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It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

(194 Posts)

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

Madeleine10 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:29:59

In your discussion on Sat night, did you mention the strange text at all, SNH?

I guess it's increasingly irrelevant now, given the general state of your marriage.

FWIW I agree completely with AF, regarding both the other night and his current behaviour and motivation. I'm so sorry you are so sad, it's a horrible place to be in- unhappy at home, but fearful of the future, understandably. In my experience , though, when things are this bad, the only way is up for you and your daughter, and usually without the man who is causing you the grief.

It's a very, very, VERY hard place to be, but you have your whole life in front of you - like others I would be concerned that your fear of a failed marriage at 26 will end up with a failed marriage years down the line, and regret at the wasted years on top of that.

I'm not advising you to up and leave right now, but I think you need to arm yourself with information as to practicalities, just in case. When you have all the info regarding finances and entitlements the idea of leaving can seem far less scary .

Snazzynewyear Mon 18-Feb-13 21:57:12

Whether they are IT geniuses or not, people slip up through human error. That's what's already happened. If he's still up to things he shouldn't be, he will slip up again, so at the very least I would just keep a sharp eye out. Beyond that, you need to think more seriously about your options. A failed marriage at 26 may not be anyone's dream but neither is feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage at 26, is it?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't judge anyone that did snoop, but it's not for me.
My ex had key loggers on my pc, checked my phone daily etc, it was souls destroying. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that to someone else, even if he they is were an arse smile

KnittedCharacter Mon 18-Feb-13 21:48:36

I agree with not snooping. i have never done it. not even tempted to

MidnightMasquerader Mon 18-Feb-13 20:54:03

I respect the no snooping thing, personally.

If this is going to unravel, it will do so regardless of whether Nappy has a squizz through his phone or not. Likewise, if he realises the error of his ways and turns into a decent, caring, kind person, the snooping won't have helped any.

I'm not judging anyone who does snoop as I've never been in a position to have to, but if Nappy doesn't want to, ultimately, it's neither here nor there. Besides, yer man seems perfectly capable of tripping himself up; he doesn't need any help. smile

No real update as of yet- discussed how I feel on Saturday night, obviously too early to tell what my next move is.
Thank you all for the advice and support, I appreciate it all.
Yes, I'll still have Internet access, we have a laptop and I usually use my phone anyway smile
He's never tried to isolate me (I know that's a huge red flag so just wanted to clear that bit up) and encourages my social life.
I don't want to snoop, it's not me. I understand that may seem stupid to some people, but it's just not something I could bring myself to do.

Dozer Mon 18-Feb-13 20:10:55

Why are you not doing some snooping OP? He may work in IT, but he'd need to be pretty diligent to cover all tracks, delete all texts etc.

SweetSeraphim Mon 18-Feb-13 18:45:16

Any update OP?

Herrena Sun 17-Feb-13 11:04:12

madbuslady because to date, the spouse has backed down from actually doing anything about it. Given the right encouragement she could get up and kick him out, which would disrupt his nice comfortable life.

Also, I suspect that he doesn't give a shit about the op (sorry sad ) but does give a shit about the opinion of others. Nasty bullies are often like that.

MadBusLady Sun 17-Feb-13 10:17:43

I don't really see what difference it makes even if he is reading. Facts are still the same. He's still been acting like a twunt. Whether or not he stops acting like one is for Scented to monitor.

Though her hopeful monitoring has been going on for some time now, so it's not clear to me that reading this thread would make any difference to him anyway. If you're not going to change your behaviour when your spouse tells you you're making them unhappy, why should a bunch of strangers on the internet have any impact?

He is in IT hmm

maybe change your password

TwllBach Sun 17-Feb-13 09:05:52

OP it's difficult to tally what other posters are saying with the man that you love/loved. It's very easy to think to yourself "they're right, if it was anyone else but him, of course they'd be right but they don't know him." I thought the same.

Unfortunately, they do know him. One of the most valuable things I've ever read in MN is that men like him work from a script. It's the same script for every man and it rarely changes. If you find that someone is reading from that script, nine times out of ten, they're the main character in the play.

Loonytoonie Sun 17-Feb-13 05:44:18

OP he's following this thread, that's my bet. He is selling the PC to close you down. sad

He can read what you're being told. He can see which way you're starting to think and he's trying to out manoeuvre you.

leadinglady Sun 17-Feb-13 00:00:09

Scented, I think your DH was dumped by OW last night hence coming home early and then the nicey nicey attitude out of the blue. I really would snoop around, check his bookmark and history on his computer, can you get his phone whilst he is sleeping.

I have not read your other post but get the generally idea that you've already given him many chances. Do you still love him? Btw If he is having sex with someone else and also having sex with you can you be sure that he is being safe with OW!!

ImperialBlether England Sat 16-Feb-13 19:48:31

The pc doesn't seem to be the OP's only way of going online, because she typed on here that he was arranging the sale at the same moment. I agree, though, that it seems a dodgy thing to do right now.

MidnightMasquerader Sat 16-Feb-13 19:21:06

He really thinks you came down in the last shower, doesn't he? sad

I know it sounds awfully harsh, but AF is right - he loses respect for you, the longer this continues.

And needless to say, you're no doubt losing respect for him, too.

BigBoPeep Sat 16-Feb-13 19:14:59

I'm profoundly shocked at the 'im making changes but not discussing them with you' thing tbh - what a patronising fucker. Get him binned! Your daughter does not need that example of how women are treated sad

Iteotwawki Sat 16-Feb-13 18:54:59

I normally don't comment in Relationships because a) others say it all so much better and b) I post sporadically so can't be ongoing source of support.

However I read one comment and wanted to reassure you - I know you don't want a failed marriage at 26. I didn't want one in my early 20s either, but when my then H essentially made me choose between fulfilling a lifelong dream (was partway through my studies when we married) or being his wife at home with children ... I chose the studies and he kicked me out. At 4am.

Obviously more backstory, but the marriage was over within 2 years. Stayed single for a long time after that but met now DH and couldn't be happier. A failed marriage at 26 is better than struggling until you're 36. That's 10 years of bringing your dd up in atmosphere and 10 years of her forming her ideals of normal relationships from observing you and her father.

Completely agree with pancake comment! smile

Oh and from what little lurking I have done over here - AF normally speaks volumes of wisdom in few phrases.

MidnightMasquerader Sat 16-Feb-13 18:50:42

What I mean is - the selling of the PC is highly suspicious, and he's trying to cover his tracks AND make himself look like the good guy by putting the 'positive changes' spin on it...

MidnightMasquerader Sat 16-Feb-13 18:48:34

I'm guessing selling the PC is one of the changes 'he hopes you will notice' and 'see as positive'.

What a load of old bull that he is intending to do these things, but won't discuss what they are with you. The blindingly obvious reason for that is so that you can't call him on a single thing when he inevitably doesn't do them. But it sounds like he's making a massive effort, without having to do anything.

Please reassure us that you have other means to access the Internet, than just the PC.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 16-Feb-13 18:31:56

I would listen to AF. sad

If he works in IT then he probably IS reading your thread and getting info on what you are thinking hence the change in attitude - sat reading it while you were in bed possibly.

KnittedCharacter Sat 16-Feb-13 17:53:53

sounds like he is shittin himself he may be discovered hence the selling of his pc.

kalidanger Sat 16-Feb-13 17:19:55

Here's me laying down my possibly totally wrong thing that's popped into my head again; PC games have chats too. One can join a team (I'm sure you know this, OP) and privately chat alongside/during the game play. Maybe he's met someone on a game, been seeing them, got a shock last night at his 'clumsiness' with that text. He didn't turn up at her house last night, as promised, been fleetingly dumped and is panicking - and you only have to look at the 'help me I'm trying to stop seeing someone I shouldn't!' threads to know how loopy that makes people.

Basically, I agree that selling the PC is v suspicious and, frankly, a fight or flight response to a fuck up.

AnyFucker Germany Sat 16-Feb-13 17:10:42

Is the pc he is getting shut of your only method of getting on t'internet ?

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