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I told her

(462 Posts)
Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:21

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

dirtyface Fri 13-Sep-13 19:17:46

no judging here OP, read your other thread too

i have been here (sort of)

and if i was her i would want to know, she has the right to know her "d" h is a cheating scumbag

and he deserves every bit of the fallout, the wanker

look after yourself x

littlemisssarcastic Fri 13-Sep-13 19:18:24

OP, You know you behaved in a particularly spiteful manner, you know that what you did was fuelled by revenge and bitterness.

Perhaps this would explain why he dumped you in the first place? Perhaps this would explain why he never wanted to be exclusive with you?
Perhaps now you understand why he is married to his wife and not you.

I'm not sure there can be that many women who would be as callous as you have been.

As for him, what a nasty piece of work he is, cheating over and over on his wife.

At least he will hopefully face consequences for what he's done now that you've told his wife. You OTOH get to ignite the bomb, then just walk away into the sunset. There are no consequences for you that weren't there already. He had already dumped you.

I am not normally a vengeful person, but I wouldn't have much sympathy for you if his wife did pay you a visit.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 13-Sep-13 19:19:33

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Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 19:20:18

Would everyone grow up & stop attacking the OP. She knows what she did was wrong & the only reason you know is because she came here & told you.

Kicking the OP is no different to her kicking the OW, except that posters are giving their attacks a self righteous spin that she did not.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone etc...

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 19:21:56

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CatAmongThePigeons Fri 13-Sep-13 19:22:12

But why come here and say it, if she knew she was wrong?

MrsPeeWee Fri 13-Sep-13 19:22:33

"Kicking OP is no different to kicking OW"

Are you for real?

mignonette Fri 13-Sep-13 19:22:43

Listen to Wellwobbly who could teach some of you (with possibly your own agendas) what grace under pressure means.

I had that experience too Wellwobbly and yes, bear baiting is not going to help. You sound a very wise and compassionate woman. And I hope that soon your life starts to give you some of the good things you deserve flowers

littlemisssarcastic Fri 13-Sep-13 19:24:22

Except OP wasn't bothered if he had any of the fallout when she was busy shagging him was she?

Yes, he is wrong, and I'm sure he will face consequences, but what consequences does OP face for being so spiteful and cruel?? For knowingly shagging a MM? It's only when it didn't suit OP anymore that she decided to exact her revenge.

To be so full of bitterness over being dumped by a man who wasn't your bloody boyfriend in the first place, is weird.

I wouldn't even suggest you find yourself a nice single man. I wouldn't wish such a bitter deranged person on anyone.

Hope you sleep well OP. Still at least he's hurting like you are, and so is his wife, and their DC if they have any, and their families, and their friends etc etc.

You'll move on and find another poor man, while MM's wife will live with this for a very long time, far longer than it will take you to dry your eyes.

EsTutMirLeid Fri 13-Sep-13 19:26:05

OP your 'pain is immense at the moment'.
Seriously! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

My last comment in this thread before I hide it. You have acted maliciously to get back at the man you had an affair with after he chose to have further affairs with other women. He betrayed you so you decided to try and hurt him, well you haven't hurt him, you've hurt his wife. You did not tell his wife out of kindness or respect, you told her so you could dig the knife in a little deeper and turn it.

Stop feeling so sorry or yourself... You brought this all on yourself. The married man is an asshole, the wife is better off without him. You knew he was married, you continued your relationship, you felt no guilt then, no reason to tell his wife then. But when you discover you are also being cheated on you feel you have to tell the wife out of respect. Oh do give me a break.

maras2 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:26:35

' Bubble of happiness '. You still sound like a sodding Mills and Boon novel.FFS. grow up and recognise just what you are responsible for.All of this self - flagellation is making me nauseus.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 13-Sep-13 19:27:11

I don't feel anything like spite towards the OP confused. What are you on about? I do think she's behaved like a dick though, just as I did for doing certain similar behaviours in my past.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 19:27:28

@MrsPeeWee - she seems to want to talk about how much she regrets it.
Is this a forum only for people who do the 'right' thing?

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 19:28:47

I can only speak for me but I am being harsh in the hope she will see how wrong she has been, that she will never do anything like this again and I did offer very good advice on the other thread. No point offering more as she doesn't want it, she wants validation for going her own sweet way. She posts she feels crap and wishes she hadn't told the wife as if it is a shock to her that it wasn't the right thing to do after all.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 19:32:14

Really MissStrawberry - please don't pass off kicking someone on the net because you can as some form of altruism. As Ivy Compton Burnett said "Being cruel to be kind is just ordinary cruelty with an excuse made for it". The OP very clearly regrets her own actions so kicking her isn't going to achieve anything.

lunar1 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:33:13

Another one here who thinks you have done the right thing for the wrong reasons.

I also think you are posting these threads as you know the pasting you will get and it is some how making you feel better, like you are paying for what you have done.

I think the fact that you did this by text is horrendous. As much of a stalker as you are, you have no idea what she was doing at that time, what she was going through.

Was she sat chatting with friends, phone on the table and that message popped up for all to see? I don't know if it is your intention but you seem to be trying to strip an innocent woman of every aspect of her life.

Please leave her alone if she ignores you. You are on self destruct and seem determined to take everyone down with you.

PrincessFlirtyPants Fri 13-Sep-13 19:38:11

OP, you and the married man have acted appallingly.

When I was cheated on I was told by the other woman. Do you know what? I don't hate her, she didn't know me/love me/care about me. I wasn't her friend, she owed me no loyalty. I was devastated that my boyfriend had cheated on me, who he did it with irrelevant.

BUT

I thought her morals were appalling.

You need to remember how you are feeling now in the future if you ever consider doing this again.

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 13-Sep-13 19:47:26

Good evening all
We can understand that emotions are running high on this thread...
But please can we remind you Mumsnet's raison d'être is advice and support and to keep to our guidelines
Thanks awfully

SisterMonicaJoan Fri 13-Sep-13 19:51:55

I think you did this to provoke a reaction from the MM and hoped that once his wife knew, he would be "set free" from their relationship and he might come crawling back to you. Or if he came to you angry, he still came - you can't be ignored. All attention is good attention for you OP.

MissStrawberry Fri 13-Sep-13 19:52:18

No, I never said I was being cruel to be kind. I am being harsh because she needs it. I was helpful on the other thread but won't waste it on someone who is going to be as vindictive as this for no good reason.

mignonette Fri 13-Sep-13 19:52:29

Thank you Olivia .

StraightJacket Fri 13-Sep-13 19:54:11

I really hope to god that her children didn't see that text message. My eldest (9) sometimes plays games on my phone and if I get a text whilst he is on it, he will read it to me. What if routines were interrupted due to illness or something? Do you have any idea what (even more) damage you could of caused by sending that text?

I agree that the wife had a right to know, but you have gone in all guns blazing fueled by revenge and not thinking of the consequences.

Helpyourself Fri 13-Sep-13 19:54:30

hmm
Well it's done now, and there are good reasons for her to know, even if she only does through spite.
Now stop beating yourself up and concentrate on your children.

Bogeyface Fri 13-Sep-13 19:57:23

I have been cheated on and would probably have put the OWs heads through a window if I had met them on the day I found out.

But, I would rather have heard from them than no one and have to be paranoid and accused of MH problems for months and months, and have to eventually find out after much digging, which is what happened.

OP, I think that yes the wife did deserve to know and while your motives are at best suspect, I think that eventually she will be grateful that she found out although she will probably always hate your guts. But I have to agree that this pity party of not deserving anything nice again, telling your children, going on about what an awful person you are is getting irritating.

You fucked up, you learned a lesson, now move on.

BMW6 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:08

OP, you have got some SERIOUS growing up to do.
Stop whingeing on here looking for sympathy (why else would you post after the responses you got on the first thread?), take a good hard look at yourself and take steps towards being a better human being.

You can try to justify your actions in telling the wife because she has the right to know what a cunt she is married to, but that isn't why you told her.
You only told her because he dumped you (he didn't "cheat" on you - you were not his) and you are out for revenge as a salve to YOUR ego.

Look on the pain that you are feeling as a tiny price to pay for the hurt you have inflicted on another person.

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