Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Wed 09-Jan-13 18:20:03

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!


Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

foolonthehill Wed 09-Jan-13 18:21:17

and as if by magic.......

Cheers fool!

arthriticfingers Wed 09-Jan-13 18:22:35

yey Fool round of applause smile

foolonthehill Wed 09-Jan-13 18:30:02

just proves I actually don't have a life.......

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 09-Jan-13 18:47:22

yay, fool and hello fingers

arthriticfingers Wed 09-Jan-13 18:48:55

Hey silver smile

TisILeclerc Wed 09-Jan-13 19:54:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessFionne Wed 09-Jan-13 20:02:49

phew! <waving hi to all>

NiniLegsInTheAir Wed 09-Jan-13 20:12:57

Hi everyone smile

Waiting to hear if NSDH has got the job I really don't want him to get. Studying still ongoing, Tuesday's exam is looming large now. Not feeling confident at all. If I fail again I don't know what I'll do.

I find new threads quite depressing personally. Just another reminder of how little has changed since I came here. The amount of this threads in my 'I'm Watching' list is mounting up. hmm But still, thanks to Fool for kicking us off again!

PrincessFionne Wed 09-Jan-13 21:22:15

just popping in to give fellow study support to you Nini Keep going. Its harder on your own struggling along.. I'm actually now in bed in the dark trying to get my essay assessment finished and might be all night. I figured up here I can concentrate with quick breaks on here! wishing I was in Silver 's mediTation room tho clearing my head of it all! take care xx

CharlotteCollinsislost Wed 09-Jan-13 21:24:27

Yay, new thread!

In awe of your painkiller-free dentist trip, Leclerc! You asked what my plan is now... Good question. I'm staying put and trying to make the best of it while I wait for an idea about what to do next. I feel completely lost all of a sudden, like every possibility is a bad one. I'm back to hoping he dies, which is a pretty shit way to be thinking, especially as I don't hate him, just hate being trapped with him.

And to think I thought I'd be changing my nn to something more positive about now! The double blow of emotionally-charged conversation and escape route disappearing seems to have knocked me off course rather! Aiming for nothing more than survival for the moment...

charlotte, your escape route hasn't quite disappeared. He may well need you to commit for 4 months, but you by no means have to. He is attempting to isolate you in a way I understand, as my FW 18mths ago was trying to get me to agree to emigrate to an island in a French estuary! Not sure if he could have got me more physically isolated and dependent on him if he'd tried. I only managed to veto that after returning home after I'd been shoved over.
You must resist this and continue to plan as you were before. Nothing else apart from his gradual realisation that you might actually do something about his behaviour has changed.

ponygirlchristmas Wed 09-Jan-13 21:44:20

hurray for fool thanks

Leclerc, I am the same, I've had a couple of dental procedures without anaesthetic because I hate the thought of needles in my mouth. Nowhere else, am an ardent 'Give blood' er, just in my mouth.

Glad you've had a talk re DD1. That's a hard one though. Does it feel as if she's deliberately underperforming? Is that what your thought is about it or is it something different?

ponygirlchristmas Wed 09-Jan-13 22:00:12

I've seen FW now. I'd say I was not sure how I felt, but since there's wine and choc on the go after several days of being good, I guess that speaks for itself...

So initial handover was less than 15secs, as usual. However when I picked DS2 up (ie on my time), he started trying to initiate conversation. Started talking about the stuff in the house, and when I said I'd happily come in and clear stuff myself, within a minute he was saying that me coming into the house was 'inappropriate' and was threatening to change the locks! I told him he couldn't do that, he said he could, but then backed down. Then blah blah, and 'we can't get divorced till May'. Which i knew. But hearing him say the 'D' word to me so calmly just blew me away. I've been a wreck all night, been so short with DS1 and just v down. sad

sad pony. I know what you mean. I was scared to mention the 'd' word with him, but once I did it was like some kind of invisible barrier had been knocked down. You know this is what you want though. Is it like the thought of him being so accepting is more hurtful to you in a way?
Try and say to yourself that he is complying with what you want. Easier said than done, I know.

ponygirlchristmas Wed 09-Jan-13 22:31:53

I think so Matchsticks. I guess it's the thought that I can be discarded from his life (and my son, his stepson, who he no longer wants to see) so easily, without any real thought or apparent discomfort. I'm the one who has been wronged here, and yet I've got to pretend like it's all an equal playing field and we're both just 'divorcing each other' in My as he says.

I don't know why this all bother me so much. But it does. I feel like shit tonight. sadwine

Because we all feel the injustice of it I think. Although it makes no difference, I want him to realise how unreasonable he's been and how awful he has made me feel. You might feel the same?

ponygirlchristmas Wed 09-Jan-13 22:47:45

Yes, Yes, and double Yes!!!!

PrincessFionne Wed 09-Jan-13 22:53:35

its a sad realisation Pony - I'm sorry - enjoy your wine and choc treat and nurture yourself honey.

PrincessFionne Wed 09-Jan-13 22:54:49

.... but a huge hurdle leapt!... wink

doingtwelvethingsatonce Wed 09-Jan-13 23:16:46

Matchsticks - yes, I think that's a reasonable thing to want. It's certainly something that's gone through my mind a lot.

I've had an interesting 48 hours. H and I had a long talk the other night, and I went to sleep eventually thinking he just didn't understand what I was saying to him. But yesterday and today he has been pretty pleasant (which always unnerves me) and not in a "ticking time bomb" way IYSWIM. He did some of the housework while I was working on some other household stuff. He hasn't been defensive. He had a few slips where he started raising his voice, but when I pointed it out, he immediately lowered his voice again and apologised. No excuses (you know, those "I'm tired/ill/stressed/it's a day ending with y/you were winding me up" comments). Just "I'm sorry" and lowered voice. Calmer dealings with children. In fact, he actually put into practice two different methods I've mentioned recently about how to handle particular stressful situations with our toddler (and then afterwards seemed pleased that it worked and talked to me about it).

I'm still being cautious, but watching with interest. I know, two days is nothing. (but it's more than he's managed in two years of this) But he was actually playing and singing with the children this morning, without being asked to spend time with them. I'm curious to see where it leads and what it means. At least if it all turns back around and falls spectacularly to shit, it's been a couple less stressful days for me to regroup mentally.

MaggieMay05 Thu 10-Jan-13 00:03:04

Evening ladies! Just checking in...thank you Fool you are amazeballs!!!

Enjoyed a lovely day full of fwerty here (yawn) more expected tomorrow no doubt. Apart from the usual evil rubbish thrown at me he also advised me that the nursery nurses at DDs nursery are STILL "looking at him" and of course must be my fault. How very dare them!! probably thinking what a complete nobhead he is

Back on friday when he buggers off back to work. Thinking of you all smile

TryBreatheTwinkleFly Thu 10-Jan-13 00:20:17

fool thanks for new thread smile I felt quite panicky when I got to old one and it was closed shock

Pony so sorry he is effing with your head again and leaving you feeling distraught. You drink your wine honey (and I'm selflessly having one with you, cheers wink ) It sounds like he has seen that you're detached and getting further away, and his only "punishment" that he thinks might hurt you is to be even more detached andx "show he doesn't care". But you can bet your bottom dollar he does. Just thank God you're out of it and healing slowly but surely.

Charlotte just trea water till he's gone on his trip, lovey. Then let your brain clear from fw inflicted fog - we'll help you grin

nini hello, nice to chat again <hugs>

And hello and <hugs> to everyone else smile

Well, in my news - my higher (gulp gulp) offer was accepted... I have put down a substantial (for me) deposit (gulp, gulp). I have worked out skeleton furniture plan (not literally girls, fw is still alive and kicking wink ), plus am mentally earmarking all small items from here (lamps, small tables) that he never notices because I change furniture around a lot and we rotate stuff a bit, some in garage etc, plus he is the most unnoticing person in the world, I could shave my hair off and he would barely blink) Flat is available Feb 8th (more gulps and shock ) - feck, am I really doing this????????? I need gentle shoves and pushes grin

TryBreatheTwinkleFly Thu 10-Jan-13 00:22:31

maggie "see" you on Friday, love xxx

This thread is not accepting new messages.