Angels and Rainbows-remembering our angels and hoping for rainbows

(999 Posts)
Star0909 Tue 29-Oct-13 09:27:39

New thread ladies. Come in here for support.

Star0909 Tue 29-Oct-13 09:37:50

I will start off by introducing myself for any new people. My little boy was stillborn at 27+2 in September last year. He was my first baby and the pg was otherwise healthy and uneventful. The PM showed that there was a developmental problem with the umbilical cord and one day he just stopped moving. In the first few months I honestly didn't know how I was supposed to go on living without him, but I am still here and I have become a little more accustomed to life without him. I miss him terribly every day and of course I always will.

I might also start off the new thread with a bit of news that I have been keeping quiet for a while... I am pregnant again. I am terrified that it will all go wrong and quite honestly I can't imagine being able to bring this little one home, but I am so grateful for this pregnancy and I know how lucky I am to be pregnant again. Trying to take things one day at a time.

TheBuggerlugsThatActuallyPosts Tue 29-Oct-13 10:12:45

Hi Star thats amazing news and having read your story I can totally understand your fear. Do you want to give us a little more info?

Hi to everyone else and thanks for your advice re my friend. I am going to send her a card next week when the initial shock has settled slightly.

I wish you all the best of luck and I'll lurk. on this thread (if that's ok) to root for you all.

I start IVF treatment in Nov/Dec/Jan so am on the eggbuddies thread and in my mn home, BESH.

LittleTulip Tue 29-Oct-13 10:30:35

Well I will brave it and finally join in. Have been following the last thread with interest.

I lost my baby boy 'A' at 25 weeks in August. Like you star I just stopped feeling him move, went to the hospital to find that his heart had just stopped beating. I gave birth to him naturally two days later. When he was born he looked perfect they couldn't see anything physically wrong. We didn't opt for a PM however have my consultants appointment next week to discuss swab/blood/placenta/cord results. I'm shitting it.

I guess you could say we will be TTC pretty soon after the appointment if it is deemed ok by the consultant. 'A' was a desperately wanted first baby, he was my first pregnancy which took about 18 months to conceive. I am so nervous and petrified that we will never have children again and that actually conceiving 'A' was a one off. We did have day 21 bloods/sperm tests which came back normal and then we just fell pregnant so I guess I'm clinging on to this. My actual pregnancy was pretty perfect, in fact had heard 'A's' heartbeat nice and strongly at my 25 week appointment.

And so it begins again. The torture of TTC. I have 8 friends/family that are pregnant. I didn't know anybody expecting last year. I think I'm dealing with it quite well.

Many congratulations to the ladies that are expecting their rainbows. It inspires me to carry on in the hope of some happiness.

Star0909 Tue 29-Oct-13 10:36:04

Thank you Buggerlugs that's really kind. I've had a string of UTIs so far which makes me anxious and on top of that one of the blood tests they did when my son was born showed that I have slightly elevated antibodies so have to inject myself every day to thin the blood (although they have categorically said that is not why he died, the injections are "just in case"). I also have an anterior placenta so can hardly feel any movement-all of this conspires to make me even more of a nervous wreck than I would have been anyway! I'm actually quite far along-have anomoly scan next week so am very much hoping that everything is ok. Thank you for cheering us on. I must confess to occasionally lurking on egg buddies and BESH <weirdo alert> so will be very much hoping for good news for you at the end of the year/beginning of next, if not before. I hope yesterday wasn't too sad for you.

Star0909 Tue 29-Oct-13 10:45:23

Hi Tulip. X post. Welcome and I am very sorry to hear about A. I don't know about you, but I find it so hard to understand how one day everything can be fine and the next your baby has died, I still can't really get my head around it. Also, I felt physically very well, it doesn't seem right, surely if something was so wrong my baby died then I should feel awful too? It just doesn't make sense. I hope your consultant appointment goes well, I totally understand the nerves. I hope your OH can go with you too? I found it helpful to have a list of questions I wanted to ask (they didn't know the answers to all of them) as I find I often get bamboozled by doctors.
I don't know if this is your sort of thing, but my cycles were a bit wonky for a while after labour (still v regular, but ovulating at the "wrong" time), and I found that acupuncture really helped. Not sure if it was the acupuncture, or just the passing of time, but it was also quite relaxing and my acupuncturist let me cry on her too, so it was like a mini therapy session. If you are worried about the time it might take to conceive again maybe acupuncture would be worth a go? Mine is registered with the BAC and specialises in fertility/women's issues. But also, if you ready the last thread you will see that Owl took a while to conceive her daughter, but not so long for her rainbow.
It must be so hard having so many people you are close to being pg, well done for coping so well to start with. Is A's due date coming up, or have you made it through that milestone already?

OwlinaTree Tue 29-Oct-13 18:38:29

Hi guys, thanks for the new thread star. And congratulations! I'm so happy to hear your news and hope everything is going well. Love the new thread title.

Welcome tulip. I'm sorry you find yourself here. If you've been reading the other thread you may already know that I lost my daughter at three days old due to complications during the birth. Her brain was starved of oxygen and too badly damaged for her to survive. She was born in Sept 12. I am now 21 weeks pg with my rainbow.

Like you, it took me a while to conceive, 19 months. We had also had tests and clomid treatment. We then just got pg naturally. I also felt the fear that my daughter was a lucky fluke and I would never get pg again. I did get pg again, 9 months after losing my daughter. We are delighted and terrified. Although I was desperate to be pg again, actually having a little time to heal and be a bit stronger mentally had helped both me and my DH to deal better with it than if it had happened straight away.Please do carry on, and keep posting if it helps. It has helped me so much to be able to talk to these ladies.

You are dealing with a lot of other people's pg too, that is never easy. We've all been there, so do share if people are particularly inappropriate, the rest of is do!

Jules829 Tue 29-Oct-13 21:36:42

Hello all.... It's been a long time since I posted; and many thanks to those who have asked after me.
I've lurked every week and so am in touch with the news and a warm but sad welcome to the new guys here. I'm so sorry for your losses and know that your angels will forever be by your side. This site is great for support.
The biggest reason for my absence is that I'm finally admitting that I am pg. I too am 21 weeks with my rainbow. I am petrified. Neurotic. A wreck. I don't trust anything .... Or anyone and I'm struggling to cope. I will cope; of that I'm sure since as you all know, we've coped with the most painful and unimaginable experience ever. It's just really hard.
It's also 4 weeks shy of Benjamin's first anniversary and so I'm a wreck because of that.
Any words of support for coping strategies would be gratefully received. I don't want to acknowledge this news really - so no fuss required - but you guys have been so great as a support network for me that I just felt I should say something. Congrats to everyone else on their news.
I'm sorry not to engage others in a more 'direct' conversation.... Trust me, I am up to speed; it's just taken a great deal of courage to finally pen this message and put it out there.
I'm thinking of you all - those in need of love and support; those going through more difficult times; those who are new here and everyone else I may have missed.
Big hugs x

OwlinaTree Tue 29-Oct-13 23:04:02

Jules so good to hear from you with positive news too. I can totally sympathise with how you are feeling. I've just started to tell people outside of those who see me and can tell by looking, but I have found this really hard to do. Generally people are delighted but as you say, we are finding it hard to put our feelings into words. Generally I go with the 'today we are pg. Today it is fine.' I can feel the baby move now so that helps too.

Are you getting extra care during this pg? I have been told I can have a section at 39 weeks. I don't know if that will be my final choice but it's good to know that the choice is there, since it was birth complications that led to my daughter's death.

You are being so strong. It's OK to feel this way. It's also ok to be positive about the future. Please keep posting if it helps you to chat here.

Spacefrog35 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:31:12

Hi. Hope you don't mind me joining you?

I lost my little boy only a month ago so it might seem a little early to be hanging around in here but I'm really trying to look to the future & you ladies are inspirational to me.

I'm so delighted for those of you who are expecting again. I'm sure your angels are delighted for you as well. They know what wonderful mummies they have so I know they will be looking after you & your rainbows

thanks

misschord Wed 30-Oct-13 14:36:30

Hi, just marking my place on this new thread. So pleased to hear of so many pregnancies. xxx

Rubyshoe Wed 30-Oct-13 16:08:15

Star, Jules, Owl thank you for the welcome to all us newbies and congratulations to you on your fantastic news. I can only imagine the mixture of anxiety, nerves and happiness that you are currently going through and after following your stories on the previous threads I have everything crossed for you and your beautiful rainbows. I think you are right Jules that all the ladies on this thread have been through so much already and have needed to be so strong to get this far.

Buggerlugs hoe you are doing ok. It sounds like your friend is lucky to have you and I hope she had the strength to get through today.

A sad hello to spacefrog and tulip I am so sorry for the loss of your little boys. Usually in RL people say they can't imagine what we are going through but on here the ladies can. We are all in the saddest club of all but hopefully having each other for support will help. We also have our consultant appointment next week Tulip so I will going through it with you.

Sorry if my first post was very down, it was a dark day xxx

Star0909 Wed 30-Oct-13 17:57:12

Hi Space a sad welcome to you. How are you coping? This thread is the right place for you, it's not just about rainbow babies (in fact it hasn't been for a while). We would love to hear more about your little boy if you feel able to share.

Ruby please don't apologise, we are here to support you and please do vent your feelings.

Jules I could have written your post......I resonate with all of those feelings. I'm really glad you did post though, I have been thinking of you. It was F's birthday a month ago and I found the days leading up to it very hard, if you can, then just allow yourself to go with it. The day he was born itself was actually ok as we had made plans (just a long walk and lighting a candle, nothing spectacular) but then the following days/weeks or too we both felt quite flat, almost like "well that's one year done, we've got all these others up ahead". Sorry, none of this is advice at all is it. I have 2 friends in RL who I met through Sands and they suggested a short trip away a few weeks after if you can, even just a weekend, just you and DH. It is something to focus on (even if you can't look forward to it) and it gives you and DH some alone time and space. My DH and I went to Cornwall for a few days. If you can keep posting then do, I know it takes a lot of courage, I didn't manage it for ages and the only people who know in RL are those who I can't avoid and for whom it is becoming obvious.

MissC lovely to hear from you, how are you doing?
MissA continuing to think of you lots.
Blue. How are you?

Hi to anyone I have missed.

OwlinaTree Wed 30-Oct-13 18:13:26

As always star you have good advice. I found the anniversary hard in the days leading up to the actual day. It was like 'this time last year I was still a normal pg woman'. I had to work on the actual day (I could have had the day off but it was first day of term) but actually that was good for me, it took my mind off it andmade it a normal day which was right for me. Maybe in future years i will feel stronger and will want to mark the day more. I hope so. In short Jules do what feels right for you and your DH. Don't do what you think you should. People were shocked I went to work but that was right for me. Also being pg helped me, add it felt like I could look forward as well as back.

Hi spacefrog a sad welcome to you. So sorry to hear you have lost your son. I have found the support on here really helpful during this time, and hope you will too. Please do keep posting. 1 month is no time at all, please do take good care of yourself in these early weeks.

Jules829 Thu 31-Oct-13 11:51:55

Thanks for the good wishes and advice all. We have made some plans for Bens birthday but these just involve me and dh so are changeable if needs be. Very low key I might add.
How is everyone else doing? I'd like to hear about your angels to the new guys here if you would like to tell us about them. This is such a good place for support and somewhere you can just talk about how you are feeling and your angels.
Big hugs xx

Spacefrog35 Thu 31-Oct-13 13:03:22

Thank you for the welcome everyone thanks

I think (although no-one medical has confirmed) that I had an incompetent cervix. I went into the maternity triage with a bit of bleeding (no pain although I 'felt' something was very wrong). When they checked I was 6cms dilated. My son was born 4 hrs later at 24+2. He was transferred to a NICU and my DH & I got to spend 10 days with our beautiful little boy before he passed. We are still waiting for the post mortem results to find out what the infection was that overwhelmed him. We have been told we won't receive these for another 4 weeks or so.

I'm hoping that once we've had the PM results that I will be able to spend sometime with my GP (or with a consultant) discussing what I need to do for the future. Have any of you had an opportunity to do this or are we 'left to our own devices' so to speak? I've not talked to my GP since this happened. I'm hoping to go and see her next week maybe.

Star0909 Thu 31-Oct-13 17:22:23

Space thank you for sharing and I'm glad (in a isn't it all just incredibly sad and awful kind of way, but hopefully you know what I mean) that you got to spend 10 days with your boy. I'm not a doctor and have no experience of such things, but agree that it does sound like a cervix issue. Did the hospital carry out any tests on you when you went in? I had a lot of blood taken and swabs, I think that can help to inform future care choices.

I got the PM results at the hospital with a consultant, so was able to use that time to discuss any future care plans. Hopefully when you get your results you can either talk to someone or request an appointment. They should let you know what the likely care plan would be when you are pg again. If you have a good GP maybe she will help with that.

Jules low key and just the two of you sounds perfect. Are you happy to share the date? If so then I will be thinking of you all and especially Ben (and if not I'll just think of you everyday for the next few weeks!)

OwlinaTree Thu 31-Oct-13 17:31:13

spacefrog so sorry to hear about your son. We managed to have a couple of days with our daughter onNICU and I do think it helped us to have that time with her. Our parents were able to come and meet her and it had helped us to feel she was part of the family.

Obv my situation is different to yours in that my daughter was born at term, but we also had a pm, the results of which went to the consultant who meet with us and discussed the findings, then talked to us about future care plans for another pg. We also had an inquest about 6 months after the death.

In terms of grief management we were left to our own devices really. We asked our gp for counseling, but nothing came of that. Tbh, I've mainly copied by using this thread and the SANDS site. There are SANDS support groups, I've not been but I know some on here have.

OwlinaTree Thu 31-Oct-13 17:32:54

Oh, we were very well supported by the bereavement midwifes at the hospital too. They called on the phone every couple of days for quite a long time.

Drowninginsorrow Fri 01-Nov-13 05:49:11

Just marking my place. Only lost my son at 21 weeks a month ago, and my marriage isn't in the best place right now but I know I will want a rainbow one day, if not for a while.

OwlinaTree Fri 01-Nov-13 07:03:11

Thinking of you drowning.

Rubyshoe Fri 01-Nov-13 09:40:44

Hi Drowning I just wanted to say please know you are not alone. A month is no time at all and I remember the feelings as do all the ladies on here. My little girl H was stillborn at 40+2 at the end of July. We are now 14 weeks on and whilst still very raw, the pain is starting to ease a little. I remember the very early days when I couldn't imagine how life would ever feel any better and whilst I still have those days now there are better days too.

I think for me I try to think that I am still here and I still have hope. Please keep talking to us if you feel you can although I know that lurking is comforting too. You and your beautiful angel are in my thoughts x

Star0909 Sat 02-Nov-13 07:26:05

Hi Drowning welcome to the thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. If you feel like you would like to share more then please do. Keep talking to us if it helps, one month is no time at all, things will get a little easier to cope with, even if it doesn't feel like it now or you don't even want to be able to cope.

LittleTulip Sat 02-Nov-13 18:28:02

Hey ladies thank you for the welcome! Hello to the other new angel mums too, sorry to find you here.

Apologies if I don't reply to you all individually by name I'm on my phone. DH has been my rock through this, he will be coming with me to the consultants meeting next week. I have started writing down questions already. The thing I am most worried about is what if the consultant says we can't have children again? Or that something was genetically wrong with A. It would be my worst nightmare.

I have considered acupuncture and reflexology star. In fact have rung somebody locally to enquire about the acupuncture. My periods have always been a bit off by a few days and have had the odd longer cycle but I think the acupuncture will help with relaxation as well?

It really is comforting to see you all pregnant. I sit here deep in thought and sometimes wish the next few/5/10 years of my life away. The whole journey of ttc, pregnancy and birth scare the life out of me. Somewhere in the future there must be a me where I have either the family I have always dreamed of or the acceptance of an alternative. It's the now and the near future that i don't want to deal with.

It's now coming to the point where friends and family are starting to act like this never happened, like my little boy never existed and I'm finding that quite hard to deal with. I guess this is another passage that I am just going to have to get through.

Drowning although not not too further along than you I can say that it does get that little bit better. Very slowly it does. The pain isn't as all consuming and crushing and I am now able to do daily tasks, be gentle on yourself.

Drowninginsorrow Sun 03-Nov-13 14:17:20

Littletulip Someone I have been in contact with through sands has emailed me a guide to getting the most from the post mortem results appointment and it has a comprehensive set of questions that can be used as it is or more personally adapted. If you would like me to forward it to you let me know.

My appointment to get the results is on the 12th Nov and I think I will be going alone. I hope I have the strength to ask all the questions I want answered but there are so many I am worried about being a nuisance.

I have previously had 3 early miscarriages and then lost my son at 21 + 3 weeks. I was under consultant care because of the 3 early losses but was only seen at my 12 week scan at which point I was discharged - no extra tests and no tests or investigations between angel 3 and angel 4. She just said you've got this far this time you'll be ok. I have been assured that this will not be the case should I try again but just feel sad that I have lost my 4 angels before they actually start to do something about it.

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