To wonder how attachment parents get some evening adult time?

(226 Posts)
Ketchuponpizza Fri 19-Aug-16 18:19:11

I am a little crunchy, We have four kids and I carry my babies in a sling, cloth nappy, co sleep, breast feed on demand, etc. My DH is supportive of this, but after 7-8 months, he wants the manority of his evenings/bedroom back, and some time with his wife. Fair enough, we need time to be a couple. And so, he does sleep training. I hated it every time, so he used to send me outside with a glass of wine. If they wake up in the night, he offers them water, they have a cuddle, whilst he explains that it is night time, they look outside at the dark sky, check the other kids to see that they are asleep, and he puts them back to bed. Anytime from 4:30 onwards, I bring them into bed with me, and stick the little one on the boob. (We always wake up with at least one kid in bed with us on a morning. We don't mind, we are a cuddly family).

Thanks to him, our bedtime routine runs pretty smoothly. The odd hiccup/difficult evening, but hey, they are kids.

Recently, on another group, a young single first time mum, wrote that she was really struggling/tired with her 7 month old, asked for no -judgemental, non-negative comments. I wrote about my experience, and that now bedtime is pretty uncomplicated. My comments were deleted and I was given my first warning from admin, as they don't promote sleep training, because it can diminish the BF experience, and doesn't comply with 'gentle parenting'.

This is all news to me. If you don't give kids a bedtime, how will they ever go to bed as a toddler? How do they ever have time to be with their husbands? Or even to just do the housework? (What I end up doing most nights!!!)

I feel so sorry for that new mum, alone, and being told the only way is to co-sleep, despite her exhaustion and lack of help.

Babyzoo Fri 19-Aug-16 18:21:20

What's crunchy? Why can't you be an attached parent but send your kids to bed?

Cheby Fri 19-Aug-16 18:24:35

YABU. Read the rules of any FB group you join and comply with them, otherwise leave the group. If you're in an AP group you can't possibly be surprised that they don't support sleep training?

ScottishInSwitzerland Fri 19-Aug-16 18:25:03

I think the answer for most attachment parents is that they don't have adult time in the evenings.

RNBrie Fri 19-Aug-16 18:25:06

This is the sort of shit that drives me crazy, the idea you can only be one sort of parent or another and that anything other than full on attachment parenting makes you a cruel and awful person.

They deleted your comment cause they are knobs.

Can you pm the mum and tell her to come here for some more balanced suggestions?

Cel982 Fri 19-Aug-16 18:26:28

What you're describing doesn't sound like sleep training, which generally involves leaving the baby in their cot until they fall asleep, with varying amounts of arms-length soothing allowed. Promoting that sort of training on an AP group is never going to fly, is it? I BF my daughter to sleep in my bed and then sneak downstairs for the evening until she wakes, when I go to bed myself - DH and I usually manage to get a few hours to ourselves that way.

Babyzoo Fri 19-Aug-16 18:27:08

Attachment parenting, what a load of bollox.

There's no rule book when it comes to parenting and this labelling of this type and that type of parent is just a way to make insecure people feel better about themselves.

Why can't everyone just be a parent who does their best?

BarbLives Fri 19-Aug-16 18:29:44

Since when are nappies related to attachment??

I breastfed and carried and never sleep trained mine, but we still did the bedtime routine and put them to bed (in a bedside cot) and then left the room. They have always been great at going to bed without any tears though one did wake in the night until he was over 2.

'Sleep training' usually means leaving babies to cry without comforting/responding to them so I can understand that doesn't fit with the group's ethos.

selsigfach Fri 19-Aug-16 18:30:09

I breastfeed my toddler to sleep in the cot and then try to sneakily escape without waking them. No sleep 'training' here.

Ketchuponpizza Fri 19-Aug-16 18:31:13

I didn't think it was an AP group, just a BFing one and admittedly I just scanned the rules and didn't really pay attention.

And yes, I have pointed her to mumsnet. I always tell parents to come on here, you ladies are fab!

I think I might have to leave the group, shame, but hey ho. I am more of a 'whatever works for you' mum, and I do enjoy the variety of styles that the mums around me in RL have. Censorship doesn't really work for me.

Givemeabone Fri 19-Aug-16 18:31:14

I havea 3yr old & 7yr old. They both still sleep in our bed and 3yr old is still BF.
We just lay with them until they fall sleep (around 10mins) then leave them.
Then we shag on the sofa

53rdAndBird Fri 19-Aug-16 18:31:35

Am an attachment-parenty-type. I used to feed DC to sleep (in bedside cot), go downstairs, have adult time. Fairly straightforward?

Ketchuponpizza Fri 19-Aug-16 18:32:22

Hahaha GIVEMEABONE. I love the honesty! I was never able to sneak off without them waking up (am more Mr Blobby than Ninja)

53rdAndBird Fri 19-Aug-16 18:32:45

(doesn't account for bad nights, of course, but hey ho what does...)

Keepingupwiththejonesys Fri 19-Aug-16 18:34:30

From the age of 1 mine always start the night in their own bed. If they wake up in the night to get in with me I don't mind. Once they reach 2years6months (specific I know lol) we explain they sleep in their own beds and that's that. Took my eldest a week until she stopped trying to come in our bed, now she sleeps through every night. X

bumsexatthebingo Fri 19-Aug-16 18:34:44

YABU. If you join a gentle/attachment parenting Facebook group they will tend to have rules around what you can post. If you are going to advise sleep training, formula feeding etc it will probably go against the rules . If you don't like it then you can join a different group that doesn't have those rules. I'm not what you would call an 'attachment parent' btw.
I assume that however you parent your toddler would go to sleep before you as they tend to need a lot more sleep.

teafortoads Fri 19-Aug-16 18:36:49

Baby (now a toddler) goes to bed at 6 or 7 (no daytime nap and extremely active), I (as a single Mother with chronic fatigue/pain/health problems) sit downstairs twiddling my thumbs and not knowing what to do until exhaustion prevails and I join her. Read and/or dick about on my phone until whenever I fall asleep. On a Friday night I will treat myself to a couple of glasses of red wine and a Morrissey disco for one, just to pretend to myself I have some sort of (exceedingly tragic) life.

First year was very hard (I didn't choose to 'attachment' parent, the baby did and I, being clueless and constantly in pain and knackered just followed her plan of action) until you stop breastfeeding co-sleeping is, in my experience, like being a constantly open milk bar. It all gets much easier and better when they hit the big 1 year mark, then even easier by 2 and I am hoping this trajectory will continue.

What is a Crunchy Mum please?

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Fri 19-Aug-16 18:38:47

What 53rdandbird said. And tbh when I'm talking to other AP types it is specifically so that I can get advice/support/the opportunity to have a massive whinge that doesn't involve everyone saying 'oh but you have to let them cry a bit' etc etc etc as if that's the 11th commandment. So it would have annoyed me.

And frankly disingenuous threads started so that everyone can have a pop at attachment parents piss me right off too. So YABU.

Eeeek686 Fri 19-Aug-16 18:40:02

We do "attachment parenting" (bloody silly name IMO, for something that actually just seems to mean you don't like your babies crying when they actually just want their parent) in our house, and my two are pretty much always asleep by 8 so I have loads of evening, although they're both slightly older now at 19m and 3.5yr. Older child sleeps in her own bed now & had done since 22m, younger still sleeps with us but will be moving him in with DD soon.

They're both quite happy playing together or separately without me for good chunks of time note but with both when they were much younger I used the slings a lot and found them super comfy and easy to get stuff done with (housework, cooking, walks, etc) so was never really doing too much in the evenings bar chilling out, but each child is different I guess?

I think it's got to be harder as a single parent though hasn't it - noone to take over the watch, or even just to moan to/share a glass with.... Definitely think you Can have You time and Couple time whilst doing 'gentle parenting' though, it's just a matter of time?!

NovemberInDailyFailLand Fri 19-Aug-16 18:42:10

Your way sounds really good to me - I've got two and one due soon. Definitely believe in attachment, but your children also need you to be refreshed, and for you and their father to maintain your relationship.

It doesn't sound like 'sleep training', either. Just sensible.

Cheby Fri 19-Aug-16 18:45:21

Actually, I find it interesting that you say your DH wanted his evenings back and you hated the sleep training so much you couldn't do it. What would you have done if your DH wasn't bothered about having the baby in with you still?

Also, AP isn't about being permissive. We were/are broadly AP. We coslept til 14 months ish, then part time coslept (usually after midnight or so) until 2ish. DD still had a bedtime every night. She still had boundaries. They are not mutually exclusive.

NerrSnerr Fri 19-Aug-16 18:50:54

I don't know. I kind of get the argument that people want a space to talk about what parenting they do without judgement but I think it's judgey to delete what might be a helpful (and what sounded non judgemental) response because it doesn't fit with your parenting views. It didn't sound like the group was supportive of the other mum.

I am on the chilled side of parenting, no sleep training, still breastfeed my 2 year old etc but I have a friend who gives me the head tilt because I chose to use a pram, didn't co sleep and I use nursery and not grandparents (apparently we should quit our jobs and move back to one of our hometowns). I hate the judgement when surely we're all trying to do our best.

Rhythmsticks Fri 19-Aug-16 18:55:56

We lie with them until they are asleep (about 10 mins normally) and then come back downstairs. When they were babies we kept them in the living room in a moses basket until we went up.

Babyzoo Fri 19-Aug-16 18:58:47

What I don't get is if you think you do attachment parenting, what do you think everyone else is doing? Neglecting their children's needs?

With regards to sleep training you only have to visit the sleep section to see that some parents are at breaking point and simply cosleeping isn't working and nobody is getting any sleep.

cosytoaster Fri 19-Aug-16 18:59:16

On a Friday night I will treat myself to a couple of glasses of red wine and a Morrissey disco for one
That actually sounds pretty appealing smile

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