Life after stillborn - will this ever get better?

(129 Posts)

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Impatientwino Mon 21-Mar-16 19:39:30

I've been trying to post this for days but couldn't muster the strength.

DS2 was stillborn at 39 weeks last weekend. My placenta detached 24 hours before my ELCS. I did 5 days of induction but eventually he was born naturally and peacefully.

Please can someone tell me this horrific heartache will get better? It just feels so endless. Like nothing will ever be any good ever again.

The mornings are hardest when DS1 (3.5) is in nursery school, the house is so quiet and we have nothing to do but the awful practical things that need to be done.

Today has been one of the saddest days - we saw the vicar to discuss his funeral service, dropped his little outfit off to the funeral director for them to dress him in, had to go shopping for something for me to wear for his service and emptied his nursery into boxes that are now in the loft.

It's now just an stark, empty bedroom - we're going to turn it into a playroom for his big brother but it just is so horrid having a room I'm so scared of in a place we're supposed to feel safe, our own home.

Every day my stomach gets flatter and my lochia is lighter and it feels like I'm still slowly losing him.

When the sadness hits it's terrifying, the emotion is so strong I feel like I'm going to vomit and my chest is going to cave in with the pain. It feels like my brain is having to remind me ever ten minutes or so that he's gone and I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The midwifery team at our local hospital have been utterly amazing and are supporting us so well, as are our families and friends so we are lucky in that respect but despite it all I feel lost and alone and scared and angry, so very angry all at the same time.

Please, anyone, does this pain get better?

DangerMouth Mon 21-Mar-16 19:42:14

I'm so sorry to read this flowers

I have no answer but hope you get some helpful replies soon.

Handypandy Mon 21-Mar-16 19:44:09

So very sorry - still birth is a cruel tragedy.

I've heard that SANDS are very helpful.

ConfuciousSayWhat Mon 21-Mar-16 19:46:26

So sorry for your loss. I've not been in your position but have had losses earlier and the pain gets easier with time as trite as that sounds. He'll always be part of you and your family flowers

LeaLeander Mon 21-Mar-16 19:46:30

What a nightmare. Sorry you have to go through this. Poor little lamb. flowers

BeverlyGoldberg Mon 21-Mar-16 19:46:36

I'm so so sorry for your loss. My heart broke for you reading your post thanks

LillyBugg Mon 21-Mar-16 19:47:13

I can't not post but I don't think I can help eith as I have no experience in this. I'm so sorry OP, I'm sending some love your way tonight b

VoldysGoneMouldy Mon 21-Mar-16 19:47:31

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. flowers

I know it's in no way a fix, but have you heard of Project Bear? I had two miscarriages last year, and after the second one, my friend recommended it. It's an American project, you just pay postage, and they send you a bear, who has a little t-shirt on with the pregnancy and infant loss ribbon on. It hasn't fixed things for us but having something to hold onto at night, and in the quiet moments when things feel worst, has been a comfort.

Be kind to yourself. Much love. x

needastrongone Mon 21-Mar-16 19:47:39

I am so very, indescribably sorry for your loss. I don't have any words.

I miscarried, no where near anything that you have suffered. Only time makes the grief feel less acute. And only time for me.

Take each minute, hour, day as it comes. Get through no more than you are feel able to. Take the support, any support that you are given.

Allow yourself to grieve in your own way.

flowers

hopinghopefullyagain Mon 21-Mar-16 19:47:48

My daughter was stillborn in November because of a chromosomal abnormality. We knew this was the most likely outcome from 20 weeks and were a little bit prepared. It was horrific- for me the days and weeks after it was all over were far worse than actually giving birth and burying our daughter. Think I was on autopilot - or still feeling the effects of the morphine I had during her birth. Does it get easier? Yes. Does it ever become ok? No. I'm back at work in a school and pregnant again but keep looking at the nursery children and thinking of all the things that my baby will never do. But for me it did get easier. A tiny bit each day with time. Did you name your son?

Msrichardofyork Mon 21-Mar-16 19:48:18

I have been there and yes it does get better. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I'll pm you x

needastrongone Mon 21-Mar-16 19:48:41

And if you want to tell us about your beautiful son, that's ok too. xx

Mner Mon 21-Mar-16 19:49:09

Did you pick a name for him? Do you want to share it?

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Haudyerwheesht Mon 21-Mar-16 19:49:12

A friend of mine lost their Dd at 39 weeks just after I had ds. She found SANDS enormously helpful and also found talking about her Dd really cathartic.

She has come through the awful gut wrenching shock and grief you're in just now and has a new, different life but one that she is happy in. However it's all a 'new normal' . I don't think it's something you ever 'get over' but you come to cope with it I think? Impossible as that sounds right now.

I hope you don't mind me replying - I know I'm only talking from an outsiders point of view on what my friend has told me and I haven't been through it myself so can't understand really.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish I could take the pain away.

Pinkheart5915 Mon 21-Mar-16 19:51:15

We had a stillborth a few years ago, our little princess would of been 5 last month.

It must still be so raw for you having only happened last weekend, and it is natural to feel angry, sad and lost I know I did. I remember waking up in the middle of the night thinking I could hear her crying in the nursery then I would just lay in bed and cry on my husband when I remembered she was gone.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

I got myself a locket and put our babies picture in it, I liked knowing i had her close ( if that makes sense) I have worn it everyday since. Maybe you could get yourself a little keepsake? I also released a message ballon to our baby on the day she would of been born and do it every birthday now.

Have a look at sands the still birth charity, they do support groups if you feel it might help. They also do church services at Christmas etc.

I'm glad to hear you have amazing friends are family to support you this is important.

The pain does get better, it does ease but you always remember and on the birthday it always hits hard.

I am so sorry for your loss flowers

Impatientwino Mon 21-Mar-16 19:52:14

Yes we did name him - William.

I know what you mean about autopilot, I felt numb for the first few days - almost was like someone was going through it and I was just watching. I think the decision to birth him myself helped me with that as I felt I had a purpose, something to 'do' for the first few days. It's almost like leaving the safety of the hospital 'bubble' and coming home made me go through it all over again.

StiickEmUp Mon 21-Mar-16 19:54:02

thanks

Impatientwino Mon 21-Mar-16 19:55:07

He looked identical to DS1 when he was newborn, you could tell instantly they were brothers. Blue eyed, blond haired boys who were supposed to get up to so much mischief together.

I feel so robbed and I feel like he has been robbed of everything too. He never gets to be 1 or 5 or 18 or 40 or anything.

DontcarehowIwantitnow Mon 21-Mar-16 19:55:09

Yes I have been there and the pain you are feeling is natural.

I agree with other posters do contact SANDS.

It does get easier but take each day at a time.

flowers for you. Be kind to yourself.

daisydalrymple Mon 21-Mar-16 19:56:38

I am so sorry to read your post, I haven't been through stillbirth, but one of my best friends did some years ago, around 38 weeks.

She has never forgotten him, but the pain is no longer raw. She too had a ds1, so had to get on with everyday life for him. She also became pregnant soon after and had her dd near the anniversary. (And another ds the following year).

Her ds2 that she lost was still a part of their lives in that they spoke openly of him, grieved for him and wondered what would have been.

Sadly there are many ladies who have been through similar, who will offer more practical relevant advice than I can. Be kind to yourself, allow as much time to grieve as you need. Are you able to make imprints or similar of your baby boy's hands and feet? Do you have photos?
Perhaps in time you could plant a tree / rose bush or similar in his memory? Or ive seen people suggesting name a star. Depends on how you feel about these things.

Would you like to share his name with us? Was he born with hair? Please share any detail you want to always remember if it would help. I'm so very sorry for your loss xx

daisydalrymple Mon 21-Mar-16 19:57:24

Sorry x posted

Pinkheart5915 Mon 21-Mar-16 19:58:45

William what a lovely name

It's natural to feel robbed, this world is so cruel sometimes

KittyandTeal Mon 21-Mar-16 19:59:01

Yes, it does get better. I promise.

I've not suffered a late stillbirth but dd2 was stillborn at 22 weeks (T18 tfmr) and we have just lost ds at 14 weeks.

The pain is utterly encompassing and raw at first but it does get better. Someone told me in the few days after loosing dd2 that at some pint you find a new normal and that the pain doesn't go away but you find somewhere more comfortable to keep it. It sounded so unbelievable at the time but it is true.

It has taken months of counselling and tears and anger and every other emotion. I am now, to a certain extent, back to square one or the beginning again but this time I know it's survivable.

Sands are brilliant. I've not managed to get to a meeting but the groups are brilliant apparently.

The funeral and debrief appointment at the hospital are gut wrenching but also gave me a bit of peace and calm. I also found I felt better once we had dd2s ashes and a plaque up for her. Having somewhere to go is comforting.

I would suggest counselling if you think it would help. A baby dying is nothing like the death of someone you know, you have no proper memories to hang your grief on, no happy stories to balance out the sadness, you grieve your baby, the future you dreamed of, your incomplete family, the loss of your pregnancy innocence. There is so much wrapped up in it and it is so complex.

Would you like to tell us about your son? Did you have a chance to spend some time with him?

I am so sorry you are suffering this, it is the hardest thing 💐

hopinghopefullyagain Mon 21-Mar-16 20:00:04

William is a gorgeous name - so special, just like your son. I hope that the hospital were able to organise things as you wanted them to be after his birth. It really helped us to be able to spend a little time with our daughter but I know that this wouldn't be for everyone. I remember coming home from the funeral and feeling that there was nothing else I could do for my daughter. But actually I've gone on to organise her grave, to visit her often and to talk to her every day. This, pain will never completely go away but, with time, it will become less all consuming and you will adjust to a new normal.

needastrongone Mon 21-Mar-16 20:00:55

William is a lovely name.

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