Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Under huge pressure from MM - please help :(

(151 Posts)
shameshame Mon 02-Sep-13 19:46:16

Thank you for everyone who has helped on my past threads where I outlined my affair with a MM. Please accept my sincerest apologies to the many DW on here that this thread may cause upset - i am sorry in advance. I honestly have nowhere to turn.

Thanks to the great advice I received on here I managed to go 2 months NC from MM, after a near mental breakdown and moving and jobs and cities far away from family and friends in a bid to restart my life.

MM has recently contacted me saying he can't live without me (and all that jazz). I stupidly met up, he broke down and said he needs me in his life, is willing to give DW full disclosure and start again with me. Seems genuine and I still love MM (STUPID I KNOW).

I'm thrown back into turmoil now - he wants to do it before Wednesday as he is due on a family holiday with his DW and young DC and can't go through the pretence.

I feel so much pressure on my shoulders. I don't want to split up a family (I know I should have thought of that before) but he says the damage is done. Just as I was getting back on track.

Please help if you can find it in yourselves. i know plenty of OW with have said this before but I'm not a bad person and devastated at what i've become.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 02-Sep-13 19:48:36

If things are that bad with his DW then he'd end it anyway.

He's one of those men that can't be on his own then?

You're his back up plan.

kalidanger Mon 02-Sep-13 19:49:21

Tell him not to do it and you never want to see or talk to him again.

You're in charge of this. His damage, his problem.

Please stop being pathetic.

Coconutty Mon 02-Sep-13 19:50:42

Bollocks, he just wants a shag. You know he'll go on holiday with his wife and young children, right?

And if you are devastated at what you've become, stop it then.

Fozziebearmum2be Mon 02-Sep-13 19:51:52

Although you're in love with him, these relationships never last in practice... There are often trust issues (the old chestnut of if he can do that to his wife/mother of children) he can easily do it to you (and could you trust him...and him you. Even if trust isn't an issue and you get past this, then a relationship founded on sneaking around and 'excitement' like this doesn't have the grounds-as once you settle into domestic drudgery do you have the basis of a healthy relationship? I'd probably say not...

Know its a tough decision but I don't see a rship which started like this to have a future...

Doha Mon 02-Sep-13 19:52:32

How did he manage to contact you again??

Tell him if he is that unhappy to leave his wife and kids and live alone for a few months. Then and only then would you even consider thinking about being with him.

Then cut ALL contact again-no texts no emails no FB NOTHING.

I feel so sorry for his DW and family

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 19:54:10

Don't believe him. If he wanted to end it with his wife, he would have done.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 19:54:10

Go back to NC. Block any means of contact he has for you. Unless of course you want a relationship with a man who treats the people he should love and cherish most like this.

If he wants to leave his wife he will. It should be nothing to do with you.

AFishWithoutABicycle Mon 02-Sep-13 19:56:27

Why do you have to tell him whether he can leave her? Why is it up to you?
Sack him off, he has done it to her he'll do it to you.
You deserve better. She deserves better. His child deserves better.

Quiltcover Mon 02-Sep-13 19:57:27

This man will bring you no long term happiness. You know that. You do not want to be the reason this selfish man leaves his dw and young children.
He has used you and been unfaithful to his wife and child. He is not a catch, but someone who will always put himself first.
Give him up and behave like a woman who has integrity. It is never too late to do the right thing.

ModreB Mon 02-Sep-13 19:58:37

A man who marries (or gets together) with his mistress leaves a vacancy.

He will do it again.

HerdyHerdwick Mon 02-Sep-13 19:59:22

If he really intended to leave his wife, if things were really that bad here's what he would have done. He would have left. And only after he'd left, and made provisions for W and DC, he'd have come to you as a man who was now fully available for a relationship.
Coming to you as he has done and putting pressure on you is cruel, selfish and prime fuckwittery.

ChristineDaae Mon 02-Sep-13 20:03:02

No judgement here for being the OW, but from a self respect pov, you should tell him that if he wants to leave his wife he should do so. Then sort himself out, move out, whatever he needs to do. Get over his family breakup. THEN, and only then, if he still wants to be with you should he contact you again.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 20:03:18

Actually I know what you should do.

Tell him yes. Tell him to disclose everything to his wife, leave her and the children right before their planned holiday.

And then, when he turns up on your doorstep with his bin liners, tell to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

Lavenderhoney Mon 02-Sep-13 20:12:46

Fairenuff!!smile

How did he find you to contact you? However, ignore him and move on.by saying " the damage is done" I expect his wife has found out and is kicking him to the kerb. Rather than move in with his mum, if she'll have him, he has decided you are the (un) lucky winner.

Its not your responsibility to take him in, nor provide a wifely service. He's already messed with your head once, don't let him do it again. Leave him to his mess. And stay away from mm. Look at the misery, compounded by your causing the misery of others.

shameshame Mon 02-Sep-13 20:17:08

His DW hasn't found out or is kicking him to the kerb as far as I know - am pretty sure on this.

As for how he got in contact - he text (unknown no.) and I thought I was over it enough to meet.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 20:24:04

If you are serious you can't have contact with him ever.

It is your decision to make. Contact or no contact.

Hissy Mon 02-Sep-13 20:26:52

You thought it was over enough to meet?

After 2m?

<slap>

Tis for your own good OP, promise.

Change your number tomorrow! VANISH from his life and get back on with yours.

What on earth do you want with someone who's sat on holiday with his family, sniffing around for a piece of arse?

You do know he'd cheat on you too, don't you?

Find the esteem you found in yourself not so long ago, the little bit that was enough to go NC the last time.

You are worth a billion more than this dreadful man.

Would it help if you imagined that the poor woman he's on holiday with could be one of us? That it could be our child's heart that's going to learn that Daddy doesn't love them enough to stay?

What is it going to take to put yourself into a place where you know you deserve more?

You've lost so much of your life investing in a pit that'd never return any of your investment.

I promise that all this is to snag you back on the hook again, then he'd say that this that and the other means he has to put off telling her.

Tell him to Fuck off and get a grip.

Then vanish, once and for all.

He's taking up the space where a good man could be. He's cheating YOU out of a future.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Mon 02-Sep-13 20:35:49

Oh please.

If he wanted to be with you, he'd have turned up on your doorstep with a suitcase, saying that he'd been totally honest with his wife and had left her to be with you - the love of his life.

But he didn't. He turned up in the hope that you'd put out while his wife is busy with small kids, bills to pay and all those boring things that being in a family entails.

I sense that you are rather enjoying his pathetic attention. Work on your self esteem and build a relationship with a man who DOES want you to be the centre of his world. Rather than the back up fuck.

Upnotdown Mon 02-Sep-13 20:43:28

I don't know what you want anyone to say...You know the way out. NC.

If you can't go NC then you'll have to just live with the consequences of your/his actions.

Sounds like his DW would be better off without him - he's allowing another woman (you) to think she's worth more to him than her and his DC. If you think he's serious about that, then (probably) more fool you. He wants to get his leg over and rather than go to the effort of finding a new victim, he knows your moral stance already.

You'll end up doing what you want in the end - I don't really see why you keep dragging this out. You're just prolonging a shitty situation. If you want him, have him...You never know, it might work out and you'll ride off into the sunset together on a unicorn as the soul mates you are.

You just sound like you're looking for approval. Good luck with that.

kalidanger Mon 02-Sep-13 20:46:28

Youve got to stop this OP. this isn't the latest episode in a swirling romantic roller coaster of forbidden love, driven uncontrollably by the fates. It's you not being able to delete a text message.

Did you sleep with him when you met up? hmm For gods sake.

JumpingJackSprat Mon 02-Sep-13 20:51:46

Do not ever get together with him, he is a cheating arsehole and you will never, ever be able to trust him. You will always wonder whether he is doing it with someone else. Don't contact him ever again, if he wants to meet up, repeat ad nauseum: No, I do not want to meet up with you. Do not contact me again.

shameshame Mon 02-Sep-13 20:55:40

I understand what you are saying - I know it's textbook - believe me I've spent my summer reading them - but he is adamant he wants out/hates what he's done to me and DW/has thought it through/accepts the reality of the situation - that it might not work out with us anyway, that he'll have to go through a divorce, put his dc's and dw through hell but wants to take the risk. I realise it's probably in the 'script' or whatever somewhere and it's all a big game to mess with my head again but it seems real.

HerdyHerdwick Mon 02-Sep-13 20:59:40

If he wants out he can leave his wife first. No need to drag you further into it.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 21:00:26

So let him go through with what ever he wants. As I said before it is nothing to do with you. Unless you want to continue a relationship with him.

If you do, stop the bull shit angst and be honest with yourself. You are happy to be with this man and a factor in the pain and heartbreak he is going to inflict on his kids.

If you don't, don't reply to his texts.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now