Tracking Devices? Anyone know about them?

[AlienZombieMum]

Does anyone know anything about using a tracking device / gps to catch a cheating spouse?

For logistical reasons I cannot follow him (don't drive, kids in bed, no babysitters), I have had my suspicions for months and check his phone regularly when he sleeps (never lets it out his sight when awake) , but cannot find anything (all deleted). Asked to borrow it once and he gave me it but looked shifty, took it for 24 hrs and let him think he'd "lost" it - nada! Although he did "have" to go out urgently 2 mins after he thought he had lost it - prob to a payphone to tell her not to call.

He doesn't have a computer at all and doesn't have access to mine.

He is self-employed as a driver so chooses his own hours and has no workplace . Have checked his car.

However, I have good reason to believe he is not actually at work when he says he is although I cannot prove it. I have a good inkling of where he may be, so if I could put a mobile phone with a tracker in his car or something like that I could confront him with evidence he cannot deny.

Does anyone know a (reputable) way of getting and setting up one of these devices? Would a private investigator supply you with one? The vehicle is actually in my name although he is on insurance so I don't think it would be illegal?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

If you have this level of distrust, your relationship is over anyway.

Don't waste any more time, mental energy or money on trying to get "proof".

What is the point ?

Use this momentum you are feeling to tell him to move out, look into your legal and financial situation and fgs, find some peace of mind on your own.

Good luck x

[AlienZombieMum]

Thanks AnyFucker, I always love your advice on here . I like straight-talking.

However, for complex reasons owing to property we live in etc, I cannot move out and unless I have proof he will not move out and I cannot legally make him (have already consulted lawyer about this). However, knowing him I think he would move out himself if confronted with proof he is up to no good. Also everyone locally thinks he is a very respectable and well-liked helpful pillar of the community, so he wouldn't move out of his cookie-cutter "wife and 2 children" image unless forced by proof he is cheating. And that is all it is, an image - he is rarely ever here except from to sleep.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

You will never get this elusive "proof"

He will deny, deny, deny

If you are married, start divorce proceedings

It may take longer than if he were actually the decent sort who would move out when you tell him it is over, but eventually he will either have to move out and support you and dc's to still live there or the property will have to be sold and you split

either way, you get rid of him

I guess it's up to him how much he wants to punish you and your children by dragging it out

Which tells you all you need to know about what sort of man he is

[Scorps]

I don't know the answer to your question, but I do know what its like being with a man like this. Now we are not together, i can't imagine being 70 and looking back on my life always having lived on the edge of my seat. I'm sorry for you, i know you don't care, but it is nicer not having to be concerned where he is and if he's hurting you :(

[hairyfairylights]

What af said. And you sound slightly bunny boiling.

[AlienZombieMum]

I know he is not the sort of man to care about hurting the children. He refused to show up to take them to my family christmas event today because of "the way you spoke to me last night" - all I said after he rolled in after yet another "16 hour work shift" was "Do you think I was born yesterday? Why can't you just tell the truth?". I can't take them as he uses the car for work. It was previously arranged that he would drive the kids the 2 hours there and my mum would drive them back, but he fucked off with the car and cancelled last minute this morning by which time it was too late for my family to collect them or me to get 3 buses - it would have been a 4 hour-round trip - 2 hours for family to get here and 2 hours back to theirs. Bastard . His face was a picture when my dad (innocently) phoned him to see what was going on/why we were late though!

AnyFucker, how long does it take after divorce proceedings are started until he is forced to move out? Although I work full-time, it is me and his mum who do all childcare , very rarely will he do any.

I'm a bit scared of technically being on my own but I realise that I am anyway.He is literally NEVER here except to sleep and sometimes to eat (himself). Don't know how I can face the torture of living with him for much longer though. Living with this shell of a relationship which doesn't exist , yet he likes to use it to pretend to the outside world whilst living like a single man. I keep thinking that if I could just somehow get proof then he could be shamed into leaving, or at least he couldn't lie to my face about working 16 hour days 7 days a week with no days off (who does that? I ask you mumsnetters?). It seems I'm driving myself crazy whilst he carries on smug , knowing I don't have anything on him!!! wish i could follow him at night but can't cause of DCs. he knows I'm in with them so he can do what he likes and I can't prove he wasn't at work.

[AlienZombieMum]

Well gee thanks hairyfairylights. Have you ever been in the situation where your significant other is lying to you on a daily basis and you are sure of it, yet you can't find proof and how crazy-making that is?
Thanks for the constructive input. I can assure you I'm no "bunny-boiler" if with someone who is honest.

[Scorps]

AZM - I have been where you are. And yes, it's so scary sometimes being alone. I have 4dc. I know how crrazy it makes you, but take a step out from trying to find something out, and ask yourself if you can picture this relationship for life. I swear i would have died from stress overload in my 40s if i had continued. Yes, I'm sad about it, but i don't have to live with a liar anymore.

[Malificence]

You don't sound like a bunny boiler at all, you sound like a woman on the edge who has been driven to desperate measures because of an abusive husband.

You can get a tracer put on his phone, you can do it for children, I seriously thought about it for DD when she was 15 and went through a phase with lying about where she was. Can't remember the details though sorry.
I think it was about £60 but that was 5 years ago.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I have no idea what the time frame is, sorry, but others posters will

Could you try asking on the lone parents section for that specific advice, if you don't get an answer here

Or speak to a solicitor for advice tomorrow

Yes, you are technically doing it all by yourself anyway

This smug bastard is making me feel angry for you actually, I would like to see his face when he receives a solicitors letter

however, I persoanlly think that you will just drive yourself mad trying to get him to admit to anything

all you need to know is that he is a shit husband and father and you want rid of him on those grounds

he is failing to fulfil his part of the marriage contract, so you need to revoke yours

i would also stop sleeping with him, doing his laundry, cooking for him and otherwise enabling his life in any way

[AlienZombieMum]

Thanks Scorps. I think I might remember you actually. Did you have a really long thread?

I just keep thinking that if I can have that proof for myself too, I will KNOW it is finished in my head somehow. That I'm not just dreaming it up that no man can possibly drive 16 hours a day 7 days a week for months? and switch the phone off for hours on end usually late at night? To stop having sex with his wife and use the family home only as a hotel and turn the blame back on her for "accusing" him?

[Scorps]

Yes, a VERY long one :). You don't need concrete evidence - if he is not being the partner you want/ed, that's enough too.

[FrostyAndSlippery]

WWYD if you used the tracker and still got no evidence?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

you are not dreaming it up

he really is an abusive, cruel bastard

whether he is cheating physically is actually the least of it, although I kinda understand how that simple fact might make your mind up once and for all

you remind me when you say that of a woman who posted on here who was undergoing horrific domestic violence, but had minimised all that and was most upset by a revelation of infidelity

it's part of his abuse of you though, that he will never admit to anything and keep you in a permanent state of agitation and a half-life of misery and suspicion

who wants to live like that ?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

< waves at scorps >

[Malificence]

www.themobiletracker.com/english/index.html

Looks like you don't even need to put anything in his phone to use this.

[AlienZombieMum]

AF, I have already stopped cooking for him (his bloody mother started doing it now!)
I stopped washing for him too (he moans but then does it himself)
I have stopped having sex with him. He doesn't ask anymore anyway - although it's weird because he used to want it all the time.

He seems to do just enough to keep up the pretence of a father and husband - came to my grandad's funeral without being asked (so my family wouldn't see what he is like - he slipped up today though), comes to DC's birthdays etc but otherwise I'm being serious when i say he is NEVER here. If challenged he either gets angry or says he 'has' to work all the time 'for the family' - although our outgoings are actually quite small and my job pays at least half. He says 'you know how business is nowadays' yeah right!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

He has already eft you really

Does he have another family somewhere ?

Perhaps a lone parent with children of her own ?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

left

[AlienZombieMum]

If I used it and still got no evidence? I don't know. I'm hoping I would get evidence of him going to the same place (street/house) and being stationery there for hours when he is supposedly working - He is a taxi driver, without wanting to give too much away, so he obviously would not be stationery for hours at a time. If it could find that I would know he was not at work like he claims - then the zero time with the kids or me (except very special occasions where he can "show off") would be the deciding factor. He couldn't then say he "has to work" or accuse of of being completely unsupportive of "what he is doing for the family" - He is always pleading poverty when we half the bills - don't know how since he works a whopping 112-hour week!

I know what you mean AF when you say that I could throw him out for being abusive etc - but the only time I can honestly say he is for definetly abusive is if I get angry at him and accuse him. Rest of the time we never see him and he is pleasant in a detached kind of way the odd time he is here. He would just turn it on me. Why are you breaking up the family? etc twist it into being my fault alone.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

google "gaslighting"

of course he is distantly pleasant when you are not requiring anything of him

he notches up the abuse when you ask perfectl reasonable questions, and tries to turn it back onto you

so basically, if you keep your gob shut and don't rock the boat, he is ok

unless you are some sort of super-duper-doormat, why should you swallow that ?

who cares what other people think, based on what you have said, if you want to end this sham of a marriage, you have more than enough "evidence" already

[AlienZombieMum]

I doubt he has another family somewhere, but then you never know. He leaves for work at 6am and should finish at 6pm most nights (normal taxi shifts) but doesn't get back until about 10pm then goes to sleep , so there are 4 hours missing. Funnily enough he will answer his phone before this time but after he claims "I was was driving / it was on silent" if I call.
Sometimes he comes back smelling like alcohol, which is telling, and if pushed will say "I went to pub for ten mins" yeah right!

[hairyfairylights]

Yes, I have. But admittedly the info in your was limited in the light of what you've said since.

[hairyfairylights]

In your op I meant.

I can see from the rest of your posts
that he's a twat, but without that info could not see why you were "spying" on him.

In the light of that I think you should see a solicitor and file for divorce immediately.

An affair is irrelevant, surely, while he is not engaging in family life.

[AlienZombieMum]

I have heard about Gaslighting before on here, but it seems really hard to know when it is happening to you.

Our exchanges confuse the hell out of me. He doesn't usually snap or get nasty when I complain about something he does / doesn't do , like spending time with the kids, but will just say nothing or be completely vague, telling me I am 'never happy' - rarely he will say he will 'try harder' (ie - to spend time as a family) but it never materialises.

He does get angry when I accuse him of not being at work all that time - I know in my heart no-one can possibly be, and although he clears his phone he doesn't clear the minutes/text counter so I can tell there has been texts / calls building up (although not a lot but more than he has texted me or his parents for example). I do get angry and shout at him a bit [embarrassed] and he uses that to make me feel like the crazy, abusive one (he even calls me abusive and says his friends agree)

Jeez, I don't know!

It does feel like he is keeping me on the back-foot by never acknowledging that either his hours have to change or what he does after work that he won't admit to has to change. Or that the situation of seeing me for 30 mins a day and the kids only on special occasions or pick-ups from childminders has to change. If I get really annoyed or he does something incredibly selfish he will say "I will try to focus more on family, but I'm doing my best already" just so I will shut up.

He dismisses and ignores my unhappiness with the completely unreasonable situation and dismissing my suspicions (the selectively deleted texts and calls), and calls me a drama queen etc yet I still feel I need proper proof to leave him? Don't know if I can bear him using this place as a hotel any longer.