Would you say anything to this mother?

[CandyCrush77]

Was just chatting to another mother at the school gates. Our DSs are in the same class but I don't usually chat to this person or know her very well. DS is (or used to be known) for being quite naughty at school but has improved massively and is now in year 3. He is going well academically and still has reminders in class but no big issues and his teacher seems happy. Both reports at parents evenings have been good. He does still muck around sometimes with another boy (and get a reminder) but nothing worse than that. Anyhow, i start chatting to this woman who proceeds to tell me how badly behaved my son at school and that he struggles to concentrate/focus etc. I was very taken aback and said, well the teacher hasn't said anything to me, to which she said, well that have 30 kids in the class so they have to let some things go. She then said she had seen DS act nicely sometimes so was surprised he misbehaved at school etc etc. I was a bit stunned to be honest and let it go but am now feeling really pissed off about it. DS WAS a bit badly behaved in reception but has come on leaps and bounds since then but he appears to have been labelled by at least one parent as a "'naughty boy". Worse than that, she seemed to think that naughty = stupid which is not the case. Her DS is quite bright and I had the distinct impression she was being quite patronising. Spoke to DS's teacher only this morning, who stopped me to say how well behaved DS had been this week, so definitely no issues that she wanted to raise. I am on the verge of emailing this woman and pulling her up on her comments. The risk if though that I will seem completely mental and destroy any chance of a friendly relationship at the school gates. Any views?

[sunnydayinmay]

How does she even know? I would just ignore her. If the teacher is happy, and your ds has friends, then another parent's opinion is completely irrelevant.

[NewIdeasToday]

Just ignore it. Why would you email someone over casual comments - even if they are daft.

You both sound too interested and invested in other people's kids. Why do you know so much about her son? And why does she know about yours?

[CandyCrush77]

I don't know much about her son other than another parent told me her son is bright. How she know so much about DS is the question.

[Iknownuffink]

Children talk to their mummies. Though the teacher is putting a positive spin on his behaviour perhaps other children not and relaying that to their parents.

[CandyCrush77]

I know children talk to their mummies. If there is a problem I would not expect the teacher to put a positive spin on it. I would expect to be told. This school has very high behavioural standards so I don't think it would have been raised if it was an issue.

[alanthicke]

NewIdeas, you think it's "over-invested" that the OP knows that another child in her son's class is bright?? I agree the other woman was over-invested in OP's child (and a nosy cow to boot), but I certainly don't think it's unusual to know a few simple facts about the other children in your child's class, especially when the children have known each other for several years. I don't spend much time thinking about my DD's peers, but I'be attended enough classroom and social activities to know generally which ones are noticeably bright, sweet, athletic, shy, etc. At 8 years old I'd hardly call that over-invested.

It sounds like OP's child has come an incredibly long way and I don't blame her for being upset that he still has the reputation he earned in Reception. But I think this story reflects much worse on the other mum than it does on OP's DS. Anyone who talks that way about another person's child is massively insecure about her own child, as well as either socially awkward or downright nasty. I don't think emailing would help, though. As hard as it is, I think the best thing to do here is just ignore.

[bojorojo]

Ignore her! What would emailing achieve? Keep on the moral high ground and rise above it. Life is too short to bother with this sort of gossip.

[CandyCrush77]

Thanks Alanthicke. I think that might be it. I still really want to email though as it came across as such a massive put down. She undoubtedly thinks her DS is brilliant whilst mine is the class clown.

[RebelRogue]

Her opinion is irrelevant.what his teachers and his friends think is what counts.

[PortiaCastis]

Ignore her. Life is too short for school gate gossips. How does she know the ins and outs of the class. Tell her school is for children to learn not for her to judge the class. Who does she think she is Nicky friggin Morgan

[Toomanymarsbars]

Meh, what do you care what this woman thinks of your son? The thing is, people like this cannot be told what the reality is, is that makes sense. Even if you were to speak to her, she won't understand. You know the truth, that's what matters to your little boy, not what some woman thinks.

[SaturdaySurprise]

The children probably do talk to their mothers about bad behaviour in the class.

I help out with a class at our school. This class has some badly behaved children and I don't get the impression that the teacher tells the parents of every bit of bad behaviour (she wouldn't have time!). She deals with it as it happens, but the children all know who the badly behaved children are.

I also see the badly behaved children getting praised for some pretty brief good behaviour, while the children who behave all the time don't get all that praise.

[10tinycrabs]

"Anyone who talks that way about another person's child is massively insecure about her own child, as well as either socially awkward or downright nasty. "

This

[Pagwatch]

Don't email her.

What possible good can come from it? What do you hope to achieve?

Is she likely to reply with 'goodness yes, you are right. I have been too judgemental and I am indeed a cheeky cow. My comments were wrong'

Or is she likely to show your email to everyone she knows as proof that your son is a problem and who can be surprised when his mother is a weirdo sending out snotty emails?

I completely understand your desire to retort but you can't make anything better by emailing her and you could make things worse, most particularly for your son.

[nancy75]

Op, if the teacher is telling you he has been good this week that does make me think he probably isn't that well behaved the rest of the time.

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

How exactly did the conversation go? You were stood there, waiting for your kids and she said "ho ho ho yours is the naughty kid unless I'm much mistaken?" How do you even shoehorn that into a conversation?

How did she?

[ThenLaterWhenItGotDark]

But no, I wouldn't say anything to her. I'd ask the teacher if there was something I hadn't been told about my child's behaviour and say I'd be told by WeirdMum in the playground.

[CotswoldStrife]

I really would not email anyone in these circumstances. It is pretty common for children to complain that other children are naughty. I'm thinking of the reaction of one group when a child that is usually pretty disruptive got a reward for a minor improvement - I was surprised at how outraged the children were!

I certainly wouldn't mention anything to the mother, though - she was just plain rude, don't stoop to her level.

[Thethingswedoforlove]

Nancy75 said what I was thinking......

[Iguessyourestuckwithme]

Surely the fact that the teacher has remarked on him being well behaved this week pinpoits that there may be a problem. They don't tell every parent their child is well behaved each day/week do they?

[teacherwith2kids]

Nancy75 has it pretty accurate. I don't spend my time telling the parents of 'always well behaved children' that their children have had a good week.

I might well mention a good week to a parent of a child whose behaviour was more mixed - and I would only mention bad behaviour that was 'out of line with that child's normal' rather than 'every incident in which the child was not as well behaved as the best behaved child in the class'...because that way madness lies.

So it is quite possible for two things to be simultaneously true:

• that your child's behaviour has significantly improved as he has got older AND
  
• that their behaviour may still be seen as not great by others in the class
  

The parent may well have got this information from their child - tbh mine could always fairly accurately sum up the behaviour of most children in their class, as well as differentiate those who 'were normally good but did something silly today' and those who 'found it very difficult to behave well'.

[lljkk]

Rise above & be fake friendly in future. What a total cow to say all that to OP.

[teacherwith2kids]

I think there are two things here:

• It is likely that the OP's DS's behaviour is not as good - or is not as good relative to others in the class - as she had believed.
  

but also:

• The other parent should have not said what she did - however true it might be, it was rude.

[PuppyMonkey]

Why would you have the other mum's email address?

[Pagwatch]

I've got a contact email for every child in my DDs class.
Always have had since she started.