How long can I stay with her?

[wickedgame]

My wife and I of 4 years have two beautiful girls (6 and 3) and house with mortgage. Found out my wife has fallen out of love with me and desires another man at her work. She won't leave me and the girls, but she doesn't want me to leave as either will hurt and upset the girls. I've been trying hard to make it work for weeks and show her how much I love her and care. I can't do any more, but my wife wants time to see if or how her feelings change. This is really hard for me and my heart is broken. Winning her back could take months, but it seems she's only really interested in sleeping with others and not me. She wants a loveless, fake marriage where we appear normal and play happy families and then both see other people. I can't do this though and need to be loved and desired by one person, who I feel the same about. I don't know how long it can go on like this!? I feel trapped and like I can't do anything. I love al my girls and never want to leave or hurt them. I don't feel like I have much choice though. How long would you give your partner in this situation? If we didn't have the girls I would have walked out on day one...

[Quitelikely]

I would call her bluff. Don't sit around waiting for her to make up her mind. Tell her you want a break from her to give you both the space you need.

Head off to your parents or somewhere for two weeks with minimal contact with your wife so she understands what a separation will feel like.

Sorry you are going through this.

[wickedgame]

Thanks, good advice. The other issue is that she works early mornings so she needs me to get the girls up, fed, dressed and to nursery and school. I guess she'd have to take unpaid leave. It does seem like I'm the one that's going to have to do something. She needs to see how big my balls are! (so to speak)

[ilovelamp82]

If you did seperate then she would need to figure something out for the mornings. So with all due respect, she's put herself in this situation she can deal with the consequences.

Obviously continue to be the best father you can be. She really does want to have her cake and eat it too doesn't she. Her off sleeping with other men while you are at home facilitating her life while she figures out if she can get herself a better deal elsewhere.

Have a bit more self respect. As above, go to your parents for a couple of weeks. Maybe the fantasy of being with someone else will wear off if she has to deal with the practicalities of life and doesn't have you at home trying to win her back.

Also, you shouldn't be trying to win her back. She is the one that has cheated. If you are to gey back together, she needs to be the one to apologise and win you back.

[SpottedTent]

Sorry you are going through this. I don't have much to add to the good advice you've been given except, is there any reason why your daughters can't go with you? Or ask her to leave?

[wickedgame]

Brilliant advice - thanks :-) She swears she hasn't cheated, but she's not hiding what she wants to be doing. As usual, nice guys don't always win. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Maybe she'll realise what she had and wants once it's gone? I hope she doesn't realise too late as one day I'll move on if I really have to and the I might never want her back.

[SpottedTent]

Actually ignore that. It's unfair on your children to cause such disruption unless you give a reasonable explanation for the uprooting...

[wickedgame]

She won't leave the girls as she loves them and they are her No1 concern. I've not asked what number I am - lol! I find it easier to laugh than cry....

[wickedgame]

Explaining to the children and getting them to understand will be hard....

[ClashCityRocker]

You have a right to be with someone you love.
If she's serious about wanting to try and get feelings back, rather than having her cake and eating it, I would suggest moving out, at least for a trial period. Maybe go back to dating for a while?

Either way, it's far better for your girls to have two happy parents who aren't together than grow up in a sham marriage.

[wickedgame]

Her new desire is married and it doesn't look like he's going to leave his wife. He might even just want her for sex and to spice up his life. She's been drawn in hook, line and sinker though. They're both playing. dangerous game as he also has two children. I wonder what his wife knows or if he often grooms younger ladies for his sexual pleasures? My wife even said it feels like she's neen groomed!? WTF!?

[gamerchick]

Don't let her control everything.. whack yourself a bag and leave her arse. She can't dictate things because it'll make life easier for her.

[AnyFucker]

Don't be a mug, mate. Don't do the "pick me" dance either, it is humiliating. Sorry, can't link but a quick google will inform you.

I think she should be the one to leave....she wants the freedom to shag other men then give it to her and you get your own life too.

[ilovelamp82]

Exactly. Staying and trying to win her back won't work. She'll always be looking for something else. You will be umhappy and not able to trust her.

She clearly has little respect for you. And by staying and letting her walk all over you, that's unlikely to change.

I would treat this as a proper seperation. If she sees the error of her ways then great. If not, then you need to move on.

I can assure you. There are plenty of women who have been in awful relationships that really are looking for a nice guy.

[gamerchick]

She's lying to you OP.

[ilovelamp82]

Umhappy??? Unhappy

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

She seems to be making no secret of this. How hurtful for you. If the girls were her number 1 priority she wouldn't be doing this imo.

I was going to recommend Shirley Glasses book Not Just Friends but it sounds like she's checked out of this marriage well and truly.

I can't help feeling she should move out whilst you create a stable home for the girls. Her priorities are apparently the rush of infatuation and lust with another man. I'm so sorry. I need to get the kids ready for school. But you'll get good advice here.

[MargotThreadbetter]

Yes, she should leave. What a bloody nerve she's got!
She sounds selfish and cruel. Ask her how she'd feel if it were the other way around.
Please don't facilitate her lifestyle, you will only end up hating yourself.

[CaptainVasiliBorodin]

Wow, a heady mix of betrayal, unrequited love and utter disrespect from your wife. It must hurt like hell and I don’t envy the position you find yourself in. However you are going to have to find the strength to rise above the current pain and start taking control of your life, and by that you need to start being proactive rather than reactive, she is calling all the shots at the moment, trying to force you to play happy families and condemn you to a future life of misery just so she can shag around without the public shame that her shite selfish behaviour would bring. Whatever you do, don’t move out, seek legal advice as to what your options are. Remember you are still in love with the person you thought she was, not what she currently is, do you really want to ‘win’ back the latter version of your wife, live in an atmosphere of zero trust, wondering when she is next going to have an emotional/physical affair, feeding of scraps of affection? Nah, I didn’t think so either.

[wickedgame]

Thanks everyone, you're helping and confirming what I was worried I'd have to do.

[wickedgame]

The stronger I am the better this will end up. No more Mr nice guy as he's been trampled in to the carpet. If she wants to make a new bed for herself, she can go lay in it!

[springydaffs]

How painful. You poor thing

Whatever you choose to do, do it for you and not to get her to change. Do your research (eg Shirley Glass 'not just friends', mentioned above; the pick me dance etc) to get your self-respect back and to clarify your thoughts. Then have a practical talk with her along the lines that this isn't workable ie you can't be forced to take this, she has to make a practical choice. It's cruel of her to expect you to take this agonising situation.

Just one thing (and I hope posters don't pile in with this..), you say you love "all" your girls - I hope you don't include your wife in that? She isn't a girl, she's a grown woman.

I wish you well with this op.

[HerdyHerdwick]

You say you "found out" about this. Did she tell you, or was there something else? She seems to be very brazen about it.
I'm concerned that she seems to want an open marriage, which you label as 'fake and loveless'. An open marriage doesn't have to be fake and loveless but of course it must be what both of you want for it to have any hope of working.
I'm just suprised by how blatant she's being.
I'd recommend getting some legal advice.

[wickedgame]

Yes, she is a woman and not a girl. She slowly confessed about her feelings about me and then feelings about him. I'm believing her about nothing happening yet, but don't fully trust her now. When I look in to her eyes I can see something but she won't say what it is. I don't want to fight for the girls or go to court. I just wanted to give it one last shot, but I'm probably delaying the inevitable and giving her all the power. Time for positive action and change from me.

[HerdyHerdwick]

So she's told you she fancies some bloke she works with. How did the part about him not leaving his wife come up? It seems odd that she'd have that information if she just fancies this guy but they haven't taken it further. I think there's more going on, sorry.

[Joysmum]

For me, this isn't the fact that she's attracted to another man, it's that she's said she doesn't love you.

All the time you remain in a marriage with somebody you don't love, you're foregoing the opportunities and freedoms to find true happiness.

You'll also both be modeling your marriage as being what you want for the kids.

I grew up with parents who weren't in love and speak from the perspective of a 'child' of a marriage that wasn't awful, but wasn't what marriage should be.