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AIBU?

Policy on nipping out?

123 replies

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:24

I've namechanged for this, because DH will be reading this later on.

I don't know which one of us is being unreasonable here, no doubt you'll be impartial.

(There is every chance IABU, I grew up in an abusive household and seem to have trouble recognising when boundaries are stepped over but probably also when I'm being ridiculous.)

We have 2 small children. DH is in the habit of "nipping out" (to the shead to fix something, which sometimes takes 5 minutes and sometimes half an hour, and sometimes he then ends up going out for a bikeride). I want to be very clear about not having a problem with that. He is not required to ask for permission to go out. What I would like though, is that if he's nipping out, he'd let me know. I get frustrated when I call out to him (whether it's to check on the kids, or just chatting, and finding he's gone out without telling me).

It's not the "nipping out" that's the problem (or I'd surely have a problem with him taking the bin out or getting something from the car, which I don't...) it's the fact that more often than not, he loses track of time and half an hour accidentally goes by. It's not that I can't handle being on my own, or look after the kids... It's just that for me, telling someone you're going out is basic courtesy. DH thinks being required to tell me he's going out is me being a ball and a chain.

This morning, I asked him to keep an eye on the DC while I had a shower... but there was no reply, because it turned out he'd gone out for half an hours "blast on the bike". When he got back, I explained again that all I want is for him to let me know he's going... Instead of just finding he's not there, and working out he's gone. After all, we have a 2 year old, so he is deciding that I'm in charge of DC when he "nips out". We talked about it, he told me he understands my point and perhaps should mention to me that he's going.

Tonight, it happened again. I was clearing up after dinner, sorting out DC supper and trying to get them to calm down ready for bedtime, when I looked out of the window and saw DH was off, helmet in hand. He thinks I'm a nutter, because this time, he was just going to take some tools to the shead, work on a bolt and lock up. Which is fine (it's just that I don't know from one time to the next if he's planning to, or accidentally ends up being gone for 30 minutes instead of 3.)

I told him I thought we'd discussed this in the morning and he was going to tell me when he goes out. He said "what are you doing to me?", "I might as well have a ball and chain", because apparently this time he'd said he was going.

I hadn't heard him. He thinks I'm out of order if I expect him to wait for a reply to him saying he's going. I thought that's kind of a given, he reckons it means he'd be waiting for permission.

I seriously don't know if I'm being controlling and silly.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
iwantgin · 21/09/2014 18:26

You are not being U.

It's good manners to tell the other person where you are and roughly how long you are likely to be.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 21/09/2014 18:27

What would be do if you kept disappearing randomly without telling him where you're going?

GilesGirl · 21/09/2014 18:27

He is. Well, sort of.

I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me every time he went to our garage or anywhere in our garden/house area.

I would expect a quick shout, though, if he is leaving our property.

It takes 2 seconds to stick your head in the door and shout 'Heading for a bike ride!'

emsyj · 21/09/2014 18:27

YANBU, you can't do this when you have children. His actions suggest that he believes you are 100% responsible for the children and they are nothing to do with him. The assumption that you are watching them and he is still a free soul to come and go as he pleases would boil my piss.

WooWooOwl · 21/09/2014 18:28

YANBU.

Stealthpolarbear · 21/09/2014 18:29

It would be quite dangerous, presumably, if you both chose to act in this way?

Stealthpolarbear · 21/09/2014 18:30

Tbh next time he does it id go shopping with the dc, locking up on the way out. Spend the day out

hollie84 · 21/09/2014 18:31

He is massively unreasonable!

He basically thinks the DC are 100% your responsibility, so he has no need to check they're ok before swanning off. How totally disrespectful towards you.

Pointlessfan · 21/09/2014 18:32

No YANBU. What if you were both assuming each other was keeping an eye on the toddler and he'd nipped out? I also hope you have opportunities to nip out too!

NotALondoner · 21/09/2014 18:32

How does he know you are in and will watch the kids? What if you have nipped out and failed to tell him? He would get your point then, wouldn't he?

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2014 18:32

YANBU.

He is being very U. And rude.

DragonMamma · 21/09/2014 18:32

YANBU, stuff like this drives me mad. DH has a similar habit of saying he'll be home at a certain time then bowling up an hour later. I keep telling him it's common courtesy to tell somebody if you're going to be late but that falls on deaf ears...

rockybalboa · 21/09/2014 18:34

YANBU. He's being rude. Genuinely nipping out to the shed (ie within the confines of the property) is fine but going out for a bike ride without saying anything is plain rude.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2014 18:34

Sauce for the goose. If you both did this, your 2 yo would frequently be left with no supervision. So, what he is saying is that you are the default parent and should be expected to meet your DC's needs while he isn't.

BTW men who use phrases such as 'ball and chain', 'nag' and the like are generally arseholes IME. It's limiting, sexist language; designed to silence and control women.

ChippingInLatteLover · 21/09/2014 18:35

YANBU

It is massively disrespectful of him to assume YOU are 'in charge' of the children whilst he can just come and go with no thought to them or you.

Ask him if he would find it acceptable if you did the same -

If he says NO - ask him why not?

If he says YES - ask him what would happen if you both did this and the children were left alone.

Why are YOU responsible for the children but he is not?

It wouldn't be acceptable even if there weren't any children involved it's just plain RUDE.

emsyj · 21/09/2014 18:35

I thought someone would come along and suggest the OP tries the nipping out without saying anything thing herself - but sadly, I rather suspect that her DH wouldn't even notice or care. If he thinks it's ok to just get up and go out, he isn't thinking for a moment about the DCs or their safety. He will just tell the OP that she should have checked he was in first. Sad

Ballandchainer · 21/09/2014 18:35

He says he wouldn't mind if I did the same. I just don't see why I would, I do tell the DC even if I'm just going to take the bin out. It's the waiting for a reply that's thrown me... If he doesn't wait for my reply, how does he know I've heard? (I didn't this time...) I honestly think it's a basic part of communication, that you acknowledge the other person, but he does think it's unhinged of me to think he should tell me he's going and then "stand by the door like a guard dog and wait for permission to be unleashed".

OP posts:
Essexgirlupnorth · 21/09/2014 18:35

Your not be unreasonable to know that he has nipped out especially if it means the children are left unsupervised

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/09/2014 18:37

If he is going out (putting the bins out or going in the sjed dont count - i mean off the premises) then it is common courtesy to say so. He is being incredibly rude not to at least call to you and say he is popping out.

It would drive me up the fucking wall.

ShadowStar · 21/09/2014 18:37

YANBU.

I think it's basic courtesy to let your DP know if you're nipping out. Even if he's just going down to the shed, it'd be considerate to say something like "I'll be in the shed if you need me". It's not like saying that would take months chi effort on his part either.

As PP says, how would he feel if you suddenly started vanishing without warning or explanation for unknown lengths of time, leaving him alone with the DC? He'd almost certainly get annoyed about it.

It's not you being controlling. It's him lacking consideration for you and assuming that he has no responsibility for his DC.

Username12345 · 21/09/2014 18:38

YANBU. Common courtesy.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

riverboat1 · 21/09/2014 18:39

I can see why he thinks it's not a problem in general - some people are just like that. I've lived with a lot of friends/housemates, and now DP and some of them have let me know of all their plans, and others have thought it's not a big deal to suddenly disappear for an extended period of time without a word. Nothing to do with the closeness of the relationship, just different norms for different people. DP always tells me when he's going out, but it drives me mad that when we're at a party/wedding and standing together chatting he'll often just say 'I'm going to go and talk to X' and then bolt off without even giving me a chance to say 'I'll come too'!

But I do think it changes things if he is keeping an eye on a young child and then just disappears for an extended period of time. I would talk to him about this, and focus on THIS as the reason that you want to be given a heads up in this situation. It is more than reasonable to insist on this IMO.

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Stealthpolarbear · 21/09/2014 18:39

Seriously. Next time he goes out(I asumehe doesnt bother with keys)goout for the day

hollie84 · 21/09/2014 18:42

He says he wouldn't mind if you do the same? So you nip out to the shops, he nips out for a bike ride - who does he think is looking after his children?

MrsMook · 21/09/2014 18:42

He is being unreasonable. When you share a home, it's courtesy to let the people you live with know when you are in or out. It doesn't matter what the roles are. Care of children is an additional reason to share that information. I "pop out" for short runs, but always tell DH so he knows when he's in sole charge. There's also the safety aspect, so that if you hadn't returned after a sensible margin, you'd know at what point would be reasonable to be concerned.

Is it viable to make a point by "popping out" to give him a practical experience of the inconvenience?

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