, stop expecting anything of him, he isn't the man who you married, it will be easier if you just start thinking of you and your DC.
You don't need him, you can lug a boiler and
hold down a job as well as keep a home lovely and look after your DC, you are amazing.
He is not worthy of you, not in the least.

oh BW I feel so cross on your behalf. In one sense it is good that he has remembered her birthday (I guess for her sake) but as you said 7 hours for his own children is terrible.

Can you tell if it was sent locally and what date it was sent?

well I was wrong because there is a card for DD2 from him. Stupidly, that makes it worse because I know he isn't in a ditch somewhere but instead he is halfway through two weeks off work with that thing. He came to see his children for approximately 7 hours on one of those days off. The rest of the time DS has been in nursery, when he could have been with his dad. I have been run ragged getting DS to nursery, DD4 to school, the others up and fed and watered and out the door and seeing to everything else and he presumably has been lying in bed til whatever time he chooses to get up.

I want to lie in bed. I want a holiday. It is so unfair and he is making me so unhappy. I don't know how I am getting up each morning and making it through another day, I really don't. I never did anything to deserve this. I only ever loved him and look at where it has got me.

Hope you get some rest tonight, and Happy Birthday to your DD.

He really is a toad.

How are you doing BW? Have huge food order to put away and DC1 still to get to bed, but will call back later.

Hope things are OK tonight BW.

I suppose the best way it to expect nothing from him. That way, you will not be disappointed with his failures to make contact or act like a decent human being

If / when you file for divorce you can set demands that you can legally expect him to fulfil...

Happy birthday to your DD

Just joining the new thread

I would open his mail.

The best thing for me is that my h first name begins with S so if the mail said Mr S XX i or course thought is said Mrs XX.

I would also recommend the curling up under a duvet.

Hopefully will be back later but do have another busy night ahead myself.

Good point about tracking his movements through credit card/bank statements.

BTW I think we were all advising taking his mail to his place of work, not just dumping, I know that that is illegal

Would it be legal for BW to open stuff now seeing as he is AWOL?

This might be useful too Dealing with panic attacks.

BW it really does sound like you are experiencing panic attacks. The doc can give you drugs to help, but I would also recommend finding a counsellor or psychotherapist to help you through this tough time. Perhaps the GP can recommend one?

Here's an idea, if you're still getting credit card statements etc, you could probably track his movements from that. If you've had a really recent one it might tell you if he's left the country, or recently bought a holiday.

I would advise against dumping mail, and start looking through it for useful information in case you need evidence during the legal aspects of the split. If/when it gets to that point. I think I remember my (lawyer) stepmother mentioning that it is legal to open your husband's mail...

Hope you have a good evening, BW.
We are all here for you and I second (third?) the Kalms/Rescue Remedy tip.

Remember that you are the strong one, you are the one looking after your DC, looking after your home and working. He is the pitiful coward who has walked away from his responsibilities.

Bin/Charity shop his clothes, I agree, make plans for some redecorating or a trip with the DC's at the weekend, plan a new border in your garden, anything that floats your boat. Something to look forward to and something nice that is your choice.

oh dear, your poor spelling is evidently contagious

NQG you beat me to it! bw please stop and buy some Rescue Remedy or Kalms on your way home. Are you managing to eat at the moment - you need the energy whilst you are not sleeping well.

Thinking of you. I will be around later on. In the meantime play some nice music in the car and try to think about something practical that you can do. Even if it's writing a shopping list for Sainsburys or what colour to pain the bathroom or which charity shop to take H's clothes too

He will text her, not write.

You must be exhausted. Can you pick up some rescue remedy for yourself from Boots or a health food shop, on the way home? I'd forgotten how good that is, for calming panic attacks. You can also achieve a lot, by sitting in a comfy chair, or lying under a duvet, at home, closing your eyes and breathing in slowly and deeply, counting in-2-3-4-5, out-2-3-4-5. Do it ten times over, and try to imagine yourself somewhere where you really love to be: in a deep warm bubble bath/on a beach etc Your body is producing too much adrenaline, and you need to try persuade it to switch off regularly. Try to stay off caffine/fizzy drinks too, whilst you are feeling like this.

Then do get yourself back on here. There will be lots of MNetters around to speak to later on.

Thinking of you.

Nearly there BW. We'll be here later.

I am still at work and not doing very wel. I wish it was 5.30pm so I could run away home. DDs 2 and 3 are home from school now and will have seen the post and neither has texted me to say there is a card for DD2 from her dad. I can't believe it.

I will be back once DD4 and DS are in bed. I have a feeling it will be a long night. Hopefully there will be lots of you around, hopefully..

Oh when does this start not to hurt so much?

sorry yr feeling shakey BW.

I would sign dd's card just from you. I agree 17 is too old for you to be pretending everything is ok. She knows it's not.

Are you doing anything nice for her birthday?

Brilliant and very cunning idea LTJ.

Would need to be accompanied by BW telling him that she will not receive any of his mail anymore, otherwise I don't think he would fill one in - it would be too permanent for him.

brilliant.

BW the gp may want to prescribe ADs - they work for panic attacks too. You dont have to take them but if you do decide to they do work and you feel a sense of calm.

Rescue remedy is good too and acts quickly. I have also uses kalms and quiet night which takes the edge off things a bit too.

You are doing so well - i think he must be feeling very guilty for what he has done and cant face you yet - and i bet ow is busy making him feel cared for - it will soon wear off though and she will want the man she first knew him to be not this weak pathetic man he has become.

Here's a cunning thought... Send him, via his work, a Royal Mail redirection form. Once he's filled it in, Royal Mail always send a copy of the form to the old address as a security measure. With both new and old addresses in it. You'll know where he is...

<LTJ polishes fingernails on lapel at her own sneakiness>

PirateRoberts - I think that is a great idea - would put BW in control and give him a damn good shock.

Can't believe he hasn't even called to see how DS1 is.

Link to old thread link here

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.