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social services are destroying my family

(269 Posts)
justalilmummy Tue 21-Jan-14 23:08:42

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

BrianTheMole Tue 21-Jan-14 23:13:16

Have you got a solicitor and an advocate? If not, I would get one.

I am sorry to hear about these troubles.

Not all mentally abusive men have mental disorders.
Do you think the social workers feel that you and your children are suffering domestic abuse from this man, even though he has no mental disorders? Could it be that the mental health issues are not the reason for behaviour the social worker see as damaging to your children? How do you know it is the social workers interference that is the reason your child has sleep problems and wetting his bed?

Has your childs problems started after your dp came out of hospital?

What was your child like while your dp was away? How long was he away for?

I am sorry, that was a barrage of questions!

FluffyJumper Tue 21-Jan-14 23:20:08

Why do you think social services are doing this?

This all sounds be hard on all of you.

I agree you could do with legal advice/support.
Is your/your DH's GP involved at all?

sooperdooper Tue 21-Jan-14 23:26:11

I agree you should get some legal advice, I though that social workers could only act in a mental health situation if the medical evidence suggested there was a continuing problem, not if someone has been discharged - what are they basing their belief that he's still mentally unwell on?

justalilmummy Tue 21-Jan-14 23:26:16

I plan to get an advocate for the next meeting as it very hard for me to get out what I'm trying to say as theres so many people in the room
I just feel for my poor dp, who yes whilst I get there were problems when they initially became involved they are no longer there, but whatever we do they keep stepping it up a notch
They have said they have no concerns about my parenting so I dont understand why this is happening
I said once out of anger what if I got rid of dp all together they told me they still wouldnt leave me alone
I'm scared they wont stop and will try and take my children, we love our children dearly and my ds was a happy child until they banished hes daddy from the home (my other ds is only 5 months so hes not so affected)
Shes a very over the top women when she visited when our ds2 was 6 day's old and she asked dp how is was going he said alright and she said just alright not wonderful amazing look at ur beautiful child, for goodness sake we have had 9 hours sleep in 48 hours leave us be!
She put it down as dp seems emotionally distant and if course all the other people who have a say in our lives have never met the man and agree with her!

justalilmummy Tue 21-Jan-14 23:34:11

Quintessential my partner has never abused me in any way, but yes social worker thinks he does due to police being called in the passed, we had had to much drink, children were not in the house at the time. However no issues for 15 months.
The reason I believe it is social workers interference is that he was told hes not allowed in the family home anymore which is when the wetting himself/ not eating started before then he was fine
He is still not allowed back until he starts a parenting course at the local family, which he has agreed to do but she has failed to get him on
My ds never had a problem whilst he was in hospital it wad only 8 days and whilst he missed him he did not show any signs of distress at the time, it was 15 month ago and the problems only started 4 months ago after he was told he was not allowed here, which the stupid women told me in front of my son, so now he is very wary if her abd gets upset when she visits

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:03:30

Is there really anything I can do about this? Ive been looking on the internet and u cant appeal a child protection order
I dont get it we have done everything they asked but they still wont leave us alone and I'm finding it very stressful, I feel like in on my own as I have to be home by myself with the boys all the time and they dont get to see there dad much anymore :-(

Sounds almost like a "vendetta" against your family ( for lack if a better word ) by this woman. Agree you need some advice.

lilyaldrin Wed 22-Jan-14 00:10:57

Honestly I think you need to just comply, and work with them, even if you don't agree.
Do the therapy.
Get your DS therapy.
Get your DP on the parenting course asap.

MadIsTheNewNormal Wed 22-Jan-14 00:12:15

You say he has never abused you in any way, but drunken arguments getting so out of hand that the police needed to be called on THREE separate occasions is not normal and does not sound good AT ALL.

What went on there then?

And are you both still drinking?

I've been married over 20 years and I drink virtually every day of my life but I have never had a drunken argument with anyone never mind one where the police were called.

I think you need to tell us a bit more about the background and what went on with this breakdown.

sydlexic Wed 22-Jan-14 00:17:09

Can you afford a solicitor?

Can you ask for this woman to be replaced?

Engage with the new Social worker and make a plan.

Get a private assessment of your DH.

Get your GP, any other HCP you have dealt with, teachers nursery school workers to attend the meetings that can speak up for you. Your DH must attend meetings whenever they are set.

Someone close to me went through similar, we got team of friends and relations together to do safeguarding, this meant one of us was in the house with the parents 24 hrs a day. This meant the DC could remain with both parents.

It was horrendous but we eventually won.

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:24:33

Madisthenenormal

Things were bad back then, but not down to my dp

We had our first ds very young (2 months off 18) I lost pretty much all my friends became very isolated and when I look back I think I may have had post natal depression. This led to me piling on a huge amount of pressure onto my dp, he couldn't do/say anything right and I was a very difficult person.
I have fully held my hands up to this, but am a very different person now, I'm happy, have developed a great social circle and things have been going good

I have been trying to tell them that things were not good back then, tbh we were not ready for a baby but have grown up a huge amount since then have sorted ourselves out and now are very happy and settled
I feel that it's been 15 months since hes breakdown/police have not been called in 2.5 years so we have shown we are ok.
Social services did not come on the scene till after hes breakdown and nothing has happened since which is why I'm so confused that they decdied child protection was needed even though we have done nothing bit work with them It's causing me so much stress I'm trying tl be the best mum I can be but I feel so intruded on
It was awful when they came and checked my home
Looked in my fridge checked the beds etc and now I have her randomly turning up every 5 mins from 8am -8pm I'm constantly on edge

MadIsTheNewNormal Wed 22-Jan-14 00:29:31

But why were the police called and who called them? Were either of you being violent towards the other? Were you being violent to him?

I am no expert but I guess the police, GP and SS all cross reference their records and flag up worries when they know there are small children involved.

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:37:23

Sydlexic dp mum is looking into a solicitor as we cant afford one right now
School have been involved and have said there is no problem with ds hes happy, on target for hes age, sociable, np behaiviour issues etc just a normal happy boy
GP have said no issues with children
Health visitor: children's developmental check was fine immunisations up to date weight fine
Dps gp will not prescribe anti depressions for him as no depression also wont refer for therapy as not needed

Dp wants to attend meetings but she is making it increasingly difficult for him to do so, due to the amount of notice she gives the first child protection meeting she gave less than 24 hours which is to short notice.
Ive also witnessed her lying in this meeting, on one visits she wound dp up a bit, hes been having problems at work and when he was telling her about it she said toeeveryone that my ds had removed himself to the corner as he was shouting, no he wasn't yet noone would listen!!! He did not remove himself he said next to me the whole time and dp said nothing that would upset him!

MadIsTheNewNormal Wed 22-Jan-14 00:41:09

Can you secretly record all meetings from now on?

Or insist on them being openly recorded?

I have no idea how these things work but I've heard similar stories about SW's lying or exaggerating about what went on in meetings.

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:42:25

But really after 2.5 years with no issues? She came in the house was tidy, food in the fridge, dp and ds were happily playing a game on the floor we have shown them we are ok now but they were going on about what if? It's guilty until proven innocent we cant prove he will never have a breakdown again its damned if u do damned if u dont
I agreed ds can go to therapy even tho dont agree he needs it
I agreed to do therapy even tho I know I dont need it
Dp agreed to c hes gp, do councilling, parenting course
None of these we can do without her referring us, none of these she has referred us to

moldingsunbeams Wed 22-Jan-14 00:46:12

Interestingly I am on the alternative side of this with a friend who's ex husband does have severe mental health issues including suicide attempts, extreme thoughts, treated as an inpatient, under mental health team, damage to the house etc and is very unstable and spoke to social services for advice regarding contact and was told there was no reason it should not go ahead unsupervised.

I think I would ask to deal with someone else or have someone present when she comes, get a report from the mental health team to say he has no mental health issues if that is what they have said and get some legal advice and support if you can.

Social services obviously view the incident as bigger than you do, was it the police who referred to social services? I can see why social services would be concerned if the police were called three times.

Work with them, be open, be accepting of advice and prove to them you are listening while protecting and backing yourself up at the same time.

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:49:34

I never believed people when they said they were having problems with them I honestly thought they were good people who wanted to help families
Now I'm not so sure
I'm a good mum my children are happy with me
My poor ds cries for hes daddy every night it breaks my heart but what can I do?
They say the children are 'at risk of emotional abuse' yet cant they see the emotional damage they are causing all coz they think there is a risk.
A risk! They even said themselves the children are not being abused but theres a bloody risk! How the hell do I prove myself to them that no abuse will happen when they are threatening me with a care order even though they agree theres np abuse currently happening!

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 00:55:28

Moldingsunbeams there has been no issues for 2.5 years but they decided 4 months ago to do this it makes no sense
Dp was discharged from the mental health team but they dont agree and are going against what a trained mental health worker who has done an extensive assessment on him
'he must take responsibility for hes mental health issues, via taking the medication which he wad discharged from the hospital with'
The same medication hes mental health nurse, a psychiatrist and hes GP agree he no longer needs.

MadIsTheNewNormal Wed 22-Jan-14 00:57:06

I think in order for us to answer those questions and decide whether the SWs are being too heavy handed or not, you need to tell us more specifically/honestly what went on in the past and the extent of the drinking/aggression/mental illness etc that led to the various agencies becoming involved in your lives in the first place.

How old are your children now?

MadIsTheNewNormal Wed 22-Jan-14 01:03:36

Also you keep focusing on 2.5 years with 'no issues' but it is only 2.5 years since the police were last called to deal with 'out of hand' drunken domestic disputes.

It is only 15 months since your DP had a 'mental breakdown' and that is not very long ago at all. I presume that even if his MH team no longer consider him to have MH issues there will still be a minimum time that SS continue to monitor a family closely before they are prepared to sign off the case.

Why did your DPs' MH breakdown require the intervention of SS and for a protection plan to be put in place? He must have been doing/saying some fairly extreme stuff for them to consider him unfit to be left alone with the children.

justalilmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 01:07:18

I called the police in December 2008 after he broke my window, we had no children at the time
I called the police after when he tried to kick my door down April 2009 I was 6 month pregnant
I called thr police after he threw 2 plates across the kitchen in July 2010 ds was 2, however was not at home.
Yes I agree these incidents were not great, but we're however never done in front of the children. Nothing has ever happened in front of the children.
They dont get my point that nothing has happened since then but until we prove it wont happen again they wont go....but how do we prove it,, u just cant! I know we are in a better place than we were back then but I cant convince them and I think threatening US with a care order is so over the top and banning dp from the house to prevent 'emotional abuse' when he has never been anything but a a loving dad to him is causing more damage

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