School friends from deprived families

(456 Posts)
poppytin Mon 09-Dec-13 10:48:25

DS1 just started reception in September. We didn’t get our first choice of school which could be seen from our house due to oversubscription and sibling rule. DS1 now goes to second choice school which is in a more deprived area although the school has performed rather well and been improving. We’re 7th on the waiting list for first choice school which has very low turnover so chances of getting in are pretty slim. I have no issue with the school as given its circumstances ie high FSM and SEN its performance is very good. However I can’t seem to make myself like the families of the children there. At the school gate I’ve met people in their pyjamas, with cigarettes on their fingers, piercings on etc. I’ve seen people shouting/swearing at each other in the playground while waiting for their children. DS was invited to a birthday party of one of the boys in his class and it was the worst house I’ve ever set foot in. Mom was in nightie with a cig on when we arrived at mid day. DS1 appears to be academic, loves reading and writing, both DH and I have masters from redbrick units and are in professional jobs, our house is walled with books and CDs.

DS loves his school and teachers which is the main reason I’m using to calm me down. However I worry whether the environment where his friends grow in would have an impact on him and his education.

Any opinions?

BornToFolk Mon 09-Dec-13 11:07:28

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

absentmindeddooooodles Mon 09-Dec-13 11:07:55

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Goldchilled7up Mon 09-Dec-13 11:09:29

Great post preciousbane

AmberLeaf Mon 09-Dec-13 11:09:51

I know that people like the OP really do exist, but I struggle to believe that a Mum from the background the OP describes would welcome guests to her childs party in a nightie.

I want to 'like' Kryptonites posts.

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 09-Dec-13 11:10:03

Good social skills are formed by learning to mix with a wide variety of people. 4 year olds will be surrounded by 'like minded people' at any school, because they'll be in a classroom full of other 4 year olds who like running around and playing.

Adults who can only interact with people of the same kind of background as them are the ones lacking in social skills.

moldingsunbeams Mon 09-Dec-13 11:10:57

Socially deprived does not equal low intelligence.

My best friend at primary was in a much higher set than me, her mum had seven kids the house was a real mess and undecorated with kids writing all over the bedroom walls and the kids dragged themselves up. I was very much middle class.

While at secondary school my friend was very well off and I was embarrassed to have her over to our (then) a little tatty semi which was actually perfectly lovely.

We were made homeless last year as landlord did a bunk and have ended up in a tiny one bed flat with my dd, it is a converted house but the hall is a bit tatty, our flat is lovely and clean and modern but tiny and the one child we have had over picked up on it being so small and there being another front door in our hall.

DDs best friend has never been to our house because the family as very well off and dd is worried she will call her if she sees our flat.

Guess what I do not wear my nightwear in the day, I work, I might not have a degree, I did start but could not finish for very valid reasons and our flat is absolutely crammed with books.

My dd has been in a private school and some of the "rich kids" were the worst behaved I have ever seen.

MairyHoles Mon 09-Dec-13 11:12:01

I'm all the things you mention - smoker, piercings, sometimes end up still in my pjs during the school run due to having 3 under 5s, but I go home to my book filled house and stare proudly at my gold framed degree and remind myself that I am better than the poorer lot. Or maybe not. Seriously, I would rather spend my time with kind and fun people, regardless of their income or education, than people who consider themselves abovethe other parents in the school.

On the plus side you may get your wish that your son doesn't fraternise with the other lesser kids - can't say you will always be welcomed back to a house you clearly look down your nose at.

What is FSM in schools? I always thought it was Flying Spaghetti Monsters?

Tubemole1 Mon 09-Dec-13 11:12:23

Kryptonite's post: short and to the point. Totes agree.

AmberLeaf Mon 09-Dec-13 11:13:53

FSM = Free school meals.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

NigellasLeftNostril Mon 09-Dec-13 11:16:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

expatinscotland Mon 09-Dec-13 11:17:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 09-Dec-13 11:20:04

I was responding to the previous poster who suggested that the child needs to be removed from the school and put into private school with 'like minded people' hmm rather than the OP.

MrsDeVere Mon 09-Dec-13 11:21:02

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

offblackeggshell Mon 09-Dec-13 11:21:09

fbiscuit in your case a lovely biscotti, obviously, not a pink wafer.

MrsDeVere Mon 09-Dec-13 11:22:21

I see that Amber has already made that point.

Soz

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 09-Dec-13 11:24:36

Actually, I wouldn't feel the same. I know this because my DS1 did go to exactly this kind of school (over 70% FSM) and I didn't feel this way. There were a lot of children with chaotic family lives (and the school provided support for this) and some parents I really didn't like, but it was a lovely school, with plenty of lovely families. Just because people are poor doesn't make them bad people.

Then we moved and DS1 went to a really horrible but very middle class school, where the families were (in general) far less likeable. But they had professional jobs and mortgages and cars and didn't have neck tattoos so it must have been an improvement. hmm

NigellasLeftNostril Mon 09-Dec-13 11:35:21

gosh that is so true calamitously, mine were at an estate school that had its share of 'chaos' and normal friendly families then when we moved down the hill some of the lovely educated mortaged to the hilt types were just vile, u could cut the judgemental atmosphere with a knife in the playground. What is more the school was so complacent in its intake that it made no effort.

CalamitouslyWrong Mon 09-Dec-13 11:43:48

Well, it's not necessarily a universal experience. Ds2's school is fairly middle class (although we do get parents in onsies on the school run shock) and it's lovely. I guess it's probably not a naice middle class school by Home Counties standards, though. wink

I like to think that DS1's horrible school was just an aberration, really. It was really, really awful in just about every possible way.

NoComet Mon 09-Dec-13 11:46:08

I know it's impossible to have a proper discussion of this in MN, but it is a huge problem.

And it's a problem the other way too.

My DDs went to 'naice' village school, mostly MC commuters and reasonably well off, very house proud, in work families.

We happen to live near to, about the only properly deprived, no stable job, boozing and generally dysfunctional family who has a child at the school.

She has an awful time, no one is actually nasty, but she gets left out and just sees everyone else with toys, clothes, cars, she can't dream off.

She comes round to play, only to find DD is at ballet, scouts, gymnastics.

She'd be hanging round like a lost sheep waiting for DD to get back.

Being poor and stuck in the back of beyond with no transport and almost no one your own age is no fun.

Being different from your peers weather richer or poorer or the only one of an ethnic group, religion or just the geek surrounded by 1D fans is always hard.

But I think money/class is hardest of all because it's so difficult to stop it permitting everything you are able to do.

wordfactory Mon 09-Dec-13 11:52:22

I think this must be a windup...who on earth owns a nightie these days? A onesie, surely OP grin.

But that said, no I don't think anyone would be chuffed to find themselves having to mix with parents who smoked, shouted and swore at the school gate.

I volunteered at a school where this happened and there were lots of poor parents who hated it every bit as much as the odd middle class parent who darkened the school's doors.

tweetytwat Mon 09-Dec-13 11:54:22

good grief OP, get your child out of that school now. You and your family are clearly far too good to mix with that scumhmm

DecorKateTheXmasTreeMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 09-Dec-13 11:56:55

Morning everyone,

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention. We're going to go through it shortly and remove posts that break our talk guidelines. Can we ask you all to think about our rules about troll hunting before posting?

FatOwl Mon 09-Dec-13 11:57:43

My dd goes to a private school

There are drugs, teenage pregnancy and drinking there too.
Also there are shitty kids and horrible parents.

You'd better home educate OP, nowhere will ever be good enough for you PFB

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now