about coming home and dinner time?

[KellysZeros]

I'll try and describe the scene. DH and I have just moved house to a new area (no children yet). He has a busy job and I'm looking for new work (and quite likely to be doing some freelance work). We have 1 car and we live about a 10 minute drive from the train station that DH uses to get to work, and I've been dropping him off, and picking him up. I've therefore been responsible for keeping the house in order, making dinner, etc, while I look for work.

Last night, I send DH a message at 5pm asking what time he might be home. He messages back to say he'll be at the train station at 6.30. Then messages a bit later to say it will be 7, then again a bit later to say it will be 7.30.

I pick him up from the station, and when he gets home, he starts to complain that dinner is not ready. (Dinner was going to be something I could make in 20 minutes - fry some fish, boil potatoes and steamed beans). I explain it's difficult to plan when I don't know when he'll be home (he has a habit of being late, or underestimating how long something will take - together, we're often late for things).

Anyway, he says he would like to use my laptop to write some work emails while I cook dinner, so he goes off to my office (where I've been doing the freelancing). I cook dinner and after 20 minutes, I shout upstairs that dinner is ready. 5 minutes later, I go up and tell him, I wait (hungrily) downstairs, and after a further 10 minutes say I'll start without him. He eventually comes down after another 15 minutes. He then complains that my office was a bit messy.

I appreciate he has a busy stressful job, but I think his behaviour last night was so disrespectful and I'm still angry with him this morning. He feels that he is being put under pressure to come home on time, and he feels overworked.

AIBU to be annoyed with him last night?

[JC23]

YANBU
It's not always possible to get home on time or finish work on time but out of respect for you he ought to at least be apologetic and acknowledge that your time matters too

[KellysZeros]

I feel right now he is being a bit disrespectful and hypercritical (having recently moved house, there are still lots of jobs to do, but while he has been at work, I've been putting Ikea furniture together, sorting out the insurance, getting the internet connected, etc, etc.)

[Wolverbamptonwanderer]

Unless this is part of a bigger picture, I think he's just had a bad day.

[wowbutter]

Can you not make dinner for a set time, eat it and then he heat it up later if he is going to be late?

He is treating you like a skivvy.

[honeylulu]

Er, how did he think you were going to pick him up from the station and cook a 20 mins meal at the same time? Do you have a teleport machine?
Take care to tackle this now as he may be getting into a mindset of "I'm busy and important and I can do what I like without challenge - she is a woman and should do what I expect of her".

[KellysZeros]

I could just do that with dinner, but that would be put more pressure on him, and I guess I like the idea that after a long day at work, we should be able to eat dinner together.

[Bobochic]

Your DH is severely underestimating the time you need to plan, coordinate and execute a whole lot of boring but necessary domestic chores. He is being self-important about the fact that he is at work and thinks his agenda should trump yours and that you should suck it up.

[Crumbs1]

Give and take? He's tired and grouchy but relationships need forgiveness. Do supper that keep for a while. You are probably reacting partly because you are isolated without a job doing 'menial' stuff.

[KellysZeros]

honey I think I am a bit sensitive to the idea that he has the big "important" job, and I'm currently unemployed. It's a pattern in his family. His father works 6 days a week in an "important" job and his Mumas never really worked.

[kissmethere]

Yanbu, be careful it sounds like he's getting you into a habit of waiting on him and and foot.
He's turning something that we would ordinarily do for each other into a demanding chore. Why should you be so mindful to his timescale when he's disregarding yours?

[MrsJayy]

Does he always pick at you like this ? He sounds rude and mean actually are you doing to put up with it ? It is none of his business if your work room as a mess and you are not a bloody house slave you can't pick him up and cook at the same time.

[wifeyhun]

He would be making his own dinner from now on if that was my DH.

[KellysZeros]

I think he has a tendency to be a perfectionist (which obviously has its merits in some areas) and therefore a bit critical, which can result in a bit of a martyr "why do I have to do everything". Yesterday for example, I'd hoovered the house, cleaned the kitchen, did some correspondence and went to the post office, as well as a quick drop off at the shops, dropping him off at work (he missed the train yesterday because he got up late, so I drove him all the way into the city). And he comes and criticises for not having dinner ready.

[hettie]

Whose decision was it to move thus forcing you to give up your job?

[blueskyinmarch]

My DH can be the same with train times etc but i would have to say he would never ever complain that he had to wait for food to be cooked. He is very grateful that i go to the bother of cooking for him and he always tidies up afterwards and makes me a cup of tea. He also doesn’t mind having his food left on a plate to reheat if he happens to be very late.

Your DH sounds very disrespectful OP and needs to understand you are his partner not his maid.

[DeepInFrance]

Sounds like he had a bad day. Still, no excuse for criticising your office (or repeatedly ignoring calls that dinner was ready). Dh and I worked from home for many years and schedules were erratic to say the least. I do all the cooking and what helped was making meals that weren't time sensitive. Curries with precooked rice heated up in a sieve over the curry (as you warm it). Roast chicken (can be eaten at any temperature) plus bread and salad. Fresh pasta and bottled pesto plus grilled prawns takes three or four minutes. Don't beat yourself up trying to do meat (or fish) and two veg from scratch.

[KellysZeros]

It was a joint decision, but it was semi-forced by his employer (we're expats now) and it is a good opportunity, but it did mean me having to leave my job.

[MrsJayy]

You need to make a stand he is thinking he is far more important to actually respect you tbh if it was my Dh I would have eaten my dinner after the first shout

[Maxwellthecat]

That's so annoying.
However I get in late in the evening and I just want to eat straight away, so I use a slow cooker then the food will be able to be eaten whenever.

[kissmethere]

You're being considerate and he is not. You have your day and he has his. He expects you to be available to have his needs met however doesn't think about yours. You're both trying to make it but he's showing disrespect by being so flippant about what your day entails.
Seriously, be a bit more selfish for your own sake.

[Caipirinha77]

Op - it's very annoying when you have made dinner and the phone suddenly goes with some crises call, or they "remember" some urgent email or something. You feel totally sidelined. I've had years of this. If and when you have kids in the mix it's even worse - is everyone supposed to hang about for the call to finish, or what?

When you freelance, will this be from home? You may find that, in his mind, this will be interpreted that you are essentially "at home". Have words now!

[KellysZeros]

I suppose we're both a bit prisoners to our experience. My parents didn't have especially stressful jobs, so as a child, they would be home by 5, dinner / tea would be at six etc, and we'd eat as a family. DH's mother never worked, and in DH's own words, would never have the same meal twice in a month (and I feel that pressure a bit). I am sympathetic to DH and his job which is hard work. Week before last, he had a week where he was getting home after 10pm, and last week, he had to travel with work.

[CheesyWeez]

I would be very annoyed in your shoes OP.
As you're abroad maybe everyone finishes later at his work and he does have to stay as long as that.
But complaining about the dinner not being ready then not coming for it when you called?
I think his dinner should have been in the dog after the first call ;-)

You've been at home doing boring jobs all day and want to eat with him and talk when he gets in. Totally reasonable. Tell him how your days are no picnic either. If he's not looking forward to eating with you in the evening then what's the point?

[FurryLittleTwerp]

My husband is like this, & I go to work - okay not as many hours at him, but I do 95 % of the domestic stuff - & he is never happy with the timing of dinner - he hates eating as soon as he gets in (fair enough) but won't tell me what time he's arriving, hates anything "kept warm" or "reheated", insists we all eat together (I prefer that too) & seems to dictate everything according to what is on the TV - usually crap motoring stuff, hates any sort of fuss being made, like reminding him what time it'll be ready, then asks really fussy nit-picky questions about ingredients & cooking techniques - he's not really interested I'm sure, just taking the piss in some way.

It is exhausting.

[ChatEnOeuf]

In our ten years of marriage, I don't think I have ever had dinner ready when DH got home from work - even during our expat years when I wasn't in the same job as I do at home. His finish times are completely unreliable, so unless he calls me with a near-enough guaranteed time he will be home (I'm leaving now, I'll be 15 minutes), then I start making dinner when he gets back. Unless it's something that can sit in the oven/slow cooker for ages, it just gets ruined. And that's not counting a journey to the train station to interrupt food prep! Does he understand how cooking works? Maybe he needs that explaining.

Our house has a 'your space, your mess' rule. I'm not cleaning his office space, I don't expect him to clear mine. We do not criticise one another, we work differently - but we do have sufficient room at home to have separate work spaces.

It does sound like he doesn't see the work you're doing in the daytime. Could be that his new role is stressing him out and he's taking that home, but it's not on to ignore everything you're contributing.