Mumsnet Talk

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

oh and

Is that supposed to be a picture of my arse?

You're not wrong.

I swear to God, it's all true.

pmsl
you shoved a garlic up your arse ???

have the worms gone then

yanbu , get your cv out

PMSL

Are you for real?

I would like to read the references they supply!

I honestly swear I haven't made a single word of this up

it was HIDEOUS

Sometimes vile chemical preparations are a good choice.

rofl

Next time just go to Boots, eh?

I've sent dh out for Pripsen

but I can't go to work tomorrow, I just can't face everyone

I have never smelt anything as foul as that in my life - and you know how much WORSE it is when it's somebody else's, imagine how the others must have felt

I'm crying I've laughed so much!

I'm crying. Sorry.

You wouldn't be laughing if you had been in there

I'm not joking, I had to change my clothes when I got home

I'm eating so skim-reading but still laughing, crying and snorting simultaneously.

Oh dear I will go home with a smile now!! Sorry - but I will.

Get the stuff from the chemist. It works and is pretty fast about it.

ROFL

DS2 is looking at me like I am bonkers I am sniggering so much.

In deference to your obvious pain I am trying really hard not to snigger.

Sorry

I can't laugh out loud - I'm at work, in a hospital! I may rupture something though because that is the funniest thing I've read for a long time.

Thanks so much - you smell but you've made me smile and after the day I've had I NEEDED that.

YANBU by the way - I think you should move abroad tbh.

You'll have to face it you know. Brazen it out with your colleagues. If you have one you're particularly friendly with I'd fess up and laugh about it with her. It will lessen the pain.

Poor you.

ROFL!

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

Dirtgirl no affable professional relationship is that affable. You didn't smell it. It hit the back of my throat as soon as the garlic popped out, God knows what it was like the for poor cow who followed me in.

I haven't even told dh, I just said "can you pick up some Pripsen". I can just about cope with being laughed at by you lot, but not dh all night as well

Can I advise getting the ovex tablets rather than pripsen. They are much better though pricey. Unsurprising you have caught worms if you work in a nursery.

Maybe you could call in sick with a tummy bug tomorrow then sympathies may be on your side?!!

Phyllida Law was on Woman's Hour a couple of months ago and she told an anecdote about driving granny to Scotland with a clove of garlic up her arse and blaming the country smells for the pong.

Stick with the drugs in future.