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Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

(539 Posts)
PinkyofPie Wed 10-Aug-16 00:09:12

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" hmm yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have" confused

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

Genvonklinkerhoffen Wed 10-Aug-16 00:14:24

Wel, my mother is an alcoholic so I'm in. Sort of bumping OP, but I know it's a different issue sad

wheresmybloodygreencard Wed 10-Aug-16 00:17:01

me too genvonklinkerhoffen. Different issue Op, but rest assured you are not the only one who doesn't say 'my mum is my best friend!'

Just5minswithDacre Wed 10-Aug-16 00:19:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause Wed 10-Aug-16 00:20:44

I have a difficult mum. She has HFA, which has only been diagnosed in recent years (she's now in her 70s).

She is very religious. She sees things as very black and white.

She is a good person, but very frustrating to be around.

(So another, different type of difficult mother.)

SylviaFuckingPlath Wed 10-Aug-16 00:20:48

flowers i completely understand. My mum does the 'telling people we are so close' thing too. Makes me really angry. If she pulled her head outof her arse and stopped living in her dramatic fantasy world, maybe we would be.

She lies about everything - she's dying, she's inherited a house, etc. If she knows that something hurts my feelings, she'll be sure to bring it up the next 27 times I see her. And she thinks she does it in a clever, subtle way but she's utterly transparent.

Eurgh. Exhausting isn't it?

Has your mum always been like it OP? Incidentally, how were you as a teenager? I've always felt guilty for being an evil teen but the older I get, the more I realise that it's the reaction that my mum brings out in me. If I see her for two hours even now I get serious rage!

flamingnoravera Wed 10-Aug-16 00:25:46

I can't bear mine either. I don't want to hurt her but I would like her to understand that when you bring your child up in fear you end up with an adult child who avoids you.

Mine just didn't get the idea that I was her daughter not just another kid at school (she was a head teacher). She's nearly 80 now and still has to be right, asks closed questions to which he answer has always to be 'yes' and has now developed passive aggressive techniques to scare me into submission instead of telling me that I am a horrible, lying toad or a slut or a lazy good for nothing madam. I am an only child and my soft old dad is long dead, I dread phone calls or visits and see her as infrequently as I can get away with. She is hurt by my avoidance but try as I have, I cannot find a way to like her.

OP Yours sounds even worse, you have my sympathy and total understanding of that envy of others who like and get on with their mothers.

RainIsAGoodThing Wed 10-Aug-16 00:32:42

Checking in. I love my mum, I'd love to have a close, healthy relationship with her. I just can't, because of who she is.

bobsleighteam Wed 10-Aug-16 00:35:53

Yup I'm in too, had a year of nc. It was lovely. Now back in touch, I'm already thinking I'll end up regretting the decision but it's so difficult. Your not alone.

StrawberryTot Wed 10-Aug-16 00:36:42

I'm in, I have a very bumpy relationship with my bipolar alcoholic mother.

Fuzzywuzzywasabear Wed 10-Aug-16 00:47:45

My mum makes out we're so close as well I have horrible pictures from my wedding day where we're posed laughing like the perfect mother daughter, it's all fake.

Currently NC but baby due any day now, PFB and PFGC so expecting it all to kick off when she wants to be seen as the perfect doting grandmother sad

gleam Wed 10-Aug-16 01:02:44

I'm in. Last saw my mother at Christmas.

JT05 Wed 10-Aug-16 01:11:46

Me too. She's gone now, but I was never good enough. Everything she ever did for me was only show, so that other people thought she was wonderful. But behind closed doors.........

I mourn not having a proper mother and hope that I have been one to my children.

Helleborusorientalis Wed 10-Aug-16 01:12:25

I'm in. It's taken me 40 years to realise that I'm probably not the one with the problem (except lots of FOG and anxiety and rage when I have to spend time in the bloody woman's company listening to her poisonous bitchy chattering).

Fuzzywuzzy - snap, both on the wedding photo and the baby/doting grandmother act. Eurgh.

CatsGoPurrrr Wed 10-Aug-16 06:48:47

I feel really bad posting here.

My mum and dad had very difficult childhoods and they wanted to do better for me and my sister, I understand that.

I was told my whole childhood how lucky I was and how grateful I should be. It's only as I've had my own dc and look back that I realise how not-good things were. .

She flat out denies some of the things that happened. Minimises others. Changes the subject or says how things were 'different' then.

I know that my mum loves me, but it's hard for me not to be angry or resentful. I don't see her that much tbh.

pauldacreshairlessnutsack Wed 10-Aug-16 06:57:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fishybits Wed 10-Aug-16 06:59:38

Me too.

My Mother still treats me as the angry teenager I once was. The fact she caused the anger hasn't registered, apparently I shouldn't have got upset at being told aged 12 "you weren't wanted and I didn't love you" because that's how she felt and it's good to tell people how you feel hmm

There's much more to this but basically if it wasn't for my DD then I would go NC but she was a good Mother to my siblings whom she adores and is a great Grandmother to DD.

Comfortzone Wed 10-Aug-16 07:18:36

Putting in place boundaries really is key - according to therapy I've had anyhow I am allowed to go low contact to avoid DM games and manipulation so I can live an anxiety free life. However it takes time - it has taken me one year to effectively put in place a guilt free boundary so that I can raise my kids from a happy place without her toxic intervention. I still get bad flashbacks to how it was back then, perhaps as a gentle reminder that my life deserves to be better. So that is my priority. Being strong, having daily mantras and even simply telling yourself often that you are good enough and are doing well in life inspite of the past upbringing does help too.

Penfold007 Wed 10-Aug-16 07:32:26

I'm in, my mother is a classic narc and very toxic. Learning about FOG has been very helpful. Currently having massive problems as she is refusing care package for my dad.

YellowPrimula Wed 10-Aug-16 07:36:13

Yes me too , had 10 years of NC best years but due to her being widowed and my only sibling living overseas now in contact again. I dislike her intensely and worse is the anxiety she induces in me , I am 51 but live in constant fear of her tantrums and moods.She has my sibling wrapped around her finger so now dread contact with them too 🙁

THirdEeye Wed 10-Aug-16 08:13:21

>raises hand<

Been LC for two years.

I do have some fond memories as a young child, however this changed the older I got.

She used guilt trips, emotional blackmail to control situations/me. If I did something that she didn't like, she would make me feel bad about myself.
I was regularly told I was loved but not liked.

After having therapy, I have learnt that she did not love me unconditionally and that due to her own awful experiences as a child that emotionally she still is a child. This, really explained that when we argued (I would often explode after being emotionally prodded), that she would have to win, would point score etc. It also explained, why I used to avoid seeing her or sharing some quite sensitive things in my life.

SnortGruntFart Wed 10-Aug-16 08:13:38

I'm in too. My mum likes the idea of a 'picture perfect' family to outsiders, and does everything she can to make things look that way, yet when dad died just over 9 weeks ago, she blatantly ignored me at the funeral, went round hugging my brothers, uncles, aunts and walked straight past me.

When dad was alive, I asked him if there "was something up with mum as she seems very off with me". Dad reckoned that she was very cold because I wasn't and never would be the little prim and proper 'lady' that she could dress up in nice clothes, rather than the practical sports/rock concert attire I'm used to wearing for doing different jobs around the house/walking dogs etc.

Mum expects me to phone her as she 'doesn't phone anyone'. This is rubbish as she spends at least 1/2hr on the blower to her DB's and DSis's, yet she can't even lift the phone and ring her GC. AFAIC, if she isn't going to make the effort to keep in contact, then neither am I. A simple case of treating people like they treat me. Basically I'm reflecting back (mirroring) how I'm being treated by mum, and she doesn't like it one bit because she has to face and acknowledge how she's behaving.

MrsSchadenfreude Wed 10-Aug-16 08:20:16

Checks in...

My mother never phones me, but calls my cousin all the time. Because my cousin is apparently "the daughter she never had..."

ShyTallSun Wed 10-Aug-16 08:34:28

I'm in too. My mother is wretched. Haven't see her in over 2 years. I moved last year and haven't told her and she's never met DS2. Have occasional thoughts of getting in touch but then I can't be arsed to deal with the shit storm fallout. My DCs are better off without her influence though I do wonder how to explain this to them when they are older......assuming they ask!

LonelyLost Wed 10-Aug-16 08:34:55

count me in too. I cant even start to write about my mother during my childhood / growing up/ now. I can't because I don't know where to start! It's taken me a long time (I'm 60) to realise that it wasn't me, it was her. But still I feel guilty, as though I should have done more, been a different person, expected less - then we might have had a proper mum-daughter relationship.

I've waited all my life for my mother to say she was proud of me and that she loved me. It's never happened

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