Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

Stop messaging him. That is one of the hard bits but for your sanity you must. Unless it's to discuss custody/financial arrangements for the kids in which case an email address might be best.

It's only been two weeks and you have two kids so you haven't had proper time to grieve this relationship.

Is there any chance someone could help you out with the kids for a bit?
Best of luck this sounds terrible

Sounds absolutely horrendous. Keep the text that says he's doing this
Don't beg him to stay. He's an arsehole.
Let him know he still has financial responsibility for the dc.
Do you have a mortgage or rent?
Get a new number and only message him from that or use one of the parent contact apps and delete his number?

I live in New Zealand and would be happy to pop over to his house to leave a burning bag of dog poo on his front step on your behalf.

Oh love, how horrendous for you and the children. You'll still be in acute shock and the very early stages of grief for your marriage.

Are you having any therapy? If you're able, I'd schedule some sessions (every couple of days if needs be) to provide some emotional scaffolding to get you through this intensely traumatic period. I'd look into it for the kids too (either alone or as a family unit with the three of you).

Then, once the fog has cleared a little, you can start taking legal advice on next steps.

Be really kind to yourself, and as practical as you can be. Try and find small treats to distract yourself. In six months this will look very different, but for now it's one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

I can help with that.

I am so sorry OP, that is a dreadful thing to do.

@FiveShelties and @CheekyHobson I found this on our gov website https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad which means @Cleme you can seek for him to have enforced maintenance paid to the dc? Is this correct do you think?

What an utter fucker, he kept you in the dark while he planned his new life which means while he’s moved on mentally he has not given you any opportunity to do so.

It’s all so raw and new for you but you need to stop messaging him, lean on your friends and family. Get practical, firstly remove your share from the joint bank accounts into your own, do it now as you’re going to need it. Best of luck OP

You need to speak to a solicitor.

What an utter knob.

What a fucking horrible man he is.

Fuck him.

Don't beg for him back, cause what he's done will imprint on your children too. He isn't worthy of your love at all.

When he comes crawling back please don't accept him

What an absolutely disgusting person he is.

Does he show any remorse? Has he left you with enough money etc? I'd focus on that to start with.

Then yes therapy for yourself & your children.

Oh @Cleme , I’m so so sorry. What an utter bastard. Do you have plenty of support??

@DoreenonTill8 I would think it is possible, but not sure how easy it would be. There are many cases where partners move to Oz to escape paying, and also becoming self employed to avoid payments. There was supposed to be legislation here to stop partners not paying but I don't think it has been very effective.

Thank you x Yes, it is traumatic - the way he did it is inhuman.

I know I have to stop messaging him. It is hard because he was the person who I always turned to!

He says he is paying the mortgage.

I think you are right about the whole thing about not having chance to grieve. He has had months to detach.

I will add that at the beginning of August he fell off a rope swing in the woods when he took the children out for a walk. He cracked 4 ribs and had a brain haemmorage. He was in hopsital 4 days. When he came out I looked after him every day. And juggled a part-time job and looked after the kids. A month later h went.

Of course the other woman is 10 years younger. She also has two teenage children. They bonded online because he helped her to not commit suicide!
In normal times he would not have touched her with a bargepole. I add that apart from my mad messaging I am a very calm, positive measured person.

But this has just been utter heartbreak.

Yes to the dog poo!

X

Good god. My dad also died of cancer after years of suffering. Oddly I didn't feel the need to dump my family and run off with an internet stranger. What a horrible man.

Pl see a solicitor and a therapist. You won't stop.loving him immediately..But you will eventually recover.

My parents are close by which is good. But they are quite elderly. They already helped out a lot with school etc.

My friends are rallying round.

Thanyou for your wise words all - I think this is knocking a bit of sense into me.

I just don't understand people who do this. I was always constant, whatever the stresses and strains of marriage. We were so close, had so much in common. The heartlessness of it leaves me breathless.

This is one of the worst examples of a shitty human being - and as much as I have huge sympathy for you OP, I think you'll be ok. One day at a time as PP said and you'll realise how much better off you are without that twat in your life.

Your kids on the other hand have been literally dumped without a backward glance by the person who's supposed to love them above all else. That's going to cause some serious mental pain and they're likely to need a lot of support. I'd have counselling for them immediately to help them work through their feelings.

So much love to you all.

I will investiage this. I guess I thought if he is paying mortgage... You are right all - I need to discuss with solicitor.

Just to say that my children, although very wounded, are being brilliant. So supportive of me. Dont wnat contact with him. I am not pushing them to not have contact I would add, but I think they just need some space at the moment and are recognising it.

My daughter was walking with the wellbeing therapy dog at her school. It breaks my heart.

I just understand how he thought this could have an amicable outcome. I really think he thought I would be happy for him and his new career opportunity. That we would be setting up weekly Zoom calls!

I’m sorry for you too. He used you and your help whilst he recovered and didn’t mention anything until you’d helped him through it all the time knowing he’s got a ticket and life planned without you with another woman. What an absolute arse he is.
Dont message him- just cut your losses. Swap that sadness for anger and indignation and it’s easier to deal with.

Definitely take legal advice, what if he stops paying the mortgage? That would definitely be my worry....

Jesus what an absolute shit bag.

I'm so sorry @Cleme . You need to lean on those around you now. Chances are he will come crawling back when things don't work out there, but by that time you will have processed and digested this and see him for what he really is.

A message! What a fkn coward he is.

Is it bad that I hope he falls out of an even bigger tree.

He's probably going to regret it at some point. The best revenge you can give is to succeed. Sort your finances, do cms (if you can) or arrange a maintenance payment. Look to manage independently of him so he can't let you down again. If you can afford to buy him out the house. Do not tell him about your life only discuss the practical and kids.

Enjoy your life , go out with friends, spend time with your kids and maybe d it en the line meet someone who is not a selfish dick.

My cocklord of an ex ran away to Australia (slightly different - I was preggo with twins). He pays maintenance because Australia has something that’s called something like a reciprocal agreement with the CMS. It was actually easier to get maintenance because his visa was at threat if he didn’t pay. Im sure it will be similar with NZ. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You and your kids will be fine though. Get on getting him to pay maintenance, let your friends rally round you and whatever happens, don’t take the shitbag back. Xxxxx

He's a selfish, cruel twat. Please look after yourself and see a solicitor. I hope in the future he has a hideous life in new Zealand and that you and your children flourish.

When you think you've read the worst of what a man can do to his family, this cones along.
Please stop texting him, let him be the one to communicate re his poor kids. Has he even thought of the trauma he has left behind?
I'm so sorry, this is horrific, but try to be strong. Wishing you strength and peace x