So I facebooked the OW..warning, long!!

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

Namechange here.

To summarise, I discovered for certain that my 'd'p was cheating on me while pregnant about a year ago. it confirmed suspicions that I'd had for a long time but never really allowed myself to believe. I stayed, on the basis that we had counselling, was quite unsure what I wanted to do, the fact I was pregnant and had a 1 yr old DS. I thought I'd give myself some time to decide what to do and to be in a good position to do it. Also because I didnt really have an easy place to go to with a child and pregnant....

So fast forward a year. The counselling really didnt work and he continued to see the OW, which I discovered mid way through. The baby was born, he lost his job and now I am working full time. He is still seeing the OW but apparently now 'just as friends', which I think is actually possible because I do tend to feel it when he's straying but on the other hand i'm not totally sure.

We put our flat on the market for various reasons so I have told myself I am going to wait for an offer that we accept; before I jump/ finally decide. Because, although he is being incredibly sweet at the moment, I just can"t trust him. He has never really committed to stop lying to me and indeed he has password blocked phones and computers. He has this thing where he thinks that if lying will prevent hurt, he will do it.

In the meantime, I also facebooked the OW (blush) because I don't believe the 'just friends' thing. Was not a mean message, just asking for clarification really. But probably not my finest hour and she didnt reply. so now I am in a situation where I wonder whether to send it to her email (in case she doesnt check facebook) or to just leave it well alone.

I just tried to tackle some of these issues with 'd'p - ie not comfortable with him still seeing hte OW, the lying - but he shut me down (on the basis that we were in a cafe). He then is immediately incredibly sweet and pretending that we didnt just open a tin of worms. And then going on about what house we can buy..

So I am incredibly ambivalent about staying (reasons to include of course the DCs and the fact we do mainly have a very nice life together), and in some ways actively planning to go, and there he is planning for the future. I feel like I'm living a lie but on the other hand if I show my hand too soon I feel like he might then be very awkward and it could affect the sale of the flat, the DCs etc. And frankly a couple more months could be good because the baby is only 9 months and very attached to me... argh!! what to do??

[HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo]

wait it out. get yourself financially secure. protect yourself and your dcs if you think he will turn nasty when you do confront him. so sorry you are having to del with this.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

As you say, you can't trust him. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, hasn't changed his behaviour except to make it harder for you to check up on him and won't talk about it.
And on top of that you're supporting him financially.
So of course he's being sweet! He can get away with anything and there are no penalties whatsoever.
Even if he has stopped seeing this particular OW, it's just a matter of time before he has another affair. Are you prepared to put up with that indefinitely?

[PopcornMouse]

Continuing to see OW while we were in counselling would be a dealbreaker for me, OP. He has no respect for you or your DCs, and imho you'd be well shot of him. If you stay, he will never take you seriously and will think that he can get away with seeing other women and you won't leave (and he will be right). I don't mean upset you, but what you've described does not sound like "a very nice life" to me - you can do so much better.

[curlyredhair]

Sell the flat, take half of any money left and set up on your own. You're not ending it, you're just taking some time to figure it all out. He can then stop seeing OW and focus on you and the kids or he can't. His choice. You accept the choice he makes and for better or worse get on with your life. Do not accept the 'just good friends with her scenario', it's all or nothing. For your own self esteem.
Good luck.
PS I may be totally wrong, but this is what I would do.

[RedBlanket]

What scarything said.

And step away from FB.

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

thanks for the responses. in fact Popcorn the seeing the OW during counselling was probably the most massive wake up call, in the sense that it showed a lack of commitment to really sorting it out.

Weevil i kind of agree actually, of course he doesnt want this situation to end, although to split a hair or two I'm not fully financially supporting for the moment and he will probably start working again soon...

It's weird, it's like I have this kind of mental block, i could assert myself and say - never see her again but then if he does agree then I almost have less reason to leave so I dont say it. It's almost like in order to leave I need to have some ammunition. I dont know why I'm behaving like htis... apart from the fact that for the moment I dont have to worry about eg childcare, rushing around to the creche etc and that he does a lot of stuff to support me, so that leaving would be hard both organisationally and financially.

[alwaysblue]

wouldnt she get an email from Facebook to say that someone had sent her a message anyway?

i dont think he should be seeing her in any capacity at all, friends or no friends, if he was hving an affair with her.

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

the thing is though, there's no guarantee the flat will sell quickly.. so do I wait it out before telling him what I'm thinking??? in the meatnime I feel really guilty about playing along...

[alwaysblue]

i wouldnt say youre playing along. its a big thing to do, so you need to ensure that its the right thing to do and also that you have everything you need for yourself and dc

[mollschambers]

Don't feel guilty OP. You're still with him because of the kids. TBF I think he is probably doing exactly the same thing. If day to day it's easier to be with him right now then stay. Just be sure that you're planning for when/if that changes.

[mumsamilitant]

I don't give a frig, they could be a community of Ooompa Loompa's for all I care. They knowingly broke the law and are costing us taxpayers a heck of a lot of money. They are bloody wrong.

[waterrat]

basically - your partner is clearly seeing you both - and hasn't even promised to you that he will stop. He is not being open, is still using passwords - and yes, of course it might seem easier to close your eyes to this for the day to day relief of not having to confront it. But this is no way to live a life is it? Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this - built on complete disrespect and dishonesty? Is this what you saw for yourself when you began the relationship? If a friend described this situation - what would you tell them to do?

He is still friends with a woman he had a long relationship with - while still with you...come on...that is absolutely unacceptable - even if it is just friendship which it probably isn't. He is with you because he can be with you without being a husband/ partner in any sense of the word - he isn't committed to you, he isn't honest with you, he doesn't care whether or not it upsets you.

Please see that you deserve more than this. are you having any counselling for yourself? This man is an absolute arsehole for treating you like this, and for letting you continue in a situation which, if he was completely honest, you would not put up with.

Please look at leaving and beginning a life of your own, you cannot go on like this - he will just do what he likes and you cannot spend your life with this man. He isn't going to change.

If you need a couple of months to get yourself sorted, then do so - but you should make some serious steps - ie. tell a friend or close family that you are leaving and enlist their support - start seeing a counsellor of your own to talk through your fears about confronting the truth.

And don't waste your time trying to speak to the OW - have a bit more faith in yourself and your own standards. You don't need her involvement to tell you this man is no good and his behaviour is not acceptable.

[mumsamilitant]

OOOOOOOOPPPPPS, wrong thread. Jesus and I haven't even been on the

[waterrat]

You should not feel guilty about 'playing along'! He has played you along - now you need to get your own plans sorted. The only worry I would have for you is that you simply don't move forward and end up wading through the treacle of his bullshit for years to come...

[buzzskeleton]

If he was interested in a fully committed loving relationship with just you, he'd have ditched the OW (even her 'friendship') and be happy to be open about his phone/FB/computer to earn your trust back. Why should you put up with him seeing the OW, even platonically, when he cheated on you with her? Why is her 'friendship' more important than your relationship?

I think you should dump him. He's made his choice and it isn't to put you first.

If you think it would be better for you financially or practically to stay until the flat is sold, then do it, but don't get sucked into 'trying again' with someone who hasn't even the respect for you to talk it through, much less stop seeing his OW.

[frutilla]

Fb doesn't do the emails anymore. Sometimes mine doesn't notify me when I log in, I have to actively click the person's name, then click message and then a new one appears. Hate the new fb!
I'd wait a bit longer, but it would eat into me the lack of trust. Sorry this has happened to you...

[ithinkineedtogrowapair]

hoho mumsamilitant!! that made me laugh though..

thanks again. It's true I need to have a bit more faith in my own standards. it's just so hard when he's being really loving and then what do I do...I feel like I let myself down when I give into it but then if I don't everything will be horrible.And it's such a cliché but it's true, when I see him playing wiht the kids and we're all together I feel incredibly sad that this would have to end.

I have started taking the steps needed in the sense that I finally started talking about it to friends here (I live abroad - another problem really) and my mother (though I didnt tell her the full story), rather than just some friends at home.

I have to admit though, what would I do if he deblocked his phone and computer? would I then have to give it another chance.. ???

the other problem is htat I genuinely feel sorry for him. a lot of this came through insecurity I think, and the continuing friendship with the OW is about his lack of friends as much as anything else.

all of hte above is definitely why I need to grow a pair as I said and start thinking about myself more...

[mumsamilitant]

Glad you laughed about it. [embarrassed]

[buzzskeleton]

That you don't want him to make those efforts to try to put things right makes me think it's all over, tbh. You don't actually want to try again, so really, don't. It's fair enough, he's been an utter tool.

You've already given him chances - he didn't make good on them. You don't owe him another.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

I don't understand

Are you "together" or are you not ?

[usualsuspect]

I don't get this either

He is still seeing the other woman but is in a relationship with you?

hes having his cake and eating it ,to coin a phrase

get rid

[AnyPhantomFucker]

I have never seen so many excuses made for a cheating fucker all in one post before

[usualsuspect]

His continuing friendship with the other woman is because he is still shagging her

Are you really so naive

[waterrat]

he's having his cake, eating it and making trifle. Yes it's sad that he will have to leave - but it's not sad for you ! You will be free of his bullshit - please do grow a pair (i mean that nicely..!) - stop excusing his continuous lying and total disrespect for you by saying 'he needs friends' - that is the worst excuse for refusing to stop seeing an OW I have ever heard....Firstly - they are not just friends. Secondly - his marriage should come first if he wants it to work. Thirdly - there are many, many ways of making friends.

Of course you wouldn't have to give it a go even if he did try to change - you don't have to do anything. He has completely betrayed you and isn't at all interested in saving the relationship or proving to you that he wants to save it. Of course he is all sweetness and light to you - you are demanding nothing of him.

If you are thinking of the children, please remember that they need you to be a role model for them. They will grow older and see the truth at some point - they need to know that you will stand up for yourself - I grew up with a father who lied all the time, it left such a huge legacy of mistrust for me when I started having relationships. I was paranoid/ mistrustful/ jealous - absolutely obsessed at not being lied to as I had watched my mother be lied to- it poisoned my relationships. Believe me - kids know far, far more than you think - maybe they are too young now, but they won't always be.

He threw away the happy families long ago - and he is making no attempt to cut the ties to the OW that would be necessary for rebuilding trust.

you are in a miasma of indecision here - start moving forward slowly...