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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

have given the ultimate punishment - no Xmas pressies!

116 replies

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:22

I'm fed up. Ds(4) has "anger management" problems. He came home today saying he'd hit his teacher (again)! Frustrated & furious, I told him he'd get no Xmas pressies from me because bad children who hit don't deserve presents. I went on to say that if grownups hit each other, they risk going to prison & there is no excuse for his lack of control. I admit I'm desperate but maybe I've gone too far? What do you think?

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AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:24

Oh, dear.

He's four.

Too harsh, but you need strategies and help, not to be told you were harsh by fly-by-thread posters.

When you say anger management problems, are you expecting him to be able to keep his temper without guidance?

BeeWiseMen · 19/12/2007 21:25

wow? Will you actually be able to do it?

morningpaper · 19/12/2007 21:26

No christmas presents is a bad idea

What will you say NEXT time he is naughty? He has to live in a box in the garden?

Are you getting some proper advice on handling his behaviour?

GooseyLoosey · 19/12/2007 21:27

This is the kind of this I would do, but think you have gone too far. Ds (4.5) has some behavioural issues too, but I have found that positive reinforcement works better. Could you tell him that he can earn them back by good behaviour and then praise every little thing he does. Think this is the kind of thing he might remember if you don't find a way out.

constancereader · 19/12/2007 21:28

Are his school offering any support? What did they say?

onepieceoflollipop · 19/12/2007 21:29

Agree with Munker. If it was me I would apologise in the morning but obviously you will need alternative strategies. I have no bright ideas but hoping someone will have more practical advice.

wassup · 19/12/2007 21:30

did the teacher tell you he/she was hit or did it come from ds (because I'd be more inclined to listen to the teacher!)?

lots of boys go through pushy/hitting/fighting stages at around that age - perhaps you need to ask for some help if it is getting to you.

morningpaper · 19/12/2007 21:30

Christmas presents should be given because you love someone. Not because they are "good."

Don't use LOVE as a BRIBE for good behaviour.

Get some proper advice.

beansprout · 19/12/2007 21:33

Please don't tell him he is bad. His behaviour might be but he is not. This distinction matters.

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:36

love you all or is it the whisky talking?

ds has been behaving badly again since end October. I'm at my wit's end. We've been twice to the paediatrician, who finally referred us to a psychologist but the bloody psy is no bloody good - for ex., I asked him, "do you think we'll be able to work this out?" & he said " I don't have a crystal ball so how should I know?" to which I replied "oh, so you don't feel you're in control of the outcome of this situation?" Which didn't gain his sympathy but did show me what an absolute plonker this guy is.

I'm desperate. How do I help my boy to control his temper?

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AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:38

Do you like him? I mean, you love him, yadayada, he's your DS, but do you actively demonstrate that there are things about him you like?

wassup · 19/12/2007 21:41

Have you asked him what he feels before he loses his temper? (sometimes they can identify when they are going to lose it because they feel 'hot' or 'tight' or like a 'ball')?

Quite seriously now, I was terrified for my ds at that age. I never thought he'd last at school his temper was so so awful. He still has bad days now but they are getting fewer and fewer.

We had to set very strict boundaries and send him to his room when he hit badly but the KEY key thing with ds was lots and lots of love.

Is this his first term at school? He'll also be very tired now which doesn't help.

morningpaper · 19/12/2007 21:41

start a thread asking for help with agressive 4 year old boy

it seems VERY COMMON at that age to have an agressive 'turn'

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:43

I try to show him my love more than I used to. TBH I didn't bond with him at first the way I bonded with dd. I do love him, I've realised that, but I'm afraid of his rages. He's maybe a bit too much like I used to be.

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AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:43

Can you get a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk?

There are some good ideas in it for helping children with anger.

Can you get him to draw how angry he is?

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:44

He was born angry.

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AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:44

Do you chat together? He can't be angry all the time? What does he like? Does he get much one-to-one time with you? Do you tickle him and ruffle his hair and call him pet names?

beansprout · 19/12/2007 21:45

What do you mean, born angry?

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:46

We got their 1st term reports today. Dd has done brilliantly but ds clearly has difficulty. Of course he's only 4 so I don't worry about his "work" but hitting the teacher & his classmates is sooooo beyond the pale.

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LittleSleighBellasRinging · 19/12/2007 21:47

I think you already know that it's far too draconian to withdraw christmas presents and also it's inappropriate - for a 4 year old, a sanction should be immediate so that s/he relates the consequence to the behaviour. A consequence a week later is merely a terrible tragedy, it won't teach him anything except that life's a bitch.

Are there any parenting courses you could go on? A lot of stuff in that book, is done in parenting courses and they are a great way of meeting other parents, realising you're not alone and helping you see your DC's behaviour as age-appropriate and therefore dealable with and reducable (sorry, I'm sure none of these words exist but I hope you kwim).

AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:48

Do you like him? Because he is four - he can't really help how he behaves yet. But you can - you can show him that it's OK to be him and that he's a pretty special little boy. Because it doesn't sound like he believes it at the moment - and it doesn't sound like you do either

Please don't compare him to your DD. It's not fair on either of them. Do, please, read that book I recommended though. And their other one, Siblings Without Rivalry is excellent too. I'd highly recommend that if you're ever tempted to compare them.

xmasfortunecookie · 19/12/2007 21:49

At first he didn't breathe (born by C-section, planned because had emergency C-section with dd) & then he made it very clear what he wanted & when. Huge appetite, which is wonderful, but so demanding & if not satisfied immediately, flew into dreadful screaming fits that went on & on.

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AwayInAMunker · 19/12/2007 21:49

And surely, please, please tell me you're not considering giving your DD lots of Christmas presents and your DS nothing?

beansprout · 19/12/2007 21:51

Cookie - it sounds like this goes quite deep and from your posts (and I appreciate that I may have this entirely wrong), it seems that you actually don't like him very much?

wassup · 19/12/2007 21:52

I know it isn't acceptable to hit but lots of boys do and you need to find a way of managing that without it going into all out war.

Also, having a girl first does REALLY not prepare you for having a boisterous boy I'm afraid so comparing them at school will do you and him no favours!

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