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Is ex he using emotional blackmail? He won't have son's dog when he stays over

141 replies

LucyJSkye · 16/05/2016 11:34

Hi All - I need please some independent opinions to help me reach a decision (I’ve never posted in a forum before).

My ex-husband has barely seen our son in 4 years; his choice. We had a horrid drawn out divorce and as part of the outcome I was granted full residency and a prohibited steps order (in Feb 2013) that he couldn't take DS from school or home unless agreed in writing. In December our DS said he wanted to see his dad, so I decided to give his dad another chance (for the umpteenth time). I knew it would open up a can of worms (as it has done) but did it for DS (now 13).

I wanted them seeing each other slowly so they could rebuild a relationship and so I could see consistency (on the rare occasions in the past that my ex had taken an interest he let DS down). My ex has a partner now, who seems nice enough. However it seems his interest in DS coincides with when he has a woman in his life. I have felt that it’s more about him being ‘seen’ to do the right thing? Anyone else had this problem? Anyway, I get distracted….

Our DS has been seeing his dad now on a Sat from 10.30am – 9pm. Jan & Feb he had him most Saturdays and also in March, but then the games started. Ex was pushing to see him every Saturday and for overnights. I wanted some time with DS so wouldn’t agree to every Saturday & my ex lives in a shared accommodation set up where our son wouldn’t have his own room (+ I had other concerns). I asked ex for reassurances which he wouldn’t give me.

E.g. of ‘games’ – 25 March he was trying to coax DS into staying over on the Sat through until Easter Monday (but we had a friend’s baptism on the Sunday). I was proud of DS because he said over & over, “only if it’s OK with mum”. On the Sat DS was concerned his dad wouldn’t bring him home and didn’t want to be put in that position, so although he wanted to go, he decided not to (he saw him on Easter Monday instead). I had emailed my ex asking him not to disregard my position on overnights and also stated for him not to keep DS for overnight without mutual written agreement or I’d have no choice but to involve the police to implement the prohibitive steps order. He threatened court (although with the order in place I don’t think he’d get anywhere) and on the Wed after, said to me with no provocation (when his girlfriend called me!!) “I don’t want to talk to you…I’m disgusted with you” and hung up! Since then I decided to communicate via email only!

As the arrangement to that point had been casual and was starting to ‘run away’ I suggested 2 Saturdays a month. DS wanted to see him more so I conceded to 3 Sats in a 5 weekend month and 2 in a 4 weekend month. So April he saw him 9th, 16th & 23rd (+Sunday 17th as it was a family christening so I am flexible & fair despite my ex’s words and actions and try to rise above the aggravation for DS’s sake).

7 May ex announces that he’s moving for DS so he can have his own room; great news. But before that they were considering moving to a canal boat lol! Ex says it’s for DS but it’s also so his partner is closer to her work (fair enough).

Finally… (sorry folks) to the dog; Skye. DS & I got her nearly a year ago from the RSPCA after sadly losing our family dog a year last Christmas. I didn’t rush to get another dog because it was nice after 15 years not to have the limitations that having a dog in the family brings with it in terms of going away, staying with friends, etc. (or the poop scooping!) DS had been asking for a while and as a ‘soft’ mum (stupidly with hindsight) I gave in. But only after me telling him she was his dog for him to look after (which at age 13 I felt was reasonable and to help teach him responsibility) and him agreeing. Since he’s been seeing his dad I haven’t insisted on Skye going with him because of it being shared living (in an old convent) and it only being for the day. I had always said to DS though that IF in the future he did stay with his dad, that he would need to take the dog.

I put forward to my ex yesterday that our DS could stay 1 out of the 2 Sats in a 4 w/e month (Fri to Sun) and 2 out of the 3 in a 5 w/e month (again Fri to Sun) but that Skye would need to come with him. I also said that I don’t need any more hassle from him as it's causing and will continue to cause undue stress & I don't want any more back and forth emails as they’re not proving progressive just us getting under one another’s skin (again!).

There’s more besides this post, but the crux of this message is re: the dog and trying to convey how I feel that it seems to always be me ‘giving’ and letting go of remarks and behaviour on ex’s part for DS’s sake and for progress for them. I said to my ex that because I feel he’s working against me not with me that the offer was a take it or leave it so as not to get embroiled any further.

His response: “The dog is not mine and I will and can not have it. And if you are adamant about this I can not have DS overnight (but I guess you already know that)”

I have said a few times that the dog is DS’s, not mine. I have compromised and said on the day visits I’ll continue to have her. But the bottom line is I feel as though it’s always me compromising and that (as my ex has done before) that his response is emotional blackmail and that both he and my son will therefore ‘ blame’ me for them not having overnight stays. I don’t know if where their proposing to rent doesn’t allow pets, but if this is the case I feel he should’ve thought about the bigger picture of DS staying and had he have done so DS could’ve told him I’d said back in January that Skye would need to go with him.

I love my son, but whether it’s viewed as selfish by some I feel why shouldn’t I get some freedom out of this? I looked after our previous dog (3½ years until she died) when my ex showed no interest, what if I want to take advantage of our DS staying with his dad and go away myself, stay with friends further afield, it’s a lot more difficult with Skye in tow and if I say I’ll have her some weekends that will mean further email correspondence which I so don’t want to have to do unless absolutely necessary and only to do with DS (+ once I give a bit, ex always expects me to give more). HELP, I’m tired of being a pushover!! (Sorry for the very long post….thank you if you’ve read to the end x)

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Stratter5 · 16/05/2016 11:38

Your ex is an arse, but no you can't expect him to have the dog. The dog may well be your son's, but you are the adult, and ultimately it is your responsibility.