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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

155 replies

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 07:56

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 13/09/2015 07:59

You are being ridiculous. People say this stuff to kids all the time no matter what the kid actually looks like

Laquila · 13/09/2015 07:59

YNBU at all. There was an interesting, if rather earnest, blog post going around the American mom blogging sites a while ago - search for "how to talk to girls" on the website cupofjo.com. It basically suggesta asking little girls about what they're reading/what they've done today/what they want to be when the grow up as a conversation starter, rather than telling them how nice their shoes are or similar.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 08:00

No Flogging, not all kids get this amount of focus on their looks. I have three kids. People do not talk to the others about their appearance even half as much as they talk to my six year old about hers.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/09/2015 08:02

I'm sure people are quite capable of possibly mentioning her appearance/what she's read today/which subject she likes at school. One is not mutually exclusive of the others.

YABU

Laquila · 13/09/2015 08:02

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/882510?ref=fb&src=sp%22

Here's the original article

Flogging - just because people do it all the time, doesn't make it right or desirable, surely?!

Floggingmolly · 13/09/2015 08:03

Well all of mine must really be fabulous then...

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2015 08:05

How old is your dd? I agree that just praising a child for their looks is problematic (and this is something that happens most to girls) . You risk putting other people's backs up though so would start the conversation with those family and friends that are likely to listen seriously to you.

Also, be aware that your dd will be very aware about how you regard your own looks. So if you refuse to leave the house without being perfectly groomed, or can't bear getting occasionally muddy or dishevelled, she will consider those things unacceptable too.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/09/2015 08:06

Also, you can converse with your daughter as you wish, it's not up to you how to dictate how others interact and converse with your children IMO.

Mehitabel6 · 13/09/2015 08:06

I can see why you are upset but you have to realise that you have no control over what people say. You can try it with those close to you but I would imagine it is the general public who are the problem.

BarbarianMum · 13/09/2015 08:07

"People say this stuff all the time"

Not to boys they don't. They are called brave or clever.

LindyHemming · 13/09/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 08:08

Lawsuits - thanks for that link, it summarises how I feel really. If you tell a little girl that her appearance is what you notice first then you teach her it's the most important thing. It's not the most important thing and if she grows-up thinking it is then she is being set up for a less happy and fulfilling life.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/09/2015 08:09

Yes they do barbarian. One of my sons is very good looking. He does get it a lot.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 08:09

Not lawsuits! Laquita!

OP posts:
Spartans · 13/09/2015 08:10

Bloody hell! My kids must be gorgeous, because people always Comment on how lovely they look, their big eyes or think hair.

Most people will do it because that's what they see, they won't know enough to say 'wow aren't you good at reading'.

Dd does have gorgeous hair. I am insanely jealous of it. I used to get annoyed because people would stroke it whereever we went, people who don't know us. As she got older and talked to people, the comments about her looks stopped because people realised she was intelligent. At 11 people don't mention her looks they mention her manners or something ahe has said to them.

If it's family and you are genuinely concerned age is becoming obsessed with her looks and nothing else yanbu. If you are saying it to people you barely know who say it in passing Yabu.

I went to an event recently and saw people I haven't seen for 3 years. Everyone commented on the fact that my hair is no longer long and dark but short and red. Not one person mentioned the company I have built up and made a success of. Because they have no idea, they feel the need to comment and comment on what they can see.

I know I sound like dd is perfect. She isn't, but she quite intelligent and has great hair. Neither came from me.

Spartans · 13/09/2015 08:12

And yes boys do get it. Ds gets 'wow you have beautiful big blue eyes' all the times. Again not from me Grin. Or talk about how tall he is, or a comment about how cute his chin dimple is.

jinglymum · 13/09/2015 08:13

Barbarian my son is a very handsome little boy, most people we meet will comment on his looks before anything else. He's olive skinned, very dark eyes but with fair hair.

I don't think you can ask people to comment on her looks without sounding a little strange.

Doraydiego · 13/09/2015 08:13

People always comment on how cute my kids are. (they have their father's Hispanic beauty) They don't ever ever ever worry about how they look, if they have a spot/rash/etc. Maybe the problem is not what others say to them?

Doraydiego · 13/09/2015 08:15

*say to HER

Sirzy · 13/09/2015 08:16

Yabu.

And DS regulary gets comments about how lovely his hair his, how cute he is etc.

Unescorted · 13/09/2015 08:16

My Dd gets the same. We found that at the age of 6 her identiy is strongly shaped by our reaction to her, not by random strangers or even people she knows. Children are also strongly influenced by parental behaviour and how they interact with the wider societal network. With our DD we valued her other qualities and those are the ones she values now. If your dd's beauty is not something you want her to be defined by then minimise your reaction when people say she is pretty and mention something you feel is important about her character.

So yes YABU just because it is your behaviour that she is most likely reacting to not the comment about her looks from AN other.

SevenSeconds · 13/09/2015 08:16

From the title of your post I came on to say YABU, but actually from reading the OP I can see why you are feeling this way. But remember the biggest influence on your DD is you. If you focus on giving her the right messages then that is the most important thing you can do.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 08:17

My other two get comments like "you are so cute" "how lovely you look today". But DD2 gets it much, much more. It's honestly not the same for every child. The comments to her are also more specific about particular features which are striking.

But even if it's the same for every child I don't think it's right. People mean well but should think about the lessons their words teach impressionable young girls.

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 13/09/2015 08:17

You aren't going to be able to govern what other people say to any of your DC, and if she iis very pretty she is likely to get these kind of comments all her life. It may well over time become like water of a ducks back.
The best influence you can have is to encourage her to have good self esteem garnered from a range of areas, you are likely to be a bigger influence on how she see's herself anyway, especially whilst young.

FishWithABicycle · 13/09/2015 08:18

Yanbu it is by this means that our culture continues to enforce unconscious sexism and it will only change if it is challenged.