Really struggling with DH and new DD

[clearinghouse]

I've been writing this post in my head all night and I think I just need to get it out there. I don't know what I'm looking for but hopefully not just cries of LTB because it's honestly not that simple.

DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 2. Not always the easiest relationship but I love him dearly. We've bickered in the past but nothing serious, no abuse, no infidelity. Generally happy.

TTC for a while and then DD came along. She's 3 weeks old now. Throughout my pregnancy he was so excited and full of promises to help, be hands on etc. That hasn't happened though. I'm exhausted as I'm doing all night feeds and he went back to work the day after she was born. He works 7 days most weeks and I rarely see him.

Wednesday night I was cracking up. So tired, haven't had more than an hour of uninterrupted sleep in 3 weeks. I have no family to help and in laws aren't helpful. They see DD as a trophy for their family and won't help me at all. They say she looks nothing like me and like she isn't mine. I sat in tears and DH agreed to watch her so I could sleep for an hour.

It helped and I made it through the night. Yesterday evening DH came home and after he'd eaten (still expects me to cook) I asked him to do the same. He refused. He said he doesn't want to get into a routine where he has to have her every night, I'm her mom, it's my job, I wanted a baby. Told me to pull myself together and deal with it.

I tried to explain why he should want to watch her. Tried to explain how tired I am. He didn't care. Just cares about having time to himself. So I took DD up to feed her and he angrily followed and took over from me. Told me I'm a bad mother and I can't get her to sleep. Told me to get out of her room. He said his family have no respect for me and they want to take DD away from me.

DD is fed, warm, safe and happy. I cuddle her all day and play with her, we walk in the fresh air and her HV is very happy with things. I don't know why he says I'm not doing well.

I get that I'm rambling here, sorry. Last night I went to lie down for an hour before he came in and told me he was going to bed. Sat up all night in tears again trying to settle DD. Told DH I'm not happy with him and he told me to fuck off. There's no affection there.

So how can I make him see that we're meant to be doing this together? I can't afford to leave and it's his house. I'm not on the mortgage or the deeds. I have debt, wouldn't get a mortgage myself. No savings and I'm skipping meals to make sure DD has everything she needs. DH is a high earner.

I'm just so lonely right now. I feel like everything is against me.

[Cabrinha]

If you're skipping meals to afford things for your child (which can only be nappies and maybe formula, so really a pittance) and he's a high earner then you are clearly being financially abused.

Talk to Women's Aid, urgently.

[Cabrinha]

What's your own mum like? It's not at all unusual for new mums to have family help - he wouldn't be able to stop you picking up and going back to your family "temporarily".

[dabchick88]

Just read this and although can't think of any good advice for you I just wanted to say I think you sound like a wonderful mother and you are doing so well. Those early weeks are incredibly hard even with support so just the fact your daughter is doing well and you are holding things together is amazing! Your DH is obviously not in the right here and I hope others have some helpful advice, sometimes Dads find it hard to adjust but that is no excuse for the things he has said to you. Do you have any friends locally who you could meet for a cuppa and a hug?! Hope things improve soon and remember you are doing great xx

[maybebabybee]

Op this is awful. I'm sorry but he is being abusive. I second talking to women's aid.

You can't "make him" see anything unfortunately. He is choosing to behave this way.

[summerwinterton]

He sounds vile, as do his family.

I agree that you need WA urgently. And the thought that you are skipping meals at a time when you need to be looked after yourself, well I could weep for you for that alone.

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

DH is a high earner and you're skipping meals? That is abuse in itself. His family sounds toxic and weird (are their cultural/religious aspects to it?) The first weeks of having a baby are hard on both of you but that's when you need to support each other, which he is clearly not doing. He is making it very clear that these are his expectations of what your role is.

Given that you are married, the starting point is 50/50 split. You'd probably be better off than you are now.

[Fairylea]

This is abuse. Contact women's aid. He is financially and emotionally abusing you. I am sorry. Don't let him mind trip you into thinking you're a bad mum or that his family would somehow get your dd, you're a fantastic mum.

[clearinghouse]

My mom isn't well at all and lives a couple of hours away. She'd help if she could but she's just not in a position to.

I told him I wanted to go and stay there last night and he said he'd phone social services.

He was nice to me this morning and I can't even look at him.

[kittybiscuits]

I am so sorry for you. If you are married, it's not his house. He is abusive and so are his family. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job of being a mum in really awful circumstances. Please talk to your HV about getting some help. But it's not you, it's him.

[Standingonmytippytoes]

This needs to change. Why are you skipping meals why don't you go to your H and say this isn't on I need help supporting our DD.

[kittybiscuits]

What would he say to social services? 'I won't help my wife with our baby so she's gone to her Mum's for the night'. What an idiot.

[Fairylea]

He is threatening to phone social services because you wanted to go and stay with your mum? You have to call him at his own bluff. He's being totally abusive and controlling.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Speak to WA and your HV urgently, He is a wanker. I am sorry, you must be at your wits end.

[Oswin]

Oh god op, this is one of the saddest things I've ever read here.
He really is awful.
There is help out there. Please give woman's aid a call.
He's a high earner yet your missing meals.
He is an abuser.
I'm so sorry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It is that simple.

He and in turn his family of origin are abusive; the rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree.

Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; you are being emotionally and financially abused here. You will never get him to see your own very reasonable point of view; he is not made that way and his family see your child as their trophy grandchild to parade around. This is not the environment your DD should be brought up in.

You and he need to be apart now.

[Oswin]

Oh yes if you do find the strength to leave this fucker, that house is yours too OP.
You would also receive a good chunk of maintenance seeing as he's a high earner.
You could receive income support and tax credits.
Frankly you would be much better off.

[Minniemagoo]

At a time when you should be a team the most he is emotionally and financially abusing you. You are married so there is no 'his house, his money', You and your baby deserve and are entitled to better. Being nice to you this morning is part of the abuse, keep you waivering and stopping you seeing him for the bully he is. Please contact women's aid.

[clearinghouse]

His family are very traditional. Men work, women stay at home and look after the children and house. That's not me though! I have a job, not a high paying one but it's a job. On mat leave right now though of course.

If I ask him for money or for something DD needs he'll find some way not to help. Tells me she doesn't need it and I have to buy things myself. She's not going without though! She's fed and has everything she needs. My wages go on her and bills so I have nothing to spare for myself.

I'm just disappointed I think. I love DH very much and up until three weeks ago we were so close.

[Fishface77]

Op. You might not want to hear LTB but he's abusive. Financially and verbally.
I think many women are so "grateful" that there's no physical abuse that they downplay the other kinds of abuse that there are.
Speak to your HV, speak to your GP and speak to women's aid.

[fuzzywuzzy]

What you do is, today you go to see a solicitor in your area. You tell him what is happening.

You tell your HV what is happening

You tell your gp what is happening.

Speak to womens aid.

Are you married because you will get a lot more than nothing if you leave.

Also call up CMS and ask them what you'd get, you would not be skipping meals to care for your DD if he were paying child maintenance.

Speak to CAB to see what benefits you'd get.

And you are not a bad mother. You are a new mother who is being forced to go without meals and sleep, you are a really amazing mum.

You 'D'H is abusive, financial and verbally and mentally.

Do whatever is easiest for you, but rally round friends and tell family and at least your HV what is happening. Call womens aid and speak to them for advice.

You husband is not a nice man at all.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

His threat to call Social services is basically one of his many attempts to keep you in line. This is all about power and control; he wants absolute over you.

You and he really do need to be apart, he is simply dragging you down with him and he will take your child down with him as well if you were to remain with him.

[Fishface77]

And he's your husband? I would seek legal advice re what you would be entitled to. Life's too short to put up with a cuntroller.

[OhShutUpThomas]

He sounds awful.

Just think, if you leave him, not only would you get a good chunk of his wage, he'd also have to actually look after his own child regularly. Now there's an idea..!

I'd stop cooking for him, stop doing anything for him, and insist he gives you enough money so you can eat, and tell him he's bringing NOTHING to the party so if he's not going to shape up he can fuck off.

Congratulations on your baby

[kittybiscuits]

I know it's a lock to take in clearinghouse but people are shocked by your awful situation. It really is terrible. You are just brilliant for holding it together so far.

[wannaBe]

Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong, the early days are bloody hard even when you have support, so doing it alone in the face of criticisms from the one person who is supposed to have your back is never going to be easy.

Your number one priorities are yourself and your DD, these are joint but tbh your own health is paramount here because if you are not healthy then you can't look after your dd.

Skipping meals isn't an option. If you're BF then you need to be able to eat. So, make sure you're eating properly. Something for breakfast, scrambled eggs/toast/cereal etc. Sandwich for lunch - you presumably have bread etc in the house? And make sure you eat decently at dinner time. Do you have access to a joint account? If so do an online shop and pay for it with the joint account. Or get your hands on DH's debit card and use that. Yes. I would do exactly that.

Secondly, and this is a cliche I know, but nap when the baby naps. Screw the housework for a few days, nobody ever died from living in a house that hadn't been hoovered, but sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture.

And speak to your HV and to women's aid.

His family aren't going to take the baby away from you, so pay no attention to those kinds of comments.

If this is genuinely out of character for him then I would have a discussion with him about where this has suddenly come from. but I would have the discussion once and only once, and after that I would make plans to leave. I know that it isn't easy, but tbh the fact that he owns the house is irrelevant if you are married - it is still an asset of the marriage and you have rights to some of the equity.

Do you have family you could go and stay with? It matters not if they don't live locally.