Feelings after miscarriage

[hewlettsdaughter]

Hi everyone

This is my first post to mumsnet so apologies if I should have added to another thread instead of starting a new one. I've just had two early miscarriages a couple of months apart - both times I was only 4 or 5 weeks' pregnant so I hadn't known that I was pregnant for long. I don't feel terribly sad, I don't blame myself, but - at the moment - I DO feel angry. Has anyone else felt like this?

[griffy]

So sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had two miscarriages before DS was born, and each was a different experience, starting different feelings at different times, including anger. Anger's a very human reaction to loss, and - as I'm sure you know - there's no right or wrong way to feel. Do you feel angry in any particular direction - or just angry at everything?

[hewlettsdaughter]

I'm not sure I can articulate what I'm angry at. I went to work today and was (inwardly) angry at someone that was moaning about what seemed to me to be a very insignificant thing. Also I have been taking my anger out on DH, just by being irritable, although I know this isn't fair. He hasn't done anything wrong.

[Skara]

I miscarried a couple of months ago at 7 weeks and yes, I felt angry too. And sad, and jealous of friends who are pregnant, and lots of other emotions too. At the moment I'm dealing with the seemingly insurmountable problem of dh having decided he doesn't want any more children. As far as he's concerned, 2 is enough and he doesn't want to have any more. I feel cheated - not only have I had a m/c which I am having to deal with alone as he seems to have put it out of his mind (mainly I guess because he didn't want the baby anyway) but I have lost my last chance at baby no.3 which was always our plan. A dear friend has recently had a baby and it had brought lots of painful emotions to the surface which I didn't expect. No point to this post really other than to agree that yes I have felt angry - I think it's a normal part of the grief process.

[Ghosty]

I know how you feel hewlettsdaughter ... I had a miscarriage in November (at 12 weeks) and it was devastating. It is so hard to explain to someone who has not gone through it isn't it? I felt very sad at the time but I actually get angry now more than I did then because then I was so certain that it wouldn't be long before I was pregnant again ... and now 6 months on I am still not pregnant and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be again. I especially feel low at the moment because we are a week away from the baby's due date ... DH has not remembered of course, but it is in my head all the time.
Sorry ... this is not making you feel better at all is it?
Do you have any children already? Have you talked to you gp about why it might be that you have miscarried twice so early? Presumably you know all the statistics about miscarriages and how common they are? I know it doesn't make you feel better but at least you know you are not alone...
It is good that you don't blame yourself ... that is a pointless exercise ... but don't worry about feeling low about it ... you have to give yourself time to grieve ... however early, a miscarriage is still a lost baby ...
Thinking of you .... welcome to mumsnet ... and keep posting
Love Ghosty ....

[quackers]

Helooo there - welcome! I'm really sorry about your m/c's. It's a really big thing to deal with and get over just like that and your feelings will swing around from anger to sadness and back again. I agree with Ghosty have you asked for a possible reason for such early m/c's? They probably won't do anything though unless you have had three. I don't think they consider it a problem till then, which is good in a way and bad ina another. I know there are a few reasons but also it might just be coincidence that they were early.
When did you last miscarry? Is it very recent? Your hormones won't help. I ended up belting my poor hubby because of anger at first after m/c, I wanted to blame someone and he is the wrong place at the right time as they say!!
Please do keep in touch with us all here as we all log on pretty much every day several times and will always be here to discuss whatever - we can't half talk on Mumsnet! Big hugs for you xxx
Ghosty - I will be thinking of you over the next week. I am dreading that week myself and have arranged a little holiday for just after to keep our spirits up. I'm having a bit of a tough day today. I can't seem to stop having tears in my eyes and thinking about it. I've got serious PMT so it's probably that, but I hope no-one at work is looking at me now!
Skara - I am sorry for you loss too. Your husband might be dealing with your loss a bit differently and it might have been nore of a shock to him than you are aware of and doesn't want that pain again or even pain for you as he will see how it has affected you. Step back a little bit maybe. I don't know all the details of your circumstances but I do know men are strange creatures and do things very differently! Take care and keep us posted on how things are going for you
xxxx

[Claireandrich]

Hi and welcome to mumsnet.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal and justified. When I mc at 7 weeks I felt all sorts of emotions. I had been ttc for over a year and I felt sad, jealous, anger, everything at the loss. As has already been said anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Give yourself time to come to terms with this.

[StripyMouse]

Hi hewelttsdaughter. Although i haven?t been through exactly what you have suffered, I can empathise to a certain extent. When we miscarry it is normal and natural to grieve afterwards. The problem (not the right word but can?t find a better one) with grieving is that we are all different and all cope/react in our ways - which is fine. There are a few really normal and common reactions to grief (vulnerability, guilt etc.)and one of those is anger. What you are experiencing is very very normal and not surprising in the slightest after your terrible time. There are loads of reasons to potentially feel angry (rightly or wrongly) - why me? why twice? why can that woman have a normal pregnancy and not me? why can?t modern science prevent this sort of thing? etc. etc. It is also very normal to feel irritable and feel like you have no patience whatsover with anyone else (I know this is how I felt). I don?t really know why this is the case it might just be that feeling that you have just had enough and everyone should just get their act together and cope because after all that is what you are having to do.
The best thing you could do for yourself is to get some support and help - it could be in talking it through with a friend or partner or it could take the form of going to your doctor and asking about counselling. Don?t ignore these feelings, it will be so much better if you address and deal with it now than leave it, believe me. You have been through a lot and deserve a bit of self TLC. The fact that you had early miscarriages doen?t make them less significant or devastating to you. If you are like me, you might be feeling that you don?t want to talk about it any more and certainly don?t want to see a counsellor - please think again. You don?t have to go through this alone - you or your partner.

[Ghosty]

What a great post StripyMouse .... the 'Why me?' thing especially ... thank you ...
Hewlettsdaughter ... I hope you are feeling ok this morning ... I have been thinking about you and everyone else who has gone through something like this a lot today ...
quackers ... thanks for your lovely kind words ...

[Marina]

Hewlettsdaughter, as others have said, welcome to Mumsnet and so sorry to hear about your two losses. Agree that anger is part and parcel of the grieving process - I used my anger to galvanise myself into making quite a fuss about a couple of things to do with my hospital follow-up (which I had no problem getting because mine was a late second-trimester miscarriage - I think the way pre-13 week losses are handled is VERY patchy in the UK).
The anger I felt and still feel when I saw people treating their babies in an off-hand or shouty way in the street was much more difficult to deal with constructively.
You will find lots of support here from people who have experienced pregnancy loss, and the wider community of mums here too!
Ghosty, you will be so much in my thoughts over the next week too. I know what a deeply horrible time this "anniversary" can be. Cyberhugs XXX

[quackers]

I remember seeing a teenager in the street at 2 in the morning, obviously drunk and holding a baby of about 6 months. I was so annoyed and said get that poor child to bed! I really got some abuse from here but I don't care! Did you hear about the poor baby bitten by that dog in France. Unbelievable. The 'friend' fell asleep after getting drunk and her dog attacked it. Now I feel angry!!!

[boogs]

Hewlettsdaughter, how awful it must be for you to have gone thru that twice. I am sorry for your loss, but also glad that you at least are trying to sort out how you feel, which is something I'm not sure I've done at all. I m/c at 7 weeks and thought it was ok because I didn't really have time to settle in to the pg. But now I realise that I did and do still have feelings like you decsribed and more. I think it's very important to talk to to dh/p because they are in it too, and communication is vital if you want to move on and up. I almost forgot about dh and how he might be feeling. I still feel tho that we need to talk more about it, not urgently, but so that we know we understand each other, especially since we still want to get pg. I hope this helps you, and remember, you're not alone. Hope you feel better soon!

[Enid]

hewlettsdaughter, not much to add except sympathy, had a miscarriage a while ago now and still feel sad around 16 May which was the fabled due date. Still, now have a healthy beautiful 7 month old dd which really helps.

I think its completely normal to feel 'misplaced' anger

love E x

[Claireandrich]

Can I echo the advise to try to talk about it to to someone - your partner, your parents, a firend, a counsellor, or at least just here. I didn't and it did me no good at all. I even when to work the day I miscarried - I just didn't know what I should do or how to react. I did talk t my Dh about it at the time but not properly.I think we skirted round the issue rather than discuss how we felt. I also didn't talk to my mum or MIl, or friends until about 4 or 5 weeks later. By then I was feeling awful and it just came out one day. I felt like this for quite a while after - months - and now feel that talking about it would hvae been the better thing to do.

[boogs]

Will be thinking of you Ghosty. xx

[hewlettsdaughter]

Hi again, thanks for all your messages - welcomes, kind words etc. I was reading them while at work today but waited until I came home to post again. Quackers, you may be right about my hormones. My second miscarriage is very recent, as in I started bleeding (and cramping) on Sunday, went to doc's on Monday, and was losing clots yesterday. Like you, Claireandrich, I went to work, not really knowing what to do (I managed my first miscarriage like this - it happened so early I figured there wasn't much point going to the doctor. The bleeding that time stopped after a couple of weeks). Seems standard practice round my way is to be referred for tests after 3 miscarriages. That's ok by me, I know it could just be chance that I've had 2. I already have a son (coming up to 4).

Skara - I'm sorry about your situation. I hope things sort themselves out.

[hewlettsdaughter]

I'd like to echo Batters' message too

[quackers]

Hi again! Soyou already have a son! Well you know you have no problem carrying a baby to term as you've done it before! Did you not \hve a scan then when you started bleeding or have you just left it? . To be honest I m/carried 10 weeks ago and have had so many problems after, I ahve only just stopped bleeding and the anger and frustration builds up so much sometimes! You just want your body back to be able to try again! I have my lovely if not at times troublesome 2 year old to lean on, she keeps me going, although it's hard to explain to them why you're sad especially when she says - baby gone!I really wish you well - truly! Please keep in touch! I hope you heal and go on to try for another soon!
xxx

[hewlettsdaughter]

Poor you, that's bad if it's taken all that time to stop bleeding. Were you many weeks? I wasn't offered a scan, the doc just examined me and said she thought I was probably right, I was miscarrying. Re trying again - yes, that's the next thing to think about... after the first miscarriage (which, like this one, was very early) we waited a month and then tried again. Not sure whether to do this again or just go for it. We're keen to conceive soon as we have wanted to have another child for a while - we were just putting it off for financial reasons.

[susanmt]

Hewlettsdaughter (and others) - so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I just wanted to add my experience - before dd was conceived I had 2 miscarriages at around the 10 week mark, and I was basically just told to go home and rest and there was nothing they could do. I too felt very angry about it all, with dh, with myself, with the docs, with the people who werent taking me seriously -- etc etc etc I ended up having several weeks of counselling (which my doc wouldn't refer me for) when I actually got clinically depressed - and it was the best thing I did, just to alk it all over with a professional who was able to untangle my feelings and help me come to terms with it.
I had dd, and then another m/c before ds. I was able to deal with that one much better, as I had developed a way to deal with it in counselling.

I know it is quite soon for you, but the best thing my counsellor suggested was to do something to remember these babies. My Dad has an orchard in his garden where he is planting a tree for each grandchild - with a little plaque on each with their name and date of birth. We asked him, and he was delighted to do it, if we could plant some snowdrops in the orchard as a memory of our babies. I didnt want trees, they were too little, but all my losses have happened in early spring when there were snowdrops everywhere, so it is the most beautiful memorial we could have for our babies who didnt make it. Maybe something to think about for the future for you?

[Ghosty]

Susanmt ... snowdrops ... that's a lovely thing to do ... We haven't done anything yet as we are heading into winter here but we plan to plant something to remember our baby ...

[quackers]

The idea of a plant or flowers is wonderful. We have a plant in the garden and call it the baby's nickname. It will flower every yaer at the same time. I also have a shiny pebble that my daughter gave me in hospital the day it happened. I keep it over the fire so I can see it every day. Sounds daft but it's about the size the baby would have been. Hewletts daughter - I was about 15 weeks but the baby had died at about 10.
I completely understand about trying again ASAP! I'm hoping to try in about 2 weeks! That will be about 3 months after. I have had one regular period and just waiting for the second before I let my hubby 'off the lead'!!! I'll be using Persona to know exactly when the ovulation is for maximum efficiency!!!!

[hewlettsdaughter]

Flowers (and pebble!) sound great - though remembering what could have been is not something I feel the need to do at the moment - maybe I'll change my mind. My doctor was careful to tell me that all responses are equally valid. She also said there's no biological reason why you can't start trying again immediately after a miscarriage - though it might make date calculations difficult. What it comes down to whether you feel ready or not, I think.

Do people generally recommend Persona? Maybe I should do a search to see what people have said about it...

[hewlettsdaughter]

Oh, there's a whole thread on Persona! This mumsnet is good, isn't it

[quackers]

Persona's great! As you'll see from the thread people reccommend using it to get pregnant and not to stop a pregnancy! It detects the hormone that says you are going to ovulate in the next 24-36 hours. I believe from the guide book that the ovulation sysmbol does not usually show up until it gets used to your body. I know people who want to try straight away use the ovulation dtector kits which do the same thing but will give an instant result without having to wait the 3 months. Anyway good luck, let us know how you get on and what you decide to do!!
xxxx