Misty breeze wraps about my shoulders, thinly clad. I shiver not, despite the coolness on my skin. Comfort, I now feel. Is it you my precious Angel?

(971 Posts)
chipmonkey Tue 13-Nov-12 20:36:33

Starting a new thread for our angel babies
Sylvie-Rose 16/8/11 to 4/10/11 too short my love, too short.

Thanks Chip and Lavandes for the old and new thread - much appreciated. xx

chipmonkey Sun 10-Feb-13 23:17:53
lavandes Sun 10-Feb-13 21:29:08

I have started a new thread but everyone feel free to replace. I have no idea how to link xx

lavandes Sun 10-Feb-13 21:04:04

Hi Vera, I have been here since April 2010 and I struggle with a poem or poignant saying to start a new thread but it doesn't really matter, we are all in the same boat, the important thing is that we all support eachother so I will try this time xx

Saint - I never thought of it that way - well said Chip. xx

I think the good part of starting a new thread is that you get to put a thread title to honour your own child IYKWIM? You can make it more personal to you whilst still applying to everyone else.

Why dont you give it a try love? xx

SaintVera Sun 10-Feb-13 13:38:16

I still can't accept that I am on here and not on Special Needs Children where I used to belong. So sad. I know everyone else is in the same boat of not wanting to be here. It's tough isn't it xx

chipmonkey Sun 10-Feb-13 12:56:57

Vera, you are as qualified as the rest of us! A lot of us started threads within a short time of losing our dc's but obviously don't feel that you have to either! I won't as I started this one so it's not my turn.

Saint - a few of us started this thread, I think, about 6 years ago. We wont let it just stop - dont worry - so glad it has helped a little for you.

If nobody else wants to start a new thread I dont mind doing it at all....but also dont mind if someone else wants to - just shout up - we still have quite a few messages to go xx

SaintVera Sat 09-Feb-13 12:44:24

Hi chip, I don't feel qualified, I don't know why. Just beginning this 'journey' (the worst journey I've ever been on). I really hope someone does start a new thread. It's been a lifeline to me x

chipmonkey Sat 09-Feb-13 10:52:04

Morning folks. Anyone want to start a new thread? This one's getting full.

chipmonkey Fri 08-Feb-13 19:51:00

Vera, it is terrible. The endlessness of it.
Today a patient told me her daughter is dying.sad
One of my colleagues implied that it was harder for that lady than it was for me because this lady is in her eighties. I actually think, not that it's easier for her, of course it isn't, but if what I believe is correct, then it's likely that she'll see her daughter much sooner than I'll see mine. And I kind of envied her her elderliness. But that's screwed up! I'm wishing my life away.

SaintVera Fri 08-Feb-13 17:01:18

mia I wish it was good but it isn't. Every single day is a slog from start to finish. I wonder how long I can stand it sometimes. I just continue to live and have some glimpses of light here and there. It is so exhausting. I do appreciate the counselling - it usually gives me some relief for a bit.
chip glad you found comfort in your lovely dream

chipmonkey Fri 08-Feb-13 11:24:37

Had a dream that I was picking up ds2's jumper off the floor ( exciting I know!) when a white feather dropped out. Then I looked up and saw that there was a trail of white feathers across my hallway, laid out like footprints, and the trail went up the wall and disappeared at the ceiling. Felt comforted when I woke.

Sounds 'good', saintvera. Glad the counselling is also helping.

A happy-sad day today. Finn had his first day at school as we took him along to present the Mia's Wood design competition awards. Some truly amazing work by 11 and 12-year olds. But I did have a sad moment, knowing that Mia won't ever have that first day at school.

SaintVera Thu 07-Feb-13 20:47:46

Evening all.

I realise I am still doing life one minute at a time, most of the time. It most definitely isn't a day at a time, but sometimes it's an hour at a time. Went from ok-ish to despair to ok-ish today. Felt better after counselling.

I hope you have had ok days with less of the despair xx

kneecaps the last thing you need to feel is guilt towards the rest of us about how you are feeling... this is the safe haven where you can be totally honest about your grief and pain, especially when you feel you can't show how you feel in RL. Same goes for you, saintvera!! But equally, you shouldn't feel guilty for the moments when you aren't consumed by your loss, when you smile at something odd, or laugh with someone.

Someone on here (a very wise lady, I think) once said that grief is like a tsunami, it comes and goes without warning, and there can be also waves which threaten to drown you, and then which slowly subside. You have to keep afloat, and that is all you can do when you are in the middle of such a storm, as there is almost no room for peripheral thoughts or actions. You are in survival mode, and do the bare minimum to get through the day, hoping you will find safer waters soon. And there will be moments of calm when you take a breath and keep going...

cafe are you getting any sleep yet? Worried about you!!

kate ttc is very hard while grieving. I cried a lot, and felt horribly guilty, missing Mia, but wanting the chance to hold my own child once more.

chip I also wish that you could find Sylvie-Rose in your dreams again. Maybe she is visiting other family and friends at the moment? Have the boys mentioned her recently?

After my bad dream the other night, I have since had another dream about Mia, which I can't really remember, but I know she was being busy and happy and gorgeous. I like to think she was telling me that this was the truth.

The other night we watched Source Code, and at the end, when it revealed the possibility of alternative realities, I suddenly began to cry. I want Mia to be in another reality with me, MrMia and Finn, where she with us as a big sister and we are a happy family all together. How I long for this to be true!

chipmonkey Tue 05-Feb-13 12:43:05

Afternoon, ladies. xx

SaintVera Mon 04-Feb-13 16:56:25

kneecaps, sorry xxx I have very little positive to add to this thread, but offload on here regularly. I feel a violent urge to 'spew' out my grief sometimes (often). It is hard when few people really want to hear it in real life.

chipmonkey Mon 04-Feb-13 15:45:31

Sorry you're having a tough time, Kneecaps. And no need to be sorry. I think this thread can sometimes read a bit like a diary, that people only write in when depressed!

Kneecaps Mon 04-Feb-13 14:11:54

Hi all. Sorry that so far I have only come on a few times to say "pity me" and have not been of any help to anyone. Feeling sick with grief today

chipmonkey Mon 04-Feb-13 12:04:04

I don't dream about Sylvie-Rose at all any more. I would love to dream about her but don't envy those of you who have had nightmares, that's probably worse than not dreaming about them.

Kate, sorry to hear you are having trouble ttc. Very unfair that you had your two little boys and are now struggling just to get pregnant.

SaintVera Sun 03-Feb-13 18:29:02

oh cafe, I really hope you can get some rest. Sleep deprivation is torment xxx

cafecito Sun 03-Feb-13 16:34:01

kate, after I lost DD I would wake up every day thinking she was alive and lying next to me - then every single morning I would have torealise she had died, all over again- seemed to go on for ages

cafecito Sun 03-Feb-13 16:32:43

hello all

I've finally lost it

I cannot sleep at all...the last time I slept I had the most dreadful nightmares, so feeling huge empathy to you all who suffer, kate, charley, everyone - it's shit isn't it.

I am now hyper hyper hyper and literally cannot sleep. Ihaven't felt this unhinged since after it first happened, a good 4 years ago sad I think it's the stress of many exams on top

bumped into someone today in the hospital I'm based at who knew of DD as she works at DDs treating hospital during the week - was really bizarre to see her of a sunday morning we had a long chat, it was nice, to know DD is spoken of, and that someone has named their baby after her sad but talking about those people and those places, made me really miss it, and in turn miss DD and then fall into my pit of disbelief again,

back now closing it off from my brain as I crack on with some work. I hope I will just get really really tired after a few days of no sleep, so that I will just collapse into bed if I go home, and sleep deeply to avoid nightmares! I'm usually quite sane, honest hmm

thinking of everyone

Mia I really hope these dreams go away soon too - and for you and everyone else out there suffering - they seem so real that they are the worst part of the grieving process for me x
Saint how odd lol i've been feeling like that for a while now and the song is just so appropriate

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