Thinking about the abuse and transition, three good things happened to me.
- Health care professionals were very clear to my mum that they welcomed the fact I was there and they felt I was being very supportive. Just as well. She used to sit in hospital waiting rooms telling everyone how awful I was.
- She thought a lot of her priest, who was great and who helped persuade her to sign the POA.
- The manager of her sheltered housing had an impressive quiet authority and was able to tell my mother to behave.
I found it a huge learning experience. My mother was never easy and my approach as a child had been to go with the flow and not confront. As Oldie says, at some point you sort of become immune. Part of the problem was that having always had the upper hand by mother was really reluctant to give way to me. Plus this awful dementia thing that any reasonable discussion leading to a workable solution is immediately forgotten. Ditto with the rows. My mother would rip me to shreds one day, saying awful things, and next day would be all smiles.
Having a POA was really important. It meant I was able to say that though I was listening to her I had a (legal) duty then to decide in her best interests. So though I cut back the carer time as she became more mobile, someone was still coming in each day to prompt medication etc.
(On carers it is a matter of luck. There have been two who have been fab and who have established a rapport. The others have tended to be low paid and jobs worth, unwilling to take a wider responsibility if not actually on the task list. Eg her sheets weren't changed for 4 months because no one spotted it, and I now have to do a trawl of her flat when I go down to ensure there is toothpaste and other basics.)
I think my advice would be to consider what is achievable. If you don't have POA so cant impose, you really can't take responsibility and will simply be banging your head against the wall. If things are bad you might need to suggest to SS that they appoint a guardian, even if it takes things out of your hands, so decisions can be made. Or perhaps get your Grandfather to sign a POA and have your Grandmother ruled as not having capacity.
After the crisis was over I found myself withdrawing for about six months, only seeing my mother when absolutely necessary. I felt guilty but think it is common. It is better now. She has the support she needs, Plus we have bought a small holiday flat near her, so I can visit her without having to rush her out to the GP or whatever other chores. (Based on this experience our game plan with in-laws, if and when the crisis hits, will be to try to rent an out of season holiday chalet, so we have a base and there is scope to stay overnight before a busy and difficult day starts.) Tricks now include limiting outings to coffee in busy places where she can watch the world go by, which she likes. Bringing along DH or DC when I can as they are more relaxed with her than I am. Bringing a small gift each time. Packet of biscuits etc, so the visit starts on a positive note.
SPT, congrats on your future auntiehood...and MN now allows you to post photos....
And nice to meet you Oldieandgoldie.