I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.
I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.
(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)
We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).
It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.
This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.
Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)
I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.
I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.
I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.
AIBU or is he?
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AIBU?
Policy on nipping out?
123 replies
Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24
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