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Fighting the urge to self harm

(138 Posts)
Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 06:48:11

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

Khimaira Thu 28-Nov-13 03:31:04

Urgh and now I'm awake and can't get back to sleep. DS wet the bed nearly two hours ago, I had to change it, clean him and get him back to sleep. Now I can't sleep. Keep thinking of things I shouldn't, especially at night! Will pm you Pogo. I cheated with the rice. Cleaned up the sticky sauce bits with a cloth, then waited a couple of hours until it was a bit dry and used the dustpan and brush!

Pogosticks Wed 27-Nov-13 23:53:47

Khimaira where are you that you don't have a health visitor? I thought everyone had them. We had rice carnage at tea time today. It sucks! Well done on getting through today xx

Khimaira Wed 27-Nov-13 19:55:20

The thing is, I'm usually too exhausted to manage it. I did a bike program on Monday and then only managed 13 minutes of it on Tuesday. Today I haven't done anything except run around after the kids as usual. I don't have the energy or the willpower to do anything. I can only do exercise in the day if I put the tv on for the children, even then, leaving them out of sight for 30 minutes is pushing it! I would feel terribly bad doing that, they already get 30 minutes in the morning whilst I have breakfast, shower, get dressed, clear the breakfast things and get a load of washing on. And I think its probably too much, but I don't really have another choice. Else they fight, or DD is climbing the furniture, if I shut her in the bathroom she puts things in the toilet/empties the cupboard/climbs on the toilet seat to get to the sink taps etc. It's now ten to nine and I have just got the DC's off to sleep, I'm exhausted and would just keel over if I tried to do anything now. I find most of my energy goes on trying to get through the day not on doing any actual work.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 27-Nov-13 16:52:17

That sounds a little better.

exercise is excellent. You MUST do it. It is not self-indulgent.

BTW you were not sold into slavery and should not work until you drop! Do what is essential, then rest and play! Your play - not dc play I mean

Khimaira Wed 27-Nov-13 12:56:39

Well I was until this morning! Scrubbing the carpet and floors at 630 because despite repeated requests DS did not go to the toilet and instead went on the carpet. A delightful gym session where he did only one of the activities. And I had forgotten to take my painkillers so lifting him down from the wall bars was rather painful. DD has just done the largest poo I've seen in a while and didn't ask for the toilet but in her nappy and all the way up her back. The dining room is carnage (sweet and sour + rice! I should have guessed!) and I have just sent them both to bed. I am drinking a tea before I attempt the clean up operation! I have been shouting a lot today, very impatient and short with them sad not for any good reason. I think I didn't sleep well last night. I'm beginning to realise just how much it affects me not having a decent nights sleep. I had two really good nights yesterday and the day before and the days were so much easier,

I don't know really. I've managed to do some exercise this week, which is a novelty. I feel quite guilty spending time on myself though. I've had a couple of evenings house hunting and yesterday I watched tv and didn't bother to fold the washing. I'm regretting that now though! I'm not going out of my way to do things I probably shouldn't. Been using gloves whist cleaning etc.

Thanks for the suggestion pogo, there's nothing like that around here and I don't have a health visitor. I do get some free time without the kids during the week, but it's restricted.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 26-Nov-13 20:38:14

Glad to hear you feel a little more in charge :-)

Are you taking care of yourself? You remember the oxygen masks in aeroplanes - you need to it yours on in order to take care of your dc

Pogosticks Tue 26-Nov-13 18:27:41

Khimaira I am glad you are focusing on your lovely DCs. Sounds like you are coping well. I was wondering if you could talk to your health visitor - they might know of anything like sure start which could help with childcare so you could get to face to face counselling?

Khimaira Tue 26-Nov-13 13:45:39

Hi, thanks for asking. I'm doing ok. Actually, surprisingly ok. Just the odd kill yourself keeps tacking itself onto my list of things to do. But that is normal so I'm used to it. I did kind of manage to reschedule the appointment. I couldn't get childcare so I had a Skype appointment from home whilst I bribed the children to be quiet with tv and iPad. So, it was more of a general how have things been catch up/coping session rather than anything too stressful. Trying to concentrate on the DC's and not think too much!

Hi Khimaira.

Did you manage to rebook the appointment with your counsellor? How are you?

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 20-Nov-13 06:38:08

Oh that's a blow, but no shortcoming on your part, so keep going!!!!

Khimaira Tue 19-Nov-13 15:00:11

And after waiting like an idiot for 40 minutes I finally manage to contact someone who tells me my appointment has been cancelled, I should have received a message and that it has been rescheduled for tomorrow. Except I can't go tomorrow. Argh!

Khimaira Tue 19-Nov-13 11:09:02

I'm still here! Pogo Never. I am the one who gets up with the children every day (bar four, I think) and he doesn't do nights. There's no point him getting up with them now anyway because they don't want him if they do wake at night. Maybe DS would, I don't know, he comes straight to me and knows not to wake DH and DD just wants milk. grrrrr.

I no longer know what is reasonable I think. I spend a lot of time questioning what I think. Although this morning he left in a mood probably because I was playing tents with DD rather than get up and get breakfast ready. That was probably a mistake. I have told DH about me seeing a counsellor, almost. I have asked him to call the counsellor, but it seems he hasn't yet. I am trying to sort things out in my mind. I read something the other day that shocked me because it seemed so like me. I need to get my head round this and speak to the counsellor about it. I am seeing him this afternoon.

petsheep Tue 19-Nov-13 10:33:26

I just join this forum today, and I find very good , and helpful.

What ITCould and Pogosticks said.

And it's not often you get such a complete consensus on MN!

Pogosticks Fri 15-Nov-13 06:59:15

And how many times has your husband been up with DC all night and then made you breakfast?

I hope you get a counselling session soon, but please don't think it is you that needs to be fixed.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 14-Nov-13 19:18:02

Look, your h is basically a knob. No reasonable person expects someone who has been up on and off all night, to then get up and make them breakfast.

I have tried to remember things taught to me on my counselling course, about not giving advice but I am not your counsellor, I am your online buddy.

You may have history with self harm/ self neglect. people with low self esteem and maybe some experience of suffering abusive behaviour are more prone to self harming. A relationship where one partner is erratic in his demands and unreasonable in his expectations can make the other partner feel they are somehow inadequate.

A weird kind of norm in that relationship is established and the selfish bugger (in this case your h) seems to behave even worse.

Your relationship should be mutually supportive and give each other security and confidence. You don't get this. I'm not saying leave him (though I reckon you would thrive if you did) but don't accept all his bollocks as gospel.

Work at looking after you and the children, physically and mentally until it becomes an ingrained habit. You will get stronger. He will either rise to the challenge of meeting your expectations or he will not.

Seriously you are not the failure in your home.

Think about this, or not. But my motives are without an agenda. I have nothing to gain or lose. He does not sound like a good husband. You sound like a very caring and devoted person. Why should you not have a good husband?

Khimaira Thu 14-Nov-13 06:05:27

I want to thank you all for posting and say that if I haven't answered anything specially then it's because it takes time for me to process things,, not that I'm ignoring you.
DH I'd annoyed with me this morning he says I am just flaunting the fact that I don't care enough to do anything for him. Because I didn't get up to make him breakfast. Should I be?
(It was cold. I was tired -DD had been up three times during the night, waking at 530 for the day so I was awake, but snuggled in bed with her passing me anything she could find and blowing my nose. When I realised he was having breakfast here, I got up and said I would get DD some so they could eat together). I have the feeling that when I do or when I offer to make his coffee, he says he can do it himself. But I don't know how much I exaggerate.

My counsellor at least doesn't seem worried I haven't said anything yet, he said to tell home when it feels right (I suppose when we have our next disagreement...), I've asked that I can see him rather than speak on the phone, but not had an appointment yet. Today is going to be a long day, taking DS back to playgroup. I think if he refuses to join in this time I won't go back.i find it so hard to go to groups like that, his behaviour makes it worse but I know I can't stay at home all the time, it's not fair on them.

I'm glad too, and that's a good way to frame it. The counselling is a proactive way to deal with your issues and move forward.

Pogosticks Tue 12-Nov-13 22:24:50

Get some sleep if you can. It won't make any difference whether you tell him tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe even write out a script or a list of things, like ItCould says, its an action plan for your recovery, your future. I am glad you are back in contact with your counsellor.

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 12-Nov-13 22:16:39

You could frame the counselling as a way to help you plan your future if you need to sell it to your h.

Khimaira Tue 12-Nov-13 21:34:22

So, I have spent most of the evening sick scared of telling DH and in the end I didn't manage to. He is talking to me again and I couldn't bring myself to tell him. It seems like such a huge step to take and I'm not courageous enough. Maybe tomorrow...

Khimaira Tue 12-Nov-13 10:27:15

I suppose that's true Empress. If they hurt themselves when he is there then DS always automatically calls for me (although he has got better recently) and DD will go to DH for a hug but only until she sees or hears me.

I have just spoken on the phone to my counsellor. He says that I am emotionally exhausted and he thinks its imperative he speaks to DH. So this evening I have to a)admit that I've been to counselling in the past b) admit that I am again and c)give DH the name and number to call. Scared doesn't even cover it. I have to do it today because I'm having that 3 day rush of energy and clarity that comes after a period! I know if I don't get things done now then I won't and I think DH can't take any more. He asked me what my plan for the next few years is, what do I want to do (job wise). I don't know. I can't answer any of his questions because I can barely get from one day to the next most of the time. I don't even plan for next week. The only plan I can come up with is I want to get as far as seeing the fireworks at New Year with DS and that's it. Then it's over, I want out. But I don't even know if I can get that far, I don't know if I can take another week like last week again.

Pogosticks Tue 12-Nov-13 09:03:59

Empress and ItCould are spot on, you are doing a great job of raising two children, despite being unwell and married to someone critical, lazy, sexist and unsupportive.

You ARE employable! You are great at writing, planning, explaining, prioritising. All v important skills. And you are a bloody grafter!!

You mention 'admitting' that you are having counselling. Do you mean admitting to your husband? Whenever I have had counselling I've needed some support/understanding/space before/after each session. If you are not getting this it is even harder.

Sending much love x

I think ITCould is right.

Raising kids is HARD work and you're doing it with health problems, sleep deprivation, no access to your counsellor and an H who should be supporting and loving you but just seems to want to do you down. In my book that makes you bloody strong. From the posts you're articulate and intelligent and you've clearly got qualifications so you don't sound unemployable to me. You DO sound like you're exhausted and having a rotten time.

As for the kids loving H, they might like playing with him but I bet he's not the one they go to when they actually need something.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 11-Nov-13 19:45:52

The consistent message is your husband criticising you.i think that is the problem.

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