To view my Son as work

(114 Posts)
emmeline25 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:22:58

I love my Son more than anything and when I'm with him I enjoy being his Mum. I make sure to spend quality time with him when we are together, I do everything I can for him and I do love him very much and enjoy him being in my life, or course I do. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression when he was 9 months old and found it very hard to cope. I was offered counselling and felt a lot better. I no longer have postnatal depression but I'm not sure if what I feel is normal.

I am not with my Son's Dad anymore but he is a great Dad and he has him 3 days of the week. He has him Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I have him back Sunday morning. I work Tuesday-Friday until 6pm and have all day with him Monday until his Dad picks him up Thursday at 3pm. I also have him quite a bit at weekends here and there and do get lots of quality time with him.

I look forward to him going to his Dad's and would be lying if I said I missed him when he's away. I know that sounds awful. On Sunday I feel really down as I know I'm getting him back. I love my Son but don't love looking after him. It's the same feeling I used to get on a Sunday night realising it's work tomorrow. I view my Son as work because although he's a good boy, he is still work. I've got to bath him, make him food/dress him/read him books/play with him. It's quite intensive. I much prefer being on my own if I'm honest. I never appreciated not being responsible for anyone until I had a child.

There's many aspects of parenting I love. He comes into my bed every night and I wake up to him asleep cuddling me. That's lovely, and his delight when it's bed time and time to read his favourite books. I love how enthusiastic he is to show me new things he's done. He's a truly lovely and very happy child. But deep down I do love being on my own with friends, and I view looking after my Son as a sort of 'work' and I'm really relieved when it's bed time and time for me to relax.

Is this normal, AIBU to think like this?

user1477282676 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:24:58

Normal in my opinion.

It's hard work.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Mon 24-Oct-16 14:26:09

I think that's pretty normal.

formerbabe Mon 24-Oct-16 14:27:11

It's normal! My dc are school age...unlike most people, Monday morning is the best bit of my week! I drop them off and come home to an empty house...bliss! I love my dc unconditionally but motherhood is really hard work!

GinAndSonic Mon 24-Oct-16 14:29:16

I'm so pleased the pp say it's normal, Im similar. I have two, I hardly ever get a night off from them and at this point going to my job is a welcome break. I don't miss them when they aren't with me. They are a responsibility that I have to fulfil, and I'm acutely aware of the impact it has on my life, what I could be doing etc.
I love them, and I'd fight to the death for them if needed. But God, just for a weeks solid break from it all.

Jclm Mon 24-Oct-16 14:29:47

Normal for me as well lol

emmeline25 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:32:25

Thank you so much! I'm really relieved to see these replies.

SongforSal Mon 24-Oct-16 14:34:02

It's perfectly normal to enjoy alone time, and time with friends, or even look forward to the peace when he's in bed. However, I do not think it's normal to not miss him or to feel as you do before he returns home.

GinAndSonic Mon 24-Oct-16 14:35:24

Me too Emmeline! I have been crying this morning thinking about what a horrible mum I must be. I get one night off every three weeks. I'm so tired. I don't remember who I am. I feel resentful sometimes, then my DD says goodnight by calling me beautiful mama and wishing me sweet dreams and I feel guilty for wanting a holiday from it.
Parenting is hard. Single parenting is really hard.

GiraffesAndButterflies Mon 24-Oct-16 14:37:32

It's normal and I think possibly harder if he's spending time at your XP's because you get reminded what you're missing. I just sent my 3yo off for a night with her grandparents and OMG I forgot how calm it could be without her. How quiet not having someone chatter to me every moment. How much less work when you are only getting yourself dressed and not persuading someone else to put some fucking socks on.

I adore my DD but I don't yet find her relaxing company. I'm sure one day I will grin

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 24-Oct-16 14:37:58

Motherhood is far harder work than I'd imagined. I wouldn't be without my children but I crave alone time. In fact I've made no effort whatsoever to switch one of my shifts in a couple of weeks' time (I'm mainly SAHM, one day a week employed and one day self employed) because me working means my DH has to take the children away with him for the weekend and I get 2 days of peace. (Yes I'm working for one of them, but I'm still giddy at the thought of not being mithered for 48 hours!) However, I expect I'll be missing them all by Sunday and eager for chaos to return!

Eevee77 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:39:17

Normal. It's bloody hard work. One of my favourite parts of the day is looking as DS when he's fast asleep, especially after he's been a whirlwind all day and seeing how peaceful he looks and then running off for some me time!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 24-Oct-16 14:39:19

This all sounds normal to me too!

You can love your children and love being an adult. And, let's be honest, kids are hard work, lovely as they are. Even more so when you parent on your own.

DoinItFine Mon 24-Oct-16 14:45:22

It's normal.

I guess the only bit that's unusual is that he spends so much time with his Dad and because you aren't together that means you have a split week between having him there and not. That probably highlights to you how much more work there is when he's there.

Children are really hard work. The work/fun ratio changes as they get older and more independent. smile

toptoe Mon 24-Oct-16 14:54:31

Normal to be glad of bedtime. You feel so relaxed when they're asleep after all the sweet but repetitive stuff with little ones.

You sound like you're doubting yourself as a mother. If he's well fed, has love and kindness and care then he has enough from you. Don't feel guilty about being tired. I hate waking up and realising it's not my turn for a lie in. Being a single parent is round the clock for the days you have him so you know sat night that the next 5 days you'll be the only one there to parent him. So you feel a sense of knowing you'll be getting up early with him etc etc etc.

Whilst he's with you you sound happy. If you get sad or frustrated, maybe check in with your counsellor again.

Sadsnake Mon 24-Oct-16 14:56:03

Yep,children are hard work,when you parent properly...what you feel is normal for me too

JoJoSM2 Mon 24-Oct-16 14:56:04

It's normal. Just like when you love your romantic partner or family - doesn't mean want to be there and looking after them 24/7...

Liiinoo Mon 24-Oct-16 14:57:54

Perfectly normal. Don't beat yourself up about it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Mon 24-Oct-16 14:58:40

Perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be a perfect mum when you have your son? It doesn't have to be intense and you don't have to plan the whole day around him, entertaining him. He can play on his own sometimes or just be at home pottering about watching tv or playing in the garden. You can keep it simple, just going for a walk with him to pick up leaves or something.

You could also still meet up with friends and bring him along.
It might help to relax and go with the flow when you have your son and just enjoy his company. Try not to over analyse how you feel. No one is perfect.
He won't be little for long and he obviously loves spending time with you, so focus on that.

Stormwhale Mon 24-Oct-16 14:59:29

I sometimes feel like this but not all the time. Dp is around most days, but he doesn't live with us so sometimes I'm on my own with dd. I like bedtime, but I do really miss her when she isn't here. I look forward to her waking from her nap (not so much the morning wake up) and love how happy she always is to see me when we have been apart. I would struggle badly to be away from her for days at a time, but appreciate the down time I do get.

ishallconquerthat Mon 24-Oct-16 15:02:24

How old is he? You may start enjoying his company a bit more once he's older. I know a lot of mums who only started enjoying motherhood after the children were 6, for example. (I started enjoying it when my younger mas 2 and a half, and some people really do enjoy babies! grin Everyone is different)

MrsBernardBlack Mon 24-Oct-16 15:04:09

If you had to pay someone else to look after him, then that would be work for them, so therefore it is work for you. That's how I looked at it when DS was little. The fact that you love them, and obviously would do it anyway, doesn't always make it easy, and sometimes it is hard, and sometimes it's quite boring.

kateclarke Mon 24-Oct-16 15:04:20

Another one saying normal. It does get much easier as they get older. Mine is 12 and I don't do much for her at all. But I remember the younger days as very hard work.

StarlingMurmuration Mon 24-Oct-16 15:08:11

I miss my DS every minute that I'm at work, then spend most of the weekend looking forward to Monday when I can work from home in sweet, blessed peace. I think it's normal. They ARE hard work - but the older DS gets, the more he can entertain himself at least some of the time, which makse it easier.

Mylifeonmars Mon 24-Oct-16 15:25:43

I'm sorry but I've never felt this way and would never think it's normal to feel this way. And I've had my son 24 hours seven days a week for 14 years. I missed him horribly when he started school and never saw parenting as work. I never saw him as "Monday". The OP is a part-time mum and still feels it like a chore when her son is returned to her?
Maybe I'm the one who's not normal confused

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