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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive question about H

709 replies

ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 11:52

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

Blush in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 14/03/2012 11:56

This used to happen to me too. It is profoundly disrespectful of you as a person, and in the true legal sense is rape. For me it was part of a totally disrespectful and abusive relationship.

if this is all that is wrong then you need to have a talk about respect, boundaries and so on. But your post implies there is more....

jenny60 · 14/03/2012 11:57

How horrible. I am so sorry, but this is rape and of course you felt violated Angry

Have you talked about this with him in the past? Has he tried to explain himself?

Please talk this through as much as like here. Many of us are listening. So sorry. Sad

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 12:02

That's the word I was dreading. I know it my heart it was but my head keeps telling me I'm over reacting.

When I talk to him about it he seems shocked and remorseful. He often just looks bewildered and keeps saying "yes, you're right. I'm sorry". He always seem genuinely sorry. But then it happens again.

OP posts:
JamRagRolyPoly · 14/03/2012 12:04

How horrible. He used you like a piece of meat to have sex with. Sorry thus happened. I would talk to him about how it made you feel before he makes a habit of it.

WaitingForMe · 14/03/2012 12:04

My ex had the condition where this happened when he was asleep. He was an abusive twunt in plenty of ways but I believed him with this. Does your DH have vivid dreams/sleepwalk?

I felt violated and it was horrible because DH wasn't really to blame. You have my sympathies.

Article here covering the issue: Linky

Obviously if he's actually awake then leave the bastard etc etc

ChickensHaveNoLips · 14/03/2012 12:05

Then he isn't sorry. So stop being mildly angry with him, and think about boundaries. Don't talk to him about it, tell him straight out he's a rapist. Look him in the eye when you do so. His reaction will tell you a lot, I think. It's YOUR body, YOUR vagina, and he has no 'right' to it just because he fancies sex.

JamRagRolyPoly · 14/03/2012 12:06

X-post w op, "he seems sorry but does it again" WTF?!

I'd get out of there

foolonthehill · 14/03/2012 12:12

so he's not sorry because he hasn't stopped.

(the sleep sex defence did not spring to his lips the first time...so he wasn't asleep and clearly remembered!!).

Sad

what else op

DinahMoHum · 14/03/2012 12:15

eurgh, in the context of the rest of it, it sounds horrible.

its not for anyone else to tell you what to do though. It does sound a very weird situation, and if its happened before and he already knew you didnt like it, but did it again several times its even worse. Its not like he was trying to wake you for some fun, or anything that could be seen as nice. Just sounds weird.

I wouldnt be happy about it

mojitomania · 14/03/2012 12:18

How awful for you op. I do hope this time it will be the deciding factor to get away from him.

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 12:33

He says he is just trying to see if I'm in the mood and wake me up. I guess he thinks that once he sees Im awake then I willing but I just don't have chance to realise what is happening.

He doesn't have vivid dreams and has never walked in his sleep.

This looks do bad written down but I have a huge problem relating it to me if that makes sense.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 14/03/2012 12:38

makes complete sense.....

to relate it to you and your relationship opens a huge can of worms.

You don't need to tell us obviously but this act (rape) is probably not isolated from other ways that he treats you

PullUpAPew · 14/03/2012 12:40

I think to look at it logically though, even if he says 'he is trying to see if I'm in the mood' - if you are asleep then it is sexual assault to try to get you in the mood in the first place, and if you haven't given consent for sex it is rape, even if you are technically awake.

I feel horrible talking about this so baldly, but I think you need to see that his words on the subject are pretty much irrelevant, what matters are your feelings and the reality, which is that he is not seeking your consent, participation, enjoyment.

I am so sorry. I can understand having a problem relating to it, maybe you should talk to a qualified counsellor about it as they might be able to help you get your thoughts clearer?

sparkle12mar08 · 14/03/2012 12:42

You've been raped and on multiple occasions. It will take a lot of working through in your head and your heart. But in the meantime, please carry on making your plans to leave, and fast. You are married to a rapist, and he will do it again. I'm so sorry for you OP. There are some very wise women here who can help and guide you during this horrendously difficult time.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:44

Your husband is raping you

That is it...in black and white

he isn't going to stop either

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:45

I recommend you contact Rape Crisis and/or Women's Aid

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 12:45

FoolOnAHill, that's the thing he is lovely the rest of the time. He really takes care of us. He is never angry or aggressive. He is a really good dad, comes home early to help out if the dc have clubs. He cooks every weekend. I could write a huge list of his good points.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2012 12:46

This man doesn't consider you a human being at all; you only exist in relation to what he wants. I appreciate it's a horrible situation but there is help and support for you and you can get rid of him.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:46

Him being a rapist supercedes those good points

Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 12:49

There is no way on earth I can actually talk about this to anybody. I wouldn't be able to say the words. Plus I feel like a fraud because the whole idea is so rediculous even though it's true. I'm sure I'm not making sense because it makes no sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeLittlePandas · 14/03/2012 12:50

In day to day life he would go to the ends of the earth for me, he really would.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:50

Love, those people on the end of the line are professionals. Do you imagine they haven't heard it before, a thousand times?

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:50

Anything but stop raping you ?

sparkle12mar08 · 14/03/2012 12:51

He is not a good dad. He rapes the mother of his children. Just because he cooks for you afterwards doesn't mean you can erase what he's done.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2012 12:52

My rapist bought me flowers the next day. He was still a rapist.