To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

(732 Posts)
SpaceCadet4000 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:33:39

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

RJnomore1 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:35:20

Mines has done this too for some reason and it winds me up every month when I get my pay slip.

SheHasAWildHeart Sat 16-Apr-16 15:36:13

1. This will probably happen again with other departments and organisations so you need to recognise/be prepared for it.
2. Email them. I doubt they care. I changed my name when I got married. A few months later I decided I didn't feel comfortable and changed it back. IT had to change my email address. Payroll had to amend their records etc etc. They were probably annoyed but am sure they got over it in time.

WordGetsAround Sat 16-Apr-16 15:36:23

Are you sure you're not a special snowflake? Really angry and dismayed seem a little OTT!
As you say, easy to resolve!

Izzabellasasperella Sat 16-Apr-16 15:37:06

You told them you were married and are really angry because they have addressed a letter to you as Mrs? Bloody hell, sorry but get a grip.

ComfortingKormaBalls Sat 16-Apr-16 15:38:02

I think we are still in the early stages of NOT assuming women are either Miss or Mrs. In a few years time people won't assume. Don't be angry though - life is too short. A simple phone call on Monday will sort it out.

SpaceCadet4000 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:38:42

I'm glad I'm not the only one it winds up. It's so simple to just ask people their titles! Just ingrained sexism really.

Lumpylumperson Sat 16-Apr-16 15:39:04

Just e-mail and get it changed.

The thing is, the majority of people who are married will be Mrs. I really don't think there was any intentional 'casual undermining' of your identity. It was just an accident.

It's a bit like being called Sheila but with the spelling Shelagh and getting uppity when people get it wrong. Yes, they should ask but people tend to just assume it's the most common/usual one IYSWIM.

SpaceCadet4000 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:39:44

(but yes, I might be a little U about how much it's wound me up!)

LaContessaDiPlump Sat 16-Apr-16 15:41:27

I don't think it's that uncommon for women to prefer 'Ms' tbh or Doctor/Professor etc

Lumpylumperson Sat 16-Apr-16 15:41:54

The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

Surely this wouldn't happen? It's hardly scandalous or outrageous to be called Ms.

Out of interest. Why Ms and not Miss as its still changing your title. I'm probably being a bit think but just wondering. Is it because it shows that you've either been married or are married but doesn't indicate which?

MsJamieFraser Sat 16-Apr-16 15:44:48

Yes you are a special snowflake, getting really angry over something to minor is just hmm also no one has made assumptions about you, they've added a R to a title, it could just simply be human or computer error.

Email them and ask for it to be changed and stop being so precious.

LaContessaDiPlump Sat 16-Apr-16 15:46:02

For me yes, that's right lumpy. I really (possibly irrationally) hate it when my title reflects my marital status. Fuck that! Reflecting my professional achievements, that's another matter. I actually had to work for those.

SpaceCadet4000 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:46:46

I was a Ms before I was married Lumpy and made the decision a while before.

re Izzabella's comment: I actually think it's relatively common to choose this route now, so it's not really a case of what do I expect hmm

Lumpylumperson Sat 16-Apr-16 15:47:04

So why not just stay as Miss?

BeaufortBelle Sat 16-Apr-16 15:47:17

I manage an HR team responsible for inputting this sort of information. I doubt they even thought about it; and certainly didn't do it on the basis of inappropriate assumptions. They probably had a whole pile of amendments to put through before the payroll deadline and had the cursor too close to box adjacent to Ms. They probably checked the really important stuff like your salary, NI number, start date, cost code, correct holiday, etc.. They probably everyone who was new was on the payroll and getting paid.

I think you are reading far too much into this. Just send a polite email saying you were pleased to meet them, thank them for putting your stuff through on time and ask nicely if they could please amend your designation.

You are completely overreacting - it was probably a mistake made by people working under pressure. Life's not just about you; it's also about others and the pressures they are under too.

Lumpylumperson Sat 16-Apr-16 15:47:21

Oh I see. Sorry x-post.

LitteRedSparke Sat 16-Apr-16 15:47:53

i think i agree, its not a big deal, if you're grown up enough to go to work then surely you're grown up enough to send an email, or make a call to ask them to change it back

Brightnorthernlights Sat 16-Apr-16 15:49:07

Do you really feel that your 'identity has been casually undermined? '. When did a mistake stop being described as a mistake!

SwedishEdith Sat 16-Apr-16 15:51:31

I think we are still in the early stages of NOT assuming women are either Miss or Mrs. In a few years time people won't assume.

Sadly, this has been going on all my adult life (which is more than "a few years"). It's going to take a long time before Ms becomes the default title for all adult women.

LaContessaDiPlump Sat 16-Apr-16 15:51:49

Some of us dislike being referred to as 'Married female' in our everyday lives as if it's a defining characteristic. Hence, undermining identity.

SpaceCadet4000 Sat 16-Apr-16 15:55:47

Believe me- I'm not constantly thinking about this, and my frustration is rightly disproportionate. But yes, it does frustrate me that the company make no basic effort to actually ask what my title is. So it's not a mistake, it's an assumption.

As others have commented, it matters in other contexts too- my field hires many people whose jobs require them to have professional qualifications which would be reflected in their titles.

prettybird Sat 16-Apr-16 16:00:21

I've been Ms now for over 30 years - ever since I graduated and started work. In my mind it was part of being a fully fledged adult. Hadn't really thought about it when I went to Uni but while I was there, became more aware of wanting to be "Ms".

When I started my job after graduating was my first real opportunity to change my title from Miss.

Didn't change my name when u got married so therefore didn't have to change anything.

I would often get "Mrs" (or even Mr as I have a gender neutral first name wink) from people who didn't know me, which didn't bother me.

What did bother me was when HR got it wrong as I felt they should know better especially when they misspelt my surname so OP, YANBU.

LittleNelle Sat 16-Apr-16 16:00:55

I am a Ms too, but it sounds like you didn't tell them what your title was, and you did tell them you are married, so it's a pretty understandable assumption. I'm sure they would assume men's title is Mr unless they specifically said they are 'Dr' or 'Rev'.

TheVeryThing Sat 16-Apr-16 16:03:17

I find it bizarre that they have obviously been corresponding with you, and recruited you under your actual name but someone decided to ignore this and use your husband's name instead.
Why?
Im in my forties and no one I know uses Mrs, even if they did change their surname after marriage.
My payslip doesn't have any title, just my name and that's how I prefer things.
Even if it's easy to fix, it would massively piss me off too, there is no way this would happen to a man.

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