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why so many mums harbour jealousy and blank...

(202 Posts)
bwhiskey Fri 01-Oct-10 11:46:19

you during school run? my son is now seven, and not all, but so many of the mums just will not speak to me, and ive done no wrong and i am friendly and look normal enough.

this group are quite cliquish and gossipy, but it does hurt that they just blank me, and ive given up trying to make new friends - that clearly isnt what the school run is about, sadly.

my partner thinks its down to two things - one - they are just typical provincial women who dont want to take in 'outsiders' - and also that my son is very good looking and my partner thinks some mums are jealous. which if this is the case, that is just silly.

the other week, though, i do remember as my son fell of his bike coming out of school and hit his head against one of the mum's vans, all she could say was 'oh, hope he didnt dent my van' and drove off before i could reply or even register how offensive that remark was.

i recently threw a birthday party for my son and invited all his classmates. i was very pleased that nearly all turned up (many of them children of these mums). Saying that, though, on the day, they all sat there in this village hall clustered, stoney faced, and miserable, and at exactly 2 hours after the party started, even though the cake hadnt been brought out yet (we ran a bit behind given the games and prizes went on a bit, but the children didnt mind!), and 2 hours later, on the money, most of this group of this clique got up to go, simply because the party went on an extra ten minutes. though they were quite happy to wait for their loot bags, which i rushed to get them.

i was a bit racked off given i spent hours making this cake myself, and i spent 250 quid on the party, much of it was for loot bags and prizes and a pinata and the rest, and it was as if i'd shot one of their kids given a few - one man included - got outright angry that I dared to have a child's party go over the 2 hour 'limit' they are used to.

had anyone offered to help with the games or anything else, given it was only myself and partner doing the whole thing with 20 children? Not a soul.

Anyway, and i reckon because of this, one mum who used to speak to me daily has now stopped speaking to me. i did clock that her partner had taken her son to this party (she had to work), not her, and i did clock the fact he was also really angered that it went on ten - fifteen minutes longer than their expected 2 hour 'limit' as he made a point of muttering 'bl**dy something or other' at my back as he passed. ungrateful a**hole? you mite think...

its so incredibly stupid, and it makes me just wish i never bothered but then I dont want to kill the children's fun. - either that, or next year, write on the invite - children only, thanks. i mean, who wants that kind of misery around you? i know children's parties can be boring for the parents - i know, ive been to many, but i would never get up and leave when a party hadnt finished, unless i absolutely had to be somewhere - and they didnt.

also to this - the following week, a dad (who had not been at the party) approched me just to tell me that his son said that my son's party was the 'best ever.' also, one of his classmates said this as well. which was rewarding...

did any of the mums say anything? not ONE.

i decided not to bother with thank you cards...

anyone care to explain this without lecturing me with regard to the fact I 'broke' party protocol and went a bit over the two hours (no children complained!) ???

it would be so nice to be able to throw a children's party without p*ssing off or annoying or 'putting out' parents who bring their kids to these things purely out of duty and get no joy seeing their kids have fun. trust me, if you could have seen this group and their faces, you'd know what i mean...!

3littlefrogs Fri 01-Oct-10 11:50:07

There is no reason whatsoever for parents to stay at a party for 7 year olds, unless they are staying to help.

They sound a rude and ignorant lot TBH. I wouldn't bother trying to make friends with them TBH.

It does get easier as your child gets older.

I think after two hours most parents would be getting a bit fed up so would be more than ready to go tbh. Some may need to be elsewhere which you clearly weren't concerned about also the lack of thankyou cards I think was a bit rude.

RageAgainstTheTeen Fri 01-Oct-10 11:59:59

I don't get caught up in playgroup crap,we don't have to speak to each other just because we have children the same age.My son is also 7,some parents say 'hello' and some don't.

The rudeness of the mother with the van was off but then I would of pulled her up on it.

But then,<cough> I don't have any friends from school grin

I would of expected a thank for inviting my child to the party but not much else from the parents.Really,as long as the children enjoyed it,who gives a shit about the stoney faced parents?

I would still send out thank you notes,don't stoop to their level.

I also can't understand why the parents attended the party,we always relish a few hours away from our children so dump them and run!

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 01-Oct-10 12:03:16

Perhaps they have picked up on the fact that you and your DH regard them as 'provincials'.

Never met a woman who blanked another mother out of jealousy of their child's attractiveness hmm

You sound like you are overthinking things a bit. Perhaps get a job, or a hobby. smile

Zondra Fri 01-Oct-10 12:13:04

I'm sorry that your going through this. I've been in a similar situation & it really gets you down.

I always regarded myself as a friendly open person but, for whatever reasons I was left out in the cold at the school gates for years.
My dh reckoned it was jealousy from me being a young (& fairly glam!) stay at home mum with a comfortable lifestyle.

The situation only rectified itself when my kids were old enough to take themselves to school. I understand saying this isn't going to help,sorry!

I know it's hard but, try not to pay heed. Stand tall, smile say hello & walk on. Best revenge is don't give them any ammunition to hate you. Breeze along & always be civil.

In regards to the party, I have no idea why the parents stayed? In my experience parents only stay at toddler's parties & back in my own childhood I don't remember this being the norm either! They sound like a bunch if rude churlish arseholes.

In regards to thank you cards, never heard such rubbish! Never done them myself. It's a kid's party not the bloody Queen's garden party or a top society wedding!
Too much nonsense & protocol these days. Some people need to chill out & get a grip!

RageAgainstTheTeen Fri 01-Oct-10 12:17:55

Really Zondra?

My children have always sent thank you notes to family and school friends for birthday/christmas gifts.

We don't regard it as nonsense,just having manners.

Mummiehunnie Fri 01-Oct-10 12:18:26

I think some of this is your stuff and some of it is their stuff, if you want further explanation then i am happy to go through it with you. I do also wonder if you have self esteem issues, for example running to get the lootbags for the one's who left early, why did you not just let them go? The need for others feedback etc, lets face it by seven our children have normally been to loads of parties, and other than a quick thanks that is normally all that happens between parents at this stage, it makes me wonder if you have had many parties and if your ds has been invited to many. I do find it odd at seven to have the parents there, why did they stay?

Mummiehunnie Fri 01-Oct-10 12:21:19

Zondra, that may be your answer, people like you think cards are nonsense and people like rage think it is manners, you may find the other mums think like rage, which means that maybe you would not have similar ideas and not have got along anyways! a personality clash!

bundlebelly Fri 01-Oct-10 12:25:25

Poor you, they sound really cold and unfriendly. Hope you've got some good honest friends that make you feel better about that lot. Life's too short to behave like that, surely a kids party is all about the kids having a good time. They all overrun timewise, that is normal! Don't let them get you down.

bwhiskey Fri 01-Oct-10 12:28:03

i have two jobs, cheers

pagwatch Fri 01-Oct-10 12:34:26

TBH I think you are astoundingly unlucky to go to a school where every single mother is unpleasant - the odds must be astounding.

My Dcs have been to 6 different schools between them. Ds1 went to a school where there were some parents who seemed overly concerned with finding out where you lived before deciding whether they wanted to be friendly or not - but even there there were some very nice parents too.

And my DS1 is pretty fucking gorgeous so no, I would rule out jealousy as a possible reason.

Perhaps it would be a good decision to have a look inwards before you decide you have your DC at Hell Central.

When I was struggling to make friends DS1 very kindly pointed outthat, completely unintentionally I had a face which, in respose, looked grumpy. He was right. I was completely unaware that when I wasn't thinking about anything in particular I looked pissed off. No wonder...

I tried chatting and smiling more and realised that the majority of the world, just like me, essentially just want to get on with everyone else unless there is good reason not to.

Seriously, the chances that you are doing everything perfectly and all the parents are just mean is remote. Maybe have a think at what you are doing that is well intended or just unintentional that could be sending out the message that you wish to be left alone.

SanctiMoanyArse Fri 01-Oct-10 12:35:14

It can be ahrd to egt in with a cliquey gang, we movec here and i;ve enver been truly part of it but there can be all manner of different reasons too.

They may pick up on you thinking theya re provincial or that their kids are less attaractive (isn;t that the converse side of that? Do you actually relaise that a parent who doesn't think their seven year old is attractive is unusual?)

There's probably a hundred different reasons though. Is ay hi to people at school but don;t have anything to do socially any more bewcase one fo my kids there has SN, friendships go abd and it always backfires. Another friend gave up becuase she's a CM and couldn;t amke their social gatherings at the gym in the daytime.

Hullygully Fri 01-Oct-10 12:35:24

<grasps Paggy in a cliquey and leaving people out manner>

pagwatch Fri 01-Oct-10 12:38:18

<<ignores Hully and talks pointedly to Sancti about parties and cliquey stuff>>

Hullygully Fri 01-Oct-10 12:40:32

<Remembers that they are both horribly provincial and returns to her duchessdom>

arfasleep Fri 01-Oct-10 12:42:01

Try not to let it get to you bwhiskey, I am also a 'new to area' mum & sometimes get blanked or one word responses from 'the locals', it helps in our area that there are a few of us 'non-locals', so you can witness same happen to someone else & realise its not just you!wink. They're not all like that tho & I always try to be pleasant & friendly, altho not overly so. I was trying to make an effort with one mum cos my ds & hers are friends, but getting nowhere, dp advised not to bother & have left it, when they're bit older they'll make own friends without reference to 'mums cliques' I think. Would advise against big party in future, small ones with little group much friendlier, IMO

bwhiskey Fri 01-Oct-10 12:42:38

think ive just proven my point. first, i didnt say all women at the school were like this. and second, how dare the few of you who imply that there must a a 'reason' these mums feel the need to attend a 7 year old's party. yes, i have attended other birthday parties and most parents still stay - unless of course you are of the sort who cant wait to get rid of your kid any chance you get.

i do not walk round with a mean face. all this blame onto me in your responses, again, just proves my point.

most women arent worth knowing. youre mostly a pack of backstabbing b*tches but i will take your advice - i wont let women like you get me down anymore.

by the way, read that piece in the papers a few months ago whereby mumsnet was SLAMMED for its utter b*tchiness.

ladies, if you want to bully other women who just come on here for support, youre a sad, fat lot, and for those who cast a stone my way, you can f*ck rite off.

for those who had the decency to be supportive, thank you. x

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 01-Oct-10 12:44:15

<gasp>

I just came on to apologise for my earlier bitchy comment, but now feel VINDICATED

Portofino Fri 01-Oct-10 12:45:07

Actually - if that is your attitude in RL, I can understand why you might be having problems.

pagwatch Fri 01-Oct-10 12:45:28

grin

Gosh it is much harder now to figure why you can't make friends....

Although I am a little bit in love with you now.

pagwatch Fri 01-Oct-10 12:46:23

Oh fuck off Getorf you sad fat type.

will you be my friend though?

arfasleep Fri 01-Oct-10 12:47:05

Erm, try not to be so defensive?? I didn't think any of posters were being especially nasty?? Sometimes people just post random ideas as to what might be prob, don't assume it is being said in bitchy way

Portofino Fri 01-Oct-10 12:47:11

Honestly - you sound very defensive. I'm not good with strangers, but Pagwatch is right, sometimes you can give off an air of "standoffishness" when actually you might be shy.

RageAgainstTheTeen Fri 01-Oct-10 12:47:50

<laughs>

Calm down dear.

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