fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

(219 Posts)
TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 08:39:12

cat. In and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and food food food food food.

BigDog. Follow cat and breathe and pant and herd and pant and bark and herd and breathe and bark.

SmallDog. When not shagging the cat wilk not leave BigDog alone. Nose up arse and lick and lick and yap and yap snd lick snd sniff and luck and sniff.

All. The. Fucking. Time. Round. And. Round. And. Round. In. Circles.

I no longer love them. In fact I hate them all.

duchesse Tue 26-Mar-13 14:56:08

My dogs are definitely shit pets the self serving little bastards. I shift about half a tonne of crap off the lawn every couple of days.

Erebus Tue 26-Mar-13 15:04:01

It's not often a MN thread makes me wee myself just a bit.

But this one has! grin

'lamb vortex'
'Much Loved' family pet being referred to as 'that little fucker'. Classic.

jollymary Tue 26-Mar-13 15:04:52

Laughing like a drain..... Fab. Just fab, all of you.

Cockadoodlequack Tue 26-Mar-13 15:13:01

I've laughed so hard at this thread grin

I can still vividly remember in my late teens, standing in the sunshine chatting to a new friend and her mum at my front gate, trying desperately to overcome my shyness and be cool and grown up. A car was coming down the road, and as it drew closer the accompanying freakish noise and ungodly smell became stronger. We stopped talking and all turned to look...

It was my parents and sister, returning from a park with our two labs. They burst out the car, sister half laughing/half panicking, parents yelling at me to open the back door, grab the doggy towels and get the dogs in the garden. The noise had been a combination of the dogs hacking and howling and crashing around in the car exploding D&V from both ends, and the horrified shouts of the human passengers as they raced to get all of them out of the confined space.

The smell was a mixture of violent doggy sick, violent doggy poo, stagnant pond water and days old curry (both undigested and stuck to the outside of the dogs, or partially digested, stuck to the dog and the inside of the car). They had disappeared into the trees, and were found several minutes later with their heads in a big black sack which had been dumped there who knows when, eating the bright yellow slop as fast as they could (which for a labrador, is pretty fast). They had already thrown themselves into a disgusting pond and tanked up on the water before being dragged out, so the lab-time-bomb was set.

The car door was opened and my friend and her mum stood well back as two lunatic dogs, covered in horrifc substances and barking away to make sure not a single neighbour missed the spectacle, bounded towards the garden where I was brandishing bonios to ensure they didn't fancy a detour round the house, stopping only to be sick by the gate.

After shutting the dogs outside, I went back round the front and said goodbye to my friend and her mum, neither of whom mentioned the spectacle still playing out in the wrecked car in front of them but left pretty quickly.

The shame. Cr^iiiiiii^nge. And Ewwww!

I have my own house now and a child. I don't have a dog. Whenever I think I would like one, I remember this story, or one of the many other (although less dramatic) stories I have to tell about this mad pair of hounds, and think again grin.

PipkinsPal Tue 26-Mar-13 15:18:37

My 2 cats are in, out, in, out etc. When they want to go out, I let them. As soon as they see me through the patio doors having a lovely sit down they are there wanting to come back in. The fat one Troy seems to think everytime he comes in or before he goes out he has to have some food. Barnaby has a special cry for water. No, not for the fresh water in his bowl but an extra bowl in the bath and the shower topped up for him to drink. FFS doesn't he realise I'm on a water meter?

Hmm. I'm not convinced that polar bears would make better pets. I for one don't fancy swapping dismembered rabbits for mutilated seals or penguins under the dining room table.

Chimpanzees on the other hand....

My bastard Staffie has developed the art of shit eating. She eats Senile Dog's shit, the cats shit if she gets into the baby-gated room where the litter box is situated...I've even caught her spinning around mid shit in the hope of ingesting her own. Garden is now sparkling as I practically have to catch it on the way out to stop this delicate habit.

The other day, distracted by the baby, I can only assume she got some before I did. An hour after she went out I heard that ominous pre-barf noise and flew out of the living room...in time to see her retching up what looked like the most enormous cow pat in history.

I don't do sick. I especially don't do shitty sick. How I didn't sick on the dog I don't know.

Now there is a lovely yellow stain all over the carpet. Every time she walks past it she sniffs it and snorts, as if to say "that's still there? You lot are fucking disgusting".

Yeah, 'cos I'M the one with issues here.

Bitch. In every sense.

I got laughed at in the last meeting I went to. I opened up my notes and they were covered in bad cats muddy paw prints. She is sat on my desk now staring at me, pretending to be all sweet and innocent, but in reality she's hoping that my very important letter is becoming well and truely mudified.

CMOTDibbler Tue 26-Mar-13 15:27:40

3 cats, 2 fish, 1 dog, 1 rabbit, 1 pony. I can just about cope with the mud/hair/decapitated things, but then I'm peacefully working, and dog drops a slobbery ball lovingly onto my keyboard. Or cat3 decides to drag a wild rabbit in and eat it while I'm giving a webinar. Then I think lovingly of a white, minimalistic flat in a city..

Tallyra Tue 26-Mar-13 15:31:50

Mimsy, I watched a 'Dog Whisperer' a few years ago that had a problem shit-eating dog, and he managed to persuade the dog to eat banana instead - something to do with the texture and the potassium. It made me not want to eat a banana for a very long time, but it helped the people on the programme....

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 15:36:44

On another univers/time continuumthingy i live alone in a white minimalist apartment. And wear makeup and heels.

Tallyra Tue 26-Mar-13 15:43:59

Hmm. We bought a cream sofa when we got married.

Then we moved into a house with a neighbour that had a penchant for rescuing staffies from horrible people, and ended up with one of them. Now the sofa is a kind of speckled light/dark mud colour with the occasional spot of blood as he has managed to cut his paw ridiculously. As he is a staffie, it is impossible to keep a bandage on, stop him jumping, tugging, killing sticks (we have a log burner so there is a giant 'toy box' in both the living room and the garden) etc and keeping him off the sofa was a no-no from the moment we got him. We tried it the first day we got him and he was just so incredibly unhappy we gave in.

He now curls up on my lap on the sofa under a quilt. Or jumps all over us and shoves a tug toy in our faces or into our open hands. It's one or the other, rarely ever anything in between!

SecretLindtBunny Tue 26-Mar-13 15:46:44

I went over to the shop earlier and on the way back I saw one of the doors open for at least 5 minutes. As I was nearing it, a foot gently shoved a ct out and closed the door behind it. The cat licked one paw and turned around and went back in through the cat flap that was in the door just closed!

I grinned and thought of this thread.

birdofthenorth Tue 26-Mar-13 15:48:12

My doodles were groomed to an inch if their life today. I definitely love them more now they are not dreadlocked fiends dragging mud and dust through the house smile

doctorhamster Tue 26-Mar-13 16:00:21

My bastard cat keeps bringing his mates home to share his food, sleep on my sofas and infest the house with Fucking Fleas.

FeckOffCup Tue 26-Mar-13 16:17:01

Am crying with mirth at this thread it should be in classics.

My bastardcat was threatened with being turned into a pair of gloves yesterday for the crime of shitting behind the tv and pissing on DD's doll's bed (which thankfully is fabric and machine washable). She was shut in the kitchen last night for her misdemeanors and voiced her displeasure this morning until even my 2 year old said in exasperation "oh shut up <bastardcatname>".

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:21:00

And it is nearly feeding time.

Orange cat will eat all his own then shove everyone else out the way and steal theirs.
Stupid cat will stand there looking sgupid and let others eat hers then get all upset.
They will jump up. I will shove thrm down. They will jump up. I will shove down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.

The dogs will then want a walk. And it is cold.

Bastards.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:22:06

I actually hate them all.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 16:24:28

And having eaten too much orange cat is likely to puke somewhere.

happypotamus Tue 26-Mar-13 16:36:49

We have 3 cats.
Small Orange Cat randomly shits on the floor every so often. I was particularly unimpressed when I was just falling back to sleep at 4.45am after being awake with ill DC to hear him scratching around on our bedroom carpet before there was a horredous smell. He had chosen to shit on the spare uncovered duvet which had fallen on to the floor. The duvet was ruined and I never did get back to sleep.
2 long-haired white cats were a stupid idea as a pet. White fur is every fucking where. I vacuum and 6hrs later have to vacuum again. I spent a hour brushing fur off my coat before an important trip to London but it still didn't look much better. I couldn't even watch tv while doing it because they had knocked the cables that connect the Virgin box to the tv. They are perfectly litter tray trained, but do loose shits that get in their fur so we have to wash their shitty arses before the sit on the furniture. They stink.
One in particular is obsessed by my hair. He sits by me and licks/ chews it. Yesterday, while I was making an important phone call he constantly tried to climb on my shoulder (he is huge) to get to it.
They sit at the top of the stairs in the dark waiting to trip us up.

LisaMed Tue 26-Mar-13 16:46:40

Evil cat this morning was sitting in her lair by the radiator and started her pre-vomit song. She does the drama really well - five minutes of operatic 'I'm going to be sick' song and then two minutes of convulsive regurgitation noises and then one small teaspoon of froth. Except this morning she had the sick song, dragged herself across the living room carpet and then threw up into my slippers.

Not happy.

I have literally written a book about our cats.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 17:11:37

Dogs wslked.

Stupid big dog forgets he is old and knackered, jaunts like a puppy, then falls over and has trouble walking home.

Stupid small dog won't wear a coat, then shivvers and looks sad and tortured all the way.

And then i get in. My chin is frostbitten and the stupid cat is wailing for food. Again.

Bastards.

FeckOffCup Tue 26-Mar-13 17:40:01

I've just returned from the kitchen to find a fucking cat that doesn't even live here curled up on a kitchen chair, as if one furry nuisance isn't enough. I suspect this is because I have had to prop open the catflap because my thick cat is scared of it flapping in the wind, my kitchen is bloody freezing because of it and I can feel a draught coming under the door, now I'm going to have to buy a draught excluder. When this cat dies I am never getting another one, the bloody thing doesn't even like me it only goes to DH so I get all the work and none of the benefit.

TeggieCampbeggBlegg Tue 26-Mar-13 17:44:51

How can kittins be so lovely and so sweet and grow in to such utter bastards?

kiwigirl42 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:45:53

our pets are all over-spoilt pains in the arses.

Ragdoll 1: prima donna 'I'm considerably more well bred than you' type; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Ragdoll 2: mad fucker; wall eyed; uncertain parentage ? half squirrel; will take on anything (so much for being placid shock); expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Moggie 3: old; most awful violin type wowl; stubborn fecker; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Labrador: slave to cats; will eat anything except bananas, funnily enough considering upthread, likes to roll in anything over 20 days dead; likes to eat shit and puke back; expert at in out in out in out game but not as good as cats; big scaredy cat who won't go out in dark by self; currently on state of high alert as has not yet been taken for walk - if I twitch an eyebrow she almost shits herself with excitement; moults like a bastard; shits her own body weight thrice daily

Rabbit: ungrateful, self serving little fecker who gives nothing back except crap

fucking bastard animals.

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