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Finding a nice single man?(195 Posts)
I'm a regular who has name changed and I am ready for the flaming that I will no doubt get
I have read so many threads on here from OW and about OW that suggest they go and find themselves a single man and leave the MM alone.
Ive been seeing a MM for 18 months. I love him, he loves me. We have an understanding, he wont leave his wife (he loves her and their children) and I dont want a full time relationship as I have children and I dont want to bring another man into their lives, they already have a Dad.
Because I know that we cannot be together I have never closed my eyes to the option of meeting someone else. Oh and I have met plenty of men, problem is, they are all complete nobs!! In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him.
So in summary, I KNOW I shouldnt be seeing a MM, but my alternative is to be single (I hate being single, I need to kiss and cuddle someone, I feel desperately lonely when I dont have someone) or to go for 'second best' in which case I might as well have stayed unhappily married as my EX is more normal than most of the blokes I meet.
I am probably trying to justify myself, which is nice and easy on an anonymous forum, but how on earth do people meet nice men? do they even exist?
Attila you are probably right.
I married a man who did not love me, he had affairs throughout our marriage that I did not know about until long after we had split. I obviously wasnt worth holding on to, so I presume that I am probably not so great for anyone to have a permanent long term relationship with.
I dont just date anyone with a pulse though, I am very very choosy about who I date, its only when I get to know them better that I find out that they are not good for me.
My self esteem and self worth are very low, you are right there, but I wont just settle for anyone, hence my concern that there are no decent single men!
I thought so, hence my initial response to you earlier.
You have low self esteem and worth written all over you and that's also evident in your responses. You are truly a magnet for low life scumbags and the married man you are seeing is just the latest in a long line of unsuitable men. I still think you need to completely re-assess your whole approach to relationships and what you have learnt from same.
Honestly if I knew you I would hand you the details of BACP and tell you to call them. Then I would walk away. You need to unpick all this crap and that will be a long and difficult process for you. I have also stated you need to start loving your own self for a change, you are full of self loathing. You can not love another unless you can fully love your own self first.
Your ex H failed you and did so throughout your marriage; your mistake if there is one attributable to you was to choose the wrong man to marry. During that time the rot you still have within you started.
You state that you don't settle; well you have and for yet another lowlife as well this time in an affair. You know too what it was like to be cheated on; you by your actions with this man are doing the same to her as was done to you many years ago.
You still have choices however, you have made and keep making poor life changes. You need to change.
Your basically, using MM, to substitute the feelings you should have had during your marriage,
And yeah you do have extremely low self esteem, probably due to your marriage.
Have you sought help to organise all these misplaced feelings?
I am sure there are nice men. I think you've made it hard for you to find one. You are not totally free. Sounds like a waste of time to me.
"How can you possibly bang on about love and respect when he's showing such total disrespect to his wife and children? He's a cheating toad. And there are not enough words to describe you (and women like you) who feel that MM are fair game because 'we lurve each other', 'we're soul mates', 'it's in the stars', etc, etc.
This. With bells on. Esp last 4 letters.
OP, how on earth can you live with being the OW when your OH cheated on you himself? How can you be complicit in doing that to someone else? What if his wife ever finds out? What if his kids find out? How do you think they'd feel? How can you be so childish (cuddles, ffs) about all this?
Sorry, but I think it is a complete myth that there are no decent men. I found a super guy 6 weeks after STBXH left, and I wasn't really looking. (I am 61 BTW)
There is no simple answer to why you perceive all men you meet to be nobs, but it might be useful to do some personal reflection.
I sometimes think women expect Prince Charming, rather than "blokes" with all their faults & loveliness in hopefully not equal measure. My newfound love is balding & rather geeky, but he is crazy about me & we have a great time together, in all ways. - reflect, reflect...
You are just indulging yourself and you lack a moral compass. There's no reason why a woman with as full a life as yours just can't be on her own until someone more suitable comes along. Why is it so hard for you to do the right thing? What goes around comes around.
So he's betraying his wife and children and is willing to cause them all sorts of heartache just so he can have a bunk up with you? Could you point out where he's being nice? I appear to have missed it.
I think your behaviour is dreadful and there is absolutely no excuse for it. You cannot justify an affair with a mm because you haven't met any decent single men. Has it occurred to you that you're subconsciously picking shit men (including the mm) because you know they are arses and you won't have to do something massively scary, lower your defences and trust? It certainly sounds like it when you say you find it difficult being alone.
Yes I have read the thread OP. Do you not believe that most women find themselves single men to be with? You really need to have a look at your life if you would rather be a MM bit on the side than single.
Sounds like you and him have home wrecking in common!
"...In 4 years of being single I have never met an available man who dos not have something wrong with him."
You're afraid of being single and are therefore seeing a married man. Believe me, those men aren't necessarily the only ones with something wrong with them... You need to re-evaluate.
It's easy for the man you can't have to look ideal in your eyes. And having him probably does demotivate you from finding someone else even if you don't think so. you're comparing them all to unattainable excitingly illicit man.
OP, whilst not approving ( it's not for me to approve or disapprove ) of your affair I totally get your point.
The " find yourself your own man " advice just isn't a reality.
I have several single, beautiful, non needy, clever and witty women friends and acquaintances .
How many male equivalents ? One that I can think of, and I strongly suspect he is gay .
And I think it's bollocks to suggest you would be likely to meet a nice single man if you ditched your lover.
There are some nice single men out there. No use to me if there isn't any mutual attraction twixt me and them.
The utter smugness from people who have the sheer luck (because that's really all it is, or very low standards) to have met a 'nice, single man' is bloody overwhelming.
I have been single for 4 years. I have better self esteem than anyone I know, and I honestly couldn't have anything more going for me than I do. Not one person I know can't understand why I am not attracting loads of great men - I'm not, because there ARE practically none out there! The vast majority of single men are not looking for relationships (especially not the ones on dating sites, most of those just want an ego boost, or some casual sex. And plenty of them are not actually single either) The ones who are looking for a partner generally have wholly unrealistic ideas of who they can get (the 50 year olds who won't date a woman over 35...there's lots of those), or a whole multitude of issues and red flags which no sane woman would want to involve herself with.
Seriously, it's not some promised land of single men out there. There are very few decent ones. Chances of meeting one are TINY. I was told when I ended a relationship nearly 5 years ago, that I would have men queuing up. It's bollocks. So by all means tell the OP that she shouldn't morally be seeing someone who's married, but please let's not peddle the fallacy that she'll meet someone suitable and single straight away. If my experience is anything to go by, she'll have years on her own ahead of her. I can totally understand why that's not an appealing prospect, and why, looking at that, it may be preferable to remain in the current situation.
I'd have thought that in order to form a relationship with a nice single man, it would help to be a nice single woman.
Your behaviour isn't that of a nice woman is it?
So the only men you're attracting are unappealing and who have huge character faults. I include the married man in that.
I suspect nice men with better moral compasses and less selfishness just aren't interested in you right now.
So I think unless you change your behaviour and that attitude you've got of being entitled to affection at another woman's expense, none of that's going to change in the near future.
You'll just keep attracting your mirror image, won't you?
I don't think people are saying that there are heaps of naice single men out there. I think it is a lot to do with luck. And being picky. There are some attributes I do not go for and I am sure the guys are the same.
But I would not take up with a MM just because I feel lonely.
Deal with it.
I get lonely. I miss a man's touch. But by Hilary I am not going to do such an immoral thing and take up with a MM.
I continue living my life. And the best thing... No one knows what is around the corner !
Stop this really shitty thing you are doing. Leave well alone.
Nice men are repulsed by liars and cheats. if you met a nice man, you would need to lie to him in order for him to find you remotely attractive. So you are not finding nice men because either:
a) You are having an affair with a married man and nice men would not choose to date a women like that.
b) You would need to lie to them about being having an affair to a married man. And they would eventually find out, and leave you for being a liar.
Every person, even the ones who commit the most heinous crimes, believe they are "a nice person". But it is your actions who define you, not your wishful hopes. Honey, you are not a nice person. And your married man is an even less nice person. You do deserve one another. The only person I am feeling sorry for is the MM's DW. She is the only one who does not deserve who she has.
I have sympathy with you OP; you were vulnerable and alone looking after your DC, your self confidence in tatters after the way your ex treated you. You fell into the arms of someone whom you had known for a long time and felt comfortable with, who gave you affection and made you feel better about yourself, without making any demands on you. I can totally understand how this situation came about.
However, you would not have posted here - at the mercy of the smug marrieds and bitter wronged wives/ex wives-for no reason. You would have known that you would be in for the equivalent of being put in the stocks, as in times of old, to be publicly abused and humiliated. So why did you do this?
My view, for what it's worth, is that you are now feeling better about yourself and are ready to move on and find a permanent relationship. You are therefore seeking a little 'push' by posting on this forum.
Good luck OP. You deserve to find happiness.
That may be...not all of us are bitter, you know....
You don't need a relationship to make your life complete. Anyone who thinks that needs to re-assess their own lives. It smacks of desperation that people get so upset about there being 'no nice men'.
Get on with your lives and stop obsessing about having to share yourself with someone else.
You say that you have to love and respect a man
That statement is priceless ! How can you respect someone who is a liar and a cheat ?
I guess you do meet the wasters because as others have said you are a magnet for them , I imagine that they can tell you're 'easy' and have no respect for yourself .
How can you shag someone just after he's probably had sex with his wife that same day ?
I couldn't , but then again I value myself .
I also have a lot of single female friends who have the exact same problem. Some are happy to remain single so that is OK with them, some are happy to date nobs
So it's OK for your "single female friends" to be single, but you just need to have a man? Another woman's partner?
I'm not sure I've read anything quite so utterly selfish for a long time.
I just hope his wife is not your "friend" too.
And yes, some of us have not been cheated on, have dated, been on relationships, and don't feel the compulsive need to be with a man.
A relationship is nice, but we can get self worth and love from other sources.
Which we can't really get from an affair with a married man.
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