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should i go back to gp?(953 Posts)
back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.
i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.
so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....
i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.
im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)
i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)
i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.
im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....
i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....
ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.
i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.
im not sure what to do.
Tooth fairy came (aka nanny plum apparently ...
I haven't been back yo bed yet but I am shattered so I am going to have an afternoon nap.
Haven't done much housework wise. But I stayed out of bed all morning. Done a bit of knitting and played on the Wii.
Gonna grab a quick bite to eat and then head to bed. I don't see it as a disaster. I am still weaning myself off bed....gradually.
Hope everyone else is doing ok...
not a disaster at all! you're continuing your good progress
helles dont worry about those pots - its just a blip.
ed i find i can stay up some days and just not others.
I only had 5 hours sleep but it must have been great quality sleep - i didnt stir until 6.15am. Stayed awake then and took DD to bus stop - had a skip delivered today so couldnt risk going back to bed -
have watched a bit of TV. I did hoover round but not much else.
i have been job searching again and i cannot for the life of me find my CV....im going to have to start it again (which is a PITA)
have found another job locally that i want to apply for - nothing to do with police or social things - back into reception/admin but the wage is good enough and 5 mins walk from where i live! no petrol bill would be fab....so am going for it when i get my CV done and on the computer....
just going to have a last ditch search through my police cupboard in case i "filed" it....(unlikely - i think i thought id be in this job for life so i probably got rid but it would be unlike me to keep one copy somewhere.....)
anyway - thats me today.
off now for the great CV hunt....
Sounds like you had another promising day tho vicar.
I slept longer than I wanted but obviously needed it. Most important thing is that I am now going to get out of bed. I have another hour before dcs come home today and then I am doing Tesco with friend...probably tea tea with friend etc. So I will have a busy evening hence allowing myself to sleep so I was safer to drive.
I wouldn't worry too much about the cv. Presumably it is going to take a loyalty of editing anyway from the one you used for police? I know it's good to have a start with employment history dates on tho. Maybe you have an electronic copy somewhere?
Bah! On antibiotics and inhalers for a chest infection. It had been dragging on for a while so I figured when it got worse I would go to the GP. Feeling better this morning so that is good. I have lunch planned with an old work colleague and it's a bit of a double-edged sword. I find it encouraging that people want to stay in contact but it's also a reminder of what happened. I need to separate the two somehow and place the negative memories and emotions with their rightful owner.
Vicar finding a good job is hard work; focus on your achievements and the dedication you can put into something. This counts for future endeavours. Take your compliments and appreciate them and the fact that people show interest in you is a very good sign. There might not be an immediate suitable opening but it is a positive response.
Ed your posts yesterday made me smile. They were bouncy. Today sounds good too, just in a different way. Different can be good.
NN hope your travels go well and that HM got left at home. Your grandchildren will be very happy to see you. Have fun with them and give them lots of hugs. They love you - can you focus on them and tell HM to leave you alone so that you can enjoy your time? I guess it's the mindfulness that HB wrote about up-thread. I do sometimes manage this to control my emotions although it isn't always easy. Take small steps and rejoice in them.
HB you are incredibly dedicated to others and your work is helping many.
SilveryT we had a similar run in with Santa forgetting to take his candy cane from the tree. I told her he was going to pick them up that night on the way back home (bonus: she went to bed early for the second night running!).
Bassett I loved your description of your walk. It made me feel happy (and I know that I should get out more often). I did find that when I was going through very tough periods I would get shaking hands as a physical symptom (without medication). I also had hair loss, inability to maintain weight no matter what I ate (sounds good until you look haggard), chest pain and I was terminally cold summer and winter.
Kizzie sending a little wave your way
Vicar if you know the name of the file you could search for it that way or look it up in recent documents
not that I have had to do that on a regular basis
good point - I think you can search for a phrase in the text - like the name of your high school. it all sounds very positive vicar maybe a complete change with less emotional toll is what you need to recover.
nana hope weekend stays hm-free and fun-full. enjoy your time with the little ones
ed you're doing fab right now. the fact you stayed up and then, after your nap, for up earlier than you had to is fantastic progress.
lots of positivity on the hread just now (apart from my housework woes!) which is a brill sign for all of us.
kizzie, silvery, basset and mama - hello!
most of pots done - took half an hour and my sink is Jo longer shiny . but I'm not putting off going to bed because I don't want to get up!
i found a hard copy of my old CV so will just need to update - i dont have it on this laptop as its new but will sort that tomorrow then start applying in earnest.
Sgt is coming out to see me on Sunday.
I think ive made my mind up that i really would rather just not go back. In a way i knew this would happen if i went off sick. never mind. Its just going to be hard to find something else, but im going to try.
in reality im not feeling much better since last weekend when DS dropped his bombshell and he has already phoned me 5 times today with problems he needed sorting....its just too much and he has to come first.
im really quite sad tonight about how things have worked out. i feel like i had tons of potential, - i have an academic streak which is never going to be fulfilled - i have an NVQ level 3 thats useless in anything but policing. I was so proud of myself (and slightly bewildered!) when i got into police - all those hoops to jump and i sailed through them all first time. I suppose on paper i was the ideal candidate....older woman, disabled son, i dug out all my assessment centre stuff out the other day and i aced it. mostly As and Bs....
i cant afford to go back and retrain and open university is extortionate. So at 41 i feel slightly washed up. I so wish my early days had been easier - had i stayed put with my nan and grandad the plan was always for me to follow everyone else to uni.
my mother and step thing put paid to that and now i feel a bit.....dunno. crap basically. Feeling low and tearful.
so on that note i will stop dragging everyone else down and hope that you have all had a good day.
its unlikely i will get to stables tomorrow so will concentrate on doing my new CV.
Gosh. I thought I'd killed the thread. Thank heavens HB
Shiny sink next?
Lunch went well and I am glad I went. It was lovely to chat about her work, past reminiscences, family, and all sorts. She offered to write me a reference if I need one. Little (smile) I now have a headache though. But I managed to revisit old places with work associated memories and remain relatively calm and not get over anxious. A little positive step
i think it will take more than that to kill this one - i can ramble on for england!
glad you had a good day mama
i have a busy ish week ahead - not that i am looking forward to it but DH has a very rare work do next weekend that im obliged to attend. (fun fun fun - not - i HATE his bosses and his lechy male boss always touches me up....)
then my mate is dragging me to see - Les Miserables so at least i can be miserable in company
and i am having lunch with a mate from an old place of work on Thurs....plus the work starts on the garden and garage this week.
Evening all, good morning all, whatever all....
Don't think it's possible to kill this thread
Went to Tesco with friend at 6pm and only just got in . Tbf we did come home via McDonald s and I've been sat at her house for several hours. She is my good friend which has the best 'understanding' of how ill I am. Think she was trying to keep be from being alone as this is first weekend without dcs in about 3 weeks.
Problem is ...now I have bags of shopping all over my kitchen floor and I'm in bed.. I have put fridge stuff away tho.
Tomorrow is a planned pj and bed day although I will need to get up put some washing in earlyish.
vicar don't think of that time as wasted. You will undoubtedly developed skills and had experiences which will help you in the future. I know I have worth my teaching and I am looking on the positives of the experience not the negatives...
Waves briefly to everyone else before I fall asleep holding my phone....zzzzzzzzzz......
i am ever present....
glad you had a nice evening with your friend. im feeling a bit off it tonight - a bit deflated. i should get to bed.
we have lotsa snow here tonight so i doubt the stables are going to want me tomorrow....
i should sleep. didnt go back to bed today (sort of pleased but also sort of tired!)
lets see what tomorrow brings. i have a day of cv writing and garage emptying. hope everyone has a good day.
mama it sounds like you're starting to put b-boss behind you . glad you had fun with your pal. as I am for you ed think you needed a nice time.
vicar I'm going completely out of turn here. what would ds do if you dropped dead tomorrow? he needs to stop leaning on you to solve everything for him. find him a support service, fund out what they can help him with and - whenever he contacts you with one of those things - hear him out and direct him to the support service. he's an adult and will probably outlive you so he needs to become more independent and - bizarre as this sounds - you have to help him do that. if he gets dla there will be charities or council services designed to support him.
Definitely a positive step mama. I had a dream about the last school I was on placement in and it was horrible. I just freaked and froze and felt so out of place and in my dream i wasnt even teaching. Just visiting the staff. And that was just dream.
Why are you deflated vicar you stayed out of bed and that is a HUGE acheivement. Believe me I know . I'm going to give you a pat on the back even if you won't do it yourself. Are you deflated because you feel you are giving up on the police? Try not to be too focussed what you are giving up. From what you have said it was still a HUGE personal acheivement. You must have picked up . Or developed skills that are useful to you as a person or employee.
Waves to everyone else. Hope nana is having a good time and the hm forgot his passport.
My day...well I've cancelled my pj and bed day . I'm gonna put my washing on and put shopping away. Then I might have some Wii time before going to another good friends for tea and cake. I'm hoping to come away with a life plan. She has had a nervous breakdown in the past. Her husband is currently recovering from a nervous breakdown triggered by teaching and took the brave decision not to go back. She was on my course so knows the tutor and is cyrrently teaching so knows the stress. Because of all that I can be pretty open with her.
Firstly congratulations to Mama for remembering everyone's name on this thread and posting us all a separate comment. I'm afraid my ageing brain cells are not up to that, but also we all change from day to day it makes it more difficult. I won't click back on to previous when I've started this post cus I think I might lose it.
Vicar you certainly sound like you have an action packed weekend coming up - is that the same weekend as your son is coming home? The striking thing about it is that you don't seem anxious about having to do such a lot of things, which is really good and I think you are getting better....
Re your son. I agree in principle with what HB says but I think HB you are a little over optimistic about "services" that will be there to pick him up. This may have been the case 10 years ago, but certainly for the last 2.5 since this govt got elected, anything that is not absolutely essential is being cut from all public services, and so I don't think that an adult with AS and Dyspraxia is going to be seen as an urgent case by the Adult Services Team in SSs. Also a lot of the charities and vol orgs are being closed down because they no longr get funding from LAs. So places like Connections that were set up to help young people find jobs and housing etc are all closed because of lack of funding. My friend is an art therapist in a big charity in Bristol (for mentaly ill people) and that is closing because no more LA funding. Even CAB are threatened wth closure. So I'm not so sure that there would be help out there.
Also (and not getting at you HB ) so hope it doesn't come across like that, is it's easy to tell someone else what they should be doing, but we all have our own individial relationships with our kids, be they 4 or 40. and the dynamic of the relationship is usually set in stone once they are adult. I was with a friend yesterday and her son who was made redundant lost his JSA after 6 months, as the JobCentre said he was only allowed to have it for 6 months but that isn't the case, but the young man in question will not go to the JC to re-apply. My friend is an OAP and they are not well off. When she told me I just looked at her and she knew exactly what I meant, but for whatever reason she isn't going to press him.
Re DLA - I don't know if V's son gets this but if he does it will not be long before the French Co that has been commissioned by the govt to "review" all cases of DLA (that means stop payment for as many people as possible) stop that payment. It really is cut-throat Britain.
Oh dear this is my day for picking up on what people have said and I did wonder Ed why you asked V why she was deflated and suggested reasons, but on here surely we all know that we are often deflated because of the mental illness that we suffer from, and asking why is something that other people do who don't understand mental illness. Sorry if this is coming over as too critical.
Anyway I am off to Ireland today and can't remember who said they hoped the HM left his passport at home which made me smile! HM is asleep at present but just hope to god he can stay that way while I am in Ireland. It looks like I am criticising and running off, but I am not leaving till about 3 so will pop back on. Really hope I haven't caused offence to anyone - that is really really not my intention.
Hope everyone is as well as they can be.
Sorry. I see what you mean. Sometimes info know why I am low or deflated or anxious tho.. like at the more I have that uni phone call to the tutor to make. I also know that if I can identify a cause and turn that around to be a positive it doesn't leave me quite as flat....this is obviously what ibwas trying to explore with vicar. And despite me asking I would argue that on this thread there is more expectation and acceptance of an answer along the lines of "there is no reason...it's just because". I don't think we should assume that will be answer. Having said that I see what you are saying and on the other hand if it was me with that post I would probably say "I'm feeling flat, I think it is because of xyz" if knew.
Anyway...I'm not going to hold it against you cos you liked my passport comment and I'm just off out for tea and cake
you're ok with me too nina I know I'm a bossy cow at times!
my uncle gets dla and is a client of an advocacy service and has a sw as does my cousin though he is too disabled for advocacy so his parents have poa which his elder sister will take over when thy die. which was what I was really meaning - that some sort of succession plan needs to be in place and worked towards.
everyone sounds good today and heading out to rl wherever possible
Thanks for not taking offence Ed and I see your point also. It's just that I never know the reason I am feeling flat and empty etc, and I suppose I just assume that's the same for everyone and it isn't. I wish I did know because that would make the irrational more rational. The nurses in hospital used to ask me about triggers and I used to get cross and say "why do you keep asking me that, because there aren't any triggers" and they said the same as you, that some people do know, so it's worth asking. My friends used to ask about triggers too and now no-one mentiones the T word. Maybe they are internal triggers but I can't identify anything. It makes depression more scarey I think and leaves me feeling totally out of control with the HM - he controls me.
HB thanks to you too - sounds like your relatives get a reasonably good service, which is good.
quite a few posts since i was on last night!
nana - firstly just want to wish you a lovely time with your family in ireland - very much hoping HM behaves while youre away.
helles - thanks for your post - i know it was well intentioned, but nana is right im afraid about services out there for adults with "hidden" disability, and because he is far away from us he gets very anxious and he knows that mum 'always sorts stuff'....he is supposed to be getting support via the disability team at uni but its very hit and miss - he has never once seen his named adviser - and he doesnt always recognise when he needs help or who to go to so i suppose im just the first port of call. I can then tell him where he needs to go and who to speak to, or as the case was yesterday, help him remember the things he needs to do and help him reply to a snotty email from his boss.
mama i think thats a huge achievement - well done you, maybe its a sign that you are stronger than you thought and ready to move on.
ed - actually i think my feelings of sadness at this time probably are related to the police career that ive more or less decided to give up on - ive not actually jacked the job in yet but im very fearful of going back and i cant bear to think about having to go back - but i am sad that it feels like such a huge waste of achievement - i have a professional qualification that is in reality useless in any other walk of life. I know everyone keeps saying not but im finding it of very little use while im job hunting again...i guess i feel a failure, but the thought of going back makes me feel physically sick now. I have Sgt coming out tomorrow too so anxious around that. Just feeling generally down and tired again, probably a culmination of things ongoing and last weeks events around DS.
Anyway - the good news for me is that i did get to the stables today - only for a few hours but now im glowy and tired in a good outdoorsy fresh air way.
im back tomorrow (as long as i remember to be home in time for sgt visit)
i dont really know what to say to him - i dont know whether to tell him ive had enough or not.... maybe more prudent to keep that to myself but i just dont know. i hate feeling confused and i cant seem to make decisions or follow things very well lately - honestly my diary is a mess - i keep double booking all sorts of appointments and forgetting stuff. i still feel brain addled.
am going to eat something in a mo (not eaten today but not been hungry) and then make a start on putting my CV onto the laptop.
bye for now....
Afternoon Vicar,Ed,*Helles ,Silvery*,*Nana*,*Kizzie and Mama
You wrote a lovely post Mama ........thank you for your words and I hope that your chest infection is easing up . Horrible to have and very debilitating .
Be very gentle with yourself .
Ed so glad to read that you have good friends [and it works both ways so you must be a very treasured person to them also]. The ups and downs of this exhaustion and longing for bed is awful . I can see that you are making headway though through your posts . I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to feel so ill when you have young children . I truly salute you. Mine were teenagers when my first breakdown happened which brought its own angst but at least they were at the self absorbed stage and able to get up /feed themselves and not notice the heap under the bedclothes again .
Helles Hope you are ok and managing all the tasks you set yourself . I reread your posts and you do so much for others in the church and youth work . Without depression folk would be knackered with all you put into your day . See you supporting others here also . Please be kind to yourself also and allow some slack when the bed beckons for a day of respite from the world . You need it and deserve it .
VIcar I so hope you got to visit the stables today and refresh your soul and balance by snuggling a horses neck and smuggling polos in your pocket . I have been in a state all week about the poor bedraggled beasts on the common land where I walk . Today they were gone so am thinking someone has maybe reported it. I should have I know .
got to go now to make Mr Bassets tea and will be back later . It is mince and tatties with cabbage and carrots . That in itself tells me I am recovering slowly .
basset what a lovely post - very thoughtful.
thank you for saying I work hard for others but I do very little - less than I should tbh. I'm starting to realise that it may be more than I'm capable of though. i'm too lazy ans selfish.
hi basset your tea sounds lovely. Glad you are starting to see an improvement.
its hard to monitor sometimes isnt it.....
im still up and down i think - it would be nice if i just felt a steady improvment each day...doesnt work like that though does it.
Vicar it is so hard to monitor how we are doing ....ten steps forward and eight back is normal I think . Truly I read you are recovering slowly and steadily . And that is with the acute stress you have had with your much loved son . Stress that would have all mothers on their knees . You always keep going no matter what ,how bad you feel . vicar you do not realise how strong you are and how selfless you are . No wonder you feel as you do at the moment . But I can see you are more lively and focused in your posts . See your Gp and ask advice but I think it may be ok to stay with the Setraline . It can take a long time for meds to settle . Go with their advice .
Been pondering about triggers and such . Are our work choices a reason ?
I mentioned before that it seems a lot of us have people centred work . work that needs empathy and communication skills /odd shift patterns etc .
I left my workplace 4 years ago . I could not do it anymore . Just couldnt after 30 years . This is so not saying that any other work does not have same stress. Just musing on people on this particular thread .
WE just have to listen to our inner voice sometimes and act .
Hope Nana is safe in Ireland and her head monster buggers off and allows her some peace and fun with her family and grandchildren . I have an image in my head of you Nana and you are scary . Ah not really . Thinking of you this week . Lovely place Ireland .
Must just add cos this is mumsnet. I make my husbands tea cos he is not well
thank you for saying I work hard for others but I do very little - less than I should tbh. I'm starting to realise that it may be more than I'm capable of though. i'm too lazy ans selfish. quote .
Hey Helles that is so not true . So not true . What happened to you that makes you feel so bad about yourself ? It is so wrong . but understand if you dont want to of course .
basset thank you - you have a lovely gift of making people feel better, just a few words on a screen and it makes such a difference.
i think im just too soft for this line of work - too caring?? does that sound egocentric? but i find that i often find things out that other bobbies dont - i think most bobbies dont listen. They have an agenda and stick to it.
i think im too soft for uniform. soft would be ok, but i think the job is hurting me, and hurting my health now, while the nasty aspects of the job dont actually bother me (deaths, accidents, violence) the culture is rubbish, morale low, and im too much of a social worker....i suspect im an embarrassment to my group on the whole. Most of my colleagues are very callous. maybe thats how you need to end up to stay in - but i am me and i cant change. i often disagree with colleagues even though i dont feel i can speak out. (coward)
anyway. i wish just push on with other job applications and hunting and see what goes. whatever will be will be.