To anyone who left a partner because of domestic violence, or it hoping to take that step...

[MmeLindor.]

Please read this moving article by Patrick Stewart and know that you have done so much to protect your children and that no matter how hard it was/is on them right now, they will always always love you for getting out.

Warning, it may well make you cry.

"Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it."
true

The part when he describes how he wanted to protect his mum made me cry. How conflicted the children who witness DV must be.

Every time I hear my DD laugh, see her little face full of happiness and hear her tell me how happy she is, how much she loves me I know I did the right thing in leaving. She has blossomed into a confident, carefree and happy child and that fills me with joy.

The day we left to move into Refuge my heart was breaking for her because I was taking her away from everything that was familiar to her, her dad, her home, school, friends, pets, toys but not once did she cry, she trusted me to take care of her. She had witnessed things that hadn't been pleasant and even at a young age she knew it wasn't right, she knew daddy shouldn't have behaved like that and I know, from how she has blossomed since we left, that it has been as much of a relief for her as it has been for me.

When we lived with him, DD was a moody, seemingly depressed little girl who found it hard to make friends. She was quiet and sullen. I was discussing this with the counsellor one day, telling her that the difference in her since we had left was amazing. The counsellor explained that while we were living with him DD would have developed coping strategies, she probably thought that if she was a 'good girl' then daddy wouldn't be as angry, in her own way she thought she was protecting me but once we left and she saw mummy smiling, laughing and relaxed she felt safe to be a little girl again.

I will never regret leaving, ever.

Timefor
That is a lovely lovely post. You have made me cry again. I am so glad that you had the strength to leave.

So am I MmeLindor.

It was actually my DD that gave me the strength to leave. She witnessed one of his rages at me (I hadn't loaded the dishwasher to his satisfaction), heard him tell me he wanted me out of his house and me reply I didn't have the money to leave. She went upstairs and took a £2 coin from her money box and silently pressed it into the palm of my hand. That was the exact moment I knew for sure I had to leave.

Wow. What a fantastic DD you have.

Timefor. I have more respect for you than my own mother who did not have the courage to leave my abusive father and instead chose to allow him to inflict his abuse on me and her for years and years. Well done for being a mother in the real, proper and true sense of the word. Your DD is a very, very, lucky little girl.

Thank you jasminerice, now it's my turn to cry I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

My DD is amazing. From the day we left she embraced our new life, even while in refuge. She never once complained, she just trusted me. She doesn't know though how much strength and courage I gained from her, seeing her cope so well just spurred me on. When he was trying to get me back she would whisper in my ear "you aren't going to love daddy again are you mummy?". She was just 7years old but made it perfectly clear she didn't want us returning to him.

Timefor, children just instinctively know when something is not right. And please don't cry, hold your head up and be proud of who you are. My mother could learn so much from you.

Thank you jasminerice, that is so nice of you.

Timefor - your post brought a lump to my throat - so happy for you.

Am about to leave my P and is is f**cking awful to think DD won't see her daddy, they adore each other, every day and I won't see her tiny little face light up when she sees him each day. Byt the verbal abuse has been horrendous and I know I am protecting her from seeing it when she is older and more able to understand.

Living
Good luck, and well done for taking that step.

Oh Timefor, your daughter is amazing. As are you.

thanks for linking to the article MmeL.

the link on the Guardian page to the refuge campaign seems to be broken (for me at least) so here it is

Apologies, I think it's an old campaign.

Thank you Livingmagicallyagain

I thought I was protecting my DD too but apparently not. She has asked a lot of questions since we left about things she heard when she was supposed to be asleep in bed. The obvious difference in her now to when we lived with him proves how affected she was. Please don't feel guilty for leaving. Your DD doesn't know any different at the moment but when she has experience of a calm, abuse free home and a mummy who is relaxed and happy she won't be pining for her life with daddy, trust me.

My DCs are so much happier, so much calmer and so much more themselves. They laugh more, share more, say more and kindness is gradually creeping into our lives.

I never ever recognised how much the toxic atmosphere was harming them. I wish I had removed them sooner, yet at the time I thought it was the worst thing I could ever do to them.

Thank you YuleingFanjo

This is a link to a thread I started for anyone worried about leaving an abusive relationship. It might be of some reassurance to posters/lurkers of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant?msgid=28273758

Timefor, you are an inspiration X

Thank you TheLastNameLeft

Lady BB, well done to you too. I respect your courage and determination to protect your children from harm, however hard it may be for you. That is a mother's first and foremost job imho. My own mother failed completely at that.

There was only four episodes of dv before I left. All drink fuelled.

It saddens me so much when I read posts on here and the women won't leave because of dc. My children have come on massively since I left my stbxh. Doing fantastically at school, so much more happy. More laughter.

I only found out last night that my eldest dd witnessed my stbxh's last attack on me. I had no idea the screaming and shouting woke her up and she came down, saw her dad on top of me on the bed and ran back upstairs. That breaks my heart

I do not regret leaving him and 100% certain I did the best thing for my children doing so. I wish more women would realise that staying in a violent relationship and trying to pretend everything is okay for the sake of their children is not right.

Stay, I totally agree, but unfortunately some women do not seem to have the courage it takes to leave an abusive partner. I cannot understand how though. I would find the strength and courage to move the earth for my children if I had to.

On a side note, when I was growing up, my dad was violent to my brother. I remember from a young age throwing myself onto my dad and desperately trying to protect my brother. It's the reason my brother and I are so close. I remember how helpless I felt against an adult too, when he was dragging me back up to my room by my hair. Violence in the family home is just plain awful and no child should have to live through it.

I understand that jasmine and I certainly don't look down on women who don't. I just feel desperately sad.