Partner is moody and I can't really cope anymore

[Cornishrexellie]

I'm divorced and in a newish relationship, have two children with ex husband. New partner for around 20 months, he is moody and they are getting worse. His mood used to last a day, then all forgotten by morning, now they are lasting up to four days. He becomes rude, angry, swears at me and is insulting, moods are sparked off over trivia. For example huge mood for four days because I had fallen asleep watching tv and it was on a channel he didn't like.....mood because I spoke as he was falling asleep and woke him......there has never been any substance to a mood, it's always over petty things. His moods are normally a weekly occurrence
When out of a mood he won't discuss the episode as he says it will put him back in the mood.
I recently paid for a four day city break in a European capital, 5* hotel, just the two of us, he ruined three days in a mood because I asked for a cuddle at bedtime and he wanted to sleep. He wouldn't talk, just wanted to sit in the hotel room. Said he didn't want to come to that particular city in the first place and was ultimately very ungrateful and insulting.
I have a lot of love for this man, but he's grinding me down.
I'm a professional who can't take time off work to sort things out, but I'm looking glum in work and people are asking if I'm okay.

How can I deal with his moods, no matter what I say, it's makes him worse.
Am I flogging a dead horse here??

Plus he leant me £12k to partly buy out my ex husband and every time things are really bad he asks for his 12k back, which I haven got to hand.
I don't want to sell my house to pay him his money back, I'm in a pickle to say the least.

[sunnydee]

God, get rid. Sounds like a total pain.

So far as the money is concerned, is there anything in writing?

[Jan45]

I wouldn't have an ounce of love, there is nothing to love, he sounds thoroughly draining and depressing, I'd be offski asap, what a horrible person and a miserable existence.

[GoatsDoRoam]

He sounds vile.

Don't let the debt keep you in this soul-sucking relationship: is there a bank or other person you could borrow the 12k from in order to cut any remaining ties to this man?

[LineRunner]

Dump him. He sounds utterly draining. Been there, done that.

If you owe him the money, you should repay it. Do it gradually through bank transfers and keep clear records.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Change the locks and tell him to take you to court for the money.

[Sparkletastic]

What were you thinking borrowing that amount of money from him? Either way he seems to resents you and neither of can possibly be happy. Put a debt repayment arrangement in writing and end the relationship.

[Sparkletastic]

Am appalled at suggestions that you don't pay him back.

[BirdhouseInYourSoul]

I would pay him as much as you can in a lump sum now and offer up an affordable repayment plan.

What was discussed at the time he gave it to you regarding repayments?

He sounds like hard work and relationships shouldn't be this hard OP!

[Joysmum]

Pay back what you can. He could take you to small claims court but if you've shown willing and have little money to pay back then chances are you'll be ordered to pay a small set amount each month anyway.

Best to free of someone who sucks the joy from your life.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

For 'moody' read 'miserable'. Why would you waste time on a miserable man? What happens when he's miserable exactly? Do you ignore it or feel obliged to try hard to cheer him up? Because, if it's the latter, that's a fairly standard manipulation tactic.

[Sparkletastic]

Could it be about the money? Was he happy about you booking a 5* city break rather than paying him back some more of what you owe him?

[RoganJosh]

Can you extend your mortgage at all?
My DH or I might get in a mood about the things you'd mentioned, but for maybe 30 seconds. I don't think longer than that is reasonable.
I can't imagine not speaking for four days over anything.
IT's not something you should have to put up with.
Would you treat someone like that?

[PrettyPictures92]

Yy agree with paying him back I'm small affordable amounts if you can (by bank transfer with clear records) and ditch him!

[Cornishrexellie]

When he's in a mood, I try my hardest to bring him round, I apologise even if I've done nothing wrong, I suppose I creep round him to give him what he wants to hear. But if he's not ready to move out of the mood, that's it he's firmly there no matter what I say.
I borrowed the money legally, we have a solicitors letter stating that a sale of my house would give him 12k back
The house is mine, mortgage and bills all in my name.

When he's nice, he lovely and charming, what attracted me to him initially I suppose, but his moods are turning out to be something else.
He once confessed that with his previous partner a mood, with total isolation and not speaking could last up to two weeks!!!!

I'm very chatty and bubbly and I need adult conversation with him, I'm thinking he thrives off knowing this when not talking to me.

[WienerDiva]

Definitely pay him back. Hand write if needed a note to say how much he lent you, how much you have already repaid and what you can pay him back each month. And stick to it.

If he does take you to court, and he's agreed to this, AND you've stuck to it, there's very little they can do.

Get that sorted, then dump him. He sounds like a ball ache.

[WienerDiva]

Sorry cross post. Even if that is the case with the £12k and it's tied up in your house, I'd make steps to repay him monthly.

[Cornishrexellie]

My mortgage is quite large for a single income, yes he contributes but he's not responsible for paying it, so I don't think borrowing more on mortgage is a good idea.

And yes sparkletastic he was happy about the city break, then moaned like crazy about it when we arrived saying how extortionate the prices were, I was like yes, it's known as one the most expensive capital city's in the world. But in all the moaning I thought he was nasty as he hadn't paid for a thing.

I suppose I'm asking do you think things can change or is his behaviour so entrenched that I'll walk on eggshells forever if we stay together??

[Jan45]

so you are nice and normal and he is a man child who enjoys to see you suffer, all this in less than 2 years, wow, you know the right thing to do, it's not hard.

[Shedwood]

Does he pay rent and a share of the bills etc?

Do you have any rooms/ a garage/ parking space you could rent out to make you some money?

Sticking with this man isn't making you happy so you clearly need to think of a way of getting him out of your life without missing the rent (he presumably pays) and paying him back the loan.

Whatever you do though, make sure any agreement is drawn up legally. You don't want to hand money over to him and then have him deny all knowledge of it and still want £12k if you ever sell your house.

[Sparkletastic]

No it doesn't seem likely he will change if he was like this in previous relationship too.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Funky and others who have said don't pay him back or pay him back as much as you can. WTF!!!!!!! The man has been a grumpy twat, and you are basically saying that he deserves to be screwed over.

No, that is plain wrong OP, and I hope you don't need me to tell you that it is an utterly awful idea.

He is draining you. You treat him to a lovely break and he pisses all over it with his moods. He is not going to change. It is early enough in the relationship for you to end it and for it to be relatively painless. As a single mother of small children, I'm guessing you're worried about being lonely and not meeting anyone else. I'm sure you will, but really... Even if you never did, surely that is preferable to a life spent with this kind of person?

[Cornishrexellie]

Shedwood, he contributes towards mortgage and bills and no I can't rent out a room.

I've got some money saved to give him a chunk back, but the rest would need to be in monthly instalments, would a court agree to this! If he took me to court?

Can he force me to sell my house?

[GoogleChick]

Hmm wonder why his previous partner ditched him lol

Seriously though this is the way he is the whole package take it or leave it I'd say! Why would he change? He's just looking for someone to put up with it so you have to decide if that's going to be you. moodiness is very unattractive just keep focused on what he's like then rather than when he's nice. And stop saying sorry, it's his moods not yours!!

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Cornish, next to no chance of my changing. If he was 20, then yes. Much older than that, the chances of change begin to reduce dramatically. If you'd been together twenty years and he was beginning to behave like this, I would urge you to invest your time and energy in to seeing you he can adjust jus behaviour. But after less than 2 years and he's already behaving like this?? Nah, not worth your energy.

[PoppyField]

Hi OP,

Ugh! He sounds like my exH. He will only get worse. Get rid as soon as possible. He is draining the love out of you and doesn't care.

He knows he's 'moody' i.e. grumpy, manipulative shit. He knows it contributed to the demise of his last relationship but seems almost proud of it. What is it with these people?

Good luck.