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Contemplating suicide

(993 Posts)
BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 02:44:02

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:50:24

we're here to listen to you and help as much as we can. if you can, ring The Samaritans as they are trained to help you. other people will be along to help more in the morning but you are not alone anymore sweetheart.
it would be a good idea to see your GP asap as well to access support. things can get better.

I don't know what to do either but I am listening. You sound like a lovely loving person. Who is in a lot of pain. So, if it helps to know that a stranger is here and wishing you strength then I am reading your words and thinking of you from 12, 000 miles away.

And there are other people reading now as I type this.
And you are not alone.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:53:32

if possible speak to your mum or a trusted teacher about how low you are feeling. it would break your mum's heart to lose you. you have your whole life ahead of you. it is not a weakness to ask for help - If overwhelmed please ring 999 or go to emergency room.

kiwigirl42 Sat 11-May-13 02:56:38

sorry, me again wink wink I have a teenage son. it would completely devestate my life if he died. please don't do it to yourself or your mum. try to distract yourself tonight and not listen to that nasty little voice in your head (hugs)

Your dad died in January.
I don't know you or how you are feeling. I know that to lose a parent is horrifically painful, devastating and the pain can be almost unendurable.
I can understand how you just want the pain to stop and the sadness and anger and torment to stop.

I cannot make it go away. I can tell you, truthfully, that you do not have to go through this alone, that your self and your life is precious and unique and special and that you are loved and you will be loved in the future. That this raw pain will not always be clawing at you and that the darkness will lift and you will start to feel something other than pain and despair.

You are not alone and there are people who you can speak to right now, who will comfort and listen. They will not judge. You can say anything to them. You do not even have to tell then your real name. You do not even have to talk much. You can just phone them and hold on while they are there. They are totally confidential and safe to talk to.

Please think about picking up the phone.
CALL
08457 90 90 90* (UK)
1850 60 90 90* (ROI)
If there's something troubling you, then get in touch.

24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
*call charges apply

EMAIL
jo@samaritans.org

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:11:14

@KiwiGirl - Thank you for the reponse(s). You mentioning that you have a teenage kid is what has been holding me back. Sure there is that self-preservation instinct inside me that fights the thought of death, but after reading that story about the mum who lost her boy to suicide (I was planning to kill myself tonight actually - I was just waiting on getting the rope) it really made me think about my mum. She might have abandoned me and she's not perfect, but I know she loves me and I love her and I know it would devastate her. Thank you for your response. I have found a bit of solace in your words and your concern.

claraschu Sat 11-May-13 03:15:52

You have been through hell, abandoned by your mother and then losing your father, who sounds like an amazing person. Of course you are suffering right now.

Life can be wonderful, and you sound like a wonderful person. It also sounds like your mother really loves and cares about you. Please please get help from someone. It can be someone you know, or someone on the end of a phone line, or a doctor at A and E.

Try calling Samaritans 08457 909090, Childline 0800 1111, or Papyrus 0800 0684141. Here is a link with information: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx
Please reach out for help. We are all rooting for you here.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:18:34

@Trucksand Dinosaurs: Thanks for the response. In all honesty I'm not a lovely person. People say I am but I know I'm not. But your concern does mean a lot. And the fact that you took the time to give me comfort and help. It does mean a lot and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I do miss my dad. I really miss him. I'm crying as I write this now. He was always there for me and I wish I had more time with him. But I know I contributed to his death. He overworked himself because of me. He had two jobs, 6 days a week just so he could support me. He died at work. And I know I contributed to it.

Thank you for the Samiritan link. I've never heard of them. So it's basically like phone-line therapy?

Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:26:17

I'm glad that you've posted on here, it's one step in the right direction to stopping bottling up these difficult feelings that you've been struggling with, so well done for that.
You've been though a lot, and its not uncommon for young people who have been through difficult things and losses, as you have, to feel low and bad about things.
I actually work to support young people who feel like you do, and I need you to know that you are not alone, there is support available - please speak to your GP, they will help. If speaking to your Mum is hard to start with how about having a word with a trusted teacher?
I know you are in a dark place at the moment, but things can change for the better if you hang on in there and talk to someone. I know from experience that even if someone who feels like you do talks to someone and gets some support things can gradually improve for them, honestly it can.
So please do talk to someone and let someone trusted know how you are feeling. If you feel that you are likely to harm yourself tell your Mum - text her or something if you have to - and go to A&E or ring an ambulance. I am giving you that advice as someone who works in this area. Do it right now if you need to - please.
You sound like a really lovely guy, the world needs good people like you in it and you have a lot to offer, even if it is hard to feel that right now.
Don't give up, keep going, get help, it will get better I promise. X

Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:29:44

BengalTiger, I have to sleep now, sorry but I'm so tired, but I will look on this thread tomorrow...please please come back on here tomorrow and chat to us some more.
For now, try to be kind to yourself, try to sleep if you can. We're all thinking of you. X

Samaritans are a free service on the end of the phone staffed by trained volunteers who choose to be a listening ear to anyone who wants to talk to them when they feel things are hard. You do not have to be suicidal to call them. They do regularly take calls from people who are thinking about killing themselves and they will not be shocked or upset at anything you tell them and it is always confidential and safe.

Your grief and love for your dad is obvious.
As is your love for your mum.
You can feel great love AND anger AND despair all at the same time; it is part of being human and the most loving and lovely often feel the most deeply and painfully.

They are also often the most loved, even if they do not know it or feel it in the depths of darkest times.

Hold onto the life your mum and dad gave you: it is precious and you are loved and there is more love to come in your future.

Even if now it feels nothing but pain, you are your mum and dad's precious child and you are loved. You are not alone and if you cannot talk to your mum right now, right this moment or this night, you can talk to someone else and stay with us.

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:44:59

@ Carasuchu - Hello. Thanks for the response and taking the time to give me the links. I just combed through the NHS one and found it insightful. I'm kind of thinking about ringing up one of those helplines. I'm apprehensive about it as I said earlier (I'm a closed off kind of person) but I the responses from people on this site have given me a little of bit encouragement.

Thanks again for your kind and comforting words.

Cerisier Sat 11-May-13 03:46:26

I don't know what to say Bengal. You have been through so much at such a young age. Heartbreaking.

As others are saying it will gradually get better, be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. Phone the Samaritans- they are good people and will listen to you.

Trucks speaks wise words.

We are all thinking of you xx

BengalTiger Sat 11-May-13 03:50:55

@Selks - thanks for responding. Yeah, I was lurking on this site for a while before deciding to post. I wouldn't say I really have a trusted teacher, but I have thought about talking to my GP about it before. But it's just taking that big step (posting on here was hard enough) to be open to someone about how I'm feeling face to face. I feel really ashamed of it. Do many people you work with suffer from self-loathing? It's just something I've never been able to grasp. My mind will go crazy with berating myself over the slightest, most insignificant thing.

And don't be sorry. It's very late here but I'm finding it difficult to sleep these days so I'm up. I hope you sleep well and after all the great, helpful responses I've gotten here, I will be here tomorrow. Sleep well.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 03:57:27

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memberfor Sat 11-May-13 03:59:58

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Selks Sat 11-May-13 03:59:58

BengalTiger, yes, self-loathing can come with the territory. When we are low or depressed its all too easy for the negative thoughts and feelings to get turned in on ourselves.
That's the tricky thing about low mood - it makes us believe negative things about ourselves that aren't actually true.
One thing to try and remember is that a negative thought is just a thought - it's not necessarily a truth or a reality.
I know that's easy for me to say, when thoughts and feelings can be so powerful. But it is a good thing to try to remember.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:00:53

Thank you for letting us know that you will be here tomorrow. I appreciate that.

Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:04:28

Memberfor, I hope you are very sure of yourself as you risk the welfare of someone if you are not.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:05:16

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Selks Sat 11-May-13 04:07:02

What are you on about? What does this being a feminist website (don't think it is, actually) got to do with it?
Stop troll hunting.

Glad that you will be back online soon BengalTiger.
Look after yourself. Keep going. Just keep on going and try to be kind to yourself.
Hope you get some sleep.
And Samaritans are 24/7 if you can't sleep.

memberfor Sat 11-May-13 04:09:06

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