The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

(1001 Posts)
Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 12:18:24

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 12:19:54

Apologies if this is nowhere near as humorous as yesterday's shenanigans. I mean, how dare you go out and have lives and everything angry.

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 12:21:08

Oh and today, Matthew, it is Cuntry Cream.

rocketleaf Sat 16-Oct-10 12:31:08

Well done for stepping into the breach, aries its a dirty job but SOMEone had to do it.

Sorry I went off to digest massive breakfast and try and motivate myself out of the house into the sunshine. FAIL, still in PJs but I HAVE played lots of Scarabeous on my phone. blush

rocketleaf Sat 16-Oct-10 12:32:39

So which DIY isle are we going to designate as the pit? The plumbing section? (phnar) Lucas and a very confused looking Lord Byron are lurking there dressed in orange tabards.

EverybodyJumpQueen Sat 16-Oct-10 12:32:59

Oh, 'ello Rie. Good chart, good chart. Must be kept for posterity. I believe I am 016 at the mo.

I am hungover - again - and waiting for CH to cook me a full english. I do realise that I sound like I may have an alcohol problem, which is quite weird, really, as I did not drink at all up until 6 weeks ago. But it is getting out of hand: every blardy day this week. So I have a new resolution: only drink with food. When did this turn into AA, you ask? Let's talk FC.

Barbarella, can I snuggle in your bosom for a while? You iz cool. Right - I caught up on your FC history. Sorry you are worrying. I cannot keep up with the changes to funding. Reports seem contradictory. Your appointment is 29th Nov, right? I'll do my best to spread my FC luck your way.

Bangy, sorry about stringy stuff. I had the opposite: droid started full on scarlet yesterday and has been running like a river. Much more than usual, and no pre-warning brown gunk. Just thought I should keep up the over sharing. I guess everything points at me getting more familiar with ICSI. Perhaps it really is time to stop drinking and swim out of De Nile. Been in there without the wet suit and all.

rocketleaf Sat 16-Oct-10 12:41:59

hello mountie i'd say a bit of a binge is about what you need tbh. Plenty of time to give up drinking when the treatment starts.
OH btw, my friend was saying there was an article in the Grundian, saying that a group of rogue FC specialist are developing a for of IVF that is MUCH cheaper (as in few hundy a pop) and less harsh than currently used. It uses a far lower dose of the drug but has similar effects, Basically what they are saying is that current treatment is like trying to hammer a panel pin with a pneumatic hammer. Current establishment are poo pooing it (of course they still want to rake in the cash) so they havent been able to get a clinic in Europe to allow them to trial it. Hence they have had to trial in third world countries and have got worse result due to the women they work with having other health problems. It all sounded very interesting. I will see if i can track it down unless anyone else already read it?

AlpinePony Sat 16-Oct-10 13:45:55

cass disgusting yet hilarious - I knew there was a reason I liked you! grin

Aries What are your symptoms? Pain in side = check, up at ridiculouso'clock = check. Anything else? Baybee would be due at a bad time for example?

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 13:54:19

Oh yes, babe would be born at a dreadful time, the start of July according to the MN due date calculator (it would probably therefore be a boy also wink). May go over to the oyster festival this afternoon. Eating raw shellfish would guarantee a diff of course.

On the other hand, pain has gone. Was up at ridiculous o clock because of being out and drunk. Am now nauseous yet starving and the only thing I want to eat and drink is toast and marmite and Lucozade. Clearly the symptoms of a mild hangover I'm afraid.

Headbanger Sat 16-Oct-10 14:57:00

Cass and Aries you are both utter geniuses! Applying myself to the chart I see that I am currently hovering between sludge brown and barely black. I suspect this innovative approach to fertility issues might well become as popular as Fertility Friend in due course ! Am knackered. Had splendid night of booze and carousing with*mrsfc*, and then failed to get any sleep owing to some dick outside the window trying desperately to get into the block of flats for about an hour before dawn, including by throwing stones at the windows angry. Now trying to get some kip before a party tonight for which I must apparently look glam, but am a pallid hollow-eyed wreck. chinese burns all round.would rather stay in tonight with BESH fun and The Pillars Of The Earth <sulking nerd emoticon>.

LadyGoneGaga Sat 16-Oct-10 16:05:27

Cass that is brilliant. Also cackled at you resting your tits on someones knees whilst hoiking their balls out of the way so you can do things in their gusset? (Like what, not g-spot hunting surely?)

Well done Rie for being woman enough to start new fred off.

I'm on scarlet. The scarlet woman. Scarlet O'Gaga. Shitfuckwank. So there. I too am off partying tonight. And have new dress from Karen Millen that was half price. Bargain. Is engagement party of one time dalliance so need to look understated yet amaze. Here is picture although I got it for £75, half price!

Well on the chart I'm hanging out with No.20 and have been for quite some time. I am off out to eat a curry and drink copious amounts of gin, vodka and whatever else I can get my hands on.....at the moment though I'm sat in my joggers with greasy hair so I guess I should do something about that before I enter the public domain!

Nice dress BTW LGG Love bargains.

rocketleaf Sat 16-Oct-10 16:44:08

wow, nice dress scarletO'gaga sent you a pm with my email addy re season 3. sending it to you might not be as easy as i may have first thought. will explain by mail if you are still interested?

i am going to an impromptu hen do for my diffed friend who is getting married to her aussie boyf in gretna green shot gun stylee on monday. there will be three of us and 2 of us are diffed so i somehow don't think its going to be your regular boozathon, falling over and trying to persuade someone to donate their underpants to the hen, not that I have ever been on a hen do like that, of course. curry, pedicure and a film i think wooo hooo! at least i don't have to bother making myself presentable.

LadyGoneGaga Sat 16-Oct-10 16:56:27

I sent you email to your Gmail. Plz to explain but don't worry if all too logistically complicated.

Have a lovely time at "hen do". it sounds much more civilised than most ones I've been on.

What is going on with sycle Sunshine - how late are you? Presume you've POAS?

saltyair Sat 16-Oct-10 18:21:39

Ola chicas...how did we use up a whole thread that quickly? How?

Loving the colour chart, I am as ever, hanging out somewhere between 01 and 02.

LadyGG don't sweat it about the short LP - will take a while for your cycle to settle down....

We bought a stove this morning! Soooo excited about having an actual fire in the house so I don't have to spend the winter carrying a duvet around with me so I don'tt get frostbite....

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 18:26:13

I have a new lesbian crush and wish my BESHtionnaire to be amended. How hot is Felicity Kendall? I I looked nearly as good at 50 as she does at 63 I will be happy. Shallow I know <doesn't care emoticons>.

Muser Sat 16-Oct-10 18:28:28

Welcome new fred, you look lovely. Heads I used to get blackness as well. I thought I was the only one!

saltyair Sat 16-Oct-10 18:28:54

She is indeed hot Rie

<wonders if Ms Kendall would like a jam jar>

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 18:30:53

Being 63, she possibly would <wisely>.

Salty, "lots" isn't on the chart. You need to give us more information.

saltyair Sat 16-Oct-10 18:40:28

Lots ranges from lots of creamy white, through watery through to egg white. Lots.

At the moment is eggish.

Did I mention there was lots?

<prepares jar with Felicity's name on it in 'specially neat handwriting>

I cannot believe you said I needed to give you more information....most people would suggest that telling you I am awash with FFJ is already too much information grin

Muser Sat 16-Oct-10 18:41:32

If I looked as hot as Ms Kendall right now I'd be a happy bunny.

Ariesgirl Sat 16-Oct-10 18:45:08

Aah, but the chart asks for colour and consistency rather than quantity.

Casserole Sat 16-Oct-10 19:01:13

Loving that Aries has turned into a FFJ colour-checking bouncer on the door... grin

I was merely the collator of the chart, I cannot claim to be the author. Well, unless there's money in it, in which case it was all me, bitches.

Lots of rummaging in poor Mr Stew's gusset this afternoon. Have also used my slow cooker for the very first time to make Moroccan Lamb, which I am about to try. Annoyingly I REALLY fancy curry for the first time since diffed. Still, there's always tomorrow...

Ocarina Sat 16-Oct-10 19:13:49

Did Mr Stew enjoy the rummaging? Moroccan lamb sounds yummy, must try that one. I made chocolate shortbread biscuits in a rare domesticated moment - all the baking round here must've inspired me.

saltyair Sat 16-Oct-10 19:37:26

oh I think I should get some credit for the amount girly.....

<pricks up ears> Chocolate shortbread, you say?

I just picked up a tiffen full of delish Thali food.....

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