to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

(264 Posts)
IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:44:59

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

GrumpyOldHorsewoman Wed 23-Jan-13 14:27:07

I heard that Phyllida Law story!

Oh dear, I'm sorry for your dilemma, but you've cheered up what had been a woeful Wednesday no end!

grin grin grin

KirstyoffEastendersweirdtoplip Wed 23-Jan-13 14:11:43

Amazing stuff, just cut-and-paste that into a round-robin email at work it was that good! smile

MumVsKids Wed 23-Jan-13 14:02:32

I am literally weeping at this.

9 mth ds is looking at me like this hmm as is DH!!

Brilliant op!!

DH says all you need is an onion and a pair of scissors to get rid of worms. Cut the onion in half, squat over it, and when the worm comes down towards the smell of the onion, chop its head of with the scissors.

Job done.

<still weeping>

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 06-Jan-13 23:01:15

In the interest of raising a laugh I have resurrected this thread as I remember it first time round. Wish the op would come back...

FairyArmadillo Sat 11-Feb-12 00:46:41

This is the funniest thread I've read on MN grin

CardyMow Fri 10-Feb-12 02:36:56

WHY is this still not in classics? I couldn't find it when I was looking for it!

BigChiefOrganiser Fri 18-Mar-11 02:34:49

ROB(ed)L so much DH is fed up And going to sleep on sofa! grin

poopnscoop Wed 09-Mar-11 07:59:18

Thank you for the brilliant laugh!!! Oh this is too funny

I hope your er.. problem... is sorted soon

(still chuckling)

HecateTheCrone Wed 09-Mar-11 07:21:34

Oh this HAS to go in Classics!

And I wonder if the OP still works at the same place grin

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 09-Mar-11 02:22:20

Why was this thread never put in Classics? Is there a Too Revolting caveat in there?

LifesABeach14 Wed 09-Mar-11 02:16:32

I have never laughed so hard on t'internet in my life!!!!

giyadas Wed 09-Mar-11 00:57:39

hehe I saw this first time round. You should have walked out head held high, declared "last woman standing" with pride, and faked incomprehension to anyone who didn't greet you with unequivocal praise grin

rupert1 Wed 09-Mar-11 00:49:32

well done,makes my day seem so very boring,You should be very proud of yourself,wish i was there.

thumbwitch Wed 09-Mar-11 00:34:38

oh how did I miss this the first time around?

You poor woman. It wouldn't have mattered one jot if you and all your co-workers had been male - you would have gone down as some kind of legend. I know this because that is exactly what happened to DH after a similar seek-and-destroy stench episode in his works' loo - it was unusable for easily half an hour but everyone high-fived him and said "good one!"
They were still talking about the "day DH stunk the workfloor out" months later, with admiring glances and much backslapping.

Men are peculiar animals...
grin

slim22 Wed 09-Mar-11 00:33:51

Oh am laughing out loud!

ClittyClatterous Wed 09-Mar-11 00:27:13

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry if you were traumatised. I would have been to but from the outside looking in it is a very funny story. You made me smile before I log out and go to sleep.

Just brazen it out. Everyone has one vile poo incident in their lives. I'll quickly share mine.

New bathroom being fitted. Plumbers fitted the toilet one night temporarily so we could use it and they would finish the next day. I was 9 mth pregnant. Did a man size poo (7ft burly man). Happy and relieved it was out of my system.

Next day I came home from a day out and was told the horrendous story by DH of how the plumber hadn't fitted the outside waste pipe correctly. He had noticed and when he took the pipe out to refit it my man size (7ft burly man) poo had festered overnight and expanded in water. It was a very hot July. Plumbers assistant had to remove it and was found wretching in the back garden for quite a while after.

Poor fella. I didn't feel guilty. It made me laugh for a week. grin

HeartSkipsABeat Tue 08-Mar-11 22:55:35

Fucking brilliant thread! Wow there are some classics on MN, I've only been here a year (with different names) - so much to catch up on...

Tomorrow you could use two garlic cloves, if one was bad, two could be lethal. If anyone comments threaten them with three assuming it will not make your back end pant with the devils itching and your eyes water before you can bung the little cubicle up...

Just a thought - really...

Marjee Sat 17-Jul-10 21:11:03

Hahahaha! I'm literally shrieking with laughter at this thread! Thats absolutely hilarious, thanks op for the best laugh I've had in ages!

SugarMousePink Sat 17-Jul-10 17:53:36

Pumpkin seeds?? her arse would be like a machine gun!!

That's the thread winner for me - my tummy is hurting from laughing so much. IB - hope you are feeling a bit better now!

Cinderellarach Sat 17-Jul-10 16:16:45

grin

Sorreeee!

tiredfeet Sat 13-Mar-10 13:45:49

I am soooo regretting opening this thread given I have truly horrendous morning sickness at the moment

OP, poor you, but given that info is out there on the internet I bet you're not the first person that has happened to (hoping that gives you some comfort!).

Still ROFL at this

kalo12 Thu 21-Jan-10 21:09:36

I hope this makes the daily mail round up

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