kneecaps, sorry xxx I have very little positive to add to this thread, but offload on here regularly. I feel a violent urge to 'spew' out my grief sometimes (often). It is hard when few people really want to hear it in real life.
kneecaps the last thing you need to feel is guilt towards the rest of us about how you are feeling... this is the safe haven where you can be totally honest about your grief and pain, especially when you feel you can't show how you feel in RL. Same goes for you, saintvera!! But equally, you shouldn't feel guilty for the moments when you aren't consumed by your loss, when you smile at something odd, or laugh with someone.
Someone on here (a very wise lady, I think) once said that grief is like a tsunami, it comes and goes without warning, and there can be also waves which threaten to drown you, and then which slowly subside. You have to keep afloat, and that is all you can do when you are in the middle of such a storm, as there is almost no room for peripheral thoughts or actions. You are in survival mode, and do the bare minimum to get through the day, hoping you will find safer waters soon. And there will be moments of calm when you take a breath and keep going...
cafe are you getting any sleep yet? Worried about you!!
kate ttc is very hard while grieving. I cried a lot, and felt horribly guilty, missing Mia, but wanting the chance to hold my own child once more.
chip I also wish that you could find Sylvie-Rose in your dreams again. Maybe she is visiting other family and friends at the moment? Have the boys mentioned her recently?
After my bad dream the other night, I have since had another dream about Mia, which I can't really remember, but I know she was being busy and happy and gorgeous. I like to think she was telling me that this was the truth.
The other night we watched Source Code, and at the end, when it revealed the possibility of alternative realities, I suddenly began to cry. I want Mia to be in another reality with me, MrMia and Finn, where she with us as a big sister and we are a happy family all together. How I long for this to be true!
I realise I am still doing life one minute at a time, most of the time. It most definitely isn't a day at a time, but sometimes it's an hour at a time. Went from ok-ish to despair to ok-ish today. Felt better after counselling.
I hope you have had ok days with less of the despair xx
Sounds 'good', saintvera. Glad the counselling is also helping.
A happy-sad day today. Finn had his first day at school as we took him along to present the Mia's Wood design competition awards. Some truly amazing work by 11 and 12-year olds. But I did have a sad moment, knowing that Mia won't ever have that first day at school.
Had a dream that I was picking up ds2's jumper off the floor ( exciting I know!) when a white feather dropped out. Then I looked up and saw that there was a trail of white feathers across my hallway, laid out like footprints, and the trail went up the wall and disappeared at the ceiling. Felt comforted when I woke.
mia I wish it was good but it isn't. Every single day is a slog from start to finish. I wonder how long I can stand it sometimes. I just continue to live and have some glimpses of light here and there. It is so exhausting. I do appreciate the counselling - it usually gives me some relief for a bit. chip glad you found comfort in your lovely dream
Vera, it is terrible. The endlessness of it. Today a patient told me her daughter is dying. One of my colleagues implied that it was harder for that lady than it was for me because this lady is in her eighties. I actually think, not that it's easier for her, of course it isn't, but if what I believe is correct, then it's likely that she'll see her daughter much sooner than I'll see mine. And I kind of envied her her elderliness. But that's screwed up! I'm wishing my life away.
Vera, you are as qualified as the rest of us! A lot of us started threads within a short time of losing our dc's but obviously don't feel that you have to either! I won't as I started this one so it's not my turn.
Hi Vera, I have been here since April 2010 and I struggle with a poem or poignant saying to start a new thread but it doesn't really matter, we are all in the same boat, the important thing is that we all support eachother so I will try this time xx