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Found myself in a terrible situation, need advice

(263 Posts)
Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 20:19:47

I started this in lone parents and have just moved it on other posters' advice to here. I have pasted what I originally wrote below but now the initial shock has worn off I really don't know what to do. Is it a totally stupid thing to even consider seeing if we can get through this with counselling? Am I a mug for even thinking it? He is at home now and life seems so normal. The DCs are so happy to have him here and I am feeling guilty for even thinking of breaking up the family even though I have done nothing wrong. Anyone else got any experience?......

I married my partner of almost eight years two months ago, after two children and being engaged for five years.

Three days ago I snooped on his mobile phone, something I have never done before as I have always believed in trust and privacy. But something, whether it was intuition or sixth sense made me check and I thought it would just give me piece of mind. Instead what I uncovered was truly awful and now I am in a horrible predicament and struggling to decide what to do.

I discovered that not only was he having an affair, she is three months pregnant with his child. Ironically it was on our two month anniversary I discovered this and means he was seeing her just before we got married.

I was so shocked I just logged off instantly and then had to act all normal before he went to work. I was in bits all day and as soon as he got home and went to change I checked again. Unfortunately he had deleted everything. Later that night when I couldn't sleep I got up to check again and there were a whole load more text messages where it gets even worse. Not only is having an affair it has been going on for two years! On top of that he is giving her money for a flat, talks of me as a mistake, only staying with me for the sake of the kids, has left twice and gone back etc etc. It's all very me me me and how he has been distraught about it all. You get the gist.

I gleaned from all these messages which I took the liberty of photographing with my phone for proof that he only broke it off with her a few days before the wedding and of course she then revealed the pregnancy and now it is all back on they are "rekindling" and "in Love" his words not mine.

I have been checking his phone each night (he doesn't realise I know the password) when he is asleep and I can't sleep. I have found so many more incriminating messages written in the last couple of days and the worst of it was last night I discovered quite by accident that he is not only seeing this woman but he was lining up a far more casual meeting with another woman for two week's time who he has clearly slept with before!!! So not only is he cheating on me he is cheating on her. There is a small amount of satisfaction in that for me as she knows about me and the children and doesn't give two hoots but he is clearly being awful to her too.

I was distraught the first few days, have been physically sick, unable to eat and generally in pieces. I married him because I loved him and genuinely wanted to spend my life with him. He clearly is a duplicitous b***tard who I hope rots in hell. Now I am really really angry. I have an appointment with a family lawyer next week and have held off confronting him until I gather even more evidence and see the solicitor.

I am really really worried though as although he has never deprived me of money he has always been really cagey about it. He is already divorced and has a daughter who he has had to fight through courts to see. I am now wondering if the story about his ex-wife is all lies now too. A lot of the debts are in my name unfortunately and he has never bothered to get his statements sent her, they always go to his mum's house and I think he has shredded a lot of them. Naive you might say as when I entered the relationship I had a good job, very little debt but I trusted him implicitly, we had two children together, we agreed I would stay home to raised them and of course we were engaged to be married.

I am really worried he will leave us in the lurch I hope not but I just don't know. I know I am torturing myself with all of this and until I confront him and see a solicitor it is all supposition but does anyone have similar experience????

I just can't believe the level of his deceit. I never saw this coming not in a million years and I can't believe the man I stood in front of all our friends and family and said vows with was carrying on like this behind my back. I am heartbroken but mostly I feel so sorry for our children. Through no fault of their own they are now going to be the product of a broken family and weekend father.

It's all so depressing. Just want some moral support

I would try to get hold of any finance related paperwork that you can. Do you go round to his mums at all? Could you find anything there? You've been engaged 5 years and he's never let you in to the finances or re-directed his statements - I'm betting there is a TON of stuff you don't know. Could be good, could be bad.
See a solicitor and follow their advice. DO NOT look back. Very painfully you discovered your husband is a total shit. That's not your fault. You didn't cause this. Get out, get away and get as much security as you can but don't like back. There's no going on with somebody after that scale of betrayal.

expatinscotland Fri 09-Nov-12 20:29:30

I'm so sorry, Lasaucisse1978. You will get through this!

CurlyBoo Fri 09-Nov-12 20:36:40

I am so very very sorry for you. What you are going through is truly horrendous and your husband is treating you appallingly. I am not surprised you are in pieces. I do not have experience in this situation thank god so I can offer no words of advice but in huge sympathy, you will get through this eventually, although I am sure the wounds will take a long time to heal. You are a mother and therefore you have inner strength that will pull you through. Thinking of you. Xx

TheReturnOfBridezilla Fri 09-Nov-12 20:36:51

So, so sorry to hear this.

Do you know what I would do tonight? Forward one of the messages to the other other woman to the other woman from his phone. One that makes it obvious he is planning to meet someone other than her iyswim. Wait for the shit to hit the fan there. Make things as difficult as possible for him. And then plan, plan, plan for yourself in the meantime. What are your thoughts?

ImperialBlether England Fri 09-Nov-12 20:52:27

What a horrible situation, OP.

What's the money situation like? You don't seem to know about his money as he's paying that woman. I would be onto that issue now before telling him you know. Play it very carefully now and look out for yourself. If he has any money I'd be using it to pay off those debts before dumping him.

clam Fri 09-Nov-12 20:59:41

Sorry to bring this up, but you're going to need to get yourself checked for any possibl sti's.

Xales Fri 09-Nov-12 21:05:30

First thing I would say is as at least one of the other women he has been shagging is pregnant chances are he has taken no precautions and please get yourself to an STI clinic asap for a full screening sad

The pregnant OW is clearly being fed bullshit as he is also screwing around with at least a third woman! Tough shit on her as she know about you she is certainly reaping what she has sewn.

Play it as cool as you can and as everyone else says get all the information and kick him where it hurts.

Once you are prepared to make your move, tell everyone you need to and use all the support they have to offer you!

Personally I don't you should be tempted to think this can be repaired. You know of at least 2 women he has cheated with, one over the time he was vowing to love, honor and whatever else you, holding your hand, looking into your eyes and declaring himself to you. All the time doing this behind your back.

He is not your friend, do not trust him an inch!

Good luck we are here to hold your hand.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 22:04:43

I was starting to feel sympathy because the kids were so happy to see him but then had a quick check of his phone while he was upstairs and saw another couple of messages saying "Just wanted to tell you I love you" and her saying "I love you back" and basically sympathy evaporated again. I just feel so numb right now - the shock has worn off and it has just been replaced by nothing right now. I am sure that will change as my emotions are like a rollercoaster right now.

Imperialblether I am trying to gather evidence, having never been one to snoop I am now getting rather good at it. I checked his briefcase earlier and found some bank statements he picked up from his mum so when he is out tomorrow I am going to steam them open and copy them. I know it seems naive now not to ask more about money but I loved and trusted him and he had never not given me money when I needed it. It is only in the last few months he has got more funny about it, getting cross when I asked for more money for certain bills, no doubt because he is under pressure to pay for other stuff as well. I don't know if he has actually given this woman money but he is certainly planning to - she sent him a list of all the things she sodding well expects!!! Believe me he is not short of cash, he earns an awful lot of money but he has got a lot tighter with it lately splashing it on himself but having a go at me for the smallest of financial things. I always put his reticence for anything joint down to the issues with his ex wife who screwed him over and trusted him implicitly. Now I wonder if any of that were true and if it were, why on earth would he want to go through another messy costly divorce???

thereturnofbridezilla - And as for her I am tempted to email her along the lines of you have screwed up my life without a care for me or my children so I am going to screw with yours etc etc. What a bitch though I take a small comfort from knowing he is lying to her as much as me - he was saying all this stuff about going back to the docs for more happy pills and he can't drive because of the meds he is on. Really? News to me, he has just bought himself a new motorbike and was happily driving his car a few hours ago. F88king liar. I have password protected my phone and computer now and even if he did crack them, all the evidence I have gathered so far is buried deep with in folders and sub-folder and in French so it would take him forever to find it. Two can play that game.

The STI thing scares the hell out of me and I am not looking forward to going into the clinic and having to go through all that through no fault of my own. I really hope everything is okay because as you say Xales I can't imagine he was particularly careful about precautions.

Ultimately part of me wants to confront him straight away, the emotional part, and call him all the names under the sun and kick him out but the logical me wants to get even and ensure my DCs are okay in all this and a small part of me, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, is thinking that with counselling we might get through it which prob makes me a total mug. I am still struggling with the duplicity of it all - I can't believe the sheer level of betrayal and why on earth did he go through with a big showy wedding (his wants not mine) if this was all going on??? I really think I have unfortunately ended up with someone who you read about in women's mags who led a double life with two families - he genuinely wants his cake and to eat it and never banked on me finding out. What a complete tosser.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 22:05:28

P.s. I have not been on mumsnet for long but it is nice to know there are lots of you offering support. It is a real comfort. xxx

Helltotheno Fri 09-Nov-12 22:28:27

OP obviously it's early days for you so you're still at the stage where you think this is salvageable ... but it's just not, not under any possible circumstances, and deep down, hopefully you know that. He is nothing but an arse, your life will NOT be enhanced by this man.

Also don't bother emailing the other women: HE screwed up your life, not them. Other women are two a penny. HE did this to you, don't make excuses for him. Don't even waste your time getting into a tit for tat with a bunch of people you don't know because basically, they'll get theirs in time.

Are you still working or can you get back to your job? I agree with everyone. Just gather all the info you can for your own protection set the wheels in motion to get him out of your life.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 23:07:40

I'm shaking as I type this, he went to bed early and I checked his phone again even though I said I wouldn't, it just gets worse and worse. He says in messages that they planned twice for him to leave me and the girls and then she pulled the plug at the last minute. He talks about how depressed he is, how he is not earning money, seeing a counsellor and had to be committed to hospital the other week to cope, only being let out because his friend agreed to look after him. The man is a fucking fantasist!! Because as far as I am aware he is earning perfectly well, business is really good, his best friend is my new business partner and away on business and last week we were in Rome on holiday!

He also says he doesn't care whether I find out or not. Well bit too late for that and I am certainly going to let him know soon. The miserable bastard. What a c**t and I never use that word to describe someone. The man is a stranger to me. You are right helltotheno, there is no way back from this. He even has the nerve to tell her he is suicidal and made provision for her and their child in his will in case he tops himself!!! The worst thing, he talks about saying to her she can explain to our children why she did what she did and forced him into it. The nerve of the man, how about he talks to our children and explains why they have a total shit for a father.

I am only freelancing at the moment and don't earn much money - he always said you stay at home and raise the kids, I'll worry about "bringing home the bacon" . I think I could get back to full time work relatively easily and still do freelance stuff in evenings though it would probably be at a much lower pay grade than before and we have such large outgoings that I don't think I could cover them all. Terrified he will leave me financially in the lurch. Though it would be a big adjustment for my DCs especially my youngest who is still in nursery - she'd have to go full time, I would make it work somehow if he did, I'd have to. Fortunately my family live close by and my parents have said I can move back in. Slightly humiliating for a 34yo but they adore the grandchildren and I know they would help.

this is all such a mess. Two months ago I was on honeymoon truly believing I had married the man of my dreams and we would grow old together. Jesus.

MajesticWhine Fri 09-Nov-12 23:14:02

So sorry you are going through this. But in a way, a good thing that you have discovered the truth about him. What a total arse. You will be so well rid of him. You are doing the smart thing by gathering all the information you can. Get proof of his salary, all income and outgoings. There might be other bank accounts or savings. Hope you get the financial advice you need and can get rid of him soon. Even if the financial side of things is difficult, you have got earning ability and support around you, so you will be much better off in the long term without him.

Helltotheno Fri 09-Nov-12 23:17:59

What an absolute twunt. It's best if you hold off a little longer before ripping him a new one kicking his ass out the door. D'you think he's leaving his phone easy to find so you'll find out? Sounds like he's not bothered.
Tell some RL people who'll support you, looks as though you've told your parents already.

I would say kick his ass out when the time comes, and don't engage with him at all except when it comes to the kids.

skyebluesapphire Fri 09-Nov-12 23:22:58

Sorry to be reading this. He obviously didnt want OW to know he was on holiday with you did he? Doesn't quite fit with I'm only there for the kids...

Your H has betrayed you hugely. If you have the nerve then try and find out financial information.

Ring working tax credits and find out what you would be entitled to if you were on your own.

Then when you are ready, strike first and kick him out. Give yourself some space from him.

Lasaucisse1978 Fri 09-Nov-12 23:32:08

I have to go to bed and lie beside him. It makes me feel sick. He was even suggesting a BJ earlier, thank god I managed to avoid that.

He is totally normal in every regard otherwise -still telling me he loves me, still being affectionate and talking about what we are going to do down the line, retirement etc. If I hadn't seen those texts I would never have guessed in a million years this was going on. His phone is password protected but I don't think he knows i know the password. I get the impression that because this has been going on so long and I didn't suspect a thing he has got very blase about it. But then why would I suspect? We just got sodding married, spent thousands of pounds doing it in front of friends and family, planning it for a year!! Worst of all the baby was PLANNED. It wasn't an accident, they mutually agreed to have one together. He told me he didn't want anymore, was too old for it. How fucked up is that? It is just too awful to contemplate.

Gelsa Fri 09-Nov-12 23:36:57

Lasauclisse1978- I think you should cont to gather as much info as possible and do not let on to anyone what is going on, even this other woman as much as you may like because he will then know whom it has come from.
Think of your lovely children and be strong for them. Have you confided in anyone re this?

best of luck.xx

skyebluesapphire Fri 09-Nov-12 23:37:27

I'm so sorry for you. Please do everything you can to avoid any sexual activity with him, headache or whatever it takes...

Men are shits. . My STBXH came back for six weeks and was very loving and affectionate all that time making me think everything was ok when in reality he was texting OW all day every day.

Your H is trying to act normal to put you off the scent. He is a prize prick and I'm so sorry you are going through this

olgaga Fri 09-Nov-12 23:46:45

Feel for your OP. Pleased you have arranged to see a family lawyer. Get into gear by reading up on it all - not all of this will apply to you, but hopefully you will find it useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
https://www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
https://www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
https://www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
https://www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break – if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

Lavenderhoney Sat 10-Nov-12 03:47:51

Your situation is horrible, I feel sorry for you and your dc. I agree with you not to do anything until you have collated paperwork, but he might suspect something in the meantime with you sneaking about looking in briefcases- unless you are ex-mi5- and discuss it with ow and make the situation move faster than you want- Christmas is coming too and he will be under pressure to leave you. So try to do it as fast as you can. List all the bills he pays if you can't get access to his statements so someone can see where banking is, stockpile cash, cash back when you do a weekly shop and open an account with no papers statements to put money in. If he asks you what you want for Christmas say diamonds or something you can sell on easily, as it sounds like he can afford it. But how come there is debt?

Was thinking, why are debts in your name, but all bank statements go to his mum? Did you have a business together?

How awful for you, very restrained, I would want to throw him out instantly, but I feel your time will come.

NervousAt20 Sat 10-Nov-12 04:21:58

OMG you poor poor women I'm so sorry your going through something like this its awful!! What a horrible basturd! Make sure you see your lawyer and go from there try and protex yourself as well as youcan then kick the fucker out

Take care of yourself x x

FellatioNelson Sat 10-Nov-12 04:24:38

You have been given so much excellent advice already I don't really have anything to add but I just want to send you some love and strength - this is just beyond awful. I had a friend who had a very similar situation, pregnant OW, her H funding the flat etc, and it was horrific watching her uncover all the details and trying to deal with it.

My only advice would be to stay calm and don't do anything rash just yet. Use this time to gather as much against this nasty cowardly fucker as you can - go to a private detective if you have to. Once he knows you know he will do everything he can to make it sound as though she was just a fling who got PG and now won't leave him alone, and it's really you he loves. The more hard evidence you have as to the extent of this affair the better. And take the bastard for everything you can get. And once you are ready to tell him, I think I would pay her a little calm and dignified visit first. Let her be the one to tell him that you know. And you can hand her a couple of suitcases of his stuff while you are at it. And perhaps a copy of your wedding video. And show her the texts to other women. Better still wait until he's actually had a chance to meet up with them. Ask her if she feels just a little bit stupid and desperate knowing she's chosen to have a child with a man who can do this to the mother of the children he already? And a man who values her so little that he will marry someone else whilst deliberately impregnating her. Then tell her she is welcome to him, and wish her luck because she will need it.

But stay calm. Be dignified. No ranting, name calling etc. Cold, calm, businesslike, dignified, determined is the way to go here. That will be the thing that makes him squirm the most.

Mimishimi Sat 10-Nov-12 04:28:10

Have you talked to his ex-wife? It might be worthwhile finding out where she is and having a chat with her. Did he leave her for you?

Pickles77 Sat 10-Nov-12 06:06:47

I just wanted to add a hand to hold and some support smile

Astelia Sat 10-Nov-12 07:06:55

Another one adding support and a shoulder to lean on. He has certainly deceived a lot of people or has woven a spell over them. He tells lies upon lies, so don't trust him an inch and gather all the evidence you can.

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