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Am I being a mug - supporting him when he won't support me?

(268 Posts)
Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:16:48

Hi, it's my first time here. Haven't got anyone to discuss this with and would appreciate some perspectives. It's complicated, but will try not to make it too long though you're welcome to ask anything you feel I've missed.
DP and I have been together for 4 years. I had a 2.5 year old when we met, we now have a 14 month old together. We were planning to move in together when I was pregnant as that's when our contracts on respective properties ran out. However, some extra debts from his marriage came to light and we couldn't afford to do so. When his contract ran out he moved into a room in a friends house which he doesn't pay for. He comes to visit for tea on work nights then sleeps at his friends, on nights off (generally 3 per week) he eats and sleeps here. He doesn't pay anything towards rent, food or bills here though he does pay maintenance towards our baby - though that's partly to reduce the CSA payment for his children from his marriage I suspect. All his money (around 40k salary) is going into paying off his debts.
He says that if he's being honest it'll be at least another 1.5/2 years before he can afford to move in with us. He would then like us to have another baby. I said that I wouldn't like a baby if I couldn't stay home with them for at least the first three years (personal preference) and he said that in that case we wouldn't be able to have another one as 'his wages wouldn't be enough to support us.' At the moment I do and pay for everything and think I'm being a mug for effectively supporting him to clear his debts when he isn't willing to support me in the future. Having another child isn't essential for me but it irritates me that I have far less money than 40k p/a yet it's ok for me to support him but he wouldn't do it for me.
Also, it's gone from having a baby together in a loving committed relationship where we were moving in together to him not living with us until our child is potentially almost 3.5 years old. Not to mention the fact this isn't good for either child, it means I do absolutely everything for them. I work from home and am also studying for a degree. Next year is my final year when I'll be doing my dissertation which is obviously a huge piece of work. Another student that's doing it this year said she's been in the library 4 days per week from 10am-11pm since September and still not finished. Youngest DD is difficult at night - she will only sleep if latched on so doing my university work is proving impossible. When I told DP how much work is involved next year he said he'd 'tell his mum to get DVD player fired up to entertain DD.' I just felt like screaming at him that it isn't his mums responsibility to have our DD (never mind the fact she never has, never offered and lives 1.5 hours away) that if he lived with us then he could do what normal partners do and help with the kids at night so I can work then. He's just done some work based exams which he got to study for every night interruption free as I have the kids yet I feel I could well fail the degree which I've invested my savings in and that is essential for my future career and for me to be able to provide for the kids. Not only that but if we reach the day where he moves in then things won't get easier for me as he won't know what to do with the kids/they'll want me.
I'm aware I'm ranting now so I'll stop there! Am I wrong to be feeling utterly pissed off at the situation?

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 16:57:52

She does like him, she just sees me as the committed parent to do school runs etc which is understandable. Just leaving younger DD with him at night isn't an option as she would scream the house down and wake elder DD - not fair that they're punished because he hasn't made the effort. Plus if he has her and she's crying he just paces with her (mostly near me) I can't concentrate and end up taking her. Understand what you're saying re: paying for child care but I don't feel I should be paying for what support he should be providing for free.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:00:06

He does play a part in family life - he comes along to school stuff, activities, trips etc. it's just still while I do/pay for everything though!

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:00:29

Amy, she sees him for what he is: a freeloading manchild who goes around procreating and then running off.

He's not going to 'help' you. He doesn't want to. Please understand that and plan on a future without this mooch.

I am confused as to how you can have two holidays booked without him paying?

Have you booked and paid for him then? Can I ask why you would do such a foolish thing?

Spongers like him will take whatever they can. You're a fool to be so freely giving him it all. Don't book him on your family holidays. Give him the details for him to book himself on.

Tell him now, if he wants to come on the holiday, he has to book his place himself.

ChunkyEasterChick Sat 23-Mar-13 17:01:30

But its not free childcare/support from him is it? You're paying for his food, somewhere to sleep & bringing up his child without him. Plus paying for holidays.

That seems like you've got all the disadvantages of having an au pair with none of the advantages (I.e doing the housework, helping with childcare etc).

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:02:15

Yes he could move in now but then he'd be paying less towards his debts.
He says DD won't settle in the house with him hence walking/driving

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:02:36

'He does play a part in family life - he comes along to school stuff, activities, trips etc. it's just still while I do/pay for everything though!'

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

He pays you lip service, gives you a sweetie now and then to keep you sweet.

He does no real childcare - I'll tell my mum to fire up the DVD player hmm - and comes over and loafs and sponges.

He had debts and loans. Why? Because he feels entitled to loaf off others and not pay.

Can you say, 'L-O-S-E-R?'

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:03:59

'Yes he could move in now but then he'd be paying less towards his debts.
He says DD won't settle in the house with him hence walking/driving '

Always an excuse, eh? What does he tell the friend about not paying for lodging there?

Amy, you've been had.

Lueji Sat 23-Mar-13 17:05:21

How does that work?
Because he's still be rent free and food shopping free.

What he actually means is that he doesn't want personal nor financial responsibility.

Or would you lose any benefits from being a single parent?

How big is this debt???

Amy I don't think he is playing a part in family life if he doesn't actually financially contribute to that family life.

And some of your excuses for why he doesn't do more don't really cut it.

Your DD doesn't want him to do the school run? Well, that is a temporary thing. If he just did it she would soon get used to it!

Same for your younger DD, she would soon settle with him at night if he regularly did it. Sounds like he doesn't want to though.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:06:44

Holidays- I said DD wants to go away for her birthday, can you get time off and would you like to come? He said yes, I booked it there and then as was in travel agents and he hasn't offered a penny nor will he. Really want to go abroad but DP has no holidays left. Was thinking of taking the girls alone to prove a point but then if I was struggling financially and he took the kids away without me I'd think he was an utter wanker so feel I can't do it to him.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:06:53

Why on EARTH would you want him to move in? You have enough on your plate already. You think he's going to move in and do his fair share and pay his own way? This man is a freeloader.

I agree with expat. You've been had.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:08:09

'He said yes, I booked it there and then as was in travel agents and he hasn't offered a penny nor will he. Really want to go abroad but DP has no holidays left. Was thinking of taking the girls alone to prove a point but then if I was struggling financially and he took the kids away without me I'd think he was an utter wanker so feel I can't do it to him. '

You're thinking like a mug. He isn't struggling financially! FFS, he does not pay rent or board!

McPheetStink Sat 23-Mar-13 17:08:19

I had a cocklodger for two years. He's now left me and his 8 month old daughter and moved his cock in to another womens house. He is a parasite, and sounds much like yours! I spent thousands on this wanker, and he pays not ONE penny towards his daughter. I still love the idiot though. But would love to smack him upside the head with a steel pan.

Please listen to the ladies advice.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:09:55

That's the thing, he can't regularly do nights with the younger DD because he isn't here enough. And I don't think it's fair for elder DD to be forced to accept him doing school runs -after all if he doesn't end up sticking around its better she keeps her distance a bit.

This is what life with a cocklodger is like.

He hit paydirt when he met you because he has been able to take full advantage of your kindness and naivety. He thinks you have MUG tattooed on your forehead. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated so shabbily, what on earth did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:12:19

Cocklodger. That's it.

I'd be beyond embarrassed if I were 40-years-old and sofa surfing because I was such a loser.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:12:30

But he has tens of thousands of pounds of debts. Yes he was a dick to get them, but if I had debts and he said 'never mind you not being able to afford a holiday, the kids and I are going anyway' I would think that was horrible.

You still haven't explained why exactly you didn't tell him to pay his own way for the holiday.

Why didn't you just get him to book it? And why haven't you asked for the money if you know he won't offer?

Why not just say "by the way you owe me blah blah for the holiday, can I have it by tomorrow please?"

EmpressMaud Sat 23-Mar-13 17:12:49

Afraid it does rather sound like you're being taken advantage of.

I'd ask him to contribute now, regardless and in full knowledge of any potential 'delay', he may not follow through and keep his promise of moving in after all.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:13:50

He's not even thirty yet!

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:14:31

'That's the thing, he can't regularly do nights with the younger DD because he isn't here enough. And I don't think it's fair for elder DD to be forced to accept him doing school runs -after all if he doesn't end up sticking around its better she keeps her distance a bit.'

It's not fair on her to have him in your life at all. Why? Because you're feeding him and lodging him for free with money that could be spent on her.

Amykins35 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:15:00

He'd pay for it if I asked, but then it'd mean longer til he moves in which isn't better for the kids or me.

expatinscotland Sat 23-Mar-13 17:15:11

He's not even 30 and he's like this already? Amy, he is cocklodging and you are being a mug.

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