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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge row in our household. Wibu?

277 replies

Bogeybrains · 05/12/2015 23:10

My mum is staying with us at the moment. She's staying for 6 months while she's having some work done to her house.

I have to work every weekend for childcare reasons so DH looks after the DC ages 7 and 5. I have said quite a few times that DH does not seem to do much with them and have confronted him. He will take them to the cinema only if I think to buy tickets the night before, he might take them to the park for an hour. He takes them to his mother's and leaves them there for 3 hours every Saturday afternoon. Apart from that, most weekends they don't seem to do much at all Sad DC don't seem unhappy because they just get to play all weekend but I have long suspected that are just playing on their kindles all day.

My DM has been here for 3 weeks. She has made a few comments about DH just being on his phone all the time and not doing much with them. Today I came home from work at 7pm and when I went to speak to her, she just burst into tears. She said DH stayed in bed until 10 am and they were helping themselves to snacks from the fridge when she came through. She said he then took them out for an hour to look at planes. Came home. Put the telly on for the kids and went to bed. She said he got up for 1 hour to ask if anyone wanted lunch then went back to the bedroom and played on his phone for the rest of the day. She said he didn't play with them once and barely spoke to them. DH overheard us and came in. She accused him of neglecting his children. He's now sulking in the living room, saying she is judgmental and a stirrer. He says he has had a hard week, has a cold and he needed a lazy day but as I said he does not seem to do much with them any weekend. She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart. I'm kind of in the middle. Neglect seems too harsh but i'm leaning more towards DM - he needs kicking up the arse right?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 05/12/2015 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2015 23:14

Possibly he thought if their grandma was there playing with them, he could have a rest day?

BillMurrey · 05/12/2015 23:15

He may well need a kick up the arse, but your mum needs to keep out of it. Did he take to his bed because she was there?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 05/12/2015 23:16

Large kick up backside required- he is an absolute arse!

KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 23:19

Seems like he generally doesn't do much with them. But your mum really needs to keep out of this, especially with crying and causing more drama.

knaffedoff · 05/12/2015 23:19

Does he have any redeeming qualities, other than good with technology and an excellent sleeper Wink

Yep he needs his arse kicking

Witchend · 05/12/2015 23:21

Her bursting into tears is being over dramatic.

I don't think getting up at 10.00 is the end of the world, I don't sometimes at the weekend, and the children wouldn't be scavenging for stuff out of the fridge, but that's because they'd get up and get their own breakfast once they were school aged.

Also if she was that bothered, why didn't she do something with them? She sat and worried that they were being neglected, but didn't think of saying "come down to the shops with me?" Or"Would you like to play a game?"

And if she did, then I'd think your dh probably thought she'd like them to themselves, and didn't want to butt in.

BackforGood · 05/12/2015 23:21

Your Mum needs to stay out of it, or - here's a thought - help out if she's staying at your for 6 months.
I would not want my MiL living with us for 6 months (not that I don't get on with her - I do). She definitely would not be living with us if she thought it was OK to be criticising my parenting to my spouse/her child.

Quite possibly your dh could do more with the dc, but there's nowt wrong with a bit of chilling at the weekend. The Autumn Term is very long and dc are usually exhausted at this time of year - there's all sorts of different things going on at school, and it does them good to be able to just relax at the weekend rather than be rushed around from pillar to post, IMO.

However, what my opinion, or what your Mother's opinion is doesn't matte. Your dh was in charge of the dc, and perfectly able to use his own judgement with his own dc in his own home.

Evabeaversprotege · 05/12/2015 23:23

Your poor mum.

Have you broached this with him before?

CremeEggThief · 05/12/2015 23:23

This doesn't sound bad as a one-off at your DC's ages, but he needs to step up, if it really is every weekend.

Katiekatiekatiekay · 05/12/2015 23:23

Exh does this just puts the tv on all day for them Angry what can you do, he doesn't value time with his kids, he sees it as babysitting. From a safety point of view you need to find out if they are helping themselves to food etc when dgm isn't there ie did he just do that today because she was there?

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:24

Jesus though, if your Mum is going to live with you for 6 months, she needs to learn to wind the dramatics in.

Crying her eyes out and it's breaking her heart because even though he wasn't well and wanted a chill out day, he still took them to see the planes?

Why didn't she step up to the plate and help out?

If I worked all week and felt unwell at the weekend, I probably wouldn't have taken them out at all.

If my MIL decided to break her hear crying about it, I'd tell her to get a grip and wind her neck in tbh.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 05/12/2015 23:24

Things do need to change. Could your family arrangements be adjusted so that he gets more sleep in the week, leaving him less in need of a lie-in at the weekend?

KeepOnMoving1 · 05/12/2015 23:24

Agree with Back here.

Dragonsdaughter · 05/12/2015 23:25

If the kids are happy and 'playing' which is to me what they should be doing at weekends - what's the problem ? Kids don't need endless structured parent led 'entertaining' - they are at school all week and free play is actually essential for the development of healthy self motivation and ego.

your Mum is interfering in my opinion - if the kids are having accidents or in danger then yes that's a problem but kids being left to play is actually pretty good parenting - whatever your mother thinks.

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:26

Your poor mum.

WTF?

Why is she 'poor'?

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 23:26

Did he think your Mum was sorting them?

Wouldn't your DC have gone to him if they wanted anything?

Were your Mum's tears because she fears for the future of her GC or out of frustration because your DH wasn't doing as he's told what she thought he should be?

He's also living with your Mum for 6 fucking months Shock I'm sure there are plenty of posters who'd consider divorce if they had to live with their MILs for that long.

He was ill, your Mum was there, he checked on them and fucked off back to bed when he wasn't needed.

Agree that your Mum could be judgmental and a stirrer, she doesn't get to decide or enforce (your rules) what he does with his own children.

Tiggeryoubastard · 05/12/2015 23:26

He sounds a bit crap but your mum is an over dramatic shit stirrer. And tears?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 23:30

She burst into tears? How very odd. If my DH had a cold and went back to bed my DM would play with the kids and make their lunch. ffs, what a drama rama. Having said that, he does sound like he could make more effort. Why is he on his phone all he time? weird!!

WorraLiberty · 05/12/2015 23:32

Also, I would not be happy if my DH tried to control my time with the kids, to the point of buying cinema tickets.

If I want to take them to the cinema then I will.

So they tend to go to the park and visit their gran on a Saturday?

Other than the possible over use of the kindles (if indeed it is over use) I really can't see a problem here?

Do you work midweek also? If not, are you one of these activity crazy parents, who believes kids should be busy every minute of the day?

BadLad · 05/12/2015 23:33

If it was his mother staying, everybody would be saying you needed a medal as well as your head examined for agreeing to have your mother-in-law for six months.

Tiggeryoubastard · 05/12/2015 23:35

He's probably avoiding your mother, OP. wise move.

SecretBondGirl · 05/12/2015 23:35

I wouldn't be happy if my MiL reported to my dp about my parenting. What your Dh did sounded ok they went out got some fresh air then was at home playing. It is very cold and windy where I am today so we didn't go out at all.

Damselindestress · 05/12/2015 23:37

Your mum staying for 6 months sounds very stressful and may have been why he retreated to his room. I think it's going to be difficult for you and your DH to sort out issues like this while also dealing with the stress of a long-term houseguest. I do think your mother overreacted by accusing your DH of neglect, crying her eyes out and saying it's breaking her heart. The DC may benefit from more attention from your DH but they are happy and safe and he took them to see the planes, which sounds like a fun activity. I think neglect was a very emotive word for her to use that's bound to result in him being defensive. Drama isn't going to be any good for the DC's either. You and your DH need the space to discuss this calmly.

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 23:37

Not only bursting into tears though 'She is in her room crying her eyes out saying our dc are lovely children and it is breaking her heart'!

Is it telling that you're taking her seriously OP?

Is her dramatic sobbing a one off or does she regularly use these kinds of tactics to get her own way by manipulating you?