pregnant and so lonely - despite having a Partner (Long I am afraid)

[Justmeandthebump]

I was going to post in the relationship forum but as it is so intertwined to pregnancy I thought I might get more useful advice here.

I am in my 3rd stage of pregnancy. I find that I am going to bed most nights crying. I was lying there last night trying to understand why and I think it is because I feel so lonely. I lay there on my side with baby kicking about and felt like it was just him and me and he was comforting me. Which made me cry more.

I think the problem arises from my partner working and me not working. With him working and me not the dynamic is completely different. If I dare complain about the smallest thing the answer will be that he works hard all week. If I ask him to do anything at the weekend his response is that he works all week and he has two days off so he will do what he likes.

I go to bed every night early (around 8 sometimes) as I am really struggling with heartburn, exhaustion, depression and general pregnancy related horribleness. He comes to bed every night when he wants - as late as 11 or 12. But he works so he can do what he likes.

When he is home all he does is sit on his computer/phone, chat to 'friends' on web forums to do with his hobby, watch DVDs to do with his hobby or play computer games - but he works so he can do what he likes.

At the weekend we live completely separate lives - in the same house. He will never sit and watch anything with me. We generally can't eat together because we eat separate things (pregnancy sickness). We don't do anything together and I can't complain about him being on his computer etc because it is his day off and he works hard all week.

I think he thinks staying at home all the time is so much fun. But it isn't - it is crap daytime TV and feeling lonely, washing up, being on your own, feeling too sick to eat, drinking tea and just waiting - like a dog - for your partner to come home. When he gets home I get a hug, a little chat, and then the same old separateness till I go to bed. He gets to go to work and have friends there and have an escape from home and a social life.

I, on the other hand, have no one at all here because we are in a new town. The money he earns he is incredibly selfish with and it goes on him.

He basically gets to do what he wants, gets drunk, smokes, watches what he wants, plays what he wants, comes to bed when he wants, does whatever he wants and doesn't have to do anything I want while I have to take it all and just not say anything because he works and I don't. He used to care so much about what I thought about certain things (him smoking or his appearance for eg) now he doesn't care what my opinion is and his way goes.

I don't know what to do anymore because we are about to have a baby. Last night I made the decision to just accept that we are going to live separate lives because that is kinder on my heart than constantly being rejected by him and waiting for intimacy that doesn't come.

Maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if it was just me and baby on our own. Does anyone have any similar feelings? Can anyone advise?

[brettgirl2]

I dont really know what to say but your partner is not treating you well.

All of this 'I work hard' stuff is bollocks. I've been in a demanding job / been in late preg at home and I know which I found easier.

He needs to shape up and start supporting you. Otherwise as you say you and your baby will be better off without him.

Are you receiving help/ counselling via your midwife?

[brettgirl2]

Also what about going to pregnancy yoga and aquanatal and that kind of thing?

[niceupthedance]

Sounds like it's less to do with him working and more about him being a selfish arse. If he's like this now, what's he going to be like when baby comes?

Late pregnancy is not a barrel of laughs, but he should be supporting you. When baby's here you will be able to go to groups etc and make some new friends - hopefully that will ease the loneliness. If not, I'd seriously think about what benefits the relationship is bringing you.

[ChestnutsRoastingonaWitchesTit]

His excuse that he works all week does not wash. My partner works til 6 every day while I'm off on mat leave but he comes home to talk with me and help with anything I haven't managed to get done during the day. We also have a 2 yr old and he will care for him and bathes and gets him ready for bed each night, Not sitting down til after 8.

I really hope your partner is simply making he most of his 'freedom' and will buckle down when the baby comes along.
This doesn't excuse him treating you with such offhandedness though. Have you told him you feel lonely?

You also need to sit down with him and plan how things will be when the baby comes. Is he going to continue to smoke?
What does he think the role of "Dad" involves?
Does he intend to shape up when he is one? Does he realise there might be some sort of sacrifice of his old life involved?

These are reasonable questions to ask because you will have your hands full looking after one baby.

[Justmeandthebump]

brettgirl2 there is a yoga group near me which I went to once and loved but the way money is I don't have enough to go. It also involves a long walk there and back which is hard as I have SPD. I basically have no money to do anything I want to do. I havent been to any groups and wouldn't know where to start. Everything costs money and I don't have any.

ChestnutsRoasting - he stopped smoking when we found out little one was on the way but took it up again a while ago and I can't say much as baby isn't here yet. Maybe it is like you said - his last bit of freedom. but it disgusts me.

When he hugs me he doesnt even hug me properly. I cry a lot and say I miss my mum - which I think is because I miss being held. I am so sad.

No I don't get anything at all from my Midwife - she is matronly and stern and laughs if I bring anything up to her like paranoia about the birth or worry about baby. I couldnt stand going to a doctor and saying I was depressed - I don't want to take pills or anything.

[Justmeandthebump]

I feel wretched just being pregnant everyday. I can't 'have a day off' from it like he can.

[brettgirl2]

Please go to the doctor or talk to a different midwife. Round here there are specialist perinatal services you dont have to take tablets if you dont want to. If you ring the docs/ get your mum to do it ask the receptionist who will be nice and understanding they will know.

The thing is that its hard from this side to see exactly whats going on. It might be that the reason your partner is behaving like this is that he doesnt know what to do to make you happy. Depression puts a terrible strain on relationships and if people feel helpless they can behave strangely.

Can you go and stay with your mum for a few days and talk to her?

[pollyontheshore]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can't give you any advice on your relationship but just wanted you to know that the doctors and midwives can give you loads of support if you can ask.

I'm also in late pregnancy and have been struggling with depression, I expected to be fobbed off but my midwife and doctor have been amazing. The doctor has seen me weekly and has arranged some extra support through the health visitor service and the midwife, as well as seeing me more regularly, has referred me to their mental health team. I know that pills are an option (last resort for me) but knowing I have this team of people I can ring any time and who can help me with coping strategies is getting me through at the moment.

If your community midwife is unhelpful could you try the hospital team? Mine are really supportive and they are there 24 hours a day. And GPs won't suggest pills as a first step, especially if you didn't want them. There's lots of other help they can offer. It does feel daunting admitting how you are feeling to a stranger but they are used to it!

[MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve]

Do you not even have money to get a bus into town?

It sounds like he is also financially absusive if you're basically living on nothing and he's keeping all the money.

I would repost this in relationship, love. This is not right, my DP was similar during the first trimester as I think he was freaked out by the pregnancy and he kind of retreated into his own space. I'm now 39 weeks and since the third tri he's been amazing, does most of the housework while working full time. Plus on weekends we do stuff together or just watch films. He does have his own time of course.

You need to get some money and get out there and do stuff for you, show him you aren't waiting on him x

[Justmeandthebump]

My mum lives hours away. And she isnt really there - she works a lot.
I don't know if I am depressed or just sad because of how things are at the moment and being without friends to support me. I know I am probably over emotional and cry a lot more - probably because of hormones. But I don't know what to do about my partner and how to make him see how difficult being pregnant is.

[Justmeandthebump]

Mmmnoodlesoup - I could get maybe a couple of pounds to go into town but then I wouldnt know what to do. Everything costs money and I don't think it'd help. I can't get any money until my Maternity Allowance is processed. As soon as he gets paid he withdraws it all.

[TwinkleReturns]

Please repost in relationships love. Im on my way out so cant post much but it sounds very similar to what happened in my relationship when I was pg with DD. Emotional abuse, which this is, can often start in pregnancy. The ladies over in relationships will be able to offer a lot of support and insight into this. Sorry I cant post more, will check back in later.

[MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve]

Jesus. He sounds horrible. I hope your MA comes through soon. I like to go into town and just have a little look around (broke here too!) and have a coffee and cake somewhere. You don't need lots of money to go out, just a fiver will do. What area are you in?

[MamaMary]

Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds rotten.

You need to post this in relationships as it's a relationship issue. The pregnancy is a secondary issue I think. He is being very selfish and cruel to you.

You will get lots of good advice in Relationships.

(Hugs)

[Phineyj]

Can you invite a friend to come and stay for a few days? Also, I understand money is an issue so an NCT class for you and DH is probably out of the question (although it would help get him to face a few facts about support that's needed from other half when the baby arrives), however, you could look at the resources on their website and they may have a local free meet up you (or ideally both of you) could go to. www.nct.org.uk/branches

Aquafit classes at your local leisure centre might be cheap? Personally I have gone off swimming since being very pregnant (I feel I look like a whale!) but one of my friends really liked being in the pool in late pregnancy as she had SPD too. Libraries are also a good source of free activities. You could find one that does baby & toddler sessions and go along now to meet a few mums in advance.

I am concerned about you saying that you have no money. Where is money going to come from when the baby arrives -- will you have to beg DH for it?

Also, I just wanted to say that my DH behaves a little like yours as he is introverted and does a job where he needs to talk all day, so on weekday evenings he genuinely does need to watch TV and not be chatty, but he still makes dinner (unless I feel like doing it) and spends the weekends with me. Mind you, he was a confirmed bachelor when we got together and it took years of retraining before he recognised that going off to do his hobby both days each weekend (or all three days on bank holiday weekends) was pretty annoying for me! We have been together for ages though, lived in the area for 10 years and I have my own family, friends and interests which makes it a lot easier to tolerate the hobby thing (personally I treat it as "me spending half day at one of your nerdy events" = "you have to come and patiently be audience for something I do"!)

I am wondering if maybe you and DP have been together for a shorter period and it hasn't dawned on him that he needs to make some significant adjustments now he's not single and about to be a dad. He may also be a bit depressed about the move to a new area, missing his old friends and worrying about being a dad but like a bloke, not talking about it.

If you get on well with his parents, can you get them to have a word? Does he have any friends you get on with? Sometimes with my DH, jokey comments on Facebook or even texting him gets more of a response than trying to have a conversation...men...!

[Phineyj]

Also I agree with other posters that if 'your' midwife isn't helpful try some others via the hospital directly or the GP surgery. The midwife who did my booking in appt at the hospital was matronly like you describe and gave me some really quite mad advice. Others have been much better - they are just people and vary so much.

I hope my previous post wasn't too light hearted as I know it is a serious problem but it is hard to tell with brief posts on here whether people's other halves are mean/abusive or just clueless. Also, moving house to a new area is always a depressing thing to begin with and it always takes longer to meet people than you think -- the positive aspect about pregnancy is that there are ways to meet people in the same situation.

[Izzyschangelingisarriving]

I had to switch on laptop to reply.

I am heavily pregnant and I often feel lonely, and I have no reason to at all.

Where in the UK are you or is that too identifying. Firstly I think you need to tackle him about money - you can't be left with none - thats just cruel - and frankly, if thats the case, you would be better off as a single parent.

He sounds self absorbed - have you tried to talk to him?

If I was you, in this situation, I would be packing my bags and going to your mums.

[Justmeandthebump]

Thanks everyone. Phineyj moving to the new area has only really affected me as I left everything I knew but he didnt have any friends/fam there to start with. He doesnt see his family and parents live far away. I will repost in relationships - thank you everyone.

[Justmeandthebump]

Izzy - I am up North. I try to tackle him about money but he just says ok ok and nothing changes. If I try to talk to him I always cry and then he says he doesnt want a row. Or he'll just say "fine, I'll go then". I would love to pack my bags right now but she isnt really there and I don't want my dad to worry about me. They stress about me so much and I don't want to upset them.

[Justmeandthebump]

Sometimes I do think I would be better off as a single parent.

[AbigailAdams]

Oh sweetheart your partner isn't very nice at all is he. He is financially abusing you and emotionally abusing you too. He is isolating you and making you dependent on him but then not actually giving you any support. Really it doesn't matter that he is working all week. He should be helping you. Please consider ringing Women's Aid. It is very very common for abuse to start (or ramp up) during pregnancy when you're vulnerable. I would also consider going back to live with your mother (even if it is only temporary) if you get on well with her and she will be supportive.

Have you broached the subject of a joint account with him? If so, what did he say or how did he react?

I would also ring/speak to CAB to find out if you are entitled to any more money.

Here is another useful website too Rights of Women.

But please post in Relationships as there are so many great women there who have been through this.

Please be aware though that this abuse is only likely to get worse once your child is born. And as he is abusive he isn't going to change, ever. So really think about what you want and what you are getting out of the relationship now and try and get a handle on your logistical and financial options while you can.

And be careful of your internet history too.

Sending you a virtual hug too as you need it!

[AbigailAdams]

You probably would be better off as a single parent. You would certainly have access to more money.

[AbigailAdams]

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

[MrsHuxtable]

I'm so sorry you're in that situation. It sounds heart-breaking.

Can I ask if this was a planned pregnancy that your partner was also committed to or was it more of an accident and he actually didn't want to be a dad?

[AbigailAdams]

And let your Dad worry about you. That's his job. Is he generally supportive to you? If so, he wouldn't want you suffering. Really he wouldn't. (Neither would your mother).