Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

(193 Posts)
WeddingUpset Mon 01-Apr-13 23:47:01

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way sad

ali said what I was hinting at.

I know it sounds horrible but that's why I'd bring up the cost of the legal situation with him.

ImperialBlether Tue 02-Apr-13 00:27:23

Well, I would say, "If you don't want to get married, that's your choice. I will be getting married one day, though. It doesn't seem as though it will be to you, does it?"

fedupofnamechanging Tue 02-Apr-13 00:32:37

So you have moved to be with him - sounds like all the sacrifices and compromises are happening from your side.

I don't know what kind of argument he could have made against marriage, which would supersede the legal protection it offers you and the fact that it is so important to you, emotionally.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 02-Apr-13 00:35:42

I'm not sure you should be "getting over the upset." I'd be tempted to say/do what ImperialBlether says.

What's your financial situation? Are you financially dependent on him?

If yes, you are in a very vulnerable position, and it certainly seems that you are making the sacrifices and he is calling the shots in your relationship.

Not a good place to be.

Machli Tue 02-Apr-13 00:38:43

I've been married twice. It's overrated.

However I do understand how you're feeling. Never is a long time and if it's something you've always wanted I can see how sad that would make you. Do what he says usually go in your house or is it just this?

Sorry to jump on your bandwagon OP, but could some of you wise ladies who've mentioned the legal protection of marriage give me some tips?

DP and I have been together a fair few years now, joint mortgage, bought as tenants in common (I think, always get the name wrong....our sol made us both sign to say if we split we'd walk away with 50% each?). 1 DD, nearly 2yo. He has issues surrounding marriage relating back to family/friends experiences. I'm a bit "meh" on the big fluffy dress, huge cake, party side of things. We can't afford it right now and I'm not too bothered on the status side of things.

BUT since the arrival of DD its been niggling me that I know vaguely I'm not as protected without marriage, but not exactly how/why.

Can anyone point me in the direction of an idiots guide to what protection marriage offers and what we would need to do to protect ourselves if we ultimately decide not to go down that route?

Mimishimi Tue 02-Apr-13 00:47:41

Sorry, but I think he needs to meet you half way. From the sounds of it, he is calling all the shots. You are willing to compromise on the big church wedding, he should be willing to compromise on the venue. This whole appearances thing sounds like a red herring,I am sure more people will have looked down on him for not marrying you ( especially if they know you want to) than for not making a grand show of it. In some circles, being unmarried with kids is far more harmful for appearances ...

fedupofnamechanging Tue 02-Apr-13 00:51:59

Being married means you are each others next of kin - important if one of you is ever seriously ill and wants the other to have some say in what happens wrt treatment. Some jobs have benefits for the spouse if you die. Life insurance automatically pays put to bok, unless someone else is specifically named on the policy. You have to consider inheritance tax and who would get your share of your house if you died. Also pension rights. Sahm are particularly vulnerable because they are financially at a disadvantage if their partner leaves (no spousal support).

CandlestickOlder Tue 02-Apr-13 00:52:43

Just to offer another viewpoint OP - there are plenty of men who do not want to get married and they are not all controlling or unaware of your feelings or trying to keep you at arms length re finances etc. They just don't want to get married. Don't let posters on here put the willies up you!

It's a hard one to compromise on though. One does, one doesn't... What do you do?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Tue 02-Apr-13 00:57:10

It's a tough one, OP, but I would agree with the posters who say that purely for your own legal protection, you need to point out to him that his refusal is leaving your vulnerable and that's not at all fair to you. He can tell you all he likes that he'll never leave you, but no-one can make a promise like that. Gather together information on the disadvantages to you of being unmarried - perhaps he genuinely doesn't realise what would happen to you if he died/you split up.

It's showing a fairly gross disrespect of your future security to refuse to get married just because you can't afford a showy wedding.

If he really just doesn't want to be married, well it's up to you to decide whether that's okay with you and what to do about it. If you decide to stay with him, please make sure that the two of you get excellent legal advice and get wills etc in place to protect you and your DC. This will probably cost more than getting married grin but one way or the other, you need a legal framework around your relationship.

Thanks Karma/Sabrina.

Will have a proper read at a sensible time of day, not on my phone. But other than next of kin, I can't see much on there I'm too worried about at first glance.

OP I hope you get some good advice and sorry again for jumping in!

deliasmithy Tue 02-Apr-13 01:35:25

Sound arguments are all well and good.
Wouldnt it be great if everything ran on logic - well thats how I think most of the time. But theres feelings and emotion. They are also important.

You say he made a sound argument - was it sound to disregard your values and wants? To put up a barrier to reaching a compromise position? Was it sound to disappoint you?

A relationship involves both of you. You shouldnt feel that you have to hide how you feel. I think it would also be fair to him that you explain the deep importance of marriage. He may not think you assign as much value as you do, or he has picked the wrong solution to not being able to afford a big do.

Please dont suppress your own feelings without talking to DP first and airing how you feel and why

scottishmummy Tue 02-Apr-13 01:51:37

For medical purpose nok can be partner he can nominate you as nok
register preference with gp.this goes in dp records.
I wouldnt want to marry someone who didn't want to marry me
Pragmatically get wills,is house in joint names

thelittlestkiwi Tue 02-Apr-13 01:52:07

If it is about appearances you don't actually have to tell anyone you have done it.

But I agree with the previous posters about legal protection for you and your DC. You've obviously already made sacrifices.

AnimatedDad Tue 02-Apr-13 07:20:39

He would never get married because of the cost.

There are lots of things I don't do because of the cost - big houses, expensive dinners, holidays.

But I haven't written them out of my life - not just yet.

Is what youre really wondering 'Would he if he could I?'

AnimatedDad Tue 02-Apr-13 07:21:12

He would never get married because of the cost.

There are lots of things I don't do because of the cost - big houses, expensive dinners, holidays.

But I haven't written them out of my life - not just yet.

Is what youre really wondering 'Would he if he could I?'

givemeaclue Tue 02-Apr-13 07:35:26

Don't think I would have moved/had kids without sorting this out first one way or another

CheerfulYank Tue 02-Apr-13 07:40:10

I really don't get it when people don't want to get married when their partner does. If they have some big moral objection to the institution itself I suppose that's one thing.

But it it's just "nah, rather not..." I don't get it. DH and I do plenty of things for each other because the other feels strongly about them.

tribpot Tue 02-Apr-13 07:45:45

You seem to have made a lot of changes in your life for him. Why can't he do this for you?

It's important to you, you're not suggesting spending a bucket load of dosh on it, why on earth wouldn't he?

Lueji Tue 02-Apr-13 07:49:27

TBH, I think it should have been something to sort out before you lived together and had children, if it's that important to you.

He's not likely to change his mind just because you want it badly. Not now that you are already living with him and are "stuck" because of the children.
Unless you were prepared to leave him because of this. Even so, it could well spectacularly backfire on you.

Do you have any reason to think he'd not committed to the relationship?

If you don't get married, make sure you are financially protected should you split up.
On the other hand, if you don't get married, it's easier to just leave. No messy divorce.

Again, do you have any reason to think this is what he's thinking?

ajandjjmum Tue 02-Apr-13 07:54:41

If he won the lottery, and you could 'afford' the wedding you both want, would he marry you?

If the answer is yes, then compromise on both of your expectations - he should be prepared to do that if it's important to you.

Chandras Tue 02-Apr-13 08:07:09

As a divorced woman I can tell you is NOT just a paper! You are totally unprotected as a partner if you are not married. Yes if you split he will be asked to pay a small percentage of his income to support his kids and nothing else, but if you don't have a job you will soon find out that it is far from beingt enough to keep a roof over your heads. If he were to die you will loose access to some benefits and even if nothing untiward happens, how do you deal with the idea of him not caring enough for his family?

You are doing far more to stay in this relationship than he is, if he doesn't want to protect you and his family with marriage, you care about it, and he is just thinking about appearances... Well, it may be a good idea to put your dreams of a wedding to the side and start working in becoming financially independant from this man, so you are free to leave him if he is not being the partner that you thought he would be.

I'm with Karma, in this particular case the fact that he cares more about appearances than your feelings is a ver telling thing. :-(

scottishmummy Tue 02-Apr-13 08:59:29

No one can compel a partner to marry.no woman has right to marry because wants to
Instead of hoping for financial security,pension,allowance if split up from man make own provision
Women should Work to support self,not hope to marry for security,pension

racmun Tue 02-Apr-13 09:09:19

An ex partner told me in front of a fairly large group of friends that he didn't believe in marriage and we wouldn't be getting married! Ouch that hurt!!!

Anyway we subsequently broke up a year or so later and guess what he's now married.

He just didn't want to marry me and was never going to change his mind about marrying me.

If you want to be married which is perfectly reasonably btw have a frank discussion with him raising the issues of costs (as others have said) it doesn't need to cost a fortune. If he won't budge then you need to decide what is more important. If you stay together you may end up resenting him and feeling sad for ever more

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now