to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

(264 Posts)
IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:44:59

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Thu 14-Jan-10 18:01:14

I still think this stinks of a wind-up; the brussels sprouts and lentils were too good to be true, and the lingering detail on such things as changing clean nappies smells to me of someone egging the puidding.

how you managed to avoid whistling when farting, is beyond me.

pmsl

GettinTrimmer Thu 14-Jan-10 18:04:06

Doesn't compare Incontinent, but I had really bad wind on Christmas Day and had to keep leaving the room or my in-laws would have got it. Nothing worse than having to hold it in.

grin at TheFoosa

Miggsie Thu 14-Jan-10 18:05:12

If you drink half a bottle of mead you get honey flavoured farts (according to my DH).

A good antidote perhaps?

YANBU....stay away for a few days and invent a tropical disease that you cannot risk giving to the children thus preventing you from going in for a week.

My cat had worms and the vet's treatment was way nicer than that.

I once got stuck in a traffic jam in a hot car with a cat that had just had an enema so can completeley symathise with the smell making you want to chuck up.

I also had a friend with a Great Dane that was incontinent and every time it barked a little turd shot out at toddler eye height...that was also vile. Although someties it missed people and just hit the wall.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:22:11

OurLady I can see why you think so but I honestly, really, truly am NOT making any of it up. It's all true, including the changing nappies - the style of the OP is quite over-egging, but if you were going to confess something like this how would you phrase it?

For some reason it's really important to me that people BELIEVE me - I think I am traumatised blush

And really, truly, there is a person out here who is going to have to walk into that nursery tomorrow and face everybody!

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:23:11

if you shove it up far enough the urge to push it out doesn't happen blushblush

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 18:27:50

amazing what you learn here

not that I'll be trying it anytime soon

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:29:29

DON'T

please, please don't!

Undercovamutha Thu 14-Jan-10 18:34:11

I am in stitches. The funniest thing I have read for a long time.

I think you should go in tomorrow and never mention it again.

Everyone will know it was you, and will probably be talking about it behind your back, but at least you don't have to actually broach the subject.

<off to read the OP again just to have another chuckle.....>

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:36:16

they definitely all know it was me

for one thing I was walking and blushing like someone who had just done a large toxic shit and spent ten minutes marooned in a small enclosed space with it

and I'm not kidding when I say I had to change my clothes, they stank of it

garlic, ffs

it couldn't have been worse

duchesse Thu 14-Jan-10 18:38:29

OK, if you are for real with this real dilemma, you could just say that you ODed on garlic capsules. If needs be you could say that you were taking it for the threadworm if you feel you need to come clean about them. No need whatsoever to mention any cloves up where the sun don't shine.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:40:55

I am for real

I don't think I can tell them about the worms, I think that would just be the cherry on the top of my reputation as the skankiest scumbucket ever to walk the earth

I don't think I can mention it at all actually

I will have to pretend I don't know that they are pretending they don't know it was me

if I walk in there tomorrow and everyone goes quiet, or sorse still if it still smells, I am going to have to pretend to faint or throw up or something

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:42:31

I take my hat off to you op. you certainly did your research!

garlic up the bum

oh, and that is not a picture btw grin tis safe.

grin

Oh dear oh dear.

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 18:44:00

be brazen. Go in there wearing a gas mask and say, boy I'm going to be needing this today, sorry girls!

RolandButter Thu 14-Jan-10 18:44:39

lolat op

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:45:12

zzz - better still, she should go in with a whole lot of them and hand the buggers out [grni]

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:45:57

sorry, grin of course. I appear to be quite overcome. high almost. it must be something in the air...

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:46:13

ffs HeQuet I am NOT bullshitting! I did google and yes, I really did eat a tonne of garlic and shove some up my arse

In fact I did it twice

but only disgraced myself at work the once

it's true!! Hideously, excruciatingly true.

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:48:02

that link is one of the sites I went to

krugerparkrules Thu 14-Jan-10 18:48:53

Haha -sorry this is so funny.

I have done the brazen approach - I once farted in front of a colleague, a very obvious fart (I was pregnant and seemed to have lost normal ability to hold on) - for some reason i denied it and pretended that my shoes had made the noise! It was so lame, he knew i knew, but i looked him firmly in the eye and didnt budge on my "oops was that my shoes making that noise"

ZZZenAgain Thu 14-Jan-10 18:49:05

come on now. I believed every word till I got to the bit about brussels sprouts and lentils. No one eats brussel sprouts with lentils. I'm sure loads of people cram garlic up their bum though

ElenorRigby Thu 14-Jan-10 18:49:11

yawn

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 18:50:41

erm, we did eat brissels sprouts with lentils

also with spinach, sweetcorn and salmon

I have just moved one of my two freezers inside form the garage and we are using up the odds and ends

tonight was cottage pie and brussels sprouts

I'm not fibbing, honestly! Somebody really is this stupid blush

heQet Thu 14-Jan-10 18:50:53

I don't disbelieve you. I am keeping an open mind.

I am just laughing my garlic free arse off either way. blush I'm sorry. I am happy to take this at face (or should that be arse?) value, but that's the best I can do, I'm afraid. The embarrassing stories of others, when told as well as you have, are impossible to not laugh at.

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