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Relationships

Proposal Debacle... am I stupid to feel this upset about the whole thing?

119 replies

gillybeandramaqueen · 12/09/2016 11:50

I will try to keep this concise!

4 year relationship. 2 kids under 3.

Marriage had never ever even been spoken about until:
June this year when we were on holiday and my other half asked me on the last night of our holiday what I would say if he asked me to marry him? There was no ring or anything, I thought we were just chatting about it. Then he told me that this was him proposing. I told him it was a totally out of the blue surprise that he was bringing it up and that we should chat about it properly when we got home from our holiday.

5 days later was my birthday at home. I could tell he was trying to build up to something as he had asked me to buy a bottle of something at the supermarket. Our young kids were in the throes of bedtime havoc so nothing happened.

Then, he presented me with a card and a jewellery gift bag saying to me 'there's your birthday present' and that was it. There was no flowers or anything like that, nothing else, no 'To Mummy' birthday cards or any token things from our kids.

I opened the bag up and much to my surprise there was a ring in it - a yellow gold diamond ring. I was totally surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all but also because I have always only worn silver jewellery.

Anyway. I said thank you to him and about what a surprise it was. I asked him if he would mind if we took it to the shop to exchange it for a silver-toned ring. He was absolutely fine with that. All he really said was that he didn't want a big fancy expensive wedding. I was fine with that as I would much prefer for any money that we had to be put towards a bought home.

All in all the whole engagement/birthday was pretty unromantic but it was fine. I was fine with it.

Two days later we went to the shop. I discovered that the ring had cost him £200. I was quite surprised. I am not materialistic but he earns around £600 per week so it seemed a strange choice by him. The problem was that there was very little alternative rings at that budget in white gold.

Anyway the upshot of it was I got a beautiful ring which he was also pleased with that cost £1500. It was a happier day nothing to do with the cost of the ring but it was a really beautiful ring and everything seemed a lot more personal and lovely.

So that was it for two whole months. Not one discussion followed about anything to do with engagement, marriage, weddings or anything. I thought that was part of the fun of engagement... that the couple would at the very minimum have a wee chat about when they might tie the know, how it might be done, at home, friends, family, exotic beach... but not one discussion. Since he was the one who brought up the proposal for the very first time in our 4 year/2 kid relationship... I assumed that he had given it even just a wee bit of though. One evening, I brought it up, 2 months after we got the ring. When I asked him when he was thinking he might like to get married and how, he said he didn't know, maybe in about three years time. I thought to myself why would we be waiting such a long time if we weren't going to have to save for a big lavish affair? He said he hadn't really given any of it any thought... and he basically told me I was 'bursting his nut' about it. Anyway, I was very upset at this and felt like the whole thing was very half-hearted on his part.

So I gave him the ring back. And I asked him to give it back to me one day once he had given it proper and serious consideration... you know, the whole thing. I felt really hurt and upset by the fact that HE had brought the whole issue up for the very first time but that when I brought it up 2 months later just casually to chat about it... he seemed reluctant. All he said was that he had asked me because he loved me and wanted to prove his commitment to me. But I just feel like, well, he wants to show his commitment to me but not for about another 3 years?! So why the hell did he propose to me? Why did we get engaged? What was the point?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I reading too much into it.

It's been 4 months since his proposal and it's been 2 months since I returned the ring to him. He's still paying it up and it's sitting in it's box in his sock drawer.

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

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NotTheFordType · 12/09/2016 11:56

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

Well, you've cut your nose off to spite your face, haven't you? You demanded a ludicrously expensive ring, then rather than finding a compromise on a wedding date, you decided to throw it back in his face.

Getting married isn't about an expensive ring or a wedding. It's about being a team. Sounds like he understands that, but you don't.